No closure

41 posts / 0 new

#1 Jul 31 - 9PM

sweetsamm

No closure

Ok.....I'm totally over my ex..but,one thing just bugs the crap out of me...how come he wouldn't even see me after dumping me with no explanation...he had stuff of mine,and i had stuff of his and i said lets just meet at starbucks(public) and we can exchange our things...he said i could contact his lawyer,lol...over cd's,clothes,and a painting i painted...it was so fricking ridiculous i just let him keep my things..i still and never will have closure,is this part of the game???

#2 Aug 4 - 8AM

helldweller

closure

Yep. No closure. No way. Can we be adults? Nope. Can we break up in person or even by phone? Nope. Can we agree this isn't working? Nope. Did you do anything wrong? Nope. Did you change your mind about marriage and children? Nope.

#3 Aug 2 - 9PM

Steph

There will come a day when

There will come a day when what he did to you is not on the forefront of your mind. You will think of him, with no feelings of anger or sadness, just a distant memory of something that you went through and survived. You will laugh at what an idiot he was and the thought of being with him will make your skin crawl. You will know that you were never meant to be with such a loser and be happy that you aren't with him. You will smile knowing that living without him is the best gift life has given you. That day will come. That's closure.

#4 Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #39)

loveofmylife

staying strong

love it! :)â„¢ I pray that day will come for me soon!

#5 Aug 1 - 10PM

betty2020

The one thing that stands

The one thing that stands true with the Narcs is when they D&D they have to leave with a feeling of superiority. Part of this is knowing that when they leave you with no closure it is going to always weigh on your mind and make you think about them. You will never have any answers and they love this. It gives them a sense of high power and control. Dont give it to him honey. He has taken enough now. Screw him and the donkey he rode in on! Dont wait for the closure, its not coming and never will. Find the closure within yourself. Just dont give him another moment of your precious time. xoxooxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#6 Aug 1 - 10PM (Reply to #37)

Susan32

Superiority

Wow. That hits home. I told my ex-P we weren't compatible, it was the time for the BOTH of us to move on with our lives. He even told me "don't think about me. Focus on yourself." Well, that's what I did, getting immersed in my teacher education program... UNTIL he sabotaged it. So I had to leave town. I was on NC because of what I feared he'd do next. It was bad enough to be falsely accused of being "dangerous to children." That takes LOTS of nerve... from a teacher! His sabotage of my teaching job after graduation made me sick... so I moved to Oregon and got a successful teaching job there (Oregon seems to be a haven for N/P victims, it was for Lisa, as well as one of my ex-P's former male disciples, who also got a name change) It was shocking. If I had meant NOTHING to him, why did he stoop to that? I had distanced myself... I ignored him. He wanted to see me desperate and upset, and possibly lash out (perhaps in an illegal way) A teacher is ALREADY a superior. So, what was with the mindgames to be superior? I was his subordinate. If he wanted to feel superior, shouldn't he have gone after one of his colleagues or one of his superiors? (A strange and sad coincidence is that my ex-P's male colleagues who were his age mysteriously ended up not getting tenure for really odd reasons) All I know is that a decade later, I sent a mass email to my former professors (including said ex-P) reflecting on the past 10 years, all full of happiness and joy (all it needed was double rainbows,unicorns,chocolate), talking about all the magazines/newspapers I've been published in. My senior essay advisor, who's a great guy, sent me a great congrats and talked about summer vacation. As for my ex-P, how would he like his humble pie served? Hot or cold? I don't expect validation from him on my accomplishments... tho he was my essay advisor for 3 years. He always flattered my writing, but at least I've got real fans, and his big philosophical book exists only in his head...

#7 Aug 1 - 10PM (Reply to #33)

loveofmylife

Control as DD

Yep..... the childish thing about our final "breakup" or whatever you want to call it....is that I told him I didn't think we could work together anymore...but I wanted to talk to him about it first before we moved forward because I needed to understand his motives over the last few months. Well...after he was luring me for 2 months...the luring stopped all of a sudden and then he had to make an even bigger statement of "breaking up" with me! Breaking up with me on a personal and work level! He just couldn't stand me questioning him....he had to have complete control over the situatino...so within 24 hours it turned from him flattering me, texting me, hugging me, etc, etc - to him saying "I don't want you in my life anymore!" Pretty drastic turn of events and of course left me with my mouth open, and of course he won't answer any questions and talk to me on the phone (all of my questions must be submitted in writing or a 3rd party has to be on the phone!)....cause like you said - he has the power! Isn't that incredibly childish!!!!!!!!!

