More info please.....

37 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Dec 29 - 5AM
bgirl
bgirl's picture

More info please.....

I have read so many times that is you break NC and go back with the fairytale train of thought that he will be better this time....that he can change...he will be better etc....that it will be 'worse' abuse than the first time around...Can anyone who's been back more than once plz tell me how it is worse? Wouldn't he be more mindful after suffering and injury of sorts? Thank you.

Dec 29 - 1PM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

Good advice from everyone,

Good advice from everyone, they get meaner and crueler cause they feel we are weak and their control over us becomes worse and worse, they will stop at nothing. After 2nd breakup, mine pursued with everything he could think of because his prior hoover attempts hadn't worked. He spent thousands of $$ and I took the bait, figuring I was benefitting too (shopping, Caribbean vacation, monthly massages). I knew what I was getting into and didn't allow him to suck me in, I went pretending I was acting in a movie and accepted everything with a thank you. The D&D came a few days after we got back from vacation cause I didn't fall for the BS or the "I love yous" on vacation. I said "thank you". He immediately started the cruel treatment..days after telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me! At first sign I blocked him and went NC for 4 months. I thought he wants to use me for supply, I'll use him right back and at least get something out of it for all the aggravation. I even said that to him. Still didn't stop him from hoovering after the block ended, they just don't give up. His final words to me were "this isn't going to work, we have control issues", meaning he wanted to control me and I wasn't having any of that and made sure he knew I meant it this time. The final hoover was all about his sexual perversions and getting me to cooperate, or be manipulated and controlled to do what he was asking. No thanks...NC NC NC!!!!!
Dec 29 - 11AM
drcrnp
drcrnp's picture

Worse and worse

After almost 6 months NC I am emerging from the fog of pain and confusion. Going back absolutely is just keeing the unattainable fantasy alive. The N knows no remorse and has no concept of trying harder or averting further hurts - because he has not been hurt. I banged my head against that wall from December 2010 to July 2011. I started reading about Ns in the Spring but it took many months and a blatant, cruel betrayal with a new OW for me to finally know that I had to let go of my fantasy about "love" with the N. And knowing it in your brain does not = knowing it in your heart!!!!! I ached for him, took him back in April after D&D in December 2010. Showered him with loving care during surgery in April 2011 and got betrayed less than 2 months later. Not only did I feel pain from the cheating, but I felt stupid, stupid, stupid for allowing myself to go back to that vulnerable place after the first horrific put-down. When my son was 2 he put his hand on the side of the barbecue. He never did it again. We must learn to be as smart as our babies. If it hurts, stay away. *hugs* It is so awful, but really it does get better.
Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #35)
nomoredenial
nomoredenial's picture

In short

For me it was like pushing my boundries out and the lmits of what I would accept a little farther. I think both he and I thought I would NEVER put up with the things I did. The game of fine I will leave then...worked for him because I just wanted him back and I was willing to accept all the shit just to have the RELIEF of having him there. This time it backfired on him, he played the same caar..fine I will leave and I decided I had had enough. It feels like taking them back over and over shows the deseration
Dec 29 - 11AM
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi bgirl...

Hi bgirl, I had broken up and made up with my CN 27 times. No joke. It is crazy. I think I told you this recently. Each time you go back, it gives your N more power and control. He sees you as weak in wanting and going back to him. He never learns a lesson, because his false self thinks he is fine and entitled to molding you into his false self which is a mirror of perfection. He wants you to satisfy only his needs. My N would say every time I went back to him, "Well Honey, I think I just put the saddle on the wild horse. I think I finally broke you in. Maybe, this time, you finally realized that you just might lose the Captain so you decided to finally accept the Captain for who he is warts and all. It is who I am, I am not going to change. You just have to decide whether I am your man or not." ...My N owned a boat and every day, he referred to himself as the Captain...but we all know that, that really means, I am a control freak and narc!! So, when you go back to him, he is hoping you have become more submissive to his will, it is not the other way around...hope this helps you bgirl :) Oh, another thought here is...Maybe, it also gets worse each time we go back because the more empowered we become in figuring our N out, he feels us getting stronger in ourselves. This would make him feel threatened and vulnerable to the possiblity that eventually we would abandon him. His job of keeping us under his thumb becomes even more difficult and his frustration increases. This increases the conflicts between the two partners...
Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #27)
Used
Used's picture

27times..... an you think he

27times..... an you think he thought you were getting stronger?....wtf.
Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #28)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Used...You don't begin to know all the facts ....

