FOR THOSE WHO HAD REALLY PERVERTED NARCS (HELP ME)

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#1 Dec 12 - 8AM

neverlookback

FOR THOSE WHO HAD REALLY PERVERTED NARCS (HELP ME)

I want to first say we have to remember to not get GRAPHIC, as much as I want to share what he said I have to be careful, just know he was a real sicko and I need help understanding something in the aftermath from those who suffered from their perverted wrath.

I was the OW, of course in the beginning he was MR GENTLEMEN and MR PERFECT, and he and his GF were off and on and it wasnt a serious relationship, ha ha ha after awhile I realized why is this man still with her , this is wrong I WANT OUT, but he wouldnt let me leave and months escalated into years and you ALL know how that goes. She had her own place and he had his and all the while he was promising me a future they were building a new home together and making the big step to live together.

I would be described as a refined woman, almost shy in some ways sexually, of course when I was single I wasnt a nun I was just a normal woman, but I was always true to whoever I was with, I wanted what most people want a trusting, giving, sharing relationship with someone that loved me and above all true to me.

Towards the end of our contact before I really went totally NC he did his best to degrade me. I would tell him we got 6 inches of snow and he would say, I have 6 inches for ya, I would say, I am growing my hair out and its really getting long and he would say what about the hair under your arms and below (but that is not how he said it. EVERY SINGLE thing I said to try and have a normal conversation he would turn into perversion, EVERYTHING, I even would say how have you been, in which he would say I would be better if my you know what were ..... bla bla you know the rest... then he would start on his sick fantasies what he wanted to do to me, rape, choke, force,.. the last time he said that I stopped him and said, why do you do that, isnt there one redeeming quality in me you see besides my body parts, and his response: "Did you forget to take your anti psychotic meds today?" Thats a good one isnt it, him asking me about anti psychotic meds, I should have said ya I quit taking them I sent them in the mail to you.

I am haunted in the aftermath, how and why he saw me in this way, he talked to me like I was a hooker that worked the streets when I am the COMPLETE opposite of how he treated me, but OMG how he tried to take a good moral woman down. There is nothing good or moral when you get involved with a sexual predator (but of course we find out too late) I tried with all my abilities to show him love and the good qualities I had but none of it mattered to him he only saw me for what he wanted me to be to him. I am every bit as much as his GF is, wonder why she was the madonna and I became his sick perverted OW relationship? AND NO I never gave in to ANYTHING he wanted us to do and I know that is why he D&D'd me.

A good friend of mine said to me not too long ago, how would you react if you got a call from a heavy breather you didnt know on the phone and he started saying all these sick things he wanted to do to you and then hung up. I told her I would probably Laugh and say ewww what a sicko, gross. Then she said well he is no different only that you loved him once not knowing what he was and thats why it deeply hurts you. Now imagine his poor GF as she is fixing him dinner and giving her life to this man as he is calling up other women and saying these things when he is out running errands or whatever.

Its just really really difficult to know you were only seen this way even when you realize IT WAS THEM and the disorder, and I guess thats why they call it being a victim.

#2 Dec 15 - 11AM

momoya

Madonna/ Whore complex

Continue to read up on Narc's and especially the Madonna/Whore complex. I know it is hard, but you will get to a place where you won't be in so much pain, but that is all diffent for each of us. Continue to read up on the traits of Narc's and you will begin to understand more. However, don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out -- THEY ARE NOT NORMAL. best to you!!

momoya

#3 Dec 14 - 11PM

Susan32

"No man is as lonely as his secrets"

That's what Leo Tolstoy, himself a Narc, said. I was listening to the radio today and they were talking about a new documentary by Steven Soderbergh about monologuist/actor Spalding Gray, who drowned himself a couple of years ago. They interviewed Gray's widow, Kathie Russo. She had an affair with Gray when he was still married, and he did eventually marry her. When she was pregnant with his child, at first he got angry, told her to get an abortion, and threatened to leave. Russo kept the child, and they eventually enjoyed what seemed to be domestic happiness. Gray was raised by a Narc mother who didn't care when he burnt himself, and he was raised in Christian Science, which denies basic human needs and feelings. Christian Scientists are taught to deny feelings of anguish, pain, even minor burns. In tonight's radio interview, Gray's widow said she just found out, postmortem, that her late husband was bisexual, and that he starred in pr0n movies. It came as a shock to her. She sounded very devastated by the revelations.

