Yes, yes, yes... exactly, we become annoyances because we have needs they don't want to recognize or have to respond to. That is when they'll cut us off and say "we've discussed this before" as if mentioning it once upon a time should be enough to make our need for communication or closure go away.
Mine used to hang on my every word as well and used to have such a high opinion of my thoughts and ideas. I felt he respected me and valued them - until he didn't anymore. Only a narc is capable of turning it off like that toward us when essentially we have remained the same.
I'm sorry you are at that phase now in your recovery - I remember it well. It hurts a lot when it becomes so obvious that the discard has begun. At least you're learning what it is now and as painful as the truth is, you didn't make him lose interest or discard you because there is anything wrong with you - but there is something wrong with him - and we can't fix it.
I wish I knew that when the discard was happening. Instead I blamed myself for way too long. No more.
Journey on...
Unfortunately, these stories are sounding too much alike. I have had him put the phone down and walk away while I am talking, instead of just saying hold on or something. A few times when I asked him something he didn't want to answer or we were discussing something he didn't want to talk about, he would do something to the cell phone so I could hear him but he could not hear me, and he would just sit there and yell, "You keep talking because I can't effen hear a word you are saying. You want to effen push my buttons? Go right ahead because I can't even hear you." I would get off the phone wondering what I could have done to deserve anything like that, as I always treat him in a kind way. Now if he did that I would laugh because I understand why.
Nobody treats people that way, and I always new it was not normal, but I thought it was more like he had a bad temper or something.
My personality has stayed the same, so now all the things that he liked about me are annoying? I also wish I knew about this stuff a few years back. It would have saved a lot of heartache. I realize now it is best to let this go, which is why I do not initiate any calls. If he says he'll call back and does not, I never even mention it.
The scary thing is I used to wish he would leave his wife, and I would say "you'd be happier with me. We get along so great." That was back in the first four years, and now I feel so grateful that it didn't work out. I see how many secrets he has that she doesn't know about, and I am sure I don't even know all the secrets. So maybe they deserve each other. She is no prize either. She wanted kids, and she got them. Now, she has to keep him, too. They have a nice picture painted for the neighborhood to see, but it's all fake.
Then, the whole dressing as a woman thing is what really did it for me. I would not be able to live with that, and he told her and she's fine with it. So good for her. I think it's freaky as hell. He has his little group of people that go each week to watch "the performance" and they all think it's great. I end up looking like the bad guy anyway because I won't talk about it or see it. No thank you. Glad he met new people, even though I feel he does not need me anymore.
Anyway, we know now what we know. It is hard to break away from someone who has been a part of your daily life for so long, but I think the pain that has been caused, and the fact that it is going no further ever, is enough to say THE END.
Thank you for your input, everyone.
Your Narc doesn't see you as a "real" person. More like, you were this fascinating new toy. Like a kid who gets a really cool new gizmo at Christmas, and plays and plays with it till he gets bored and then it goes up on the shelf.
Narcs don't see other PEOPLE as "real". That is their greatest disturbance, or sickness.
You are just acting NORMALLY, hon. We all talk about the same things over and over again. It is NOT boring or annoying to NORMAL people! Because we respect each other, see each other as dynamic individuals.
He sees you like a toy he's growing bored with. And you are NOT a toy!! You are a real, precious, interesting PERSON.
You can't take this personally. He's not NORMAL. If a schizophrenic on the street corner came up to you and screamed "STOP STEALING MY STUFF!!!" would you feel like a thief?? No. He's mentally ill. So is your Narc, just in a different way. He can't SEE YOU.
The sick and utterly HORRIBLE thing is that the Narc, at first, is a mirror we love to look in. They reflect us back as the most perfect, wonderful person to ever stroll the face of the planet. We are intoxicated by our own IMAGE of ourselves that the Narc shows us.
Then, the mirror begins to warp. When we look in it, we see this bad person, this worthless person. We loved what we saw before, and wanted to believe it. We did believe it, and it soothed everything :(
When that is taken away, as it inevitably is, we believe that worthless, ugly, useless mirror image too :(
What you have to do is remember who the mirror is.
A very disturbed, very sick person. A person with a psychiatric CONDITION similar to the schizophrenic on the street.
He can't mirror you accurately if his life depended on it.
And even those first few weeks or months when he mirrored this intoxicatingly wonderful vision back to you? He wasn't seeing YOU. He was seeing HIMSELF. All that time.
The hard part for you and for ALL of us is to realize they were NEVER who we thought they were, much less who we thought WE were with them :(
Narcs are like fun house mirrors. Distorted by their psychiatric condition. Not "crazy" in the way we usually think of, but deeply disturbed nonetheless.
You definitely are in the middle of the D&D, my friend. You sound very vulnerable right now. Vulnerable in that you risk BELIEVING this insane creep's opinion of you.
An ADD person's journey to recovery from a Narc...so you kinda work the challenge into it...
I think you could write a book:P
You could even twist the truth a little...
Narcs are dangerous to your health...they cause...go through the list AND ADD!
Who knows either way...think the Psych community is gonna argue it...they don't even know which way is up...
You might get the Nobel Peace Prize for Lit...
It starts with the seed...
HA!
Love ya Brie!
You know, the mouse scurrying in the corner trapped and the cat watches in amusement before he take the final bite...
He kicks it around some before this of course...
Then he clamps down...
I'm sorry to say that's the way it works. They have all done this. That's why we are all here.The best advice I can give is, as hard as,it is and as much as it hurts ,you must go no contact. Delete, Delete, Delete. Read all you can it takes a long time. Once you realize what he is you will start to heal. Stay strong and come here for support. You don't need some creepy guy controling your life. You deserve better. We all do. Again I'm very sorry for the challenge ahead of you. I've been there it will get better.
OXOX
There is a bit of a work tie, and I am working on a timeline for that, and then I can stop contact completely. Most of the personal is dwindling naturally. Thanks for your comments!
Hi SH - I read your story. Many similarities including the marriage issues and work tie. Please read mine "Morty's Story" and then we can compare notes. =) If it helps, I'm 13 months out. Still hurting and still angry but it definintely gets better with time, self-education and this board. I feel way better than I did 6 months ago and I know I'll feel even better 6 months from now. Everyone is right, you must at some point go NC. I know the work thing is hard and I'm glad you have a plan for that. The sooner you can break off ties with this creep the better.
Similar YES
Journey on...
Thanks, Journey, and everyone else
Your Narc doesn't see you as
I knew you would help
My book is here :P My ADD
Unless it was about....
I see it more like a cat and mouse
Sorry :(
Thank you, Ideal....
Still Hurting
Thanks, Morty.....