Topic of the week/Do the actions match the words?

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#1 Feb 27 - 10PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Topic of the week/Do the actions match the words?

Last week we started a topic of the week for discussion. I think one of the biggest red flags of these PD's is that their actions do not match their words. My PD was telling me that I was the love of his life, the girl of his dreams, the one he will never leave, cheat on, and wants to marry, that he wants to help me, and give me his heart and soul, and grow together, blah blah blah!!! Yet his actions were to be cheap, petty, call me names, lie to me, steal from me, ect... You know the drill. The actions did not even come close to the words in my case. Often there is less of a gap, however, there is still a sense that something is not adding up.

I have adopted a new method of dealing with others over these past months. NOW I step back: Watch, listen, and continue to observe peoples action, words, and behaviors and see if they line up. I am amazed at how often they do not. This has been a life changing lesson for me. I used to take people more at face value and at their word. NOt anymore and I feel more empowered now. What are your thoughts and experiences with this? What are you doing to avoid these pitfalls moving forward? How can you spot the redflags?

Goldie

Mar 4 - 12AM
dupedx2
dupedx2's picture

The Narc Manual

I love how victomnomore said "do they all have some kind of book they read on how to mistreat us?". As I have educated myself about N behavior, I am totally amazed how my exN followed the N manuel to a "T". When I started reading about Ns over two months ago, it was like being run over by a truck the way every characteristic and behavior fit! Quite a shocker, and every sign was too plain to ignore. It hurt to accept it, but it sure is nice to have an understanding of it now. This is a wonderful site. Thank goodness for it. Knowledge is power. The actions don't fit the words. I don't know how many times I was "promised" I will write you soon, with weeks of silence that followed. I must have been tertiary supply! Great post!
Mar 3 - 11PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Thanks Goldie, you and the

Thanks Goldie, you and the forum literately saved my life, so count me in on that small group who made it through the selection process of yr new life. Im learning so much, much of it is painful, but im being reborn. Im so gald this pink forum survived after the changover. I couldnt adapt on the new place. So how do we chat and upload profile here? let chat soon, skype XXX
Mar 4 - 12AM (Reply to #47)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Lol, me too

Yes, we have each other, this is for sure!!! Goldie
Mar 3 - 10PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

Excellent Post Goldie, this

Excellent Post Goldie, this is a valuable lesson Im leaning with others, problem is with this new set of standards they are dropping like flies. I really now eliminate manipulators imeadiately, and i dont feel the need to go into conflict by telling them. They can work it out for themselves. There is a very real danger that I will be left with very few people of honor and truth. It sucks really, and it is so opposite to my accepting, loving friendly nature, but this is about survival. So Im learning the cruel , hard way. My old self attracted narcs and Selfish manipulators. So, As my new counselor of two weeks said to me, if he calls you a B' itch, then maybe you ought to start behaving like one. So I am, and I'm in stealth mode, Goldie I've been longing to talk to you about this. tell me when youre on to chat. xx A
Mar 3 - 11PM (Reply to #45)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

foolednolonger

Yes, this all goes back to boundaries. I remember an old therapist said to me that when you begin to get healthy it can be a lonely place in the beginning. The people who we have had in our lives when we were overly giving, people pleasers, and door matts, can become shocked and put out by our: new taking care of our needs, and not putting up with their crap behaviors, and saying no. They do drop like flies to find new supply who will allow them to play their games of control and manipulation. Oh well, lol!!! This will begin to balance out for us as we allow more caring, giving, people into our lives. We attract into our lives what we expect and if we expect crap this is what we attract, if we expect higher standards from people that is what we get. I was so exhausted after the narc that I did not have the energy to play the game anymore with these blatent takers and I was saying no, more often than not at that point and they showed their true colors by refusing to help me and I could finally see things for what they really were and not my rose colored version of what was going on. I realized that not only was I tired of the narc, I was tired of all the "narc type" people whom I had in my life sucking me dry. I was a giver and had accepted this role without question. When I had very little left to give, those people became evident to me and I simply let them go and for the most part, I did not miss their presense in my life. Life is too short to spend it caretaking to the emotional vampires of the world who make most everything, all about them. It is exhausting and the truth of the matter is that there are plenty of people out there who do not want anything from you except to be your friend and have good times together. When we let go of the need to save or caretake the freaks of the world we open up our lives and hearts to the possiblilty of a life filled with hope, truth, balance, and healthy give and take relationships. I'll send you a message about chatting. Much love to you foolednolonger, you are growing in leaps and bounds and I love your willingness to change your circumstances; I am in the same place now and it will only get better from here. xoxoxo Goldie
Mar 2 - 11AM
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

