Still in denial

24 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 10 - 7PM

Lost

Still in denial

Hi,

I came across this site after being told by my psychologist that my ex had a personality disorder and that he was more than likely a narcissist.

Reading everyone's stories has helped me a lot in coming to understand what my 1 year relationship with him was all about. However I still have feelings of denial about what he really is and I'm finding it hard to reconcile the thoughts in my head about how he was when we first met and then how he starting changing within 1month of me moving jobs and cities to be with him.

In the beginning he made me feel so special and stated that he would marry me if he was still smitten with in 9mths or however long it was. He would call everyday, text everyday, told me that he loved me within 1mth of meeting and wanted me to move interstate to be with him so we could give things a go. He was not interested in a long distance relationship at first.

Within a month of me moving his behaviour started changing, he was so negative about everything and anyone. I withdrew and became quiet and fearful of actually expressing myself, my feelings, thoughts and opinions as I didn't want his anger thrown in my face. Even house hunting was a fearful experience for me as he was so negative about every option that I came up, it was all about what he wanted and needed. Unbeknown to me he was ringing his ex girlfriend daily before we met and continued this during our entire relationship. He would ring her up to 10 times a day and when I confronted him about this he said that was bullsh*t, phone records don't lie!

I left him after 6mths after I found out that he was cheating on me with said ex girlfriend. He was so nasty to me my last week before I left and I don't think he actually thought I'd go through with it. He then proceeded to ring me everyday saying how much of mistake he had me and that he loved me and not her, he was just using her. This continued for another 6-7mths. Yet he refused to give her up, his excuse was that she was there and I wasn't, skinny women turned him on.

I finally had enough of being used and abused for money or someone to listen to him when his new GF would piss him off, I was the one who he always called. It has been 4 weeks since NC and I am struggling with it as we had a big argument over what I told him. Basically I'm the one with issues (which I acknowledge there are things about me that I need to change) and that he makes no apologies, loves who he is and always.

He rang me over the weekend and I ignored the call although I don't think he actually meant to ring me. His new GF's number is below mine in his phone so I think he accidentally pressed me number.

My quandary is that I have items which he gave me during our time together which I want to send back to him as I don't want anything that reminds me of him. What should I do here?

He has blocked me on Facebook and I have blocked everyone associated with him so he can't see my profile or hear about what I'm doing.

I'm also finding it really hard to separate what is his and what is mine and I feel as if I have taken on so much of his personality and thoughts.

Thank you to this website and everyone's comments and posts. Reading them does help and makes me feel that I'm not alone in this journey of self-discovery.

#2 Jul 11 - 5AM

agnesmurphy17

His Stuff

I would not send his stuff back. He does not care. If he did, he would have asked for that stuff back. They always do. If they don't ask, they don't care. Money, possessions -- it is their modus operandi. Sending stuff back = contact because you are inserting yourself into their space & consciousness. Throw the stuff out -- give it to charity. But I wouldn't send back anything he gave you. I somehow doubt that you have anything which is really his -- they keep track of their possessions. Your story is almost identical to mine. My N also does not want to live alone. I think it is the shared expenses, convenient sex, domestic & secretarial services -- as well as, he is so vacant that he cannot stand to be alone. And the fear. Ah! How well I know that. Everything starts so lovely. Prince Charming. But the minute they have you committed, Mr. Hyde emerges. Eventually, every moment, even when Dr. Jekyll is around & life is good, every moment is lived in fear -- fear of the anger & temper which can lash out at any moment for any trifle (real or imagined) & which will last for hours if not days. This man had you move & give up your life to be with him. But all the while he was chasing (or even sleeping with) another woman. This man had not one ounce of feeling for you. And here you are a wreck, seeing a therapist, hanging out on this website -- and he's off with GF, perhaps accidently calling you when he means to call her. He's still in his home, in his town, at his job. He's not affected by this breakup or your leaving. You just dropped in for awhile & then dropped out. Really no big deal. The weirdness when you left is common. They are like little children being left at day care. They scream & yell when mommy leaves. But the moment she is out of sight, they are off playing with the other kids. It is generalized separation anxiety--it has nothing to do with you or needing you. And it has to do with CONTROL. They tell you to leave -- how dare you announce that you are leaving. They call the shots, not you. It's all about control with these guys. You seem to have contact with him. I suggest that you stop. NO CONTACT. There is no reason. It is over, he's with a new woman. It is very difficult to get over a pathological relationship. Having any contact with the abuser makes recovery even more difficult. Every contact triggers past traumas & they spew their twisted logic (which has the effect of brainwashing) & they induce fresh traumas.

