Please Help... Need advice!

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#1 Aug 6 - 8PM
apple's picture

Please Help... Need advice!

If anyone has read my story... My N will not spend time with me. I have seen him only once in the last fifteen months now. We only live three hours apart. He texts me everyday now that we have reconciled but is now falling back into his old patterns of only wanting to talk about sex. Everytime he brings it up I try to change the subject by asking him how he is doing. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore and I told him how I felt. This is how the conversation went (sorry so graphic)...

Him: How's my pussy?

Me: I miss you. How are you?

Him: I'm horny for you.

Me: When do I get to see you?

Him: Soon. Are you horny for me?

Me: Yeah. How soon is soon?

Him: As soon as I can. I'm trying. Don't start getting pushy.

Me: Asking to see you is being pushy?

Him: Your attitude

Me: What did I say that was wrong?

Him: If your gonna be like this, I'm not gonna see you ever again.

Me: Be like what? Asking to see you?

Him: You're starting shit. You are being pissy. You can't even be sweet to me.

Me: I just asked when i get to see you. That's all. That's being sweet. I'm so confused at how your reading this the wrong way.

Him: cuz that's not how you said it.

Me: What? Its a text message! How do you know my tone? geez.

(now I get upset)

Me: And if I'm not even "allowed" to ask you when I get to see you and that's too pushy for you then I just shouldnt be dirty talking you. And we both know that you have never tried to spend time with me. Please stop insulting my intelligence. I can't think of one nice thing that you have ever done for me even. All I am is sex texting to you. You don't want me, you don't love me and you treat me like shit.

Him: If that's what you think, then don't talk to me anymore. If you really feel that way, there's nothing stopping you from fucking other guys.

No response from me because I have no idea what to say.

Okay, so I know that I kind of went off and normally I would never do that because he would freak out and rage at me. I have no idea why he didn't do it this time (except I did just tell him I was diagnosed with PTSD and asked him to stop calling me names). Now I'm feeling guilty. But how long am I supposed to wait for him before he starts spending time with me? He has days off but just doesn't tell me about them. And what does he mean by me being with other men? I don't want anyone else. Its a non issue.

Does anyone have any advice for me. Maybe I am even the problem?? Thanks for your support!!!

Jan 22 - 6PM
Scotchy71's picture


You didn't just agree to his demands - in other words, you didn't feed him the way he expected you placed a demand (in his mind) and it's not about what you want, it's all about what he wants and needs....they twist everything around to make it your fault and he isn't normal, therefore won't respond normally to a very normal question from you. He wants you to run after him and beg for his company, the minute you don't do that, he doesn't want to play anymore, he's messing with your mind to keep you in a constant state of confusion and to question yourself....he's disgusting and won't treat you with respect EVER..none of them do, it's all a game and we're there to be used...harsh, but true..xx
Jan 22 - 6PM (Reply to #45)
apple's picture

You are dead on girlfriend!!

Scotchy, you are exactly right. I am NC for good now but just need to re-read these old posts for strength once in a while!! I can't let myself forget this BS!!! You give excellent advice though
Jan 23 - 12AM (Reply to #46)
Scotchy71's picture

Glad I can help

They thrive on making us crazy doubting ourselves to the point of begging them to tell us how to do it's insane, there's nothing wrong with us and they do know this (why they chose us in the beginning)....think about it, if we were crazy, psycho's like they call us in the end, they wouldn't have needed our supply right? The answers never come from them...really, who'd want them anyway? Who wants a disordered apology from them? It's not sincere, they don't mean it anyway. Mind did apologise to me after telling me it was all my fault of course - it holds no merit...look at it this way, if everything else they say is a lie (and we know this to be true), then why would an apology suddenly be the only sincere thing they ever say? Mine simply lied about being sorry - we eventually realise closure comes from us, can't get closure from an infantile man/child...xx
Jan 22 - 11AM
apple's picture

omg you guys!!!

Seriously this is the most awesome therapy!!! I was feeling sad about NC this morning so decided to look up old posts. I can't believe I put up with this shi* for so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aug 13 - 2AM
apple's picture

You are all my saving grace!!