No

No, his actions often times didn't mesh with what he said. He is very inconsistent. For example, you can bet, if he told me he'd talk to me later that night, that I wouldn't hear from him at all. Maybe not even the next day! This happened so frequently, that I learned to stop waiting up. He'd SAY that he loved me, SAY that he thinks I'm amazing, and he'd SAY that he needed me. But he'd relentlessly flirt with other women. He stopped going out of his way. He'd go dead-air on me for weeks at a time. Not a word! The silence was deafening. It was confusing and agonizing, because these periods of lengthy silence would always follow after we had weeks and weeks of daily, constant contact. Then he'd just go cold. He wouldn't contact me at all on my birthday. Then he'd turn up, with a funny one-liner... and claim he never went anywhere! It was weird.
Mar 2 - 4PM (Reply to #36)
apple
apple's picture

Incognito!!!!!!!

WOW!! Talk about going down memory lane!! I experienced a lot of what you described as well. My N would wish everyone and their dog a happy birthday, or his ex a happy mothers day. BUT for me, Out of three years I got a happy birthday ONE freaking time. UGH!!!!!!!
Mar 4 - 12AM (Reply to #42)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes the Kings of cheapness

They seem to either lavish you with over the top gifts to control and manipulate or they are complete tightwads who seem to "forget" holidays and gift giving unless it is some token crap they found on the side of the road as my friends daughter would say. She cracks me up, she says: yeah that looks like some shit he found on the side of the road, lol!!! Someone on here once told a story about how her man, wrapped up all this crap he bought at the dollar store for her Christmas present, course mine did better than that, I got nothing for Christmas, that was fun. He wanted to buy me something he wanted for Valentine's Day, course I said NO, I don't want that and he got me a ring which was many many many steps down from the one I wanted. Oh well, next time a guy doesn't acknowledge my special day's I will most assuredly say: BYE BYE!! Goldie
Mar 4 - 8PM (Reply to #43)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

The ring.

Oh no, the ring! Sounds like a metaphor for the relationship, doesn't it? I remember, months before he proposed, my husband (NOT a Narc!) was asking me what I liked, what my style was. Little did I know, he was trying to discern what kind of ring he should pick out. I really put effort into it, which seems trivial now! I basically laid it out on the line, saying,"Look, *THIS* is exactly the kind of ring that I want. If you can't do that, don't even BOTHER asking, because I'll refuse!" (I didn't mean it! I'm not that shallow! Just wanted to see what kinda guy I was dealing with, how serious he was.) Needless to say, one day he called my bluff, and I got the ring of my dreams. Like I said, it seems so trivial now, like such a cocky thing to say. An over-the-top request. But, looking back, I set the bar very high... and he met me at every step of the way. I think that's the way it should be. I still have trouble feeling like I deserve him sometimes. He's a keeper.
Mar 3 - 8PM (Reply to #41)
dazed and seeki...
dazed and seeking peace and strength's picture

wow. i didn't know this was

wow. i didn't know this was yet ANOTHER sign of a narc. 3 birthdays with him - and he "forgot" all 3. if that isn't a red flag, i don't know what is... wow. i had no idea this was characteristic of them. i thought it was SO abnormal for him to be like this. it was like nothing i have ever seen. my family and my friends are all so very thoughtful, i couldn't believe how inconsiderate he was!
Mar 2 - 7PM (Reply to #37)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Cherryblossom

Wow, you brought up a bone of contention...Christmas, Birthday, Valentines day...yea...minimal he could do was done...sucks! BUT, I read and geesh, I've read so darn much I can't remember where sorry about that...but I read about primary and secondary supply... Primary supply oddly enough but normal to THEM isn't the significant other after a time...initially we are the primary because we're new ripe fruit but after the "routine" sets in *think Madonna/Whore* we become secondary...we become that safe back pocket plan that's always there in case trolling prospects for new supply don't result in scoring. Based on that theory...it stands to reason much to our chagrin that no...we don't get those greetings because we are no longer worth "consideration" or anything else for that matter...we're the toys on the shelf that are pulled down when supply is low. Stepping outside of the emotions and really understanding the dynamics in a way helps put this in perspective if we can accept-this wasn't personal...it is THEIR disorder...it has nothing to do with our value or worth...yes our feelings are deeply hurt because of the victimization that took place and it is very hard to fight the cognitive dissonance and all the other feelings associated with this "traumatic" experience but we have to keep brainwashing and reminding ourselves that their treatment of us is not the reality, that they ARE A DISORDER and we deserved better and once healed will find and achieve our HIGHER GOOD whatever that may be which we WILL discover once we take the journey into recovery and healing...
Mar 4 - 12AM (Reply to #40)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes

Once we are hooked, why bother? They need to keep their cash reserves for new supply. Screw that!!! We are primary always and those who do not see or know this can take a flying leap off a short pier. Goldie
Mar 3 - 9AM (Reply to #39)
Journey
Journey's picture

Michele, VERY well said.

