Silent vs hoovering narcs

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#1 May 24 - 9AM

Deidre40

Silent vs hoovering narcs

This has been curious to me, since joining here, and reading everyone's stories. It seems there are two 'types' of narcs/psychopaths. One group tends to take the silent route. The other, tends to hoover...pester...annoy...seek reactions, etc. That would be mine. I sense he does this to see what he can get away with, if he can regain control. If I will give him a reaction.

But...just wondering why one group differs so much from the other?

If they like attention, what does the silent treatment do for them?

#2 May 25 - 8PM

Deidre40

soaper girl

{{{soaper!}}}] hugs! I think it's natural to feel those two types of feelings that seem to diametrically oppose one another. :P I think the #2 scenario...is because you loved him. With everything you had. You had high hopes. You want THAT feeling back, not necessarily life with him. He brought out good feelings in you. That's not necessarily a bad thing, and I believe you can feel those things again...but with the right person. Right feelings. Wrong person. So...maybe that'll help you deal with thinking about ever being in his arms. Even though you say it's not really a constant thing. But...hope this helps? {{hugs}}

#3 May 25 - 8PM (Reply to #41)

SoaperGirl

Thanks Dee, Hunter and Done Sourcing

Loved all yoru comments. Yes, you are right Dee, I had so many hopes and dreams tied up with him, or the guy I thought he was. He kept up that mask pretty good for a long time. Thinking back, I think there were a lot of red flags thatit wasn't a healthy relationship, but I loved the idea of being a wife again (after nearly 18 years alone after my divorce), with a warm, loving man by my side, for me to spoil, tease and spend hours making sweet, passionate love to. But it wasn't to be because of all the cancer and reconstruction - I wasn't perfect anymore I guess. Probably just as well. The positive thing of all this, it did get me outside myself, I had gotten into a terrible rut if staying home too much, neglecting my health and needs, and letting life pass me by. It was like I was already half dead, and didn't even know it! So now I'm alive again, vibrant, and eager to join the pulsating life force that is in the world.

#4 May 25 - 6PM

Done sourcing

the silent treatment is a

the silent treatment is a gift from them to you, theyare getting attention someplace else...remember they are liars, cheats and thieves. Just sayin' Chris

#5 May 25 - 7PM (Reply to #38)

sara-smile

Chris

Amen!

#6 May 25 - 7PM (Reply to #39)

Hunter

Silence = Peace

#7 May 25 - 7PM (Reply to #37)

Deidre40

Yep chris...you're right. =)

#8 May 25 - 6PM (Reply to #36)

agnesmurphy17

YES!

Mine hoovered me everytime he had a fight with his NW (her existence he kept a secret from me). Or when he learned that she was not such a good cash cow as me. The they would get back together & he would need us to divorce ASAP because he was suffering so much, & I refused to reconcile, he needed to recover, his heart was broken. I bet he pressed "send" & went into the next room & kissed his NW. She contacted me after she left him. The lies & deceit we uncovered. She read all his e-mails to me. We were able to chart dates, etc.

#9 May 24 - 6PM

Arwen

Goldie almost killed me with

Goldie almost killed me with that comment that when they are silent they have an OW and other supply LOL...Goldie I love you no offense...it just kills me to think of how he screwed me in every way and has had OW for five months or much longer I'm sure.

#10 May 24 - 11AM

Happy1

Silence is control and

Silence is control and punishment and then they come back when they feel we have learned a lesson or they are bored again.

#11 May 24 - 10AM

spinning

Hi, D. Great subject...

