Sick if being single....

19 posts / 0 new

#1 Apr 4 - 9AM

sarah787

Sick if being single....

Okay, so I'm really coming to terms these last couple of weeks that I do NOT want the narc back in my life, but I can't help but be lonely.

I remember he once said "I would never find another boyfriend if I continued to act crazy." We've been broken up officialy for a year, and I have maybe been on 2 dates, while he has had 3 girlfriends. I have tried EVERYTHING. Dating websites, clubs, bars, you name it. I have a great job, workout everyday, I am starting to become obsessed with being single. And I am upset with myself that I am even upset with this in the first place.

I use to want a bf before my narc, but never like this. I am almost 24, and feel like I will be 40, single, wrinkly, while all of my friends will be married. I've always been the single one, before my narc. I never had HS sweet heart. I'm beginning to feel SO ugly.

I don't understand while all my friends get asked out. I take pictures of myself at night, obsessing over plastic surgery, etc. etc. I hate my face. Sad, huh? The narc use to call me bautiful all the time. I don't know what to do. I have a therapists, express this to her, but it's getting worse. NOT ONE MAN IS INTERESTED IN ME! :(

#2 Apr 4 - 7PM

itsallgood

At 24 you should be living

At 24 you should be living your life to the fullest. You should be evolving into "you". I agree that you are not ready to date until you are happy with yourself. You should be developing your career so you will never "need" a man. There's no time to be lonely. Go live! I also bet that more than half of your friends who marry in their 20's while be divorced with kids by 40 with no job and just barely getting by. How appealing is that?

#3 Apr 4 - 6PM

Timehelps2

Just a thought here

24...honey you have a lifetime ahead of you! :) One of my favorite quotes is " Life must be lived forward but it can only be understood backwards". It's always easier to see things that way. So trust us "older" ones here and take comfort in all the time you have left. I can only speak for myself that if I had a chance to start at 24 again, wow what a gift. I have to agree with so many comments about centering yourself. Try to find a way to love who you are the way you are first. Don't try to change into someone else for the approval of the outside world. I know 3 women who are divorced, all with different stories and I love them dearly. One who is educated, worldly, finacially secure and really attractive but constantly depressed and complaining. She's alone. Another who is sweet and funny, would give the world to anyone that asks and has tons of friends but is "screaming" loneliness & desperation for a relationship, that's one of the first things someone learns about her. she's also alone. The third who is divorced for more than 10 years (husband abandoned her and thier 3 year old daughter and moved to a differnt country) wasn't single for more that 6 months before she fell into her long term relationship with a wonderul man. She was always the person with the positive outlook, let things roll off her back and took every advantage (in a good way) of the opportunies that came her way. I can hardly preach from my soapbox that it's all about a positive attitude but she always had men around her, not because she was beautiful but because she seemed to exude this energy that made her so appealing. Lol. Kinda what the narcs do huh? She's not one though! I've been trying to learn by observing these three friends how life seems to go for or against them by thier outlook and how they feel about who they are. Even if we try to hide our misery it shows somehow and until we can fix that it's going to be hard to find a healthy connection. Let me tell you, I'm seriously lonely too and I work hard on this one everyday. It's annoying to hear it over and over but beauty really does come from the inside and I'm sure you have plenty of it once you heal from the damage and pain. You'll get there! It's just a lot of hard work!

#4 Apr 4 - 1PM

ShaynasMommy

Sarah787

"NOT ONE MAN IS INTERESTED IN ME! :(" That's probably NOT true. Its just that the RIGHT kind of man hasn't shown interest yet because you haven't run into him yet. I was like you for a while, womdering what was wrong with ME, but I think its just that (like myself) with the exception of the Narc, you probably have higher standards for who you would like to date. That always seems to be the case IMO anyways, the difference between those who get "alot" of dates, and those who go through dry spells, which are normal. You are probably sub consiously giving off that "approach with caution" vibe to many men because you have been hurt, (a year is not that long in terms of recovery from narcissistic abouse)and I think most men instictively know when your standards supercede anything they have to offer, and those men will not risk the rejection from you. The only ones who would are Narcs, and we should know why by now (RE: CRAZY). I don't know your other friends who seem to be getting more dates lately (and not saying they give it up too easily) but its just a possibility that they may not be as concerned with the quality of men they are dating as you are, for whatever reasons. Having high standards is nothing to be ashamed of. Its essential to treating yourself well in this life. As for him.....blowing through 3 girlfriends in a year's time is NOTHING to crow about. It just says to (astute) people that he can get a woman, but he can't keep one.

