Still hurting
Still hurting
Im on Day 42 of NC. I went through a week or so right around Day 30 when I thought "ok, I can do this". I was taking care of myself and really started to believe I was worth more han what he gave me and how he treated me.
I am down in the dumps lately. Crying more for him. Missing him. Thinking about him before sleep. Kissing him goodnight in my head, sobbing into the pillow, and BEGGING God to send him back to me. I want G to call- tell me it was all a mistake. Tell me he's not marrying that South American woman. That he's changed and he wants me. I BEG the universe to make it different.
I am so so sad. Crying at work again. I've had to close my office door, sniffle quietly, then get myself together. I have had to tell patients and my staff that I have a cold and that's why my eyes are red rimmed and my nose like Rudolf the Reindeer.
Friends, I am so sad. I just want to STOP thinking about him. I want to stop dreaming about him holding me, making me smile, telling me all the dreams we had together. I want the ache to go away. I WANT TO HATE HIM. I just... Don't. I seriously sometimes want him to Hoover, just so I'll know he's thinking about me.
Help. I am so sorry that I'm always so whiny. I feel selfish coming here when I'm at my lowest and not really writing much else. I'm just not in a place that I can offer to support anyone else. T
Selfish. I just don't have it in me- I have no words of wisdom, yet I hope for yours... I'm so sorry.
I need you all again. I am so sad. I want my boyfriend back. I am very grinchy. Bah humbug and all that. I want my G back and I want a Happy Christmas together. And I won't get it and it hurts so very badly.
I called my doctor and am going in to talk about antidepressants. Embarrassing as hell- health care folk make TERRIBLE patients. I just hope maybe it will help me not feel so bad. I honestly had a split second in the car tonight that I wondered what would happen if I veered into traffic. I would never do it, of course, for all I the reasons I've said before. But I just want to stop aching all the time.
All. The. Time.
It is visceral, this pain. It is a pain that makes me want to claw off my skin. When I think about him with all those OW. When I think about him engaged to that woman. It is an unimaginable pain.
Please, someone hold my hand here. Tell me how it will get better. Convince me.
Thanks.
S.
Smnp, sweetie
Feel Your Pain
It's such a long hard process
Consider your hand
"Do you realize, completely,
UGH... One day you will be
I worry the same thing. If he
Don't be embaressed.. That's
I understand. Even now,
smnp...we are here for you.