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Now I'm very very worried

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#1 Oct 14 - 8AM
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Now I'm very very worried

that I will never again be attracted physically to a man. I had my first "real" date since the breakup (last March) the other night and I wasn't at all attracted to the guy. I feel so stupid because I got all bent out of shape (not to him, just inside my head and on here) that it was taking this guy so long to call me (we met a month ago this week), but then when we did end up going out together, I just had absolutely no interest in seeing him again. He's a dentist and I had only invited him in afterwards as a politeness - I never thought he would accept, as it was already 1am and those guys have to be up early and on form every day, more than most, since they spend all day leaning over people doing microsurgery. So no late nights or booze for them. However in he came, and he kept trying to kiss me in the kitchen. All I could think was - how soon can I get this man out of my apartment?

Is this the way it's going to be? For the rest of my life am I going to be constantly comparing the way I felt around the xn in the early months to the complete lack of interest I felt the other night? I mean, maybe it's simply that I have no attraction to this guy and even if I'd never met the xn, I still would not have felt any attraction to dentist guy, but part of me is very sad and worried and bitter and angry that I'm now left in this position of wanting something so badly that I can't have (ie, the ex to come back and for everything to be like it was in the beginning). The sexual part of me just seems to be completely dead in relation to other men. I can't even concieve of sleeping with anyone. I slept with someone back during the summer but he's a guy I've known for 10 years and it was safe and familiar. I did end up becoming aroused with him but I think it was more of an automatic response from my body than any real excitement or lust or love or pleasure, if you follow me.

Has anyone else been through this and managed to revive the the sexual part of themselves? At the moment it's like the thought of touching anyone but the n fills me with disgust. I crave being back with him, feeling him holding me in the mornings. I ache to touch his beautiful hair and run my hands through it. I used to love hugging him so tight and raining kisses on him. All that part of myself and the way I express love and affection is completely cut off. I can't even imagine doing all of that with anyone else. This is genuinely frightening as we are talking about the rest of my erotic life here. Is it over already? I just feel so heavy with grief and weariness and loss and and longing and regret and bitterness and envy of the new woman.

Oct 16 - 2AM
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

And for the first time in

And for the first time in weeks, I nearly cried when he asked me about my breakup. He asked whether I was on the rebound and I said no, because it was all the way back in March, but even as I was talking about it I could feel the tears coming. I managed to hide them from him though. I also got weepy at the end of a movie recently - and not even a soppy romantic one, it was called "Looking for Eric". Haven't cried in a while so not sure what's up with this.
Oct 15 - 7PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Hook

Oh, I'm so sorry the date was such a disappointment. Trust me, you will not feel like this forever. Your sexuality is not dead forever. No way! You are still recovering, my dear. You are simply not ready to be with anyone yet because you need to spend more time with yourself healing from what you experienced. I know it seems easier to move on and try to date, but honestly, you're just not ready. You need some serious "me" time to take care of yourself. We need to plan a visit. Luv u! xoxo
Oct 15 - 7PM (Reply to #35)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Lisa:

Thank you sweetie. I feel so foolish having made such a big fuss about him not calling me quickly enough, and then for the date to be such a big anticlimax. It's not that he was a horrible guy or anything, he was very nice, but just didn't attract me at all. He spent the whole dinner complaining about everything that was wrong in dentistry. I just sat there and nodded at regular intervals. He struck me as quite depressed actually. And I just couldn't BEAR to have him kissing me. It grossed me out actually. Although I think that's because he was a bad kisser as well. Also, I'm sure that if there was someone I was genuinely attracted to, things would flow more easily. I have felt sexual from time to time since the breakup, but only in the abstract, not in connection with any one man, if you follow me, so I guess it's not dead completely :) You're darn right we need to plan a visit! HLS xx
Oct 16 - 9AM (Reply to #39)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