that unfortunately I am all too well acquainted with. The disordered one I was involved with used silent treatment as a means to regain control. To come out on top. To get me back "in line," (i.e. to stop asking questions and busting him in his lies). If you read about silent treatment, it is a form of torture. It is literally refusing to acknowledge someone's existence. It is especially painful and brutal when that someone is a member of your family or a so-called trusted lover and/or friend. It is a masterful manipulation designed to take the recipient of the silent treatment down. It is literally erasing the person and it is brutal. The disordered one would silent treatment me for a while and I would always be scratching my head. Soon enough I'd call and leave messages. And more messages. Eventually he'd "grace me" with his calls and/or texts back explaining that he had to withdraw because I had said or done something that was "so mean." He was always accusing me of being "so mean" to him. His definition of "mean" was asking a question about why he said one thing and did another. Eventually, I promised myself that when he refused to speak to me I would return the favor. Then he'd hoover. I always relented (I didn't know then what I know now). It was the worse mistake of my life the last time I let him back in after 20 days of pure NC. He is silent now. Has been since the final, brutal D & D which he changed his phone number and left the area TO REALLY HIT THE SILENT TREATMENT HOME...TO REALLY SHOW ME HOW HE CAN ELIMINATE ME---whatever! It worked for a while when I had PTSD and cognitive dissonance. Now I view it as a blessing. He will NEVER contact me again. He doesn't have the guts to. He's a COWARD. So there's my take in a nutshell. It's all about power and control. I hope it makes him feel better that he thinks he bested me. HE DID NOT. I am happier now than I've been in the entire six stupid wasted years I was involved with him. Sorry this is so long! It feels good to see things clearly and get this out and let go. Hugs and light and love to all who stop here. It does get much, much better. Most sincerely, (not) spinning (not even a little bit...the SUCKA DIDN'T TAKE ME DOWN!!!

spinning

#12 May 26 - 12PM (Reply to #32)

terri

spinning

I got the "you are/were mean to me" comments all the time as well. I mean ALL THE TIME!! It would totally confuse me in the early years because I am about the least mean person I know. I think I've even gotten a few comments on this forum from people who have said that I'm too nice. Of course, not I see this as their never-ending projection. In the end, I would get "you argue with me all the time" when I would have an opinion that would be different than his. And, if I used a tone that was in the least bit stern or emphatic, I was "yelling".

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#13 May 24 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

Tinker

spinning

i lived the silent treatment for 3 years and it is the ultimate control. i would wait and wait for him to contact me. he made me see that contacting him too much was stalking. he told me to 'get a life' and told me to date other men. i remember, after about 2 weeks when he was working and away on a business trip, he texted me sunday morning when i was out and i sat in the car and cried and cried i was so relieved. if i didn't act happy to hear from him, he'd say he was tired of me 'pouting'. every time we got close, he'd say he's moving. he did this so many times that i kept preparing myself for him leaving, then i started looking forward to the thought of him leaving to be done with all the pain. he did this to himself. now he's staying and has somebody else. he already told me that he's not ready to get close to anyone (including her, i guess) to warn me in case i wanted to see him on the side of the OW. not a chance. thanks Spinning to bring this up. everyone talks about hoovering to gain control. i'd have preferred that to being ignored - it's the ultimate abuse.

#14 May 24 - 8PM (Reply to #30)

Arwen

Marissa...yes, being ignored

Marissa...yes, being ignored and made to feel that YOU are the stalker when you go nuts after they drop you like a hot potato is THE EFFING WORST. I have never felt such pain from this as I do now. In five months he has contacted me twice, and I have about three or four times. And the two times he said he would call me later - yeah right. That was even more abuse...I am crying tonight from this very feeling that you are talking about. The abuse of being ignored. The feeling that you are a stalker.

#15 May 25 - 6AM (Reply to #31)

Deidre40

patiencegoal

I'm sorry patience. {{hugs}} Mine did a combination. He'd bait me. Various ways. Then, I'd text him to be polite, to try to extend an olive branch, thinking that was what he was attempting...then, he'd smash me by texing...''don't text me anymore! leave me alone!'' bla bla This went on until recently. I finally decided...NC all the way. I stayed off that website for a while, lurked, but didn't log in, until this weekend. He threw some 'bait' out in the open forum...I didn't take it. Nothing mean, friendly...actually, taking a pot shot at me. It's like...grow up a-hole. I can imagine that total, utter silence would be bad. They 'teach' that in the army. Military silence. If you can 'hear' your enemy coming, you'll prepare. If you can't hear him, you'll be taken off guard. There's a method to their madness. Beware. I think they are silent, so they can hover back around at some point...when you have completely moved on. Silent treatment does make a person feel bad, though. Like you don't exist, anymore. I get the sense that my ex would probably directly text/call me, had he not bashed me to our mutual friends. Now, if he reaches out...he knows I'll share that with them. So...just my take. He 'reaches out' in indirect ways now, and that forum is his new medium. Which I'm going to stay unlogged in for a while, again. It is a time waster during my workday. Plus...I am tired of him and his antics. Really. I'm tired. I want this all to go away. Pray for strength, patience. And healing. I will for you, too.

