1. Home
  2. Forums
  3. Narcissist Forums
  4. The Path Forward Forum
  5. Possession

Possession

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Oct 5 - 12AM
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

Possession

I am free of him in every way, except in my mind. It's like a demonic Possession. I can go for several hours now, focused on work and interests, but then he pops up as a thought. It's random, unpredictable. I've become calmer when this happens. I can think more rationally about what the thought brings. But, I very much want to purge him completely from my head. It's his version of Squatters Rights, unwanted now, I just want to exorcise the last remnants, the vestiges, out of the dark corners where he lurks.

I am re-oriented to my own reality. It was waiting for me. I'd been hanging out in his reality too long. Between two realities, really. Who he was and who I am. They were in conflict, as if a battle of wills was taking place. I would become mentally exhausted working out these demons - heart v head, reality v fantasy, lies/manipulation v truth/honesty. I have renewed appreciation for my values, what I stand for, what I hold sacred. All those good, honorable concepts that really do have application in day-to-day life. So many had been neglected - honesty, integrity, truth, loyalty, respect, kindness. Little things that add up to big things. The only things, really, that count.

I look at myself and see how I was becoming with him and it doesn't seem real to me anymore. It seems like a dream, like it happened to another girl. It's starting to get fuzzy around the edges. I feel like a trance is ending. I'm waking up again, but this time I'm waking up for good. Shaking off the fogginess and seeing the light. Feeling good about myself in all my imperfections.

It truly was as if I were being possessed.

Oct 5 - 10AM
Crazy Train
Crazy Train's picture

I'm not sure that the

I'm not sure that the Squatters Rights will EVER be over. I guess it depends on how long you hold onto hurt feelings.....which for me, is FOREVER. So I guess I'm doomed. Lol
Oct 5 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Squatters rights indeed!! He

Squatters rights indeed!! He still occupies a tiny space!! I doesn't hurt anymore! Hunter
Oct 5 - 10AM
alicat
alicat's picture

Yes!

He is in my mind all the time! It drives me crazy! I'm still in the beginning stages though. It has been about 2 months. I still cry at times, but I am so tired of thinking about him and he pops up in my dreams. I have been dating a little, but I still feel so lonely and numb! I hope I get through all this. It is like a slow mental torture!!!
Oct 5 - 8AM
Winter
Winter's picture

You just described my own

You just described my own state of mind. How do you know me so well, LOL? “I very much want to purge him completely from my head”. I don’t want him in my life in any shape or form. I don’t want any closure. I don’t want to know more than I know. If I “imagine” that he is happy and in love with someone else it doesn’t hurt anymore. I came to peace with the idea that he never loved me. The only thing which bothers me now is that he is still in my head. It bothers me to the point that I am hurt because of it. I don’t want to live with it till the rest of my life! Ok, I can tolerate to think about him let’s say once in a while, but I don’t want his presence in my mind on a regular basis every time when my mind is not occupied with something else. What can we do about it? Love Winter
Oct 5 - 9AM (Reply to #5)
Dema
Dema's picture

History

I think perhaps purging from your head isn't the answer. From your life, yes. No contact, yes. The thing is that what you found attractive about him was the way he reflected you and your wants. Those were present BEFORE you met him. Had you suppressed them? Are you trying to suppress them again and they just won't go? Did he wake up something that is good and beautiful and inconvenient and painful in association with other things? Are you trying to avoid pleasure in order to avoid pain? Maybe the issue isn't with the narc, but instead with what he saw sleeping in you and woke up. Maybe you need to face that sleeping giant for itself. When a thought of the narc comes, ask yourself, "Why was that effective? Why did that work on me? What was he appealing to?" If you can identify the hunger that he identified, you can likely work through and come out better. This could be an opportunity for "God works all things together for good....." (That doesn't mean best, by the way. It means that God can grow mushrooms in horse manure.)
Oct 5 - 9AM (Reply to #6)
Winter
Winter's picture

Oh Dema! I guess you are so right!

