Sad

18 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 29 - 11PM

faith_

I got so sad tonight. It's been over 4 months I haven't had contact. I'm not close to over it. I take different steps every day. I try for the most part to make sense of it, and do that sometimes. My heart tonight just felt sadness. I heard a song that we both thought was special and it took me there. And I don't want to feel this separation. It hurts. It's so painful, and I had a hard time in seeing a purpose in it tonight. The silver lining. The whole "getting stronger over this and the lessons will make it worth it" thing, which I definitely work for, to stay positive.

I just wanna say that my heart has many places in it where the logic hasn't reached. Where it just feels. And when it realizes the reality, it's still in shock. Shocked that it will never experience everything I thought I had with him, that I can't share it with another, and that in the most hurtful ways, I'm alone in this. I can't resolve it. I can't share my feelings with him. I can't find closure (the kind normal people find in normal relationships). I just have to keep doing the work on my side, but it can never be shared.

It sucks. Just like all of us, I feel like I never signed up for this. And now it's a part of me. A part I can't get rid of and forget it ever existed. A part that's so deep in me, that I have to feel it every day and accept. It's just impossible to act like it never happened on the inside, even if I do it on the outside. It's such a big part of me, and I really hope all of me can get past it, and have a chance at a happy life.

And I am very grateful for everything I have in my life, I give thanks to God for many things throughout the day, and appreciate small things. I just need to be real and can't deny his sadness/confusion/angst. It's taken so much from me, this whole thing, and I almost feel crazy that it's still consuming me.

#2 Mar 1 - 9AM

Femmegem

Faith

I feel your pain I really do. I'm 4 months as well. Most days I am OK and if I think of him it is in anger and contempt but occassionally i hear one of our songs and the pain is crucifying. Just take it day by day and know each day you are building strength away from him. Take care sweet, and stay strong. X

#3 Mar 2 - 1AM (Reply to #17)

faith_

Thank you, Femmegem. I know,

Thank you, Femmegem. I know, isn't it crazy what a song can do, and where it can take us? It's like pure emotion, away from all the learning and knowledge. You stay strong and take care of yourself too.

#4 Mar 1 - 7AM

Hunter

Of course you're sad .. Your

Of course you're sad .. Your mourning a loss.. I'm sure you have mourned a loved ones death..this is no different. Eventually with time .. Life becomes whole again.. There is far more misery and sadness continuing on in an abusive relationship. Keep doing what your doing.. My guess .. A terrific progress report in 2 more months.. Hunter

#5 Mar 2 - 2AM (Reply to #15)

faith_

Thanks for all your

Thanks for all your understanding and support Hunter...it totally takes all of me to experience these feelings and push through...growth is really hard sometimes, especially when it involves dysfunction like this. I wish it could be easier to leave something that's so unhealthy and wrong in many ways, but it's a battle to fight. And you're right, I cannot deny the misery and sadness that I kept pushing down when with him. huggs.

#6 Mar 1 - 2AM

Jar of hearts

You aren't crazy!

You are healing Hun, 4 months NC is an amazing achievement well done to you! X Won't bore you with my whole tale but in a nutshell me and exN have a child so some contact I thought was needed after his last attempt at devaluing me I've decided NC is the only way . It's a tough decision for all of us to make especially when we feel sad and have so many unanswered questions! I'ts been almost 3 years since we split but there was a lot of mind games played on his part for 18 months after that and the pain , saddness and not understanding overwhelmed me at times! But..... I see now by finding this forum that I had to / have to go through these feelings to get off the Narc train. Last week I was consumed in anger towards him - really shocked after this length of time but he has been hoovering and I'm angry at that and me . This week different story !! I'm no expert Hun at all but try accept the feelings you have they are your journey to freedom x No - one told us this is going to be easy but EVERYONE tells us it's going to be worth it!! Xx

#7 Mar 2 - 2AM (Reply to #13)

faith_

Thanks, Jar of hearts...I

Thanks, Jar of hearts...I definitely sang with that song, thinking of ex. It's true that the journey can be different for everyone...can feel all over the place. It's always different for me, where I am one day to the next. Definitely not linear. I just want to be free of the confusion and pain and doubt, especially. That would be a gift, to find a resolution, and not be haunted by the lack of resolution with him, and not being able to respond to so much that he's said while hovering...that make sense and make me look bad. But oh well, I just have to remember the NOn-resolution nature of it when I was WITH him. It just compounded the bad. And it was me thinking that it CAN be good, that kept me going back for so long. Yes, I will try to be as accepting and real with myself as I can. I once told him, "I feel like I have to deny reality to be with you"...that's how crazy his perceptions and side of things seemed...and that's what I shaped myself into. But it was always changing and never made sense, and obviously it drove me crazy trying to manage. And probably, since there was no time to really 'feel' when with him, is why there's so much our brains are still trying to process now. It was all about him when I was with him, i was just trying to constantly make sense of the "scrambled eggs" Hunter has talked about, and stay afloat. In separating, there's So much to be done. And even though it is painful and difficult, it was also very hurtful and full of anxiety/eggshells/uncertainty to be with him too, so I must not forget how he treated me when I was there.

#8 Feb 29 - 11PM

bobh3625

YES YES

If it is of any conselation I felt exactly the same way today missing my n every time I would try an lay daown I would start crying cannot believe I fell so hard

#9 Mar 2 - 1AM (Reply to #10)

faith_

hugs, bobh...be kind to

hugs, bobh...be kind to yourself xxx

#10 Mar 2 - 2AM (Reply to #11)

bobh3625

thank you

#11 Feb 29 - 11PM

Armed

You're not alone.