#3 Jul 11 - 4PM (Reply to #23)

Lost

Prince charming my ....

Thanks agnesmurphy17, you are correct I doubt that the stuff he gave me was actually his apart from the two presents he bought me, one begrudgingly so because his mum told him to! I also think you are right in what you say about him pursuing the ex (and sleeping with her although he denies it) when pursuing me at the same time. Totally agree with you about the CONTROL aspect, his actions told me to leave and I wasn't going to put up with him but he tried every trick in the book to get my to stay, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me but I don't know if that makes you right for me, he'd get angry, told me about a supposed nickname that my friends had for me even though I knew the story behind it, punishing me for leaving and then how dare I. It's my fault he is now living alone paying all the rent by himself, the new GF won't move in with him, he only sees her on the weekend, she never organises anything for him blah blah blah .. One thing I have realised, if he really wanted me and I was the one, then he would have come after me and I did say that to him but his excuse was he had no money, no licence, everything was an effort so I told him that if he really wanted something then he would do anything, sell something whatever ... nope he would never part with his possessions! Then he actually threw that back in my face about wanting something you'd do anything ... Seriously WHO does that!!

#4 Jul 11 - 1AM

Sparrow

Your ex is very much a narc.

Your ex is very much a narc. There is no doubt about it! Mine did the same thing, invited me to move across country to "give it a go". Let me guess, he has never met anyone that is such a good "fit" with him. And he really believes this can " work". As much as we want to believe them, we shouldn't, because they are NOT true. The only difference is I turned mine down. It was all happening too quick. If ever I have learned something very valuable through my divorce, it's this......if it seems too good to be true, it is. Keep ignoring his calls, ship his stuff back to him and breathe a great big sigh of relief that you got out. I am reminded every day of the bullet I dodged. I am so glad I didn't move out there. I can't imagine the damage that would have been done to me.

#5 Jul 11 - 4PM (Reply to #21)

Lost

It's mind boggling ...

Wow thanks Sparrow, everything you have said is correct! He told me that we would last longer than his brother & his wife, I wouldn't find anyone that I had more in common with than him, he believes it can work blah blah blah ... the truth is I have very very little in common with him In some ways I did think it was too good to be true but I was romanced by him and the happy ever after tale which I also think is something I need to reconcile with myself. At this point I'm angry with myself because I didn't listen to my gut or listen to the warnings about him and the warning signs, I loved him and thought he loved me. I opened my heart and soul to him and for what ...

"... he would marry me if he was still smitten with in 9mths or however long it was." -an absolute classic. Being in denial is normal, but the truth is in your post. I look at what you wrote and have read so many just like it. It is easy to accept because we see it over and over again that these excuses for human being exist. They treat people horribly. You are doing yourself a great service by getting out now. Some stay for years and years. Take the time to get healthy. Read, go NC, and you will get thru this.

#24 Jul 10 - 8PM

bakingfortherapy

Hi Lost...

I am so sorry for your pain. I know it is terribly hard to deal w the D and D . But please pull yourself out if the back/forth, love you/ love you not.. sort of like her too...game!! Please try not ti get caught into trying towin him back. Stand your ground, voice your opinions but the tug of war over a N is awful and only will bring more pain. Get his stuff back to him however. Ship it. USPS, fed ex whatever!!! I know it's hard when your life and thoughts are intertwined but you were someone before him and you are someone after him! Good luck!!

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