#8 Aug 2 - 6AM (Reply to #36)

Bodhi

ugh

yeah... mine led this awful breakup dance of mixed signals with me for four months. He knew I was devastated & heartbroken and one day he would ignore an email from me and the next day he would tell me how much he missed me. I finally realized that we could never be friends and when I confronted him on his bad behavior he called the cops on me. I never threatened him in any way. Talk about control.

#9 Aug 2 - 12AM (Reply to #35)

sweetsamm

these men are so alike it's eerie....

OMG......Yes,yes and yessss.....i'm in shock about how exactly similar our endings were...mine would never answer a text,just said his lawyer would be contacting me about delivering his things...i told him to grow up,take his pamper off, and be a big boy....his next comment was 'you really scare me,samm,get help.." I stopped all contact because I was actually afraid he would turn somehow turn things around and try and make me look crazy...ugh..

#10 Aug 1 - 11PM (Reply to #34)

narcdx3

So similar

Mine was after I told him we could work together but the personal relationship had to end. I had caught him in his huddle with his army and working against me that it made me sick. He was persuing other women and even other people for my job. So I said no more. I will talk to you at work about work only. He lost it on me. How dare me rebuke him! I obviously didn't know who I was talking to---now that was true I told him I thought he had multiple personalities so truly I didn't know who I was talking to. He pitched little childish fits and would ignore me and not allow me in on descisions that should have been mine to make, wouldn't listen to my ideas in meetings, talked over me, belittled me. It was a joke. People started to notice it. I ran for cover because I had nerve and he let me know. I shouldn't have messed with him. He turned into a monster and he was out to get his revenge.

#11 Aug 1 - 9PM

Narcd Out

Because it's all about control

They won't return things because it's all about control. If they know you want the things back, then they won't return them, somewhat just to spite you. In my experience, they also keep things so that if they need supply, at some point down the road, they have an excuse to contact you again. The N I dated did that to me repeatedly and would email intermittently to tell me items he had found and wanted to know if he should bring them over. He did the same thing to his ex. I guess if you always keep in mind that there is some hidden motive in their actions (meaning THEY will get something out of it), it helps make sense out of it somewhat, though in a twisted-control sort of way. All Narc'd Out:)

All Narc'd Out:)

#12 Aug 1 - 8PM

naivenomore

Left Hanging Like an Open Wound

I also don't have closure and I can relate to what everyone is saying! It's been 3 months now and I wake up every morning in shock with the first thought that goes through my head: "Did it really happen?" It's like chronic shock and it sets me back for the morning. Granted, I have broken NC twice now and I'm thinking there's gotta' be something in my past that's really keeping me linked with this guy! I could write a thesis, defend it, and graduate magna cum laude with all of the reasons why I shouldn't have any contact and should move on, but I'm stuck, stuck, stuck! Friendships are being strained with all this crap and I have to start back to teach in a month so I'm praying that I'll be able to get moving here.

#13 Aug 1 - 8PM

hitandrun

sweetsamm no closure is common

Mine did the same damn thing. D&D, erasure, owes me money and I have a bunch of his stuff. Can we be adults here? No, because he is a boy. The lawyer thing to exchange stuff is hilarious...they are unbelievable. Mine get's to go to court, but I really don't want to see him. Sometimes, you just have to stand up for yourself after you've been treated like a piece of toilet paper. If he didn't lie about owing me money and treat me horribly after he D&D'd me, I would've given him everything back including the engagement ring. Now I'm selling it and all the other jewelry : ) It's all a game to them. Keep the faith. We have to make our own closure and take back our power. These guys really do suck your energy.

#14 Aug 1 - 8PM (Reply to #28)

Susan32

"Can we be adults here?"

Yeah, I don't know how many times I told my ex-P "this is what an adult would've done" or "this is what a normal human would've done." Very strange... explaining human niceties and emotions to a man 15 years my senior. I lectured HIM about how normal teachers acknowledged the existence of their significant others/girlfriends, how normal adults make closure by wishing each other well and saying goodbye. It's incredibly painful. One of my friends said that my "relationship" basically ended because it never began in the first place. It wasn't a genuine relationship. She used the analogy of the doorway. You stand in the doorway, the N/P acts like he's welcoming you in, showing off the interior of his place... but slams the door in your face. She was right. It wasn't that my ex-P was promising a romantic relationship and knowing he wasn't going to deliver... but it was that he was promising a RELATIONSHIP, knowing he wasn't going to deliver. Very juvenile. Good luck in court--hope that the truth will out! Time heals all wounds... and wounds all heels. Will you sell his stuff on eBay or Craigslist? Be sure to have the stuff exorcised first.