No, it is not dead completely

No, not by any means, Hook! Your sexuality is not dead! Not at all. You simply need time by yourself to heal. I think it's healthy that you weren't into this guy. Many of us, seek out affection from men as a way to avoid having to feel. It's a distraction that I know I'm guilty of employing! You're asking why you cried at the end of that movie. Don't question that, hon. It's healthy to cry! We have all been socialized and conditioned to believe that we shouldn't cry or show our emotions. We have a wide range of emotions. Being happy is not the only emotion in the world, although many of our families did not validate us unless we put on a happy face and smiled, right? Well, we have many more emotions to feel and they are there for a reason! We shoud NOT be afraid of them. Sure, we're not used to feeling them, but like I said, they are there for a reason. The functionalist approach to emotions (for example, Nico Frijda and Freitas-Magalhaes) holds that emotions have evolved for a particular function, such as to keep the subject safe. If you repress your feelings, you will remain stuck. We must feel our feelings to move on. Be gentle with yourself and proud that you have the courage to feel. When you feel, you know you're alive, right? I would rather feel pain and know I’m alive than feel nothing? The one thing a narcissist can never take away from us is our ability to feel. A narcissist will never experience the range of emotions we do, which is precisely why they are so jealous, envious and covetous of those of us who can. Always remember, we can feel and should embrace this gift, not avoid it. Do not avoid your feelings. To do so only invalidates you. To deny your feelings is to deny the truth. Many people have tried to make us feel guilty for feeling, but no more. A quote I found recently when a year-long relationship ended after I expressed my feelings really resonated with me. I know I've shared it on here before, but I'll share it again: "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for truth." ~Benjamin Disraeli Hang in there and allow yourself to feel. You owe it to yourself and YES, we need to plan a visit soon! xoxo
Oct 16 - 6AM (Reply to #36)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

Fuss?

HLS said: I feel so foolish having made such a big fuss about him not calling me quickly enough, and then for the date to be such a big anticlimax. Girl, you were talking about killing yourself over the actions of this dentist who was supposed to be the answer to all your problems. A few weeks ago you put the responsibility for your LIFE and all your faith in the world in the hands of a nice but hapless dude who turns out has problems of his own. Can you see how skewed your priorities have been? Can you recognize that you have been trying to find your footing on unstable ground? From the outside, it's easy to see that you really need to deal with the damage of this relationship before you try to plow on to the next stage of your life. I'm saying this a person who didn't know how to/didn't want to deal with the aftermath of my first narc relationship. And here I am, 20 years later, finally figuring it out - with nothing so show for my emotional life except regret, shame, and self mutilation. On the outside I have accomplished much. On the inside I am only beginning to learn. It's like a cancer. If you ignore it, it's only going to grow and fester and suck you dry. I can understand why you might not think you need to work on yourself first, but you do. We all do. It sucks, but it's true. People with healthy boundaries and realistic expectations are able to spot damaged people pretty quickly, and are going to steer the opposite way as quickly as possible. Healthy people understand that they should NOT be responsible for fixing others. It's simply a recipe for disaster. If what we want out of life is mental and emotional health and stability in our relationship, we must first be healthy and find our own stability.
Oct 16 - 2PM (Reply to #37)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

You're right - I was

You're right - I was suicidal about a month ago, but it was more that here was yet another guy who seemed incapable of following through on what he said he was going to do (ie, call) than because it was any particular guy, if you follow me. It wasn't this unknown dude that was making me suicidal, it was the dread and terror that nothing is ever, ever going to work out for me romantically, and his behaviour just seemed like more proof of that, on top of the xn abandoning and betraying me.
Oct 16 - 6PM (Reply to #38)
darkspark
darkspark's picture

We are both saying the same thing

I really do get where you're coming from. What I'm trying to say to you is that you can't expect immediate relief, and you REALLY can't expect it to come from outside of your own brain. The fact that you considered ending your life because some random dude might have confirmed your fear that every man on this earth will abandon and betray you illustrates that your head is not in the right place. It's faulty logic. It belies a mind that is clouded and confused. I don't know your mind and what is in it at this moment. From what I've read, I hear a lot of excuses from someone who doesn't want to deal with the core of the deep down painful. It's time for you to look inward instead of out. I hope that this is coming across with the sincerity with which it's meant.
Oct 15 - 1AM
girlfriday
girlfriday's picture

You've gotten so much great

You've gotten so much great input. I've been wondering about this kind of thing lately as well. I've been casually dating (very casually). Been out with 4 men since the N and no fireworks...but I'm GLAD. I don't want to loose my head again. It really does take time to get to know someone. YET, sometimes I feel damaged in a way. I try to figure out if I'm a lot healthier, or permanently damaged. Perhaps both. One date with one dentist doesn't tell you anything. I think that if you are feeling like you HAVE to be in a relationship, that is a red flag that you shouldn't be. I felt that way my whole life, and I got unhealthy counterparts all along. But now, for the first time EVER, I do not feel like I need a man or relationship. And that's how I know it is FINALLY safe to date.
Oct 16 - 4AM (Reply to #33)
imabloke
imabloke's picture

girlfriday

"I think that if you are feeling like you HAVE to be in a relationship, that is a red flag that you shouldn't be." Very good advice... all of my errrr.. more successful relationships have occurred when i wasn't looking.
Oct 15 - 7AM (Reply to #32)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I know what you mean, but on

