No contact and children - How do I do it?

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#1 Jan 27 - 9PM
Bella10's picture

No contact and children - How do I do it?

The past 5 months have been so up and down after my husband left me for OW. I tried fighting for the marriage and on many occassions my husband seemed like he was going to come back and we would work on our marriage. In all our conversations and moments of intimacy, he had never told the OW of his plans to try and work things out with me. After OW and myself had several conversations we both realised he was not telling either one of us the whole truth.
One minute he wanted to be with her, next minute it was me. This went on over several weeks and when I had had enough of his to-ing and fro-ing I told him in no uncertain terms that it was over and go and be with the OW. At this stage he became very upset and said he may as well kill himself. I crumbled quickly and talked things through with him. I assumed he would definitely end it with ow now. But realised after speaking to her this was not so.
He went on a soul searching weekend and decided it was ow he wanted to be with. I took it hard but then felt closure. However only 2 days later he came back saying he couldnt move forward with anyone until he had at least given us a go. I was confused and shocked and didnt know what to do but had a few days away with an already organised trip to think and get my head around the new turn around. While I was away I sensed him pulling away again and I knew that this was definitely the last time I would be sucked back in. It has been 5 days and he has not tried to come back. I read letters and emails he wrote to her and they were full of passion and words of deep love. He didnt hide these letters or emails so I dont know if he did that intentionally. But very hard to read how your husband of many years declaring his absolute love to someone else.
How do I keep him out of my life when we have children. There will be functions, sporting events etc where we will both be. I want to talk to him. I feel like I want to see him but am being very strong.
Is my husband a narcissist or am I just struggling with the fact that he doesnt love me anymore. Surely not all men or women who have affairs are narcissists?

Jan 27 - 9PM
GeorgiaGirl's picture

Ok, here's my take

1. He's cheating on you and you've met OW 2. He can't decide who he wants (triangulation deluxe!) 3. He went away for a weekend of crazy, wild sex 4. He left love letters in an area he knew you would find 5. PAIN, PAIN, PAIN you are in pain 6. He comes back to you and YOU TAKE HIM BACK 7. You get away, clear out a bit of fog and come to your senses How did I do? I don't think it really matters if he's a narc or not...he can't be trusted and you have yourself and your innocent children to protect. It's called LC (low contact) when you have children with a narc (or suspected narc). You communicate by text or email only, only about the children, you avoid all eye contact in public, you act as though he isn't there and you live your life to the fullest. Narc in turn will manipulate, connive, hoover, rage, stomp his foot and file for divorce - not necessarily in that order. He may also file for custody so prepare yourself for that too. You in turn hire the best attorney you can afford, preferably a woman who knows her shit, and you go after every.single.thing you are entitled to...including alimony, child support, the house, the car, the kids, the dog, etc. You don't back down, you don't make empty threats and you watch your back at all times. I've been there, done that and narcs play to win.
Jan 28 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
abreva's picture

Yes, What GeorgiaGirl said.

You prepare yourself for a very wild ride. You have a few good friends to talk about what's happening. You utilize this site to keep yourself straight. You pray, if you pray. I just went through the divorce, and child support, and alimony stuff. Property settlement is still going. It helped me to find ways to DISTRACT myself. My two favorites: Movies. And Long Hot Showers. Also helpful: Gratitude journal. Included in this notebook I also write my hopes and dreams for my future, what I look forward to having and doing, who I look forward to knowing and being with. I write love-notes to my children in it, when they are away. Etc. It's very uplifting. Another notebook holds my rants, upsets, fears etc. You will get through this and you will be happier. You will be grateful. You will be free.