#15 Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #29)

hitandrun

Susan32

Will be sure to sprinkle holy water on the cursed objects before passing them on to others.

#16 Aug 1 - 6PM

Bodhi

Yes... it's a sick game alright

The same thing happened to my friend... when her and her ExN broke up they were in separate cities at the time... he wouldn't see her in person nor would he give her stuff back. It tore her up for a long time because she was looking for closure... she finally had to find it on her own. Sick games. I didn't have closure either... in fact he made the breakup much harder than it should have been and he continued to twist the knife deeper for a good year and a half until I cut off all communication & removed all proxies from my life.

#17 Aug 1 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

Susan32

Making the breakup harder

When it comes to Ns/Ps, that's an understatement. I've broken up/been rejected romantically before (and even after the ex-P), and NONE of them were as devastating as the D&D. I'd been disappointed before. After I met the OW, I bluntly told my ex-P,"I've been rejected before. It's called high school." Yes, I've had disappointments... but they'd be brief, I'd get over it, and I'd be able to move on. I told my ex-P, "All you had to say was that you already had a girlfriend and you weren't interested, you didn't have to lecture me." (This was prior to the hoovering) Romantic rejection can hurt. But my ex-P made it an exercise in torture. I got ENDLESS lectures about how my love for him showed how I didn't love my college, lack of respect for the social order, how I was offending, disappointing, discomfiting, and embarrassing him,etc. He could've made it painless. We could've remained close friends. In one of the last talks I had with him, I lectured him about how "normal adults" have closure. I said I was happy for him that he had found the love of his love, he was moving on, I was going to the teacher education program and I was graduating, and I was moving on. I said that adults are happy for each other. He did NOT get it. He NEVER apologized for what he did (oh yeah, that would be TOO REAL,and he has that da*n "fantasy of ascent") What broke my heart was when my friend said he probably would NEVER apologize for what he did, not even years after the fact...

#18 Aug 1 - 5PM

Susan32

This explains so much

Thanks for posting this. This explains why Ns (and even more so with Ps) have such strange attitudes towards death. They can be incredibly callous when it comes to the deaths of others. My grandfather passed away from cancer during my freshman year of college. My ex-Psychopath professor, who was my science teacher, was incredibly callous. He'd tell me to "toughen up" during class and would send me to the therapist to "manage my feelings." When my ex-P's aunt was seriously ill, and he'd have to go back to Massachusetts to see her, I gave him my sympathies--and acted in a cold, snippy manner. (at least a fairly normal Narc would've used it to milk sympathy from others) He acted incredibly cruel. During my D&D, a pastor friend of mine died after a 7 year battle with cancer. My ex-P was very cold when he gave his "sympathies." It only escalated the cruelty on his part. Why are Ns/Ps so cruel in regards to death? Death is the ULTIMATE closure. It's VERY real. It's inescapable. It's part of human life. Ns, and DEFINITELY with Ps, it's contempt for humanity itself. Narcs disregard the humanity of others;Psychs don't even consider themselves human. Death is life's most extreme form of closure. None of us can flee it. Ns and Ps live their lives in perpetual flight. Death must be terrifying for them (along with terminal illness) It's the ultimate call for responsibility. Even if you don't believe in an afterlife/nirvana, death is the inevitable closure.

#19 Aug 1 - 3PM

almostlydia

There is no closure with

There is no closure with them still being around either. I havent' seen KeN in 6 mos and once again the phone starts ringing, then on the way home from 36 hrs at the hospital, I see him in my neighborhood, then the text start all over again. Yea, he saw me. Of course he did he was circling the area waiting and looking for me. There is no closure here. It is the same MO as always - my turn on the schedule again or so it always seemed. Same old text, nothing new. I wished mine WOULD go away so that would be that but I don't think he ever will until I move away. Which is exactly what I'm planning on doing as soon as possible. Big difference now is that I am completely on the other side with my feet solidly planted. I believe he is beginning to get the message.

almostlydia

#20 Aug 1 - 3PM

Briseis

You won't get closure from

You won't get closure from him. You can get plenty of it from yourself. What a coward. You don't need him to get closure. You can decide for yourself he is a useless coward that gave you the best birthday present ever by taking his bad self out of your life.

#21 Aug 1 - 3PM

happydaysahead

Sad thing is.......

