please im desperately in need opinions/advice on hN comment

39 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 17 - 6PM

jaycee

please im desperately in need opinions/advice on hN comment

please someone tell me what you think. My hN, who can be a real ball buster and cruel with his joking sometimes, said to me, oh, we are getting married in december in vegas. I said oh really, as soon as ours is over, he started laughing, Im only kidding. so I asked him if he were trying to prepare me for something, by joking to see my reaction, he didnt do the usual swearing on someones life or death, he said i was kidding one thousand percent, just kidding, im never getting married again and you know that. do N's try to prepare their wives for the inevitable, or are they so CRUEL they think they can get a rise and hurt us by joking around about our greatest fears. he knows my greatest fear is him marrying the whore. is it possible he was trying to prepare me, he had a month and a place, im a wreck now, someone please tell me what you think. Im sick inside right now, because you never know, this whore is so controlling and so demanding, she might be pushing him to marry her and who knows, maybe he will, although he has always professed he would never get married again, each and everytime he had an affair. please help me, please tell me if he was just being cruel or preparing me............please

#2 Aug 18 - 2PM

jen79

jaycee No one changes through "love"

But through struggle and pain. It is painfull to get out of your comfort zone and to change old habits. And especially Ns don't change, this is not cureable. Look at yourself and the other women here, who are trying to make a life different. It is painfull in the beginning and I wouldn't have learned anything, if my life wouldn't have fall apart. Here are the reasons why he might wake up on day: He has an terrible accident and gets paralyzed. His c**k gets cut off. Some cicumstance exposes his evilness to the whole world. He gets financial ruined and no one wants to help him and he ends up on street. He suddenly becomes totally utterly ugly and no women on earth wants to be with him any more. He gets old and two seconds before he dies he questions his life. But then it's too late. Listen: No one changes through positive things in a long run. Only very very painful circumstances will make reach out for an alternitive way of living. As long as everything works for him, nothing is going to change, believe me. Edit: So even if he would marry her, he will stay the sadistic jerk he is. HE is the WHORE, not she. She is just another prey, he will hurt her as he did with you. She is in the same boat with you.

#3 Aug 18 - 9PM (Reply to #38)

jaycee

jaycee no one changes

Jen, I agree those would be the only way in which an N would change, I do disagree when you say she is not a whore. yes, she is very much a whore, a whore who slept with my husband, knowingly, tortured me in various ways, called my house, followed me into stores, put things in my mailbox, continued to text my husband on the phone she knew i had in my possession telling him how amazing their sex was and how she wanted more and could careless if i were reading it, and how she wanted him and would make sure if he didnt leave me, shed push me to throw him out. she chased and chased, and yes, he is just as much a whore, but this bitch is a real whore, she didnt care about our children, she only cared how she could get him away from his family to me, that is a whore..........sorry, i disagree, and trust me, if she never bothered me, and didnt fight so hard to destroy what was left of my family i would feel sorry for her, but i dont, know she walks around telling people she saved him from his miserable life with his crazy wife and she is the one for him.......little does she know he cheats on her left and right and calls and texts me everyday and comes by everyday telling me how miserable he is and how he cant believe i threw him out and how he doesnt love her, yes he is a whore big time, but so is she..........

Jaycee

#4 Aug 18 - 2PM (Reply to #37)

Used

jen79

you are so right, ive changed but mine has been thru pain and suffering, and rightly or wrongly that becomes character building, even my nmum, used to say i had character, because in getting thru the pain, i asked my self if i could have done diffrently, and the answer was yes i could have, so i know do it, it doesnt always work, i get days when i think i dont want to be accountable today, but these become blips, ive done things in my life ime not proud of, but, i have also learned they bought me no peace of mind, so why do them, the narcs will never change, simply b/c they dont believe they need to, as long as there are people out there who will do there bidding, they dont even have to get there hands dirty. useless human beigns.

#5 Aug 18 - 12PM

helldweller

marrying the whore

Honey, mine used to do that: imbed the truth in a joke before he dropped the bomb. He joked cruelly to me all the time, too, and he told me he was getting a four year old foster child a week before it happened. I laughed and blew it off as a joke. He didn't tell me again until two days before. What freak does stuff like these guys do? I would not be a bit suprised if he marries this skank. Steel thyself for anything. They come up with crap you couldn't make up in a million years. He has told me many times since that he was going to get more foster children (twins, honey, two girls) and that he was going to move into a condo downtown "because there's two much room in my big house for just my son and me." These were all jokes, but he also said, "I should just have my babysitter move in next door" as a joke, and a week later she did. And: "I'm going to move into the new house while you are at work so you don't yell at me"--which he also did. A normal person does not torture the woman he "loves" this way. A normal person wants to instill trust and security.