#16 May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #28)

Deidre40

spinning

I read this earlier today, and it really touched me. I am really close to being indifferent, thank goodness. I know so many here have gone through the ringer compared to what I have...he has definitely played his share of head games, and still tries to communicate through the other site. But, the way some of you have been treated, and you have also had longer relationships than me and he did...gosh, I can't imagine the pain you all much have beared. Don't apologize for this being long...I enjoyed reading it, and I think everyone needed to read this! {{hugs}}

#17 May 24 - 10AM (Reply to #10)

dudette

Totally agree

it is about control in the main but easier if they have replacement supply - they usually have it anyway, my narc never runs on near empty, he always has three or four backups and friends with benefits on top of that... as well as a surrogate momma who is 70 years old for good measure.... He is silent because I dumped him and formally told him not to contact me - he takes those things very literally....he is gutted because I never asked him back and to be honest I think he realises that thereception he would get if he tried would not be a good one. He knows that I know what he is... He is equally silent in his stalking though.... silent calls etc.. still checking, doing things by proxy etc..... creepy mindfucker and coward extraordinaire....

#18 May 24 - 4PM (Reply to #11)

SoaperGirl

wondering what to expect next from narc

My narc has remained silent pretty much since the breakup 3 months ago. I"ve never begged to get back together, and I refused to let him see me cry. I think I've put up a pretty good act of being a tough customer with him. He is living with OW now, so has replacement supply. I wonder how long that's going to last? He apparently relies on trolling for women on Match.com. He's 66 years old now, and getting to be quite the old and ugly basturd. Balding, white hair. Looks his age and then some. So, I was wondering, if you more experienced ladies can tell me what I might expect after his current relationship goes belly up? He has given the silent treatment pretty much since the D&D. I don't need someone that old, ugly and immature in my life. If I just knew what to expect, maybe I could deal with it. I don't want him back, I don't love him anymore...what I just want is for everything to blow up in his face, for him to fail at everything he tries, and for him to be completely out of my head, so I never have to think of him again. Advice? I just have this horrible feeling that one day, he'll pop up when I least expect it, and I might cave or something because I won't be expecting it or prepared.

#19 May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #19)

Deidre40

soaper girl

Hi SG! I read your thread recently about his profile on match. hahaha That made me laugh so hard! :P That said, he obviously isn't 'happy' (are they ever?) in his current ''relationship.'' The odds of him circling back to you...it's possible. It could be that when they are 'done,' they're done. I think some of these people fall into that category, out of pride maybe? But, good on you that you never let him see you cry or sweat! I admire your tenacity, and have learned a lot from you, so you know! Just my two cents. He could come back.

#20 May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #20)

SoaperGirl

That's Amazing Dee, I've always admired you too!

Seems like you always notice the women around, that no matter what life throws at them...yeah, they can be bent, but never broken. Even when they don't feel like it, they get up and fight the good fight. No matter how broken and bent they feel, they get up and never give up. I always think of you as being one of the toughest women on this board. Tough, strong, and resilent. I do admire and respect you so much! I always enjoy reading your no-nonsense comments. You're very level headed. I know as a narc they feel like they deserve the best of everything, and this woman has a house that definitely speaks of an upper/middle class lifestyle that is far above his low to middle class living standard. Geez, the guy was living on social security and that couldn't even cover his house payments let alone anything else! Seems to me when you are living in someone else's house, that puts the power and control in their hands - meaning his OW is the boss and as a narc I'd think that would stick in his craw big time! So, he has to keep her happy and his lips pressed firmly to her ass. Yeah, I'd think that would make him unhappy. I just can't help wondering how this will all play out. One tiny foot note, I keep praying to God for justice because of all his lies, cruelty and arrogance. The mental health professionals say these guys usually end up alone, broke and miserable. I hope and pray that's true! hahaha. I also loved the previous OLD AND UGLY remark. True! Oh so true!

