A ting of guilt...

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#1 Aug 31 - 11PM
iAmMINE
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A ting of guilt...

Well poop... just when I thought I was flying high and not giving a crap I get a message tonight (Tues) after work that 'N' has been in a car wreck today, while I was at work and celebrating in my mind how strong I have become, how free I feel.

"He's ok but pretty banged up, a woman pulled out in front of him and it looks like the truck is totaled". The message read.

The message continued, "He also wrecked his motorcycle Sunday it's pretty scratched up". (the bike is his pride and joy).

Sunday was the day after the TacoBell drivethru incident. And when I matter of factly informed him "it's over, it will never be again, I have moved on."

While I am assured within myself I will NOT contact him in any way, I also had tinges of guilt as well. I played in my mind all the "old recordings" of how I needed to "be there for him in this tough time"... that he didn't have a vehicle now and would need to get around.

Also, the place in me where the slightest of paranoia resides emanated some fear... "OMG, he's gonna have a new vehicle and I am not going to know what it looks like, what if he's following me and I don't know it, and he follows me home. I just cannot let him know where I live.
*crying*

I don't feel guilty for being strong, for feeling free, I don't feel guilty for leaving, I don't feel guilty for reiterating to him that it is over and I have moved on...

So... what do I feel guilty about?

With sincerity,

iAmMINE

Sep 1 - 9AM
hopefuljms
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It really is fascinating.

It really is fascinating. My ex N who for 3 years kept his "other life" completing hidden all of a sudden tells a co-worker about 2 car accidents 2 weeks prior to his wedding. Now mind you it was a wedding that no one knew about to a girl (and I do mean girl) that no one knew he was engaged to. The co-worker only knew about it because I found out on-line and told him. So why do you think he told him about the accidents? I am sure to try to get himself out of the hole he dug lying to everyone. I also think he told him knowing it would get back to me to garner some sympathy. He has a big habit of doing that whenever he feels like he is losing the upper hand. Someone is always sick, dying, he is ill, lost his job, experienced abuse as a child.... I could go on for days! Little does he know that I laughed when I heard it!
Sep 1 - 7AM
Used
Used's picture

iammine

when i got rid of n, i done it to everyone they know as well,i dont want to hear whats going on in there lives, if i was still interested in them i would be with them. do you think his sister needed to tell you this, why would you care, exh sister stopped me one day to say he was ill, and i said to her, i dont care about him, why would you think i am interested, she said but you were together so long, you had some good times, i said not that many that i have any interest in him at all. i said dont do it again, our kids didnt bother telling me so why have you. she is his sister,iAmMine, and she always will be, blood is thicker than water. did he ever help you or was he ever there for you, i very much doubt it, when someone said to me i should feel sorry for ow, i said do you think she feels sorry for me. your guilt is b/c you are a caring human beign not because you are guilty, i actually believe he saked her to tell you, i realy do.
Sep 1 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

"used", what a wonderful reminder

and so timely too... goes real well with my new "rested" mindset this morning. My mind is always clearer after a nights rest ;) I woke this morning with the thought, "if he'll lie to his sister about 2 stolen checks, he'll lie about this too." (of course, she's supposed to be going to help him get his tools out of his truck this morning and get a rental car). I am keeping in mind that she told me about it BEFORE she's seen a thing ;) - I understand "blood being thicker..." and one of the things that has kept them from being close is his lying... he's not close to his family at all (ya I know a red flag I saw in the beginning and disregarded :( At any rate, I rested and feel no guilt this morning, nor do I have any desire whatsoever to run to his aid. Thanks again! ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them.”

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Sep 1 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
Used
Used's picture

iAmMINE

it was a pleasure. but what do you call not close, shehelping him get his tools and a rental truck, they are close, he lied about the cheques, she still has something to do with him, if one of my brothers done this to me, i wouldnt be helping him with his tools[him beign the biggest tool] and i wouldnt be helping him rent a car, all my exhf, slagged him of all the time, but when push came to shove, they went back and enabled him yet again, .
Sep 1 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

USED, you're right...

Touche'... touche'... my friend.

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Sep 1 - 9AM (Reply to #12)
Used
Used's picture

iAmMINE

you are welcomexx
Sep 1 - 12AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Who sent you this

Who sent you this information and has this been validated by police and hospital records? Crazy as it sounds I have heard it all and I would be Leary on this one. Tell who ever this is that you do not need play by plays on the narcs life. This is not healthy for your recovery and can set you into a major downward spiral down luv..... even later down the road. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Sep 1 - 12AM (Reply to #7)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

betty2020 validation

The information came from his sister, the same sister who was a very good friend to me in the whole 6 years, whether 'N' and I were together or not. Often sneaking around and having lunch together. The same sister who told me "if you ever go back to him I will kick your A$$..." I believe her. This is the first information she's given me pertaining to him. She's even been lying to him that she hasn't been in touch with me. OH wait, she did contact me the day after I left to tell me he'd contacted her claiming I had stolen two checks out of his checkbook (the same checkbook he locks in a safe and I never had access to ;) - I told her he's just desperate to get to me... so she doesn't share news about him, til the wreck ;( I'll have to tell her that I no longer want news about him, she'll understand and respect this request.

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Aug 31 - 11PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

Did he feel a ting of guilt

Did he feel a ting of guilt when he treated you like crap? dont do it. Dont do it. You"ll get sucked in even when you think you wont. That being said, I realize it so much easier said than done. I have broken no contact so many times. So Im not judging in anyway. It just easier when you are outsider looking in to see it for what it is.
Aug 31 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

NC

Ohhh... I assure you, with all of my heart and soul I will NOT contact him. Just couldn't figure out why I felt any guilt at all, is all. Thanks for the reminder, no, he NEVER felt any guilt whatsoever for anything at all. And after 6 yrs of on again, off again... I know what just one lil message can do... you're right it sucks us right back to where we were... I ain't goin' there again ;) I can now see to the importance of the advice for NC with ANYONE associated with him. Meaning I will not contact the person who shared the news with me. But that's ok. I am free now and I really really really wanna stay that way now :) ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Sep 1 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

One little thing

You're right, even one piece of news or contact can set you back, even if you don't contact him yourself. Ns invade the psyche just as much or more than our space it seems. It's taken me a long while to close all the loopholes myself, despite the fact that I'm clearly much happier when I'm completely oblivious to his doings. Here's to no guilt about whatever it is that's happening with them!
Sep 1 - 11AM (Reply to #5)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

wholeagain ~~ CHEERS

"Here here wholeagain" ~~ *raising my coffee cup in a cheer* I'll get the loopholes closed, when one opens I close it. Example, FB, MySpace... etc etc Thanks for the encouragement :) ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them."

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Aug 31 - 11PM
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

Tinge... tinge of

Tinge... tinge of guilt ~~~~~ “The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don’t give them,” --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf :)

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.