"Stepping outside of the emotions and really understanding the dynamics in a way helps put this in perspective if we can accept-this wasn't personal...it is THEIR disorder..." That is a critical step we all must take in order to recover fully. For me too, special holidays were seldom given any significance. My exN was generous about giving gifts as far as spending money, but always what he knew I 'needed' (which in retrospect all benefited him as well by me having them). I didn't receive anything for Valentines' day either year with him. Maybe he bought dinner? I honestly can't remember, but I do remember in year one on Valentine's day, we were on a vacation somewhere beautiful and I was experiencing the first obvious devaluing from him on what would normally would (or should have) been a very romantic and happy trip. He said he 'forgot' what day it was so I received nothing but a blank look and a "duh, oh, I'm sorry, I didn't even realize what day it was..." And no, his actions and words often said two very different things.

Journey on...

Mar 3 - 4AM (Reply to #38)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

The "toys on the shelf"

The "toys on the shelf" comment . . . funny, I remember thinking more than once that it was like he'd been a kid with a new toy - me - who was so entranced with the toy that he didn't want to put it down (like most kids), and then the novelty wore off and the toy wasn't so much fun anymore. Guess I was right.
Mar 2 - 3PM (Reply to #29)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Oh, God, the silent periods

Oh, God, the silent periods after weeks of all-nighters EVERY night on the phone . . . "agonizing" is right. I'd spend the evening sitting at home obssessing over what had happened all of a sudden and why he'd disappeared, dreading bedtime because if I fell asleep and woke up and saw what time it was and the phone hadn't rung, it would hit me like a ton of bricks that he wasn't calling that night. It was horrible.
Mar 2 - 4PM (Reply to #30)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Yep

...and it sends you reeling. Thinking, and thinking, and thinking. Pacing, reaching for comfort food, wondering what's wrong with you! What did I do? What did I say? How can I make it better? The unanswered questions! Which only amounts to self-torture, because he's not around to answer for anything. It keeps your mind on him, in an endless loop. Maybe that's the intent? I don't know if it's that methodically thought out, or if they just get side-tracked and distracted. Who knows! By the time you're at the stage where you're starting to feel those feelings of utter rejection and abandonment... guess who returns? With a big old laugh, and a huge smile! His return soothes the pain of the slight, while simultaneously, rubbing the salt in. Of course, he never explains his absence satisfactorily, and inevitably does it again. How can someone not take this personally? It's crazy-making.
Mar 2 - 4PM (Reply to #34)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Mandy and IB

Boy, if you guys figure this one out, please let me know! Mine did this to me all the time and it hurt more than anything else - even more than the OW I think. We worked together in a small office and you wouldn't think someone could disappear in that situation, but he managed it. I never did figure out what triggered the silence, but it always seemed to follow a period of closeness, normalcy. The first couple of times, I just gave him his space. When he came back (as they do) would try to talk to him about it. Not angrily, I just wanted to understand if I had done something wrong. He would tell me he wasn't mad, hadn't been ignoring me. Really? 'Cause when he walked into the lunchroom, looked me in the eye, then turned around and walked out without a word, it kinda felt personal! Geez! Toward the end, he had managed to convince me that *I* was the one initiating the silent treatment. *I* was being "secretive." I half believed it, even though now I realize I was just reacting naturally to his bizarre behavior.
Mar 3 - 8AM (Reply to #35)
spinning
spinning's picture

Silent treatment

is a form of abuse. Google it. Most interesting. Mine was the KING of the SILENT TREATMENT. He knew it was especially loathsome for me because it was something I grew up with if my dad was "disappointed" for some reason or another...a reason you never really quite knew but stayed up all night wondering about...sound familiar ally and incog? In an old post (maybe Michele can find it or rewrite it herself) someone wrote about a study with a rat in a cage that learns to get treats by pressing a lever. Soon the controls are changed and the rat keeps pressing the lever but only gets a treat periodically. The rat will continue to bang its head against the wall over and over and over in hopes of a treat coming... I know I didn't say it right but this had a HUGE impact on me. I never again will bang my head against the wall for occasional crumbs. The real rat will never control me through withholding. It's among the cruellest things you can do to a person. Ignore them. Pretend they don't exist. UGH. It makes me so angry that I continued to accept this type of behavior... Oh well. NEVER AGAIN. I hope this helped a little, my friends, and I send you hugs. Please send the good vibes my way. I am a wreck. Sincerely (still trying hard to stop) spinning

spinning

Mar 2 - 4PM (Reply to #31)
MandyM
MandyM's picture

Exactly. He insinuates

Exactly. He insinuates himself so far into your life, and then he vanishes, and it's like a physical pain, his suddenly not being there, especially when you have no idea why or what happened. And when he comes back, you're so glad to have him there that you let it slide. At least I did, for awhile, no matter how angry and upset and confused I'd been night after night. It wore me out.
Mar 2 - 4PM (Reply to #32)
IncognitoBurrito
IncognitoBurrito's picture