#5 Apr 4 - 1PM

Hunter

Sara7

I was Narc the first time when I was your age. I didn't date much after that. I had Sooo much fun traveling hanging with friends! It was the most excieting of times for me! Dating, narc would squash that like a bug every time! Back then I didnt understand it, so you are at an advantage going forward! Bottom line have fun be proud of who you are and good things will happen! BTW they say 40 is the new 30. :)

#6 Apr 4 - 1PM (Reply to #15)

Happy1

Idealk

39 is the new 21! LOL!!

#7 Apr 4 - 1PM

Happy1

sarah787

Don't fret over it too much! I know we have all felt this and it will happen when we least expect it. Don't try too hard and just live life as you wish. Have fun for you! It will happen when it happens.

#8 Apr 4 - 1PM

ImStrong

If you dont love yourself how is he going to love you

Im actually feeling this way recently..i would like a bf but I dont need one and I dont feel ugly..im 27....you have to start loving yourself girl..you feel ugly without a man telling you your beautiful...the narc will tell a pig its beautiful..they are manipulators..nothing they say is true..there words is to keep supply..you feel ugly inside that is why you feel ugly without a man..that is why you are not ready for a man..you will definitly pic up a narc again or a jerk..because you want anyone to tell you your pretty... Your post is a red flag that your not ready to date..you dont like your face..you want surgery..you think your ugly.. Super red flag..you need to be alone right now loving your face and all your insecurities until you love everything about you inside.. You see insecure women like yourself go to relationship to relationship to cover up themselves or to never face they dont like them..you need to work on you.. Your thinking of "im ugly but I got a man" is cute to feel..its not..you know why your not fooling anyone and men sense low self esteem insecure women like you a mile away..they tell you what you want to hear in your case what you need to hear..and they move on.. You need some you time..you need to love everything about you before you love someoneelse..

"In the fiery pit lays a man with two faces.One is the face of a God and the other a face of the Devil.Beware He lurks your souls.Keep one hand on your heart and the other hand over your eyes. Let him walk pass you not into you.Ghost of love will possess

#9 Apr 4 - 1PM

sarah787

I really didn't mean to

I really didn't mean to offend anyone by the whole 40 wrinkle comment. At 24 I already have wrinkles. Just having a really hard time.

#10 Apr 4 - 4PM (Reply to #8)