Thank you so much for your comments!! I needed to hear this so badly today. I have been so sad and confused wondering WHY he just doesn't see how he treats me??? How he ALWAYS finds a way to turn things around on me and makes it my fault when I was only trying to take a stand for myself. And for him to tell me he was deleting my number when HE is the one treating me this way!! I am just so very tired of this PAIN. I am going NC but how much longer will my heart hurt like this? You are all blessings to me and I am taking everything you say to heart as it helps me see things soooo much clearer. Thank you for taking the time to help me!!! I hope you are all staying strong. xxA
Aug 13 - 9AM (Reply to #42)
naivenomore's picture

This is what bullies do!

"How he ALWAYS finds a way to turn things around on me and makes it my fault when I was only trying to take a stand for myself." I patiently tried to understand throughout 3 years and when I finally spoke up, not even harshly, just expressing my disappointment in his cancelling plans we had, he went beserk! Looking back I now know that I knew during the relationship not to speak up, for fear of losing him - what a pill! I remember being flabergasted by the end of the heated discussion (?) at how his cancelling our plans had become MY FAULT! Very, very sick man, indeed! I teach elementary school and we always tell the students a bully can only bother you if you put up with it. If you stand up for yourself, they'll leave you alone. I'm starting to take my own advice! xo
Aug 11 - 12PM
ewa's picture

I am 100% sure you are not a

I am 100% sure you are not a problem. The normal caring guy would have answer your question. "How is my pussy" - i would not let the guy to speak to me like this , but it is not a point. The point is that he sees you as a pussy only what is confirmed in the rest of this conversation. You are asking very logical questions and he answers the way which is making you to feel guilty. And thank you for this post, you were asking for help but it also worked opposite way, you have helped me. This is exactly what my ex was doing. Yours said "If your gonna be like this, I'm not gonna see you ever again" mine used to say "If your gonna be like this, I'm not gonna talk to you" or "If you gonna mention this girls (he cheated me with) am not going to talk to you" PUT yourself together and please run away from him, he is nothing good, he has no respect for you. And yes you are right he treats you like "shit". There is so many better guys out there. Start to fight for your life as soon as possible as it takes a lot of time to feel good again after such a relationship. And from my personal experience is very hard to date other "normal" guys after sth like this.
Aug 10 - 3PM
Steph's picture

You didn't go "off" on him

You didn't go "off" on him at all! No need for you to feel guilty whatsoever. What you wrote to him in your text sums it all up. He does not want you (or anyone). He is using you (as he does everyone) and He treats you like shit (again, as he does with everyone). You are not the problem. He is a manipulative user. Do not feel guilty for standing up for yourself. Please, don't respond further to him. Go no contact and let the healing begin:) xoxo
Aug 10 - 2PM
herlatestvictim's picture

Brace yourself for what I am about to say...

I say this with compassion, empathy, experience and kindness: He is a mentally ill person. He is not capable of loving you or anyone else. You are dealing with a monster, a shell of a human being and a fantasy. He is not real. What you have is not real. It never was what you thought it was. He does not want sex, a relationship, not even a friendship. He DOES want power and control over women. Any woman. Not just you. He will never change, THEY can't. There is NO CURE for NPD and most never get better. I'm sorry sweetie. You bought a ticket for a roller coaster that I like to call MINDF*CK. The sooner you get off, the better. I know, I rode that ride for too long myself. Best wishes and I'm sorry if my post sounds harsh. I'm just FURIOUS that these animals treat people like this. YOU DESERVE SOMEONE REAL AND TRUE.
Aug 10 - 2PM
jen79's picture


I am so sorry, I know what you are going through. But you should not wait a second longer. Not one. He is reducing you to a cyber booty call, this is a form of narcissistic rage and already a form of D&D. Everything on his terms. He is completely ignoring you and your feelings. He doesn't shw the slightest interest to respect you, and he is crossing your boundaries. Even if you are not aware of them. Hun run like your hair is on fire. All you have is an emotional addiction to him. And you are trying to stem the rejection and seeking validation from someone who is devaluing you. Don't let that happen to you. I was stuck for one year in this kind of BS. Stop it. NOW. Go NC, change your number, block him from your emails. It won't get better, believe me. It will only get worse.
Aug 10 - 1PM
rainbow1's picture

Isnt it gross?

