Still hurting

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#1 Dec 12 - 9PM
smnp
smnp's picture

Still hurting

Im on Day 42 of NC. I went through a week or so right around Day 30 when I thought "ok, I can do this". I was taking care of myself and really started to believe I was worth more han what he gave me and how he treated me.

I am down in the dumps lately. Crying more for him. Missing him. Thinking about him before sleep. Kissing him goodnight in my head, sobbing into the pillow, and BEGGING God to send him back to me. I want G to call- tell me it was all a mistake. Tell me he's not marrying that South American woman. That he's changed and he wants me. I BEG the universe to make it different.

I am so so sad. Crying at work again. I've had to close my office door, sniffle quietly, then get myself together. I have had to tell patients and my staff that I have a cold and that's why my eyes are red rimmed and my nose like Rudolf the Reindeer.

Friends, I am so sad. I just want to STOP thinking about him. I want to stop dreaming about him holding me, making me smile, telling me all the dreams we had together. I want the ache to go away. I WANT TO HATE HIM. I just... Don't. I seriously sometimes want him to Hoover, just so I'll know he's thinking about me.

Help. I am so sorry that I'm always so whiny. I feel selfish coming here when I'm at my lowest and not really writing much else. I'm just not in a place that I can offer to support anyone else. T
Selfish. I just don't have it in me- I have no words of wisdom, yet I hope for yours... I'm so sorry.

I need you all again. I am so sad. I want my boyfriend back. I am very grinchy. Bah humbug and all that. I want my G back and I want a Happy Christmas together. And I won't get it and it hurts so very badly.

I called my doctor and am going in to talk about antidepressants. Embarrassing as hell- health care folk make TERRIBLE patients. I just hope maybe it will help me not feel so bad. I honestly had a split second in the car tonight that I wondered what would happen if I veered into traffic. I would never do it, of course, for all I the reasons I've said before. But I just want to stop aching all the time.

All. The. Time.

It is visceral, this pain. It is a pain that makes me want to claw off my skin. When I think about him with all those OW. When I think about him engaged to that woman. It is an unimaginable pain.

Please, someone hold my hand here. Tell me how it will get better. Convince me.

Thanks.

S.

Dec 13 - 9PM
Winter
Winter's picture

Smnp, sweetie

You have my hand and my heart feeling for you. I am so sorry, I know how awful it is. We all know. But look, honey, a lot of us who went through it are now feeling relieved. You will be there too. 42 days? You want the pain to stop? You want him to leave your had? Honey, impossible. As much as we want - impossible. What do you have to do to make it stop? Nothing. Beside NC really nothing. I can relate, I was there... But nothing helped. Just time, time and NC. The human spirit has the natural ability to recover. You don't need to do anything. Just relax in your pain, accept it to be with you for a while, don't be anxious to feel it. You will not feel it forever. Trust me. Especially a strong woman you are. On the other hand, I think ad are a good thing to help you to go through the most difficult moments and not to fall into a real depression. You don't want him back, you just want the pain to stop. It is understandable. I know it. And my Gosh, you are so lucky (I am sorry I know you don't see it now) that he left you alone! Resist to his hoover would be so challenging and devastating for you. I am so glad, it will accelerate your healing. Love Winter
Dec 13 - 4PM
elisabethke
elisabethke's picture

Feel Your Pain

As I write this I am crying because I to am feeling pain. It has been over 90 days and I feel like I am losing ground. I pray that all this will pass sooner then later.
Dec 13 - 11AM
Jelickuk
Jelickuk's picture

It's such a long hard process

It's such a long hard process isn't it. It will pass, honestly it will but not just yet. For me all I can do when the craving and yearning is so bad and the pain so desperate and soulful is just sit in the middle of it all and grieve and mourn. It's no good kicking and fighting, it only prolongs the agony. You aren't alone x x
Dec 13 - 10AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Consider your hand

Consider your hand held............we are all here for you. NEVER apologize for reaching out and NEVER feel ashamed. Do you realize, completely, with no misunderstandings what so ever, what has happened to you? That is the first and formost important thing for you to do in order to heal. I want to also impress upon you, that your journey, is full of highs and lows. And it gets harder before it gets easier. I have written many times, as others have as well, the one-step forward, two-step back scenerio. It is horrible, I know, just when you start to feel things are getting better, Bang! Right back to square one. I associate this with the game "Chutes and Ladders" because this is what I had discovered in my own journey. Getting all the way to the top and sliding all the way back to the beginning. It is horrible, but it is what it is and is all part of the process unforunately. I posted an article for you and other new memebers after reading your post and I hope it helps you and others. It explains WHY this horrible rape of our souls has taken place, why we are the choosen ones, or targets as many like to call it. My post is titled "this was very useful for me in the beginning". I am sure you will find it helpful, it helped me immensley. Returning to the beginning is most important when starting your journey and slipping. Hang in there, it will get easier, I promise! Big hug to you today and every day that you need one. :) Stay strong, the journey is worth it. :)
Dec 13 - 8PM (Reply to #7)
smnp
smnp's picture