#6 Aug 17 - 10PM

TraumaMama

Help

Jaycee, I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Your exNH sounds like mine. Please be careful. You cannot in any way trust or believe a single word a narcissist has to say to you. Based on my experience, narcissists are sadistic and enjoy flaunting other women to mentally torture their victims. Please do everything in your power to protect yourself from further anguish. This means going NC. My situation was similar. Mine did not marry the OW but dumped her and wanted me back. I went NC. Be prepared for this loss of control over you to drive him crazy. Mine went beserk and harassed me through the courts and through our kids. Ignore him. Do not answer the phone. Do not text. Do not email. Send (cc) all emails related to any mutual children to a 3rd party. Protect yourself. These men do not have a conscience. He is not preparing you because, I am sad to say, he is a narcissist and does not have the capability to empathize or care about your feelings at all. I wasted a precious year after we separated on praying and waiting for my exNH to repent and realize what he was losing in our cute little family. It was a total waste of time. He was abusive and chronically unfaithful and had zero remorse or concern for my pain. I should have been praying for personal strength instead. I should have been saving money. Mine lied about everything and dumped as much money as quickly as he could into secret offshore accounts so I didn't get it in the divorce. Now is the time to be smart. These guys will cheat, lie, steal, marry, alienate your friends and family from you,destroy your good name, etc. to get what they want for themselves. He is absolutely being cruel. Being unfaithful and then flaunting it in your face (yet again) is the worst kind of emotional abuse there is. I am sorry. Please stop any kind of contact with him. I know it is hard to do but your kids need you to protect yourself. You can do this. Even if it means taking a calendar and marking off every day that you make it through ok. Just take it hour by hour if you need to.

#7 Aug 17 - 10PM

Chloe

Does it really matter?

Whether he is doing this to get your goat and get a rise out of you, which IS the trait of a narcissist, or he is testing the waters, both are very unhealthy. My ex-husband loved to get a rise out of me---constantly! He always said that if anything ever happened in our marriage, he would NEVER get married again, and during the divorce, his lawyer fixed him up with her friend, and WA---LA! He was married in no time, never telling our sons until the week of the wedding. Suddenly, he morphed into her life with her kids, just like a chamelian.

#8 Aug 17 - 10PM

sparky2009

Why would he marry her?

Why would he marry her? She's already taking care of him without the marriage. I think once these guys realize they can have everything without the legal junk they stay away from marriage makes it too hard to leave quickly.

#9 Aug 18 - 6AM (Reply to #24)

Used

marry?

i agree with sparky2009, why marry when you have it all, you must call his bluff, by saying to him, good luck, i hope you will be very happy, he wont like that, 1 he doesnt like biegn told what to do, and 2, the thought that you dont care will make him think, cos regardless of what you say he will do what he wants, so its best to pretend you dont give a shit, he will soon stop with this crap, and go on to something else.

#10 Aug 18 - 7AM (Reply to #25)

jaycee

marry

used, you are most likely right, he hates to be told what to do. and if i ever said good luck, hope you will be happy, he wouldnt know what to do with himself. maybe if he didnt know how i obsess about him being with her, he probably would have dumped her by now. but who knows, i just pray he doesnt marry her, and moves on quickly, so maybe if i do the nc and pretend i dont care, he will flip and fly her coop. we can only pray.

Jaycee

#11 Aug 18 - 7AM (Reply to #26)

Used

jaycee

when i got rid of my exh[divorced him ,not killed him]lol. and then and only then could i start to see the bigger picture, and tho i didnt want him anymore, so i wasent that bothyered what he said, i started to get the picture, he said one day, one of my freinds from years ago had recently come on to him, i said your single now get in there, he shouted i wouldnt want that dog and off he went, another time on his birthday, he said name was taking him to london for the day, to see the sights, a club, then might stay in a hotel for the night with her, i gave him some money and said in case you havent got enough for hotel for you and name, the look he gave me was pure hatred. and the truth of the story, there was 10 other people going for this day out includind names boyfriend, he said after the fucking sights were boring, the club was noisy, he went home early, they are so full of bs they dont know what to say next, even when i told him[friendly] i was divorcing him, i said you can get married again now, he said i dont want to get f..king married.which doesnt say much for the woman he was with at the time and still is probley. a little tip, dont worry about the woman they mention, its the woman they dont mention thats the give away, after all for the last 14 years, he has mentioned, a thousand woman, except the one he is with, ive only found out about her this year, so let yours mention his bird, it means, she means absolutly nothing to him, if you think he hasent got another one in the frame, he has. exn called his woman a conveinence, till something better came along, thats how they all think.