Mine text me yesterday that for his birthday that is coming up he wants a present. I asked what kind of present he was thinking and he said "your pussy around my dick". I kind of changed the subject and he knows that I am leaving the country in a few weeks and he text me back "Im gonna smack the shit out of you before you leave". (he meant it in a sexual way). Nice arent they? They just have a way of making you feel like the most special girl ever! haha _______________________________________________ "dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

"dont let yesterday take up too much of today"

Aug 10 - 1PM (Reply to #36)
jen79's picture


we must have dated the same guy..uh I ment utter pig!
Aug 7 - 10AM
apple's picture

First thing this morning...

(I had not responded to him since that last text from above as going NC) He texted again... Him: I was gonna call in sick tonight to see you. But I won't since your so bitchy. Now I'm just gonna delete your number and be done with this crap. Guess I just got the D&D. Like I really believe he was gonna call in sick all of a sudden and spend time with me. Another manipulation. I have heard him tell me he is gonna delete my number before too. But he hasn't. Once he needs me to get him off in the morning thru text message he will have a big suprise when his text is sent back because he is blocked from my phone. I can't wait. He is def crazy and I just can't deal with this pain anymore. Sigh. Thanks for all your support and for helping me see the light!! I love you guys!!!
Aug 10 - 1PM (Reply to #34)
Briseis's picture

Oh my god :(

I know it's so hard to see while you are still in the relationship. I couldn't see it myself, while I was still in. He obviously sees you as just a warm place to put it. It is so disgusting and so demeaning (to you) that I want to throw up for you :( If you could only SEE what he really thinks of you, you would throw up too.
Aug 7 - 11AM (Reply to #32)
MovinOnUp's picture


Him: "I was going to call in sick tonight to see you." Oh these guys are so damn predictable when they sense that wall going up. Wrote you a longwinded post last night but managed to lose it somehow. So glad to see that you are back on track and see him for the SF that he is. He's the crazy one in this mix, not you. I'll be praying that you can kick this guy to the curb once and for all. You deserve so much better.
Aug 7 - 12PM (Reply to #33)
apple's picture

Thanks Movinonup!!!

Yes, I need all the prayers I can get right now. NC from here on out. Pickens just ain't that slim... lol!! None of us deserve to be treated this way!! I hope you are doing well yourself. I am attached to this site every minute trying to vent and read as many stories as possible. Thank You!!
Aug 7 - 11AM (Reply to #31)
apple's picture

Can't block phone #'s from a blackberry.

I just called my phone company and I basically have to change my phone number. What happened to the good old days when you could just do it from your phone yourself? So Annoyed!!!
Aug 7 - 11AM (Reply to #30)
betty2020's picture

can you block his text? only

can you block his text? only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Aug 7 - 8AM
helldweller's picture


sorry duplicate post
Aug 7 - 8AM
helldweller's picture


Some of the n's connected to those on this board do seem like they are huge screw ups or particularly arrogant or whatever, but this guy of yours is a penis. Mine would ask for the dirty texts to get himself excited if he was planning on coming over that night, but yours doesn't even want sex. You haven't seen him in fifteen months! Does he tell you that the texts make you feel close to him because you can't be together? Something else? Because I can't understand why he would do this. Does he need them to whack off? Does he have another woman?
Aug 7 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
apple's picture

That's right!!

He doesn't really want sex!!! I really don't think that he has another woman but I do know that he is capable of anything. As he is a liar. This is what I think... he has such violent fantasies about raping and dominating me that he would much rather just get that stuff thru text message than actually see me or do it. He is a nurse and an EMT. I wonder if perhaps he has seen such awful things that he suffers from PTSD himself? Trust me though, I have been plenty sore and rather beat up for a day or two after sex with him but he never would go thru with the attacking rape part. He just wanted to talk about it. I can't even believe I am talking about this and I actually agreed to this stuff to make him happy. UGH!!
Aug 11 - 1PM (Reply to #26)
better off
better off's picture