I know what you mean, but on the other hand, the ex has already stolen enough of my life. I don't want any more time to go to waste. I don't feel like I HAVE to be in a relationship, but I really, really want to. I've been feeling lonely and single and rejected long enough. He's not here, so I have to face that and get on with my life. He is NOT wasting any more of my precious time.
Oct 14 - 7PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Hook

I agree with Sherbear and lkie what she had to say. we are grownups, why not say goodnight, that late at the front door and so you felt nothing for the dentist, so accept that,move on and do not try to force it. This really is not the same as getting bsck on a horse when you have fallen off, this is about timing on your terms, does not sound to me like you are ready at all to be dating again, unless on a casual, friendship basis where you share activities. sounds to me like you have alot more healing to do. I have not gone out for well over a year and half, a met a few men on a casual basis but nothing at all serious, still working on me and even though everyone's timetable is different fom what you wrote and your insistent longing for the Narc, I do not see how you are ready, do you? I would not worry that you will never be able to give or receive love again, we are real and when it is right, YOU WILL...............
Oct 14 - 5PM
Sherbear
Sherbear's picture

RED FLAG

"I just had absolutely no interest in seeing him again. He's a dentist and I had only invited him in afterwards as a politeness - I never thought he would accept, as it was already 1am ...... However in he came, and he kept trying to kiss me in the kitchen. All I could think was - how soon can I get this man out of my apartment?" I'm just gonna come and say it HLS! This is a huge red flag to me. Why did you feel like it was more polite to ask him to your apt. at 1 am. then to be polite to yourself first and recognize your feelings were valid and jsut say goodnight at the door? If you weren't feeling it with him that evening then you owe it to yourself first to honor those feelings. That is your gut telling you this is not right for you. This is the feeling I kept ignoring with my narc and got my heart trampled on. This is what we need to get in touch with to protect ourselves in the future. That only comes from taking the time to truly heal. It's way too early, you need to grieve the pain you are feeling. You need to get the toxins out of your system, I know how hard it is. But I refuse to carry this into any other area of my life, so I will face the pain and loss, and allow myself to rebuild. He kept kissing you b/c.. come on!!!....when a woman invites a man into her apt at 1 am, what do you think a man is going to think? Don't even put yourself into that position. I know that so many times I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings so I would accomodate them and ignore my instincts, this is something that I am working hugely on with myself. I have a right to honor myself first. I truly beleive that if you are true to yourself first....the rest will fall into place. You can't force it, you can't compare one man against another, and if you are then that is a sign that the timing is not right. Be true to yourself! Wow, I think I may be growing up! Thank goodness!
Oct 15 - 8AM (Reply to #29)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I wasn't in any danger of

I wasn't in any danger of falling for him the way I fell for the ex, because I just wasn't attracted to him. I guess I kind of felt sorry for him because it was becoming obvious during our walk home etc that I wasn't interested in him physically, and I didn't want to be too mean. Also, there are plenty of occasions where I've asked a guy in for tea or whatever and nothing has happened, and in this case I certainly didn't have any intention of anything physical happening. I think perhaps I might be overthinking this - at least I hope so. I think I just wasn't attracted to him, period. I really, really hope so, and that it's not that I've lost the capacity to be physically attracted to anyone else.
Oct 14 - 4PM
imabloke
imabloke's picture

Its the same for me...