#21 May 24 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

Deidre40

soaper girl

{{{hugs}}} wow, you made my night with that opening! Thanks...some days, I feel so weak. :=( But, I'm getting there! So are you! One day, SG...we'll look back at allll of this, and laugh. I HOPE. But, let me say. There will also come a day, and I am there now. Even though I'm brushing up against 7 weeks of being broken up with the narc, and that doesn't seem like a lot. But, there will come a day...when you will no longer want him to 'get his.' I sometimes have fleeting thoughts of that, but the truth is? HE IS LIVING IN HIS OWN PERSONAL HELL. 66 years old. Relying on a woman to support him financially. Worried she'll catch onto him. Just like you did. He probably thinks about what he lost with you, and all the other casualities along the way. Trust me! They may be cold, and calculated...but it ALL comes with a price. I believe this. My ex has kids who want nothing to do with him...he doesn't even know two of them. Ex wives who he doesn't speak to. He lost me, and he KNOWS I was the real deal. So...on and on we could go, but suffice to say. These men (and women) are living in a mirage of hopelessness. Always grappling for their next supply. The next greatest thing to compare us to. I mean...is that a way to live, really? So if he ends up with another woman, after this...do you really think he'll suddenly be happy at 66? 67? 75? lol Time's running out on that boy. :P Mine, the same. When I saw his profile on that dating site. My heart actually sank. FOR HIM. Not for me. For him. That it looked like a jaded, angry man...who has nothing to offer really, but some hobbies, and empty experiences. He can be fun, I'll give him that. But, the fun ends quick, the next one will soon find out. IT'S ALL ABOUT HIM. AND WHEN THESE NEXT WOMEN AFTER US, LEARN THAT...they will be right where we are. I actually pity the next woman. I really do. Any woman who would be turned on by that profile though? She is a glutton for punishment. lol Truly...the profile he has up...sucks! lol Nice chatting with you...hang in there...you will meet a decent, kind, loving man someday. I'm dating someone now...and he's great. He even listened to all this narc nonsense...lol

#22 May 24 - 8PM (Reply to #22)

SoaperGirl

You bring up a POV Dee I'd never considered

Living in his own personal Hell, and his profile sounds angry and bitter. I'd never thought of that, but I believe you hit the nail on the head. Way to go Girl! I can look at photos taken before, during and after our time together. With me, he looked so alive, virile, strong and even kind of handsome in his own way. Yes, even radiant with happiness! His eyes sparkle and shine, There's a big grin on his face, and a glow in his skin. The Before and after photos? Well, he looks like a shell of a man, old, ugly, withered, deformed, and yes, angry and bitter. No more supply from me! hahaha. I do find it hard to imagine any woman wanting him now. Now he's gotta keep this new woman happy by every means, or she can just decide anytime she likes to throw his butt out on the street. He has none of the protections of marriage or a rental agreement - Yes, I believe that paperwork counts which titles business and personal relationships, especially in courtrooms! At the start of their relationship, she called him her husband so it's easy to see where her head is. She wants that Mrs. title - and I really don't think he's not going to be any too eager to give it to her! When he and I had plans to live together, I told him up front I needed that marriage certificate because I wasn't going to travel 2,000 miles away from home and family without any legal protections. While my cancer threw a monkey wrench into our plans and it didn't work out, I still have that gold, engraved wedding band tucked away in a drawer. I suspect I already got the best of him that he had to give. Thank you for your great comments Dee and everybody. I've enjoyed them very much!

