Sometimes I get so mad I think I would have the capability to harm him permanently so he couldn't hurt anyone else ever again. But then I also have this knowledge that I will always love him, will be at his bedside when he is dying when he is an old man and everyone else has given up on him. Am I insane? After all the crap, how can I possibly be thinking like this - that I would be there for him in the end after everyone else has washed their hands of him? Could I be any more on the fence or what?!