What an interesting perspective, thank you so much. It gives an alternative direction to my thoughts. I really need to prospect it and work on "the hunger that he identified". But then, what if this hunger cannot be satisfied?... Brr, scary... Love Winter
Oct 5 - 7AM
Dema
Dema's picture

Losing Me

I felt like I was losing me, also. I could remember the way I used to be, and I liked her better in many ways. There were other ways where I continued to grow and evolve, but I had this underlying tenseness. I was expecting criticism all over the place. People would call me on the phone and say something benign and I would expect them to be about to criticize me. The odd thing is that I know I didn't use to be that way, but he wasn't hypercritical of me. His rants weren't criticisms of me personally - they were more repeats of "Why did you say that?" several thousand times. (Actually, I think that that might be literal. Different variations of the phrase, just over and over.) Maybe they are possessed and the demon was poking us. Maybe their feelings were rubbing off. I've noticed that this self-critical feeling is already ebbing significantly in a period of weeks. Hadn't actually noticed the change until you said that. But it has changed.
Oct 5 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Pride and Shame
Pride and Shame's picture

That's interesting -

He would repeat "Why did you say that?" several thousand times. So, you explained yourself over and over and over, right? Did you feel like he was not understanding you or did he actually have an alternate viewpoint in mind? Was his questioning of you hiding the fact that he was clueless or was he picking fights so that you would become defensive? Was he making you question yourself? The ultimate in gaslighting?
Oct 5 - 2PM (Reply to #3)
Dema
Dema's picture

Combination

It was along the line of the thing where I would do things for him and he would not reciprocate - pat his hand, give him compliments, be on time. And he would rage and rage that I didn't give him enough- no matter how much I gave, while I would be responding with "But if you would give me 1/10 of what I give you, I would be so happy. Please, give me something." He would want to analyze why I said the thing. But since it was an inocuous thing that just happened to trigger a memory, there was no way for me to know that it was a trigger. So there was nothing to analyze. Sometimes there was, and the analysis was that I was tired and beat up and had said something mean. Like, "Well, that is YOUR problem isn't it." Or maybe I was just thoughtless because, well, people are sometimes. Anyway, none of these things that I did were out of the ordinary - at worst they were normal human frailty that occurs in EVERY marriage. So, I would refuse to analyze the thing. So he would say, "But I don't understand" which was a very effective weapon against me because I am both a mother and an ex-teacher. I would start to explain and then realize I was in the boat. That's what I called it when he roped me in. I had been on the dock saying I wasn't going to get in the boat, and then I found I was in the boat and we had sailed. So, I would get out of the boat. And he would tell people that I refused to talk about our problems. And every time he saw me for days he would try to get me in the boat. And he would email. And he was very good at going peripherally until he hit something to which I would respond. I got better over time. But even though I got a LOT better at not getting in the boat, the rages didn't seem to let up. He was pretty capable of maintaining the wailing and carrying on with long periods of little or no participation from me. He would switch topics, try my buttons..... Pattern was 1-3 weeks of extraordinary measures of trying to make me happy. More on that. Followed by 1-2 weeks of pretty constant raging. Sometimes with a couple of weeks of being virtually ignored in between. Even during the good weeks, he didn't sleep with me except for an occasional night - maybe 6 total the last year. He would disappear for most of the day on Saturday and Sunday and pop home when he felt like it. No communication in the meantime. And other similar behaviors. So, the good weeks weren't all that good. And the bad weeks were horrid. I could never count on him for support. Most of the time, even on rage weeks, he would have a little amnesty in the evening so he could get laid. Why did he do it? I assume for the classic reason of Narcs. It put him in center stage. I let myself have a tantrum once - figured that the way he and his friend had them, they must relieve stress or have some redeeming value. And I really did get into it. (The friend recorded over a clearly marked, irreplaceable video.) I was actually alone when I had my tantrum. I felt tired and stupid afterwards. And was still just as upset about my video. So, I really don't get the concept. I don't think an audience would have done anything except make me feel more stupid and give the audience a weapon against me. Don't get it at all. I tried hard to not reward bad behavior. The best way to do that is NO CONTACT.