Journey

I'll be honest and say when I

I'll be honest and say when I read your post, seeing those words did sting a little. I know you didn't mean any harm by it, but as a single woman past the age of which you speak, I fight within myself often now to keep the fear that I may be alone for the rest of my life from occupying my thoughts or worries. For my own good, I realize it is better to accept it might be true and carry on regardless because I am a lot happier when I do, rather than feeling a need to restlessly search for a man. In other words, I try to keep such a negative thought as far out of my head as possible in order to find the joy within me, since it is all I have left. Surely you must know in real terms how many dating opportunities await you for many years because you are only 24. I once heard a song a line that said "I won't miss you, till I'm gone" That speaks volumes to me. It is a reminder of the importance of staying in the moment, or at least living in the moment as much as possible. Learning what you are right now at 24 about narcs, toxic relationships and needing to be happy first without a relationship is priceless! The dating pool will be wide open for you for a long time. In real terms there is absolutely no way you will remain alone (unless you chose to) during the 16 years before you turn 40. I remember freaking out when I turned 30, like I was so old... I laugh at that absurdity now. Then I remember turning 40 and I was in a fairly new relationship and happy. That one ended naturally after 8 years because our interests simply grew apart. Then I met my narc. I had no idea about disorders, I understood abuse and abusive relationships, but I still didn't see it because I didn't suspect the dishonesty. I was blind to all the red flags because I believed his intentions and words he spoke were true. For the first time in my life thought THIS man is the one I knew I could love the rest of my life and be happy with - destiny and timing felt right. Then when I turned 50 I didn't even want to celebrate my birthday. It was six months after narc left, I was devastated emotionally and felt I would never, ever, love again. I still didn't even suspect he was a narc. Here I am almost 2 years after the break up, I've discovered and accepted now that he is a narc and I'm still alone dealing with the horrendous aftermath of that toxic relationship, of accepting that the dream of finally finding the love I'd always wanted was actually too good to be true, was all a lie, accepting I may never come close again to believing in a dream like that and repairing all the damage left behind that has been done to my whole life because I gave up so much to keep the dream alive. I am sorry to hear you feel so bad about your appearance and think it is the cause for your 'aloneness', but look around at the woman you see happy in relationships. We all look different, we all are not beauty queens with killer bodies. Your looks are only a part of what a man sees. I'mStrong is right on when she says to look within to find your happiness first instead of from a man. There truly is no other way to develop the love you really want instead of attracting more emotionally unavailable men, receiving fleeting attention which only ever gives a false validation of self worth and self esteem because they don't really love us. Healthy men sense desperation and it isn't attractive in anyone, including the model next door. Your looks have absolutely nothing to do with what is seen by people who are capable of loving you. Now, I don't want to come across to seem like I think because you are only 24 you should be happier just to be younger. BUT, seriously think about a lifetime. 24 is very young relatively speaking and by no means should we assume where we are ever at emotionally is permanent - none of it ever is. The only constant is change. Change will always happen, this too shall pass - whether good or bad - it always does. Finding love that endures life's lessons is a gift and appreciating that gift from those in your life right now who are giving it - family, friends... that is way more valuable that a man's attention and in my opinion is what truly helps us find our self worth within. We need to spend time with people who love us for ourselves and who reflect that back for us to recognize. Every time we do, it builds self worth within that no one can take from us if we don't let them. I'm sorry to go on here, I just wish I understood this fact in a much more concrete way sooner in my life, so it could have protected me from allowing myself to fall under the narc's spell. I truly hope you will find a way to believe in yourself now and find the courage and the strength to reach within and just take the time alone now as a gift to do that while still young enough to follow many dreams with a life wide open to potential and possibilities ahead of you. It will get better if you let it, honestly, but do the work now, get it over with so you don't need to repeat patterns that only bring pain instead of joy.

Journey on...

#11 Apr 4 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

sarah787

Journey you brought tears to

Journey you brought tears to my eyes. Everything you said ( and others) is so inspirational. I'm sorry for causing a little sting, I think at any age the fear of loneliness can creep in. I am so very thankful for mentors like you. I am printing out all these responses and reading them daily. THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#12 Apr 4 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

Journey

No worries Sarah and you are

No worries Sarah and you are very welcome! I hope my words have reached you enough to lighten this load you are carrying and to smile a bit more at what you do have in your life. I just think we as women especially need to stop perpetuating the myth that older women are somehow less worthwhile and unattractive beyond a certain age is all. It is a constantly reinforced belief by the media, movies, television etc. and it is one of the most unfair assumptions continually propagated that we as women have to live with and endure as we age. Just like actress who can't find good roles past the age of 40 (or 50 now), we need to stop buying into it and change the way we ourselves think about it. When I do look at online dating sites (which isn't often partly for this reason), even the men who are my age are looking for someone years younger and if I am honest about how old I am signing up, I would not even be considered by the computer 'matching' because my age would be filtered out of their search, yet I am a young spirit, in good shape and look a lot younger than many women of the same age. I can't tell you how that feels. So just remember how much time really does lie ahead of you in which you can blossom into the beautiful, emotionally healthy and loving woman that many men will find irresistible to be around. Okay, I'll get off the soap box now - lol!

Journey on...