Mandy & Ally

While it is strangely comforting, it also turns my stomach to hear others relate to these things. It should NOT be like this! What kind of world are we living in? It's 100% unacceptable. I can't believe it! I just want to punch a hole through the wall. I don't wish this on anyone. I'd prefer that it happen to no one else, ever! It hurts to hear that this is classic disordered behavior. I was still questioning whether he is or not. Regardless, at the very least, it's mistreatment. In my own head, I was trying to find ways of maybe explaining things away. I try to be understanding. Not a door mat, just understanding. But now I feel like I'm crashing. Once, I texted him, and he didn't respond for 2 days. When he got around to texting back, I said to myself,"Ha! Oh no, you don't! Now YOU can wait on ME!" I thought I was being so cute and funny. I got a text 5 minutes later, asking if I had "forgotten about him." Five minutes! I need a straight jacket. It can't be true. It can't be real. I feel so brainwashed.
Mar 3 - 10PM (Reply to #33)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Incognito

Tacky humor here but... Straight Jackets in this situation are good things... I call them "the jackets that make me hug myself"...LOL
Mar 1 - 2PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

And I'll say it again for intuition

I never saw the movie gaslight just heard about it...still had no clue I was being galighted? But towards the end I had two things I'd constantly SCREAM in my "Bi-POLAR" state...LOL... "There's no more effin milk the T!ts are dry!!!" AND... "GTFOH!...You're trying to gaslight me?" AND I had no idea...NONE!
Mar 1 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Yeah Michele115

Before I knew what gaslighting was I use to scream "You are so miserable and you want me to be miserable too!" I Also told him repeatedly that " I have nothing else to give, I am sucked dry!" I had no idea what narcissism was. I told our marriage counselor that my NH was too difficult, he was too much work and I didn't know it at the time but that is when the D&D started. I guess he figured the gig was almost up.

victimnomore

Mar 3 - 6AM (Reply to #26)
Trulybroken
Trulybroken's picture

I was just reading this post

I was just reading this post thinking "I don't recall posting this" Then realized I didn't! The words you said about miserable and nothing else to give and sucked dry were VERBATIM what I would say to the ex! God, I feel sick when I see this!
Mar 3 - 9AM (Reply to #27)
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Truly broken Isn't it

Isn't it crazy how they make us all say the same or similar things! It is like they have a book that teaches them how to treat us. I often felt like a deflated balloon!

victimnomore

Mar 1 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I couldn't find the damn words!

" I have nothing else to give, I am sucked dry!" And I remember talking to a friend of mine who is a social worker and I was like..."You know, I can't even think of a word to describe it...it's like drained...but it's more than that...I can't explain it..." And she said: Depleted and I was like: Yes! That's it exactly... And I notice how ALL of us feel Depleted...
Mar 1 - 12PM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Action Never

Action never matched the words. For instance, I just want my family back and to be a good husband, action: surfing the web for sex and phone filled with sex pictures of other women and text's and messages from other women. words: I am blessed to have a good family. Actions: staying out all night and not answering numerous phone calls from me. I could go on and on but I don't have all night. LOL

victimnomore

Mar 1 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Yes, so true

And if it wasn't so damn pathetic we would be laughing about it all the time. I do laugh about it now. I love ya baby, you're the only one. The love of my life. Blah, blah, blah!!! Goldie
Mar 1 - 1PM (Reply to #21)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Oh that reminds me...

I got the "We should go to church and counseling" AND yea, two days later...he's awol probably screwing his new supply while I'm out of town...
Mar 1 - 12PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

NO the actions do not match the words

And I was recently remembering how one of the issues was my expressing we needed more "quality" time. He'd yes me and it never materialized and whatever obstacle he could throw in to avoid it like the plague he did. He's also feign not understanding, and you know the other crazymaking behaviors: "I never said that...I forgot...I don't remember...I will change...blah, blah, blah... And I realized that because of his illness...I was essentially the secondary supply as the "whores" needed tending to...whores could be anyone...even a texting buddy...but my role was to just be in place for his needs whenever supply outside was low... NO the words never match the actions, but it's so funny how clear all of this is now... And of course...there was always "More" I could do to make it work... And Jesus...to look at him now...I've seen a pic of him with the new lady...MY God...she looks like Bette Midler in the Rose or Courtney Love...washed up...hard...street...I don't know how to describe it and it is just so clear how "anything" or better said..."anyone" will do...as no one has any value to them other than being an object of supply.