#23 May 25 - 8AM (Reply to #27)

Susan32

He gave you his best

That's a different perspective. You former Narc gave you his best... and it was the same with mine. When I first met the ex-Psych prof, he was handsome, slender, tanned. When he smiled, there'd be a sparkle in his dark eyes. He was infamous for being unsmiling, grim... but I saw his smile. The more he distanced himself from me... and by the time the girlfriend moved in with him, he had gotten fat, his teeth were worse, and his crows' feet were deeper. He even had a double chin beginning. He didn't exactly wither;he got paunchy. I'm sure his girlfriend saw him getting fatter-she lived with him. She was traveling from California to New Mexico to visit him my junior year- and the ex-P's obvious paunch, as well as his drunkenness- were the talk of the college. In my junior year, I told one of my friends that I wasn't drunk or desperate enough to have sex with the ex-P. Apparently the girlfriend was. I thought the ex-P would work out, preen himself, make himself LOOK GOOD for the new girlfriend (normal Ns/Ps groom themselves for their new supply). But he didn't. He had already given the best. And I've seen some more recent photos of him... he's still fat. I doubt he's seen a dentist.

#24 May 25 - 6AM (Reply to #23)

Deidre40

SOAPER GIRL

wow--you had cancer?? you're amazing! inspiring, soapergirl...thank goodness that narc-cancer is out of your life! be thankful. i think part of what we are angry about is...these people are not worthy of us, and yet we somehow made them bigger than life at one point. ugh. bleck. time to turn over a new leaf, and ONLY LOOK FOR PEOPLE WHO EDIFY YOUR LIFE! {{HUGS}}

#25 May 25 - 8AM (Reply to #24)

SoaperGirl

Thanki you Dee, You Just Made My Day! - My Cancer Story

Somehow I have a hard time thinking of myself as being amazing and inspiring! Well, my cancer story goes like this: In the middle of our plans for me to move to Oregon to be with "The Love of MY Life!" (the narc), last July I found a large lump in my right breast about the size of a walnut - scared the crap out of me. I told my doctor, and I was quickly scheduled for a mammogram and biopsy. It turned out to a non-cancerous papilloma. However, my doctors were not satisifed because as it turns out, papillomas are often companions to cancer. The Pathologist asked for the entire tumor which had three satelite tumors, and that's when the cancer was found and it turned out to be a multi-focal cancer (which means the cancer was scattered throughout my breast rather than a single lump). Happens 20% of the time. The cancer was very small, but being multi-focal a lumpectomy was out of the question - I was soon scheduled for a mastectomy. When I woke up, my right breast was gone and in it's place were two drain tubes. Here's where the story gets fabulous! My surgeon danced into the room as I was waking up. She delightedly announced: "We got it all Linda!" I asked how many nodes she'd removed. "None! The nodes were biopsied and were clear! The cancer is all gone, you should have a completely normal life span!" Wow! The Excellent News continues. My doctors decided that since the primary cancer site was less than 8 mm (I'm talking stage 1 cancer here btw) - roughly about the size of your thumbnail...chemo and radiation were taken off the table as being completely unnecessary! Reconstruction had already begun. As the weeks went by, different tests were made. All my organs and bones tested clean and clear (no osteoporosis from the bone scan helped chase away my depression and turned the corner for me!) No cancer gene mutations were found - and with some minor hormonal drug therapy my chances of a recurrence are now less than for the average woman (at 6%), my chances stand now around 5%. Prognosis is excellent! Reconstruction is now nearly complete: I have two breasts now complete with nipples, with only the aerola tattoo remaining to be done in a few weeks. Life is good! I'm as full of piss and vinegar as I ever was! I probably as a foot note should mention: The narc did not take well to my having a breast removed and with all the reconstruction involved, it seemed to cool his ardor down considerably. So, he found himself a whole woman of a higher social and economic stature. His loss, my gain!

#26 May 25 - 5PM (Reply to #25)

Hunter

SG

You are a strong woman. Screw him. I hope he loses both his balls and he will have no one but himself to be there for him. Sorry I get angry. You are a smart success funny woman. Rock On! Hunter

#27 May 25 - 8PM (Reply to #26)