#13 Apr 4 - 7PM (Reply to #10)

HopeAgain

You don't need to be validated like the Narc does

I thought I could never get over my ex-N until I gave my heart to someone else. I was dating and meeting all the wrong guys and feeling zero chemistry or interest. I am taking a rest and I am in my early 40's (I must admit I don't look it..lol). I realized I am not in a race and it will happen when it is meant to happen. Sure, certain times the loneliness creeps in and holidays aren't as special. Surprisingly at my age it is the first time I am truly single since high school. I am enjoying my newfound sanity without the narc. Most of all I worked so hard..day and night..to be validated by the Narc. Now I realize I dont' need to be validated by any man! Take your time and don't look for it so hard. You really do have your whole life in front of you. And this time, make sure you don't settle for less than you deserve. Just a few words of wisdom from an "old bag"...lol

#14 Apr 4 - 2PM (Reply to #7)

ewa

You are not "already" 24 you

You are not "already" 24 you are just 24 :) At 25 i have met my N and lost with him 3 years of my life. So be careful so you do not the same mistake again.Hugs

#15 Apr 4 - 12PM

Journey

Well, as an older, single

Well, as an older, single member past 40 who has not been on a date in over a year or had sex in a year and a half, I will not take offense to your fears of being singe and wrinkly in 16 years! OMG! Do you hear what you are saying?! 16 YEARS before you are 40! That is so much time to find yourself in a loving relationship, and really, at only 24 years old, what is the hurry? When I think back to 24 I felt similar to you I guess, but I've had several relationships since then, the longest lasting 8 years. Have never been married and no one has ever asked. That depresses me sometimes but with experience I realize there is a lot more to life than finding the 'one'. Shit, I thought narc was the one and did my very best to be the very best I could for him and look where that got me. I am attractive, talented, fun and have a lot to offer. At the age I am now at men are slim pickings. Most of the guys that do hit on me are much, much younger. I hope to love again but honestly, there are other things which are now more important to me. Like being happy... experience has taught me that the only one who can do that for me is me. Please, please, try to lighten up on yourself. Plastic surgery won't change the inside which it sounds like needs the makeover. Instead of thinking about being alone, find the joy in your friendships, your girlfriends, your own person. A healthy relationship won't find you while you are stuck obsessing about finding it. Please...

Journey on...

#16 Apr 4 - 12PM

fierflie

I dont think 40 year olds are

I dont think 40 year olds are old and wrinkly. you're only 24!! I'm 32 and I LOVE being single. guys keep hounding me for relationships in their 40's saying i'm too young to date becaus ei just wanna have fun. GIRL, have fun! Go travel. You have a good job.... stop hanging out in bars looking for some dude to suck up your energy. trust me, who cares if some 24 year old narc says you're 'crazy'. You'll get there! chin up, girl.

#17 Apr 4 - 11AM

Alisa

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm feeling a lot like that too. Except, I am almost 40, though not wrinkly ;) My boyfriend (non narc) and I broke up more than 2 years ago. After grieving for more than a year I met the narc who helped me get over my ex in a way.... other than the narc there have been NO MEN whatsoever. I haven't tried dating sites yet, maybe I should. The narc was a huge waste of my time - it's been a wasted year, a roller coaster ride that cost me a lot of energy and did not get me the relationship I was hoping for although it did make me realize that I could get over my boyfriend. The narc broke up with me 9 months ago and has had 2 girlfriends since then. I have been on one date in the meantime. Sucks. Sorry, can't cheer you up but you're not alone.

#18 Apr 4 - 9AM

sarah787

Sick ***of being single.

Sorry for the typo!

#19 Apr 6 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

JLMNY1

Single

I'm 34 and recently got out of the Narc relationship. When he and I met, I was at a really good place in my life. I went back to school for my Master's, I had a great social life, good friends, and I was a happy single person. Guys can tell when girls are at this point- They WANT the independent, happy, successful girl who doesn't NEED them. It is SO attractive to them. But you have to FEEL it- you have to really love yourself, love what you're doing, be happy, and if a guy comes along that you want to date, great, but if not, you'll still be happy. I was struggling with feeling lonely too. After all, you just got out of a relationship, where you dedicated yourself and your time to another person. You are used to them being there, and when they aren't, you miss it. But think about what you really miss. You don't miss HIM. You just miss having a relationship, and having someone there. That will pass when you heal. Good luck to you- remember, it's about finding peace within yourself. Then the right guys will flock to you. And you're only 24- I think back to the guys I was dating at 24 and I'm so thankful I didn't end up with them!! :) Focus on yourself.

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