Being a bully and impulsivly reacting with your comments shows a gals immaturity. You don't know all the facts involved, to make your judgements. You sound like a scorned, angry child.
Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #29)
Used
Used's picture

We would know the facts if

We would know the facts if you had told us them instead of putting facts up we already know about...... oh, btw....PLEASE NO NAME CALLING ,ITS VERY CHILDISH....
Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #30)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I see you have been a member for 2 yrs...

I see you have been a member for 2 yrs. I thought this was a growing up forum not a hate fest. I have been on here for 2 wks. I don't need to stoop to the level that you are at. I believe in being real and being understanding. Hate just seems to spill out of some people who don't really like themselves...enough said...You can keep it up, but I wont join in your non-sense or game here!
Dec 29 - 1PM (Reply to #33)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

You are most likely still experiencing cognative dissonance

In one post you say that your narc is not the same as ours. Not sure what this means, not as bad? Worse? Then you mention that you left him 27 times. Jeeze he must have been doing something to provoke you that many times. I only left mine a few times and he was a real bute. God bless, Goldie Please do not speak down to USED, she is a moderator here and deserves your respect. She has helped 100's of members here with no compensation aside from their healing and gratitude which is very important to her. If you do not care for her comment refrain from responding or send me a PM with your concerns. Thank you for understanding our Forum Guideline's
Dec 29 - 12PM (Reply to #31)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Virginia

Used , Spinning, Journey, Goldie , and myself .. Moderate this site.. May I suggest you read the about us section.. The Mods are here to help not bully..we see things going on here .. A PM has been sent to you.. Hunter
Dec 29 - 1PM (Reply to #32)
virginia (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hi Hunter..

Hi Hunter, I posted a reply to Spinning before I received your message. I explained my position and why some people can't go fully NC yet. I am not encouraging it, I am dealing with people's reality as I do with mine. I work with my N on real estate deals. My comments are under my posted forum topic..How to deal with your N while keeping your reality. Just in case you had not read my explanation on my post yet. Maybe you have? I did post the other day some messages to one user who is still involved with her N until she can find a way to go NC...I honestly tried to keep messaging her in fear that she may not end up here tomorrow. I was very concerned about where she was at emotionally. After staying on this forum and messaging her for 2 days, she sent me a message stating that I knew her like a book and understood her. She told me that I saved her from a dark abyss, etc. Hopefully, my posts do help others too...Thanks for your response.
Dec 29 - 10AM
victimnomore
victimnomore's picture

Bgirl

I am not lying when I tell you that I went back about 10 times before he did me a favor and walked out and gave me a chance to see what I was dealing with. Every time that he came back he was sicker and sicker than the last time. His behavior became more insane. The last time that I took him back he hated me. He begged for 1 year for me to take him back and when i let him move back in he started the abuse right away. I felt like I had been hit by a train. I was stunned. I thought for sure that he had learned his lesson this time and he would treat me like a queen because I made him stay away for so long. WRONG! He planned to pay me back for making him get his own apartment and pay his own bills and take care of himself for 1 year. He punched me, kicked me and when i confronted him on his cheating he choked me so hard that I thought I was going to die. He left his hand print around my neck. I was so ashamed that I had fell for his lies that I refused to tell anyone so I endured his torture for 3 more years before he left. He pulled out guns and sat on the stairs while I locked myself in the bedroom afraid to come out and more importantly, afraid to call the police for fear of getting him locked up. Do you see the sick dance that I danced with him? He called another woman on the phone while having sex with me. I was this psycho's wife for 25 years and i meant nothing to him. His job was to tear me down and make me less than zero. The sex was crazy and he needed more and more deviance to become satisfied. (strap-ons) He once tried to stick a dildo in me while he was in me. (sick) . I was just an object for him to experiment on. They never change! They only get worse. Please never go back i am living proof of what you will have to endure if you go back. The good news is that he did not destroy me. I am recovering everyday. The best thing that he has ever done for me was to sneak and move out while i was at the store. You see I gave up. I couldn't fight him anymore and I made a conscious decision to just stay in the marriage and just try to survive and do what he want. but when he planned to destroy me by leaving me, He saved my life. The fog lifted after months of crying and lying in bed not being able to move. I was finally able to hear and feel my pain. I had stuffed it so far down and could never, ever face it. I was forced to face it and now 16 months later I am DIVORCED from the psycho. I have a peaceful life. I am still working on the pain as if runs really deep but I feel, deal and heal. He has no power or control over me anymore and that is the best gift he could have ever given me. Please don't even think that they will ever change. that thinking almost killed me. Peace for the new year!