#12 Aug 18 - 8AM (Reply to #27)

jaycee

used, thank you for telling me that, i know he has others, but she is the one that is his homebase right now and they have so much in common, they are both cheaters to begin with, they both love themselves, they both go to the gym together to the beach together and out to dinner and shopping together. i highly doubt he will marry her, but i think he will stay with her for a long time. i believe he sees the difference in the two of us, i was kind and sweet and did everything for him, gave him so much freedom to come and go as long as he was happy, enjoyed when he went golfing and out with friends, etc. she is controlling and demanding and wants him by her side at all times. but maybe since we had nothing in common and they do, that is why he wants her so bad. who knows, but i hope youre right, because he never mentions the one he sleeps with from work, ever, he actually denied her, by not saying a word when i said i knew, he looked at me dumb founded and changed the subject. he will never mention her for some reason and hes been seeing her for a long time. i hope you are right and this whore he lives with is just that, a convenience, as she pays for everything and buys him and buys him, even buys his illegal steroids to prove to him i was queer because i didnt allow them.

Jaycee

#13 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #32)

ShaynasMommy

jaycee,

"i hope you are right and this whore he lives with is just that, a convenience, as she pays for everything and buys him and buys him, even buys his illegal steroids to prove to him i was queer because i didnt allow them." And I already know the answer to this becasue I was there once, but why would you be jealous of a relatoinship like that? You already know why he is with her, obviously. Trust me honey, "relationships" like that one don't last forever. They are so shallow that as soon as someone gets dathly ill or has some other crisis, like the $$$ drying up, then the other one is out the door. Having common interests don't keep a relatonship together, although it helps in real ones. It takes respect. Respect is not in an N's vocabulary, not even self respect. When my exN left me for the OW, I was left asking why???? all the time, she wasnt prettier or smarter than me. She definitely wasn't as ethical or trustworthy as me, either, as she knew the N and I were scheduled to be married 6 weeks from then and already he was cheatin'. What made the difference is that she had revealed to him that she had a family inheretance coming to her, and that was enough for him to dump me, my family, our wedding, future and 7 year history right down the toilet. In the end, she only got about $10,000, blew it all on "stuff" and he didn't see a damn dime of it before she abruptly left him to go back to her husband. So there you go. Don;t worry, this OW's well is gonna run dry too, married or not.

#14 Aug 18 - 9AM (Reply to #29)

Used

anotherthing

when i found out exh had an ow, i did say to the teller, i had him at 17[he was 17] i have kids with him and grandkids, i was married to him for 31years, known him over fourty, how can anyone compete with that history, and i have no problem with someone getting my unwanted leftovers. no problem at all. all thru his relationship with her he still came here, took me shopping, took me for meals, not only bought me birthday and xmas cards, but annivesary cards for what would have been our anniversary every year, valentine card and gifts, we even still went on holidays together a couple of times. would anyone want this man only someone desparate and prepared to put up with this, even if she didnt know it was me where did she think he was in those times. mindblowing.

#15 Aug 18 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

jaycee

anotherthing

used, mine does the same thing the cards the this the that but only sneaks here when shes at work or not home or when she thinks hes on his way to work or coming to pick up our daughter. she has no idea and thinks she is his the one......she probably wont know for years to come, and hes pulling away now, because things with her must be going good, he does the push pull so now is my time to go nc and tell him this is what you wanted you can have her im done, dont bother me live your life with your whore and leave me to myself, i will be fine, even though you know i will be dying inside dying more than you know today i wished i were dead he was so cruel, he screams when hes frustrated, well no one asked you to come here, but he says its like i make him text and call and say the i love yous, no, its him that does it. hes twisted and im going nc because im done. stick me with a fork, im done.

Jaycee

#16 Aug 18 - 11AM (Reply to #31)

Used

jaycee

go nc by all means, but please dont say those things to him, he will get such an ego boost, i know how hurt you are, and how sweet, but you have to fight dirty with these skanks, i said to n, when i called it a day, its not fair on your girlfriend[like i care about her]and he says, ime not with her anymore, and i said oh so now she is out of the picture you want to be with me, and he goes, well no i see her sometimes but only as a friend, so i said then you have made your choice, it became almost amusing, he didnt know what to say for the best, unfortunatly he got in such a state, he said i have never bought her a thing[i well believe it] and he had bought me something that day, and said now you can tell her i have bought you something else, so i said so you want me to give messages to someone you told not to talk to me, how is this possible, in other words i made him as mental as he made me. i wish you could do it in a way you have not done before, and just say, maybe casuel, please stop letting him know how much he has hurt you, you are so feeding his ego. feed your own, say to him i wish you would leave me alone. have you written your story, i looked for it. please have a think before you say anything to him.

