Mourning THE LOSS!!!

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#1 Feb 11 - 8PM
Not-this-time
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Mourning THE LOSS!!!

As I sit here pondering on how to really express my feelings, I just want to get it out. So I want to apologize ahead of time if I seem to be rambling and going in different directions.

Over the weekend, I was crying and crying. I've never felt such loneliness, such sadness and such hopelessness. Unlike my previous episodes of sadness and crying spells, this one was different. I tried to think about the N but I told myself, I cannot look back to the N for answers or wishing for things to be different if the N was not disordered. Acceptance, maybe? I am not so sure. All I know was, I cannot look to the N to save me anymore.

During work today, one of my friends who knows about the N said I was in a bad mood. She always see me smiling despite my sadness over the N. I told her, I don't think as much about the N anymore or rather I can block my thoughts over the N now---like REALLY!!! At first she didn't believe me but I told her, I cried so much over the weekend and just let myself feel every emotion and I realize I'm just tired of making myself sad over him.

However, as I was driving home today, I realized, I think this is what the mods and other members are talking about, that now I came face to face with ME and my issues.

As I was reading in this forum, I also realized that the reason for my sadness over this whole experience was something inside me broke and is broken forever. I know it has forever changed the way I view life. I never thought I could experience this deep of a pain that robbed me of my very soul. Will I ever be better? Will I be happy again?

I think the most heartbreaking part about this journey is not because I lost the Narc (as I thought initially) but it is because I LOST ME!!! I am mourning the loss of myself!!! I was looking at old pictures when I lived in Europe before meeting the N, and I was generally at peace and content with life. When I was staring at an old picture of me posing in my new neighborhood, little did I know that in a year, I will meet the person who will forever change my life.

Maybe I let this experience define me instead of strengthen me. I hope one day, I will prove myself wrong. I posted this before, 19 months ago, this person was not even a bleep in my radar.

Thanks for hearing me out!

Feb 12 - 11PM
ForeverFreedom
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You will get yourself back

Feb 13 - 3PM (Reply to #38)
Not-this-time
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Thank you forever freedom!

Feb 12 - 9PM
K_S
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Awe I love this post! It's SO

Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #36)
Not-this-time
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K_S, one of my friends did

Feb 12 - 8PM
Not-this-time
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I just want to say, thank you

Feb 12 - 10PM (Reply to #34)
Sickofhim
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Right there alongside u

Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #32)
leslieisback
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NTT

Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
Not-this-time
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Yes, definitely agree! I

Feb 12 - 12PM
brinamarie
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Hindsight is def 20/20. I,

Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #25)
Not-this-time
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Brinamarie, regarding about

Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #30)
brinamarie
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Xoxo

Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
K_S
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Agree with this too. I'm not

Feb 12 - 10PM (Reply to #29)
Not-this-time
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K_S and brinamarie, I

Feb 12 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
brinamarie
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Codependent isnt necessarily

Feb 12 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Not-this-time
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Brinamarie, this is how I

Feb 12 - 11AM
IncognitoBurrito
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In time

Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #23)
Not-this-time
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IncognitoBurrito, I love your

Feb 12 - 6PM (Reply to #21)
leslieisback
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Every day is a little easier.

Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Not-this-time
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Yes, leslie! One of my

Feb 11 - 10PM
SunshineandLight
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You are stronger

Feb 12 - 8PM (Reply to #19)
Not-this-time
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Sunshineandlight, your reply

Feb 11 - 9PM
Garden
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"All I know was, I cannot

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #16)
Not-this-time
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Garden, thank you for your

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #17)
leslieisback
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Garden

Feb 11 - 9PM
Sickofhim
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Trauma

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #9)
Not-this-time
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Yes, so true SOH! I am

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #10)
Sickofhim
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Exactly. What happened to us

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #11)
leslieisback
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Yes, I will not let this

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #12)
Sickofhim
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Excellent news!!!

Feb 11 - 10PM (Reply to #13)
leslieisback
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I have always tried not to