We will NEVER have closure. NEVER !! They don't care if we are hurting, they don't care about the havoc they have brought to our lives. They just don't care. Once they have decided it is over, we become completely invisible. Sad, but true !! :(

#22 Aug 1 - 11AM

Amy

no closure

Mine disappeared - just plain stopped talking to me one day. We were engaged at the time. Jackass! I won't have closure - I have accepted that.

#23 Aug 1 - 8PM (Reply to #11)

hitandrun

Jackass is right!

They are such cowards. I have finally accepted that I have to make my own closure, even if I have to see him again in court. Selling the engagement ring will be fun...wish it was as big as yours, Amy. Just so I could go somewhere tropical : )

#24 Aug 2 - 10PM (Reply to #20)

Amy

haha!

I don't think I will be vacationing. I will be paying off some major bills and maybe buy a luxury watch. :) I have been looking at Rolex's and Breitlings. I'd love to run into him while wearing one of them. But not really... I'd have preferred a nice guy to a huge diamond. But when life gives you lemons, make lemonade! :)

#25 Aug 1 - 8PM (Reply to #12)

loveofmylife

Engagement Rings

As opportunistic as these guys are, I'm really suprised they didn't come back for the rings!!!!!! In my Barbie post, it really seems that these guys strip as much as they can off of their Barbies before they move on! Got to have all of that stuff for the new Barbies!

#26 Aug 1 - 9PM (Reply to #17)

narcdx3

Barbies Ring

Yeah mine tried to get the rings--the attorney said no thats hers you gave it to her and she can do what she wants with it. He was so mad. Sold to the highest bid!

#27 Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #18)

hitandrun

narcdx3

Good for you! I asked an attorney in the state the narc/spath lives about the engagement ring...the laws are different in every state. He said it was a gift. I know the ex thinks he can use this as leverage in court. Not so and it will be a hoot to watch him bring it up! Wish they had a "breach of promise" law in his state or mine because I'd sue him for that, too. My God, I've never taken anyone to court before in my life! These men, errr, I mean boys, bring out the worst in us : )

#28 Aug 2 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

loveofmylife

They sure do bring out the worst

I've done things I've never done in my life...things that are terribly embarrasing for me....and I hate that he thinks that I would do these things in a normal relationship...It just gives them fodder for saying we were crazy and i hate that! My N has been to court, apparently, many times. Me? Zero. It just shows you that they breed conflict.

#29 Aug 1 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

better off

I received a lovely piece of

I received a lovely piece of jewelry from mine, but I have never shaken the feeling that perhaps it wasn't mine first, if you know what I mean. He promised me a diamond and then said he thought it would be more special if it was my birthstone, and it was near my birthday... only his wife happens to have the same birthstone. Nothing is ever a coincidence with these people. (This was the "soon to be ex wife" that he was moving out of the house from within the month... which of course never happened)

#30 Aug 3 - 10PM (Reply to #14)

ms_jeeves

this thread was really helpful to me

I'm having a rough time right now (long-term unemployment is wearing on me!) and I'm struggling with a lot of things that were in this thread about the lack of closure. Mine started treating me strangely -- cruelly, I should say --- while we were engaged and I returned things to him, including (among other things) the diamond ring and a picture of him from his deployment that I used to keep by my bed. He, during his attempts to keep me tied to him, returned the picture to me (how narcissistic is that? ha ha). Then after a few months of leaning on me and urging me to stay with him while he went through his rough time at work (and to make a spectacularly huge move for him), he emailed me that he was in love with someone else and wouldn't be joining me. The End. I never heard from him again. I've always suspected that he used the diamond that I treasured to give to her. I did find out that another woman was planning to marry him around the same time that I was, although she said that he "pulled a cowardly breakup" 6 months before he flaked out on me. Fortunately, I know that I didn't have her ring ... we did too much looking at rings and picking them out and getting it shipped to the house for it to be a second-hand one from her. Anyway, I know the ring was mine to keep but I gave it back because I was trying to walk away. My regret is that I didn't keep walking --- I didn't understand how dysfunctional he was then. A lot of words ... all to say... that I saw my mom's diamond yesterday (she doesn't wear it anymore) and I was struck again with how stunningly beautiful a diamond is. I am ever so grateful that he, and his diamond, are gone from my life. I wish moving on would go faster... and mostly it does but there are just so many pieces to pick up after the mess he made!

#31 Aug 3 - 10PM (Reply to #15)

happydaysahead

Wow !!

That was mighty nice of him to give you the picture of himself back. Why didn't he give you the ring back as well ? Hang in there. :)

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