As I sit here pondering on how to really express my feelings, I just want to get it out. So I want to apologize ahead of time if I seem to be rambling and going in different directions.
Over the weekend, I was crying and crying. I've never felt such loneliness, such sadness and such hopelessness. Unlike my previous episodes of sadness and crying spells, this one was different. I tried to think about the N but I told myself, I cannot look back to the N for answers or wishing for things to be different if the N was not disordered. Acceptance, maybe? I am not so sure. All I know was, I cannot look to the N to save me anymore.
During work today, one of my friends who knows about the N said I was in a bad mood. She always see me smiling despite my sadness over the N. I told her, I don't think as much about the N anymore or rather I can block my thoughts over the N now---like REALLY!!! At first she didn't believe me but I told her, I cried so much over the weekend and just let myself feel every emotion and I realize I'm just tired of making myself sad over him.
However, as I was driving home today, I realized, I think this is what the mods and other members are talking about, that now I came face to face with ME and my issues.
As I was reading in this forum, I also realized that the reason for my sadness over this whole experience was something inside me broke and is broken forever. I know it has forever changed the way I view life. I never thought I could experience this deep of a pain that robbed me of my very soul. Will I ever be better? Will I be happy again?
I think the most heartbreaking part about this journey is not because I lost the Narc (as I thought initially) but it is because I LOST ME!!! I am mourning the loss of myself!!! I was looking at old pictures when I lived in Europe before meeting the N, and I was generally at peace and content with life. When I was staring at an old picture of me posing in my new neighborhood, little did I know that in a year, I will meet the person who will forever change my life.
Maybe I let this experience define me instead of strengthen me. I hope one day, I will prove myself wrong. I posted this before, 19 months ago, this person was not even a bleep in my radar.
Thanks for hearing me out!