"Do you realize, completely,

"Do you realize, completely, with no misunderstandings what so ever, what has happened to you?" I don't understand it. I don't understand how being kind and supportive and GOOD got me in this much trouble. Because if I am co-dependent, then it's all my fault for not stopping his behavior, for allowing him to treat me as he did. I don't know what to do to feel better. I'm in therapy. I am NC. I try to surround myself with people that love me. I wait. I just wait for the nightmare to be over. It won't stop. It won't go away. He won't leave my mind, even though it was so easy for him to leave me physically. I just want to skip to the part where it doesn't hurt so much.
Dec 13 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

UGH... One day you will be

UGH... One day you will be here to help others.. Right now we are here to help you.. Get on the antidepressants.. You will notice a huge difference.. It takes about a month before they really kick in. Therapy right now is very important.. May I suggest you set up a consult with Goldie.. She is amazing... We all know how you feel.. I worry that as soon as this Assclown calls you will go back.. Please..Please be strong .. This will pass.. You said I yourself.. No one has ever died from a broken heart.. It's a process.. I've walked in those shoes .. You write so well.. Too well.. It take me back to a year ago.. Look at me now... I'm a better version of the old Hunter..:) it's all about me.. Do get in the way!! So there.. Hunter
Dec 13 - 1PM (Reply to #4)
smnp
smnp's picture

I worry the same thing. If he

I worry the same thing. If he came back, I don't k ow if I'm strong enough to tell him to go "eff" himself. I do NOT think he will be back. He's ENGAGED to that woman. Totally exposed in all his lies. How could he possibly explain that away??? He's gone. Just trying to breathe. Doctor appt tomorrow-- I'm so embarassed but I just can't live like this anymore. Especially with the holidays coming up. NOW I understand the people that "hate" Christmas because it makes them sad. My sweet faced 3 year old's Christmas pageant is on Thursday morning, so I have that to look forward to this week. (She told my mom, while they were putting up the nativity scene that Jesus' mommy is named Little Bo Peep. Ha!) Thanks for being here. S.
Dec 13 - 2PM (Reply to #5)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Don't be embaressed.. That's

Don't be embaressed.. That's why they are there, to help.. It's no different than what you do.. You need help.. It's available so take it.. Would you go to the dentist ,have a tooth drilled with out novacine?? This is no different.. You have begun a Journey.. A new Chapter..you must start at the begining to get to the end.. I promise.. You will get thru this new and improved... Enjoy your baby.. Hunter
Dec 13 - 10AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

I understand. Even now,

I understand. Even now, almost a year out, I find myself missing my ex sometimes, even as I value and cherish the peace and predictability of my days with him gone and know that he's toxic. It's not easy to let go of the wonderful impression of the man he could be when he wanted to be. The only thing I can say, as trite as I know it sounds (but please believe me when I say it's true), is that it does get better with time. Time away from him, time with no contact with him whatsoever, time to let the dust settle, and settle it does. It's amazing, the things I'm remembering now with crystal-clear clarity, the dots I'm connecting that make a picture that SHOWS what I've intellectually known him to be all along - I'm finally starting to see it for real. Once you're out of it for a good chunk of time and not caught up in the web he weaves and the things he does to your head, it all untangles yourself and you can see things for what they really are. Don't give up. As Winston Churchill said, if you're going through hell, keep going.
Dec 12 - 11PM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

smnp...we are here for you.

smnp...we are here for you. Instead of praying to God to return the N to you (and now that you know all that you know about Narcs, why do you want him back?), might I suggest that you pray that God gives you peace to accept this situation and let the N go. You can't change the Narc, you can't change the fact that he was with all those other women and that he is now with someone else. What you need to do is stop comparing yourself to her. She isn't getting a better man..she is getting the same Narc you had. She will be D&Ded sooner or later. I know you can't see this right now and these words are going to sound awfully hollow...but you lucked out! For all those good times that he was wearing his mask...how many bad times were there where he treated you like an object, gave you the silent treatment, missed an important date, lied to you....this is not a man who deserves you. Sooner or later you will see that. It will feel gut wrenching for a while...but you will come out of this fog and appreciate the gift of freedom from the N.