SoaperGirl

Wow! What a lovely thing to say

Just listening to a narcissist talk by Linda Martinez-Lewis on Stop before you Marry a Narcissist. Just listening to makes me glad my narc and I didn't get married. She says something to the effect "you better hope he moves on to someone else" may not be her exact words, but close! I sometimes feel of two minds. 1. I want to kill the bastard and I wish a thousand agonizing deaths on him, that everything would go bad in his life, and he suffers a thousand torturous deaths, and his OW too! hahaha. Oh god, this whole narc thing makes me feel a little crazy sometimes. 2. I desperately long to feel him in my arms, like I'd do anything to get him back and I feel even crazier still. Happily #2 scenario isn't nearly as bad as it used to be, and I think gradually weakening hence why #1 is a big fantasy of mine! Those are my fantasies, but the reality is, I have never made a move to try to win him back - if anything I've been insulting, vicious, hateful, mocking and humiliating in my behavior toward him even when I've broken no contact. I've never ever begged and pleaded or suggested in anyway he should come back. NEVER! Maybe because I will not let him have that kind of control because I think he'd be even worse. Oddly enough, even no matter how angry he's evidentlhy been toward me, he now seems to show a certain respect I never saw even when we were together. Ultimately, I am the woman he spent over a year grooming to take his dead wife's place, and I got away! So now, I'm struggling to quiet the longing, and not contact. It's getting easier though I do admit. There's hope!

#28 May 24 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Susan32

He's certainly old&ugly!

For all the love, devotion&commitment, your Narc and his new lady are moving on so fast they're BOTH on Match.com already. And how long ago did he move in with her??? I think I left New Mexico 11 years ago because I don't think I would've enjoyed watching the demise of the ex-Psych prof's relationship with his girlfriend. It's bad enough he got her pregnant... and he found pregnant women disgusting&horrific, and hated children. God spared me the sight of that disaster. All I know is that after she gave birth to his twins and he married her... his parents moved in to raise his kids. His parents are living with him. I guess the ex-P didn't come back to me is because I did the ol' pre-emptive strike, the shock&awe tactic (I have the tactical advantage of being his former student, NOT a former spouse or girlfriend) I think when I broke NC two years ago... I made him feel inferior. To a toddler. Since he hated ridicule, I ridiculed him. Since he hated being called by his first name (he didn't like it when his colleagues did it either), I called him by his first name. He hated being compared to children- so I compared him to children. Laughing at him caused him to run away. So I laughed at him... using the USPS. I went for him when HE was vulnerable, and went in for the kill. I highly doubt that calling his father "Daddy" went over that well.

#29 May 25 - 6AM (Reply to #17)

Deidre40

susan

Susan...your ex sounds so nuts. lol I love your writing, you should be a writer, seriously. {{hugs}}

#30 May 25 - 8AM (Reply to #18)

Susan32

I'm a writer

Now for the *HAPPY* part. I've been a published writer over the past 8 years. I wrote for local newspapers on religion/spirituality from '03-'06 or '07. I've been writing for magazines since '06 or so. Currently, I'm doing research for articles. Back when I was with the ex-Psych prof, people did say "you should be a writer." They saw my potential. Thank goodness I've been writing! ;)

#31 May 24 - 6PM (Reply to #14)

SoaperGirl

Why Keep Your Profile visible if You Aren't Looking?

I think Match.com has three month subscriptions at a time with auto renewal. I believe he moved into her home about May 8, about a couple of weeks ago. We broke up about three months ago, I imagine our breakup was shortly after they hooked up on Match.com. I think they found each other on Match.com. I think they already had a thing going because during the previous month, he was brushing me off a lot saying he was too busy to talk with me. Subscription is probably still running as their accounts were still active, but I noticed this morning, I couldn't serarch for them although I did have them bookmarked. They have blocked me now, or went invisible now that the word is out regarding them still being active on Match.com. The search was kind of something a person on Cheaterville suggested that is likely how he found her, and that made me curious to find out. What really got me curious is that he had been active within 3 DAYS of when I did the search. Made me wonder if he's trolling again. You know how narcs are they like to have several sources of supply. What really knocked my socks off was she had also been active on Match.com within a week of my search. Their profiles were still visible and active! I would think given the situation, both them would have deactiviated their profile visibility so as not to attract any new interested parties. Would I be wrong to think if you weren't looking any further, you'd hide your profile? I have no doubt he is using her as he used the standard narc tactics to secure her affections (fast-forwarding, spending every moment lavishing attentionon, the works...) I'm thinking she might even possibly be a female narc herself and using him as well. There are RED FLAGS all over that relationship. It's not a matter will it break down, but when! After that, I'm just wondering what I should expect next?

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