#4 Dec 12 - 5PM

onwithmylife

neverlookback

It is weird we had a great sex life for so many years, like soulmates, but at times I felt like I was a masturbation object to him, once after we did make love and he went into the other room, I said to myself, I feel like an object to him, way before I knew he had a PD. Show you how you have to listen to your gut instinct, it is right on every time.

#5 Dec 12 - 3PM

Scoop

This is where their grubby

This is where their grubby little brain are , they consistantly miss the point of sex and take us with them into their peverted world , it kills the soul and strips you of all known believes about youre self .... for a while ..why do we take it from them ? why do we put up with the shit when our red flags are waving all over the place , because at the start they presented themselves as someone compleatly diffrent , a trick , a manipulation and when they have got us where they want us the freaks of nature abuse us but throw us cookies every now and again to keep us sweet .. No way let this thing of a narc define who you are .. it was just a period in time that you got fooled and the reason you got fooled was because you are a loving, trusting GEM of a person and he was and has always been a piece of shit ... AMEN xx

#6 Dec 12 - 2PM

Briseis

You've been sexually

You've been sexually traumatized, honey :( This is called sexual abuse. My Narc did this kind of stuff, but he stopped at the violent fantasies. Everything I said would get turned into some nine year old potty mouth BS. When I first met him, he was a devout CHRISTIAN and the first time we had sex I was shocked and horrified. I expected lovemaking, I truly did. What hurts is that we are treated like OBJECTS. Instinctually, we have a sense of ourselves as unique and special (healthy narcissism). All normal humans have this. This instinctive awareness of yourself was directly attacked, and you were turned into a masturbation toy. Just because he SAW you that way does not mean that you WERE or ARE anything less than your precious self. This is an important aspect of recovery from PD relationships. We stop letting THEM define us. We get rid of the poison of what they mirrored back at us. It was never OURS, it only belonged to them. I still have trauma related feelings toward sex, and what I went through was a lot less disturbing, I think :( . Do you have a therapist? You deserve to have your sexual self, which is a good thing, freed from the poison of this disgusting person. Perhaps a trauma therapist could help you?

#7 Dec 13 - 8AM (Reply to #32)

neverlookback

Thank you one and All You are all such fantastic smart women

You really helped me get thru some moments of anguish. Yes I am going to see a counselor for some sessions about sexual trauma and what steps I can take to feel sexually healthy about myself again. I have known for awhile I have damage from the sexual abuse but just maybe scared to face it and see the extent:-( Your right I DO deserve to have a sexual self and I didnt deserve the sexual perversion that made me feel bad about myself in that respect. Its almost like a process of reversing the brainwashing he did to me sexually, going through each step and rewinding it all and starting over the way it should be viewed as. If I could say ONE THING about NC it would be this. Please please please whatever pain you are going through going NC DONT CONTACT or respond to them because you are only damaging yourself further and that pain does not come close to the pain of the damage in the aftermath and you dont see that until you are truly left with the issues and damage that was done to you. Every contact is toxic and soooo very damaging to our mental wellbeing. With every contact you are letting a mentally disturbed person into your life in my case it was no different than having contact with a rapist, the only difference is he was never caught and prosecuted for his crimes. You have to ask yourself if you did not know your narc and heard about what he did to someone else, would YOU want him talking to you? Trust me you do NOT really know yours either, you only think you do, he has so many hidden sick secrets from you also. Dont stick around to try and figure them all out, or care who he is with or what he is doing because its the same sick crap he did with you I GUARANTEE IT!!! He will just move on to others and do the same highly disturbed behavior. NC is something you do for yourself, it has nothing to do with him, you already know what he is, let this disturbed person go so you can go on to your recovery and a better life.

#8 Dec 12 - 6PM (Reply to #31)

Amazed

Awesome Revelation

We are still sweet, caring, precious, the N doesn't define us. We have learned however to add that "protective layer" against unsuspecting others who want to take advantage of us.