#17 Aug 18 - 9AM (Reply to #28)

Used

jaycee

i didnt relize he had someone he was seeing, and the reason for his denial, well going by exns, when i confronted him about his ow coming up to me, was first denial and then why should i have to tell you, then all her faults, but i said to him, you knew you would lose me, well you have anyway for lying, then this is what he said, [its a bit graphic], about her ,anyone can go up that c,,,, and they have. you see the fact that she told me[n,s like anything illict, makes them feel like men of mystery] haha. so i then knew, it was no longer good for him, he liked the fact when we were chilling together, he would smirk, cos he felt he had oneupmanship. that backfired when she told me. it wasent his little secret anymore. how boring for him. as for you, i would let the woman he lives with know how much you see him, you see they always bank on the women not comparing notes, cos they are so sure the woman wouldnt risk losing him[no chance they dont give anyone up], he kept saying to me i didnt think she would speak to you in a million years. well she did.and told me all aqbout their deep and meaningfull relationship[pleas pass me the sick bag.oh that is now a friendship cos her family dont like his history with woman. yes she certainly covered his back [NOT] poor narc"

#18 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #22)

hopefuljms

Who knows. Mine got married

Who knows. Mine got married on Sunday to the OW who is 17 years younger than he is. You really can't use rational thought with these guys. They have a personality disorder and it can't be understood or fixed. Therapy has helped me tremendously!

#19 Aug 17 - 10PM (Reply to #23)

Chloe

Couldn't have done it successfully without therapy

Thank God for therapy, it really works!!!

#20 Aug 17 - 8PM

hopefuljms

I have a question for you..

I have a question for you.. Why would you want to be with someone that is cheating on you with someone else? Who knows what diseases he might be exposing you to. Also, it sounds to me as if he is completely cruel and vicious. Again, why would you want to be with someone like that? If you aren't in therapy I would highly recommend that you look into it. You need to build your self confidence. Also, if you haven't done so already I would strongly suggest putting aside money in the event he does leave. With N's you can't trust a word they say. They will tell you one thing and behave differently. None of us can tell you what his intentions are. What you need to do is not care. Build up your emotional strength so that YOU can make the decision whether to stay in this relationship or leave. You have to stop allowing him to make all of the decisions. You like the rest of us are too good to allow a man to control your future. Your future is in your hands! J

#21 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #14)

jaycee

i have a question for you

hope, i threw him out four months ago over this latest affair, this one was one of his long standing mistresses, and she pushed and pushed and tortured me until i threw him out, she knew he would never leave. now he lives with her and continually comes here calls texts telling me all the things they all say, to keep their supply, i love you, miss you regret this girl, miserable with her, wish you didnt throw me out. he knows i dont want him back, yet he knows my greatest fear is him marrying her, as she won........and she will taunt that in my face even more if he does marry her. so my question is, do N's say things to be cruel, or are they capable of preparing the wife for what they intend on doing. please read my post again and tell me what you think.

Jaycee

#22 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

ShaynasMommy

Here is what I think....

It hurts to hear this, because I know you still have hope that this N still has some heart for you, but.... 1. he is telling you this to hurt you, not prepare you. They don't feel empathy. 2. he is telling you this to manipulate you, knowing how much you fear this. He is hoping that you will start to panic, change your mind, and take him back. 3. The only reason he would marry this ho is that he realizes he has to plan out his strategy. If you don't take him back, he might have to marry her in order to "secure" his current supply. And then he will still persue you as well as others. There ALWAYS has to be backup supply. Don't put anything past an N. All they learn as life goes on for them is how to play the game better. In his mind, you should be flattered to be able to turn the tides on her and be the mistress. SICK F**K!

#23 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

hopefuljms

Honestly, as tough as this

Honestly, as tough as this is to say, I think he is probably preparing you. If it isn't this girl it will be another. What you have to realize is that if he marries her she doesn't win. She will eventually be in the place you are in now. He will do the same thing to her as he did to you. Once a cheater always a cheater. You need to go No Contact if possible. I did it with my N ex boyfriend about 3 months ago when I found out he cheated on me with a girl 17 years younger than he is and lied to me for 3 years. They are pathetic excuses for humans. They don't care about anyone but themselves. You deserve so much better. You need to heal and then find yourself someone that sees you for the special person that you are! J

#24 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #16)

jaycee

honestly

hope, that crushed me, i always believed the one and only thing he ever said is he will never get married again. weve had so many ups and downs and so many affairs ive dealt with, and know every word out of his mouth is a lie, yet, that was the one thing i never doubted, he even told his mother, all i know is mom, i will never get married again, ever. but maybe he loves this one, and as much as he tries to keep his foot in our door, maybe he does intend on marrying her. i wouldnt care if it were another, but not this girl oh God please. now that he is in his mid forties, if he marries her, he will have no choice but to change and he will be with her forever. so she will win. oh thats the one thing i could never handle him marrying her......not her God please not her.