I've just read a bit of HLS post - but even I know what you mean.. and no i don't kiss blokes ;) but i have no interest in having sex with a woman - at the moment. Don't even feel like snogging anyone. I've been NC for about 4 months now (gave up counting) i've had a couple of dates - one started to get a bit - you know.. and i was thinking i don't want this.. i don't want to think about anyone else agenda.. but my own. And when it didn't go anywhere and just fizzle out I was relieved ... I'm happy on my own.. and have the freedom to be the person I'm meant to be. And I'm going to say this - I know I'm a good guy, I'm a fucking good bloke, fun to be with, happy in myself and i don't play games with anyone. What you see is what you get. Sometimes we have to pat ourselves on the back. And let's realise these shit heads that we've dealing will have all this crap in their lives to deal with on there own! In some shape or form. If you think it's all rosy for them i'm sure as hell that deep down inside its NOT!
Oct 15 - 8AM (Reply to #27)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

I'm glad to hear that you

I'm glad to hear that you don't think our exes are having a wonderful time. I really hope that mine is faced on a daily basis with the crap in his life. I hope he never, ever escapes it.
Oct 14 - 1PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Those feelings are

Those feelings are legitimate and you deserve to feel them and experience them to the nth, HLS. You WERE hurt, the most vulnerable part of you was used and trashed and then shoved in your face :( I am another gal who's erotic life seems to have left without a forwarding address. I have every belief it will come back when it is SAFE to do so. I think this part of me is wiser than I am. I wonder if it is the same for other folks. I too feel it's loss.
Oct 14 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
anonymous
anonymous's picture

This hurts to say

but I honestly do feel like I was raped emotinally and I'm having a very hard time with myself, my body image, my self-esteem with respect to my sexuality. I think it's how rape victims feel for a long time after and that's how I feel. That has been one of the biggest hurdles during this recovery. =(
Oct 15 - 12AM (Reply to #21)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

I too have a hard time even

I too have a hard time even imagining being physically close/lovemaking or remotely sexual, even now. I thought it is probably due to at some deep level feeling very violated. It would be more of a hurdle to me if it bothered me. It doesn't, that much. It bothers me enough to notice it and think, "Whoa, where did it go??" I was never raped or forced in that sense (physically). But sex was very rarely "safe", yet we had an active sex life. Which basically means, I had a lot of sex that left me feeling anxious afterward, which I tried to ignore. After a few years of doing that, no wonder my "desire" took off for the hills. I hope it comes back, but I understand why it left :( I betrayed it over and over again.
Oct 15 - 2PM (Reply to #22)
BAW
BAW's picture

Briseis, I so know what you mean...

"Sex was very rarely "safe", yet we had an active sex life. Which basically means, I had a lot of sex that left me feeling anxious afterward, which I tried to ignore." I too felt this way, and was definitely completely uninterested in pursuing another relationship on any level. But, it does get better! I lucked out and found a man (long-time friend)who makes me feel completely safe both in and out of the bedroom. And you know what? That sex drive comes back when your body and mind are comfortable again. :) Now I realize more than ever what I've been missing out on the past 12 years!
Oct 15 - 2PM (Reply to #23)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Thanks for sharing that BAW

Thanks for sharing that BAW :D :D It will all come back when the time is right, and my newfound internal safety net is secure. If I end up realizing what I've been missing for the last however many years, my poor new fellow may have to have some sessions with the chiropractor. I'll spot him :D
Oct 15 - 3PM (Reply to #24)
BAW
BAW's picture

"If I end up realizing what

"If I end up realizing what I've been missing for the last however many years, my poor new fellow may have to have some sessions with the chiropractor. I'll spot him :D" Trust me - he won't mind the chiro trips, it's a win-win for everyone involved! ;)
Oct 15 - 3PM (Reply to #25)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

High five SLAP! :D

High five SLAP! :D
Oct 14 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
iAmMINE
iAmMINE's picture

*parental descretion advised*

"better to play with a toy than a "boy"... Juz sayin' *blush* ~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~ ~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them, --she said, (taken from my final remarks in a Sync Weekly Magazine article about my art and mySelf

~~~ Keep Learning & Keep Healing ~~~

~~~~~ The best revenge is to survive and be victorious over it. Nobody can take from you what you don't give them.

Oct 14 - 4PM (Reply to #17)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

yeah i was a sexual machine

yeah i was a sexual machine with my x. i wanted it all the time, i'm in my 'peak'. he constantly rejected me, but it's slowly coming back after a long long dry spell. i forced myself to have sex with one guy and cried untrollably after-so not sexy. i agree with bri, it will totally come back. for now, just get massages and a good toy...
Oct 15 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
ewa
ewa's picture