#9 Dec 12 - 11AM

Amazed

They sexualize everything, it is evil

Their twisted mind sexualizes and pervertes everything. Everything you say is somehow twisted around against you. They play the worst mind games, and they laugh all the way to the next woman or guy who they think they can take. The swindle people all the way up and down in families, organizations, you name it. There is no conversation with them. There is no person inside who you can talk to, they are totaly phony, and only out for themselves. They perverte everything, in the manner and tone in which they speak, how they set themselves up, it is horrible. At first I thought what I was feeling was love, and was prepared to marry this person. Was that the wrong idea, totally! I learned a tough lesson. They lie, pervert, they are sick, stay away from them.

#10 Dec 12 - 2PM (Reply to #29)

neverlookback

They lie, pervert, they are sick, stay away from them.

That is the best advise, they destroy and pervert everything they come in contact with, EVERYTHING. I swear I could give that man a white rose and it would turn black when he touched it because of the evil within him. They can turn beauty into dust and goodness into shame

#11 Dec 12 - 11AM

blueeyes

Whoa

Oh sweetie, that's a horrible feeling. By your story he was not much different than this one man I used to see years ago. He went NC on me and I just today realized by your story that I went thru the same thing! A long time ago! Wow, these guys are sick. The N that drove me to join here was my husband that I loved. He and I had a ok sex life. He was normal with me. I really hate these men. Its a horrible feeling you have. I remember. They want a good girl and a bad girl. Maybe that's why they cheat all the time? I'm so sorry :(

#12 Dec 12 - 11AM

Jean

being turned into something you aren't

Funny how we all share so many experiences. . .in my case, I got seduced by the N at work (it took a few months) and then, feeling very sexually interested I said something directly to him along the lines of "are you gay or do you want to do something about this" and he went to his supervisor (saying nothing to me) to say I was "making him feel uncomfortable" (he had started the seduction & done inappropriate things to me/with me FOR MONTHS). A few days after going to his supervisor, he said to me (we were outside of work, on the bowling team), "I should just go get a prostitute." A few days later he went to his supervisor again and I ended up in a meeting with both of them in which he said, "I feel uncomfortable with some of the things you've been saying." Apparently, after he told me he should find a prostitute he became more "uncomfortable with some of the things" I'd been saying. ??? It's been a month, my head is still spinning. He's a psychologist. And, obviously, a completely gutless little worm. I am married, so he can hold over me the fact that I willing to cheat on my husband. And I think in his mind that's when I went from Madonna to Whore.

#13 Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #26)

Amazed

Projection

That is how they drive others, normal caring people crazy. When you are most unsuspecting, at work. Total swindlers, especially it seems at their place of "employment".

#14 Dec 12 - 2PM (Reply to #23)

neverlookback

BINGO

I am married, so he can hold over me the fact that I willing to cheat on my husband. And I think in his mind that's when I went from Madonna to Whore. oh oh, that was the turning point for me as well I am sure, even though I told him in the beginning NO NO NO, I have never cheated and its not right even if I am unhappy and abused in my marriage that is not the answer, I TOLD HIM THAT oh but of course he came back with look you have a right to be happy too and bla bla bla, he never cared about my happiness it only wanted to abuse me further and HE DID, and maybe that is my just punishment for doing what I did but he took it further and almost totally destroyed me with his projection and pathology. Turned into a sick freak right before me. They SET YOU UP to use everything against you right from the start, and afterall isnt that the trademark of a predator, to hide, conceal and then go for the kill when the victims least expect.

#15 Dec 12 - 3PM (Reply to #24)

Jean

yeah, it's so twisted

It's like since they view us as puppets and objects, getting us to actually do something - especially something a little out-of-bounds - confirms their own belief that they are godlike, or at least very powerful. My N is a petty little creature, fortunately I guess. He's into small-scale torture. He told me once he was driving around in the parking lot at CostCo and someone cut him off and took his parking space. He saw the woman in the store and walked up to her and said, "You just took my parking space. Did you know that 75% of people in Arizona drive around with guns in their glove compartments." He then said, with a very satisfied smile on his face, "oh and she got really scared and ran off." He was really deeply satisfied when he told this story. I do not know why I, too, did not run in the other direction.