Jaycee

#25 Aug 18 - 2PM (Reply to #19)

ShaynasMommy

jaycee,

no,no,no,no. Please don't do this to yourself, sweetie. You are doing what we all have done at some point and let your imagination run wild. He's been telling you all kinds of garbage like this so you will torture yourself without his help. Please stop. You deserve more peace of mind than that. You said he is in his 40's and if he marries her he will be forced to change. First off, nobody forces a Narc to do anything, and secondly, have you heard of people who have been married and divorced 3,4,5 + times? And maybe thery arent Narcs, but they def do not learn anything from the previous time and end up with the same result. That is the definition of insaity BTW. We all know N's are loop jobs anyways. They don;t see the need to change. An N having a successful marriage, odds are O% to nill. Please change the destructive thinking. I know its hard but you can do it. Everyone here is there for you.

#26 Aug 18 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

Used

jaycee

my exh was 52 when he got with his woman, and he hasent changed one iota, if anything he has got worse, there is no woman they are going to change for b/c they cant and wont,if you always got you wanted without changing, why would you change, every one of them i know, has not changed regardless of the circumstances, i know this woman has so got to you, but he will not change for anyone or anything, exn, was offered chance to lets say, mend his ways with plenty of guidence and help[before i knew him, a lot of people went to a lot of trouble for him, he lasted 2 months[i cant write what it was but it was a good chance to redeem himself, he repaid there kindness by having sex with not only there 2 wives. seperatly i mean and then the daughter. these people had been realy good to him, when he told me this story, he then said, i changed for a little while, then it got too much, he later said i didnt change at all i wanted the do gooders wives. to say they are scum is an underststatement.anyway why would he have to change with her they sound a pair of skanks together. you must get out of thinking like this, its like telling a child if you are good today you can have a gift later, he will be good till he gets the gift, then will go back to biegn who he is. they truly are what they are, if he is living with her and still having sex with other woman and gets away with it why oh why would he change.

#27 Aug 17 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

hopefuljms

Sweetie, I promise you it

Sweetie, I promise you it won't matter if he is in his forties or older, these guys don't change. He is incapable of changing and won't change with this girl either. I promise you he will do to her what he did to you. He might have cheated on her already and in actuality he is every time he contacts you and tries to get in your good graces. Please don't give him this power over you. You deserve so much more. This guy is a total loser. Are you seeing a therapist? I am worried about you. You can't let this guy destroy your life!

#28 Aug 17 - 8PM

Susan32

Preparing for the worst

My ex-Psych professor started our "relationship" with these red flags- "I'm going to let you down" "I've hurt a lot of people" "People think I'm mean" "I'm going to cut you loose" He already had a foot out the door and we had BARELY BEGUN! This was my freshman year... before the D&D of senior year. He had the end prepared for. I'd say it's more of a psychopathic trait than a narcissistic one, since the malevolence of Narcs is more unintentional. They hurt people&don't notice. Psychopaths hurt people purposefully.

#29 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #8)

jaycee

preparing for the worse

susan are you saying you think he is preparing me for his intentions of marrying this whore. or are you saying hes a cruel psychopath. Im getting a mixed message here. please explain, do you think he is preparing me, or being a cruel psychopath who intentionally wanted to hurt me, because he know that is my fear. please your opinion..........

Jaycee

#30 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #9)

Susan32

From my experience

I'm sorry I came across with a mixed message. He KNOWS he's hurting you by telling you of his plans to marry his slut. From my experience, not only is he "preparing for the worst"--but he's doing it purposefully. He knows it hurts you, and does it anyway. A normal man who was contemplating marriage&talking it over with an ex wouldn't handle it the way he is.

#31 Aug 17 - 8PM (Reply to #10)

jaycee

from my experience

I was hoping he was just being cruel to hurt me, as he continually says he has no intention of ever getting married again, he didnt swear on lives or deaths, just said i was only joking, are you kidding me, one thousand percent kidding, i knew that would get you. but from what you are saying he is being cruel but preparing me for his intention of getting married to her. am i correct as i am devastated right now. remember he knows that is my greatest fear and concern right now

Jaycee

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