'yeah i was a sexual machine

'yeah i was a sexual machine with my x. i wanted it all the time, i'm in my 'peak'. he constantly rejected me, but it's slowly coming back after a long long dry spell. i forced myself to have sex with one guy and cried untrollably after-so not sexy." welcome to the club - Me too!!!
Oct 14 - 1PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

awe :(

i completely understand. i really do. llisten, when i fist layed eyes on my x husband i got this feeling, of revulsion, fear, and the most attracted i have ever been to anyone in my entire life. he's got 14 years on me, is almost all grey, and i still feel that way when i see him. when we would go out together, people would go up to him and ask him how the hell he scored me, but i just thought he hung the moon... he treated me like SHIT. i have the same problem as you, but i'm coming out of it. i think what the other ladies said is totally true. i also think real love is built out of friendship, concern, and kindness. it's not about fear, sex and excitement. i don;t know if it's wrong to get involved in those kind of liasons, but i think you should only do it if you can actually AVOID loving them - which it sounds like you're to sweet to do. try to make friends. thats what i'm doing. i'm dating a guy who doesn;t 'spoil' me, or baby me, or make me wet just by ignoring me, but hey, thats how normal relationshps start. when i first divorced, i had the same experience as you. lots of guys trying to kiss me and it made me want to slap them. don;t go out with guys you're not attracted to, and if you are, tell them you are just wanting to make friends... then see what happens. laughm talk, enjoy their company. take your time. it will get better. meanwhile, love yourself xoxox
Oct 15 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

Fireflie, when he was

Fireflie, when he was ignoring you, did he know that you wanted to have sex? I mean, did you tell him so? Was it perfectly clear? If so, what a sadistic prick.
Oct 15 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

yes ma'am

i'll tell you at the risk of sounding pathetic in the hopes that you feel better... keep in mind i'm a pretty attractive woman who wa sin her late twenties at the time, and he was in his forties... the night he beat me with a belt, it was because i came on to him and he pushed me out of the room and locked me out when i was half naked. i used to beg him to 'let me' go down on him i would wake him up and feed him breakfast in bed when he was mad at me and beg for sex i had a stripper pole in my hosue that i danced on for him, and extensive collection of costumes and sexy things, i begged for sex constantly i never got 'make-up sex', 'angry sex', or anything. i got complete and total rejection from a somatic narcassist who posted personal ads looking for other women to have sex with. he said he 'couldn;t turn his hurt feelings off'. he would say no to me then masturbate if he was mad at me. in 4 years, he never had a problem getting it up.
Oct 15 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
hooklineandsinker
hooklineandsinker's picture

That is so fucking sadistic,

That is so fucking sadistic, the way he treated you. It makes me sick. Mine ignored me sexually for 5 weeks but I didn't let him know that I wanted him, either. In other words I didn't make any moves towards him or try to start anything sexual during those 5 weeks, so he didn't actually know (or care, I suppose) whether I wanted to or not. But it bothered me every single day. I remember driving a group of girlfriends into the countryside here, for my best friend's hen party (bridal shower), and they were all talking in the car about their kids and their husbands. That made me so angry because I had neither, and at that point we were a week into the sexual dry spell. But when they started talking and laughing about being late for social engagements because their husbands had wanted to have sex with them before leaving the house (a quickie in the shower, etc) I got even angrier and really, really depressed and thought "that would just never happen with us". Mine would NEVER have grabbed me with passion and desire and just gone for it. Even at that point I was jealous of the others and miserable that other people's partners had that level of desire for them but mine, apparently, did not.
Oct 15 - 6AM (Reply to #11)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

fierflie

That feeling you decribed--about when you see him--it kills me. There is something about this guy that makes me completely insane, totally aroused. I could just watch him move all day, and he is not in any way attractive to anyone around here. When he is dressed for work or to go out he is attractive, sure, but he's old and wrinkled and has thinning hair and isn't someone a woman who look at or do a double take for. I think a big part of that is actually the result of their handiwork: keeping us in that state of perpetual "passion" or "in love-ness" that never progresses to anything real or practical. I think back on my ten-year marriage, and there was certainly a lot of passion in the beginning. Childen came, and our focus turned to them. We still occassionally had our moments of passion and abandon, but the real thing became real love, and the attraction was in seeing my husband be a good father, a good man. I find it interesting that, despite was a complete wanker the narc is, it doesn't affect how I feel about him when I look at him, nothing affects his ability to arouse me, and I think it must be some sort of Pavlovian response: every time I saw him we had hours of sex and nothing else, so I suppose that every time I see him, for quite some time yet, I will start salivating like the dog did when he heard the bell, you know?