#16 Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

Turning the game against them....

During the final D&D, the ex-Psych professor felt so godlike. He had gotten a student to cross the line a little, declare her love to him, so he could publicly humiliate her and rebuke her, reduce her to tears in front of her friends&his colleagues. It made him feel SO POWERFUL. But then I met the OW, his girlfriend from LA. Of course I was upset. But I was no longer crying all over campus. I had a serenity, like I had gotten closure. I was able to graduate... besides, I had gotten good grades over the past 3 years. So I graduated in good standing. I made sure I looked self-confident, assured, clean. He was the one who had packed on the pounds and who was getting drunk in front of students. I was the sober and slender one. To make matters worse, I was still quite sane. I had come close to losing my mind... but I hadn't. The ex-P was proud of his ability to scare students, his colleagues, he said that even his fellow professors' children were scared of him. Since he doesn't contact me, I assume he's the one who's scared now. I'm a journalist;I write about religion (things he discouraged) He was AFRAID that if I was a journalist, I'd expose him. He discouraged me from going to Massachusetts (he grew up there).... uh, too bad, my sister moved there 4 years ago, and YES I do visit her. I know he's afraid of ridicule. So many tender little spots... Tasting one's own medicine with a spoonful of sugary humor goes down in the MOST delightful way.

#17 Dec 12 - 9AM

MsVulcan500

Neverlookback,

This is very common for a narc to degrade you in this way. It is the madonna/whore complex, plus he wanted to you lose your respect for yourself. He wanted to see just how many of your values you would give up for him. He has his madonna at home, the GF, and she is the one to be there to take care of him. He can't have sex with her in the sick perverted ways he wants, because he does have some sort of attachment to her. So he needs to go out and find a "whore" to take care of his sexual needs. Sure, he can find some skank who will do whatever he wants, that's easy. But to find someone who has morals and values, that he can transform into that skank for him, well, that is the holy grail. Because then not only is he getting his weird sexual needs taken care of, but he's also taking you down in the process. To a narc, one more person who is beneath him is one less person who is above him.

#18 Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #21)

Amazed

Great point of "how many of your values you could give up"

They get you to sacrafice, for "love" for their "horrible situation, for the "traumatic divorce" for their 'wanting to begin again" and we thought they were this genuine person,,,who confided all sorts of information to us, yet they were swindling us all the while...the bad part, is that they KNOW what the are doing.

#19 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #19)

neverlookback

Thank you also

Sure, he can find some skank who will do whatever he wants, that's easy. But to find someone who has morals and values, that he can transform into that skank for him, well, that is the holy grail. Because then not only is he getting his weird sexual needs taken care of, but he's also taking you down in the process. My counselor said the same thing, there is no challenge doing this with a woman who is into this type of thing, thats no fun, he wants to take you down and destroy you in the process, that is the evil side of them that will always exist. I would not want to be the Madonna either she is used as well, he needs her but does not love her as we know love, he needs her to lick his wounds after a hard day in the world being a sexual predator and those warm meals are nice too I am sure. He NEVER got to degrade me in the manner he wanted, enough was enough I got out, guess he will have to go pay for it or try to find another one with values and morals he can destroy.

#20 Dec 12 - 5PM (Reply to #20)

onwithmylife

neverlookback

He can always do cybersex, that is what mine has resorted to, great!!!!!

#21 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #15)

jen79

thats it

But to find someone who has morals and values, that he can transform into that skank for him, well, that is the holy grail. Thats exactly it, I couldnt put it into that words, you did it for me. Thats it.

#22 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #16)

jen79

cause

its not about the pervert sex itself, its about the degrading and winning control, what makes them sexual aroused.

#23 Dec 13 - 10AM (Reply to #18)

Susan32

It's about degradation and control...