PTSD doesn't make people

PTSD doesn't make people into rapists. OMG, slim, please please please get it into your head that none of this is NORMAL from a man. Men aren't generally obsessed with raping women. The fact that he even admits it and wants to fantasize about it with you shows some pretty serious mental disturbance. You feel beat up after sex? Please consider talking to a DV counselor about some of these things. You must take care of yourself. I feel like you are a sheep among wolves after reading this story. Even if you get far away from this "man" you have suffered a lot of damage from him, and are vulnerable to OTHER animals like him.
Aug 13 - 2AM (Reply to #27)
apple's picture

better off~

Wow, you are so right!! I can't believe I was actually using that as an excuse for his sadistic ways. Thanks for the wake up call!!! Rape IS the ultimate humiliation. I should have ran the very first time I ever heard him say those words. Just goes to show how they can slowly beat you down until you have no voice left to even speak up against something so awful. Thanks for helping me see that I am still making excuses for him. =) xxA
Aug 7 - 8AM
helldweller's picture


Honey, I hear you. Mine is the same way. That exchange could have been ours, verbatim. Except that he would say, "How's my little whore?" instead of "How's my pussy?" Nice. The way he refused to answer you when you asked when you would see him and then blamed you for it was textbook. Mine does it all the time too. Every single time. We would break up and I wouldn't see him and then he would say, can't I come over and talk? and then when I would say, ok, so can we talk now? He would roll his eyes and say, "Oh, honey. What now?" as if nothing had happened and I was just causing trouble, when in reality we were broken up and I had given him a chance to make up. Don't we always expect them to come crawling back, apologizing? Why would we think that would happen? Because we are human. They are not. They have no conception of anything that is expected or unacceptable or that anything has to be reconciled. Except for us to kiss their asses (in my case, literally LOL)
Aug 7 - 6AM
Used's picture


please dont answer his texts, exnf, told me once he has sex with a woman ,he own,s her, and its his right to go backwards and forward with her, after all he said ive been there now, so why are they trying tobe coynow and if he fought with them, he woculd say to them you werent complaining when you ??????????? ,sorry cant write it, you probley get what i am trying to say. what was i doing in this friendship, it will haunt me always.
Aug 7 - 4AM
imabloke's picture

At least i didn't have any of this crap

My god what is this person! You can't say this a person.. reading this stuff is just something else! To treat someone like this makes me feel sick. My experience was far, far more subtle which i am finding even more dangerous because i'm having doubts whether she is NPD. It's all this push/pull crap. That i did have, and lots of it! in the end. Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't. I mean it's not rocket science is it. But to play with you like a cat with a mouse is just the pits. Don't waste anymore of your energy on this jerk. Stay away from him better still RUN! And NO your NOT the problem HE is! and this is coming from a bloke!
Aug 7 - 9AM (Reply to #20)
wholeagain's picture

Okay ladies

Those of you who are wondering if there are any good men, read imabloke's post here!
Aug 10 - 2PM (Reply to #21)
ShaynasMommy's picture

No Kidding!

Imabloke, youre one of the blokes that actually "get it" out there. If only I were single again....JK LOL! I don't think my hubby would appreciate me for that, kidding or not! LOL
Aug 7 - 2AM
girlfriday's picture

must chime in...

Hi Slim, Betty2020 is right...the abnormal becomes so normal. We become numb to how wrong everything actually is. I have to share this... My exN used to sext me all the time. Every text had some allusion to sex. But when we would talk, he was not that way. It was confusing. Anyway, I am currently being pursued by a "normal." And by "normal," I do not mean "boring." I mean non-pathological. He texts me regularly. Since our first date a week ago, every day his texts ask me "How are you today?" and "How is your day is going?" This has put things into perspective for me. The ex NEVER once did that. Even after my two-day road trip/move back to my home state, his first text was "what are you wearing?" Blech. I know where you are at. It's very bizarre not to be able to think of one redeeming quality in someone, they hurt you repeatedly with impunity, yet we love them. It does not make sense. I believe that getting away will give you perspective. Delete him from your life as soon as you can. He is a sadist.
Aug 7 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
helldweller's picture


Yes, mine was the same way. The texts were all sex, but one time I texted him that I was going to call him and talk dirty and he said, "Please don't." He could not speak to me or have me speak to him that way. It had to be via text. Made me wonder if he was pretending my texts were from his beloved Sandra Bullock or something LOL!