I hate that I had this experience. I feel tarnished. I don't look at people the same anymore. How do we trust again?

#12 Mar 2 - 1AM (Reply to #7)

faith_

Tarnished is a good word. I

Tarnished is a good word. I don't mean to be depressing, but really, they are destroyers. They taint and mar and just plain destroy, with no remorse. He would blame me for what happened. Now that I think of it, it was always my fault in some way. He kept moving the target. And the funny thing is, I tried so hard to understand HIM, to be in his shoes, I kept evaluating myself, torturing myself...for what? Did he ever try to understand ME, like in a real way? A way that showed genuine empathy, caring? No. I was always there dealing with the implications of his one-sidedness. While he would tell ME this relationship is so one-sided and unfair. So convoluted, I can't even explain. That's why it makes you feel insane, because you don't know when to stop trying to understand them, and pay attention to your OWN sense of reality, which doesn't go at all with what they're saying. I'm tired of never paying attention to myself, and always trying to understand him in order to stay connected to him, feeling guilty about things, and walking on eggshells. He did't do a 10th of the understanding I tried to do, and tried to make ME feel guilty for what was wrong. There was never any real truth with him. And I think what I'm most tired of is needing to be with him at all costs. Which got me to where I was. And yes, I must take responsibility, yet I can't deny his role in securing this dependency in me. I'm tired of constantly needing to be with him no matter what he did to me. It was a horrible place to be, because it was a place where I, by default, accepted all of his actions, and made them a part of me. And it was so hard to deal with when I took them on, just to stay connected to him.

#13 Mar 2 - 6AM (Reply to #8)

nextphase

Tarnished

How not ironic that the word tarnished struck a chord with me too. N once said to me, when i brought up the subject of him not bringing me to his home, 'i need more time because i can see how my kids may feel, because of how their mother may react, like you have tarnished the house.'

#14 Mar 1 - 12AM (Reply to #2)

nextphase

Sad today too

But also hopeful when i come to this forum because it helps me realize that there are lots of people that do not have NPD, and thats a good and relieving revelation.

#15 Mar 1 - 1AM (Reply to #3)

sweetpeasarah

So sad too

Me too, have just about accepted it would never have worked, and don't miss the daily stress of being with him, but the love i felt with him was very very real on my part. Ive been 'around the block' and no man even CAME CLOSE to making me feel like toad did, our good times were just FANTASTIC, right to the end, didnt outweigh the bad but fantastic all the same, when i was with him nothin g else mattered to me. Alas not the same for him clearly. The sadness of the dream being just that is overwhelming wish we could all have a fast forward button girls! x

#16 Mar 2 - 12AM (Reply to #4)

faith_

I so get what you mean

I so get what you mean sweetpeasarah. There's nothing that I can say that would describe what the 'good times' and the realness and peacefulness I felt with him meant. It's almost an oxymoron, because I was always anxious with him, yet when I say that the good was amazing, it's not cuz we did anything special, just being with him, the connection, the realness I felt in our connection, chemistry,compatibility, was pure joy, excitement. Too bad it wasn't grounded in something stable and non-harmful and destructive. Seriously, I would've done anything to make it work if I could. That's how much it meant to me. I feel so lost because I don't understand why he'd hoover just to hurt me again, and beg, but I guess I just have to ignore that part of me. I get it, the whole psychopath/sociopath/narciccist/pd stuff, I mean that's why I'm here and have read so much before, and watched youtube videos...but when it comes down to the feelings, it's still hard for me to accept that it's all a lie, what he did. It's almost impossible to accept. I get though that it's been impossible to live with him in my life too. No one can sustain that kind of mental/psychological torture for a long period of time and call that life.

#17 Mar 2 - 1AM (Reply to #5)

sweetpeasarah

Faith

That was exactly how it was for me too, we didnt do anything specialtogether either (he was agorphobic along with everything else!) but time spent together was pure bliss, i totally lost myself with him, nothing just nothing, else mattered. I was luckier than most on here, he never put me down, yelled or cussed me (did all the rest tho) and we always laughed together...a lot! No man has made me feel like he did and i doubt they ever will. I understand i cant compare every man with him, but knowing myself and past relationships i know i have not or ever will, feel that sort of connection with anyone again, sad but true. I really dont miss the other crap he sent my way but oh do i miss that special feeling. It is just so so sad. I really do think that the future will be me going it alone, which i think i can deal with and prefer. For me he was the love of my life, and at least i have experienced the feeling however brief. Just a real shame it had to be with a narc. Hugs and strength xx

#18 Mar 2 - 2AM (Reply to #6)

faith_

exactly, it's a shame that it

exactly, it's a shame that it had to be with a narc. I really wanted to marry him, and have the life that I thought our connection was made of. I lost myself in him too, and it's amazing how 'high' I felt when in his presence, and if things weren't bad at the moment. If he wasn't a narc, he's everything that I wanted, in a real life fairy tale way. Just the day to day and everyday being magical because of being with this person and sharing the day to day things that become so unique and special with this person. Oh well. We can't separate the narcness from the person. Then all these different issues come in, about the disorder. It's a shame, I hear you. At least we're not alone, because I relate to a lot of what you said. Thank you.

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