The ex-Psych professor was the cerebral kind; he wasn't that into sex. He simply wanted degradation and control. It isn't about the sex; sex is just one of their weapons. It sickens me reading the reviews for "The Last Station" movie about Leo and Sofia Tolstoy at Amazon. People describe the Tolstoys as a loving couple. Sofia was the loving one; Leo USED and ABUSED her. From the first day of her marriage, Sofia felt like a toy; later on, she described herself as a machine and a piece of furniture. It was THAT dehumanizing. The ex-P idolized the Tolstoys' marriage, despite the fact Leo humiliated his wife publicly, mocked her interest in music.... and he did rape her on the wedding night. She spent the honeymoon weeping. I guess the ex-P thinks my version of the story is that I dumped him because he had gotten fat&alcoholic, that I was the one who abandoned him because I left town without telling anyone... and there's truth to that. He had such a huge ego, but lacked basic self-respect.

#24 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #17)

MsVulcan500

Jen,

Exactly!!

#25 Dec 12 - 8AM

jen79

neverlookback

Are you my twin, your story is mine, in every detail. Why do they do that, cause they have a madonna whore complex. They label you as either one of them, and there is nothing you can do, to change their mind. Its also a part of D and D also. He tries to degrade, devalue you that way. He knows you dont like it, its the joy of getting control over a woman, and it also a try to make you the dirty whore, who is so worhtless, so HE doesnt have to feel guilty for using you, for cheating the OW, and for discarding you eventually one day. Its a process to devalue you, to withhold any sort of human affection, he degrades you to a nothing, a non person, an object. Its NOT you. Its them. Funny thing is, I once got a call from a sexual predator and I thought it was my bf, and I said, no not now I am in my gf's place, call later again, he said go to the bath, I said no!!! Later I called my bf, to find out it was nOT him, then I thought wow, I just got sexual assaulted on phone, and didnt realize it, cause I thought its my bf....how sick is that!!!! LOOOL. Sweety I know you are in shock, but you know its a common tactic, thats a way to keep you hooked, to withhold any human affection he tries to get you fighting for it. I did it. 1 and a half year mind fuck just cause I seeked validation from him to see me as a human being. Dont do that. He is sick, and you dont need validation from ANYONE.

#26 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #12)

neverlookback

jen79

I read your story, yours turned into a pervert too I see. I think I am past the shock part but still working on recovering from such a nightmare. I will always know that I was RAPED in every way you can imagine

#27 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

jen79

I felt

like a rape victim too, afterwards. And it is rape. It will take a while to get over that, but I am thousand times better than last year. Sex was a horror topic for me, I started crying all the time about that, I was in deep shock about it. Now its better.

#28 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #3)

neverlookback

OMG

That is too funny, you getting a call from some strange pervert on the phone thinking it was your BF, I bet that stranger thought he hit the jack pot with you rather than the others that just hang up or tell them where to go. But really its sad too isnt it that your xnarc could be confused with some stranger pervert, see just goes to show you they are one in the same arent they, we never ever really knew them, just like that stranger. Your right I have to keep reminding myself that, why do I need validation from a sick F!!!!! Its a horrible horrible thing as you know to be discarded in such a way that part is going to take me awhile to recover from. Maybe if its ok with you we can exchange e-mails to elaborate further how do you we about doing that? Betty has my email, let me know.. x0x0 hugs

#29 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #4)

jen79

OK neverlookback

I'll send betty a note to give you my email. The predator thought indeed he hit the jackpot, later he called again, this time with a normal voice, and I said hey I know you are not my bf, who are you, then my cell went down, no energy, he never called again though. LOOL. But it was really funny. Maybe thats a lesson for life, asking for validation like your whole worthiness depends on them, is giving all your power away to them, like they are a god. But they are not. Its their problem to see human in categories of supplies. Not yours.

#30 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #5)

neverlookback

GREAT

Thanks, Betty has permission to send you mine as well. How true, POWER and CONTROL that is their Viagra and if you dare go against it they will punish you for it, you are to do what they say - and when you stop doing what they want the discard will follow

#31 Dec 12 - 9AM (Reply to #6)

jen79

Neverlookback

They also discard you WHEN you do DO what they want, it doesnt matter. Since its about the supply and the degrading, when you do what they say, your are then degraded totally, no challenge anymore, and they dont even want pervert sex from you anymore. SO your doomed if you, and doomed if you dont.

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