Now I'm very very worried

I just read the first line and thought OMG. HLS, you were in deep pain lately, and you are just beginning to heal. Its way too early to date. Please dont date anyone now. Not because you have to wait till your perfect, but dating anyone will trigger pain again and again. You are still comparing them with him. I was in your place, I couldnt imagine to sleep with anyone but the N, touching someone else made me cry, just the idea of that. I am still not ready for that, but the craving for him stopped. So it does get better!

A girlfriend of mine was in therapy for a year for the many of the same reasons we're all on this board. Namely, she dated a narc and she became someone she was not proud of. She was duped by a con artist narc. That being said, her therapist told her "whenever you feel an immediate attraction to someone, run to the nearest exit". I think a lot of that has to do with the idea that when that takes place, we can't see straight because we're so blinding by some narc's initial radiance. A "real man" is someone whom we develop feelings for over a long period of time and bonding. A life coach I used to talk to told me not to sleep with anyone for 6 months, and to only date him for a year, you need to see how he is with his family, work, etc before being in a committed relationship. In regards to if we'll ever have a high attraction for anyone ever again, in due time. I think if we are not feeling an attraction to someone "yet" and still miss our abusive ex-narc, then we need to spend more time alone to heal. Time heals and it will get better. It's not over and you (and all of us) will love again.

What you wrote, especially in the last paragraph, is a pretty good indication that you have some more recovery to do alone. Getting to a place where you have no desire to be in the arms of a mentally disordered, abusive man is recovery. Not every date is going to be someone you want to spend time with. Remind yourself that the "sudden connection" feeling that most of us experienced is actually a red flag. Be patient, your sexuality will still be there when you do meet someone you really like and he really likes you... Peace. J

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I feel numb inside. Let me tell you what my therapist told me. Go out with each guy 3 times. If after 3 dates you don't feel anything move on to someone else. Here is the problem we all face. With the Narc's there were fireworks and the passion was so intense that we are brainwashed into thinking that this is what true love is about. The reality is that it is completely the opposite. It comes from a building of emotions and trust over time. Not instantly. That is what you have to keep reminding yourself. Unless you know instantly the guy is a completely N or loser, give them a chance. Invoke the 3 date rule! That is what I am trying to do. J

I can't give you an answer from experience...well, maybe I can cause it was ten years between my son's father and the Narc...I think they're both Narcs! Maybe you are just not ready - but I wouldn't say that you're gonna be like this forever. ALSO, maybe it's your NARC radar actually working - those tiny voices we ignore than force ourselves in deeper? Either way, maybe just date for the fun of dating, go on lots of dates...have nice dinners, have four or five boyfriends, let them all know, you're not looking to settle down just yet (that makes them want you more anyway...men like the chase..LOL) But seriously, we're human, we need companionship, friendship, a reason to get dressed and go out - but not every date has to be a love connection. Also, maybe keep earlier hours. I think men scope out women too and size them up. Even if all you have to do for the night is pick lint out your bellybutton, keep the dates to early evening because you have to get up early because you "have so much to do" This will let the guy know he has to work for you - AND if he's unwilling, then he's too "lazy"...A typical CLASSIC narc trait, and VOLA! you would have prevented and weeded out yet another disaster... Hugs!