The Only Way Out is Through

I just have to say that the only way, the absolute only way to get over a relationship like this is to fully confront every single emotion you were running from by staying with him. Every single horrible truth, every pain in every single brain cell that can feel pain, every memory, every last memory has to be faced and felt and put to rest. I have spent so many nights with a stomach in knots crying, wincing, living the reality of the ways I had been hurt, the ways I had allowed myself to not see, the things I had ignored and lied to myself about in order to move forward. It's horrifying and I know I'm not done yet. It might not be every night in a row, it probably shouldn't be. But it's many nights, here and there, until you've fully faced the truth of it all. And as long as you're being real, you're not getting drunk or finding different men to hookup with, as long as you're spending time alone, with you and only you, and truly facing all of the monsters you ran from for so long, counting on both hands until you run out of fingers how many girls he cheated on you with, until you do all of that you will never be able to let go of him. When he comes back, because no matter WHAT, he will come back, if you have been doing time the right way, confronting the truth of it all, taking him back won't be an option. It isn't for me. I still cry, I still pray, I still wonder how and when it will all be over. And even though I miss him more than I have ever missed anything, I know now that he is just a facade. I know he never loved me the way I deserve to be loved. I know it wasn't me. He was lucky to have me for as long as he did, but that time is done now. I have spent too much time facing the emotions I ran from. He can never have me back now. I am no longer in the dark. I am in pain, but I am in the light.

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