victimnomore

Dec 29 - 10AM
TNR1
TNR1's picture

I went back for round 2 and 3

I went back for round 2 and 3 and I can assure you, things don't get better. I don't think it truly matters whether things stay status quo or get worse (wasn't status quo bad enough?). The point is, things don't get better because the Narc is incapable of changing. Sure, you go back, you feel you can handle it better because you are on to his games...until you realize that he is again changing the rules and you are again walking on eggshells. Going back is a trick that our minds and the Narc play on us...it implies that there was something "more" that we missed...let me tell you, you missed nothing. You got all that there was for him to give and he wasn't withholding or hiding anything from you. Going back is simply going back to what you got before..and aren't you done with that?? In the end, we all deserve someone who can share in our lives, not control our lives and not destroy our lives. For that, you will need to look at someone other than your exNarc(or any Narc for that matter). I wish you well in moving forward.
Dec 29 - 10AM
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

I spent 20 years with

I spent 20 years with exnarc. I suffered plenty of D&D''s and took him back on promises of a better him. That is what he was depending on happening with his last D&D, but I changed the story. In 20 years, nothing ever changed. They are not going to change, it is who they are. All we can change is us. Look at his pattern, that's who he is. There is no "come to Jesus moment" for them. They will manipulated if you let them. Not once in the 20 years I was married to him did he apologize for anything. I am the crazy exwife and the kids just have issues. Never has it crossed his mind, it is him. He is the only one who views us like that. Look at your pattern with him. Separate his views of who he thinks you are and who you know you are. You will find he is one messed up man. Truthfully, there is no injury when you go back. The injury is you staying away. If you go back, you just scared them for a moment. They thought they lost their power, but whew you came back-they still control you.
Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #23)
spinning
spinning's picture

Redhead1, this is brilliant...

...so true. We must change the script. We must change the pattern. We must become someone who no longer wants or desires to be abused, mistreated, in turmoil and pain. Obviously you have done the hard work! It is so hard, but aren't you so glad you see it clearly now? This is so awesome after 20 years, Redhead1. I commend you! Most sincerely, (not) spinning. JUST GRINNING AT ALL THE SAGE ADVICE AND HONEST PERSONAL REFLECTIONS OFFERED IN THIS THREAD.

spinning

Dec 29 - 9AM
rosedewittbukater
rosedewittbukater's picture

Second time around

bgirl please read this. http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/ I did go back, three times. I am here to tell you it gets worse and worse each time. How is it worse? I think the article does a good job of describing how. As for my personal experience, with each time the abuse just grew more blatant and the "mask" was really and truly off for good by the last round. It never gets better. xx, Rose
Dec 29 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
bgirl
bgirl's picture

bgirl please read

bgirl please read this. http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-... I did go back, three times. I am here to tell you it gets worse and worse each time. How is it worse? I think the article does a good job of describing how. As for my personal experience, with each time the abuse just grew more blatant and the "mask" was really and truly off for good by the last round. It never gets better. xx, Rose Thank you Rose....it was a straightforward, confronting and very enlightening article :D xx Bgirl
Dec 29 - 9AM
janemarie
janemarie's picture

I went back 3 times

Every time got worse because MY love for HIM grew stronger...(not his love for me) His manipulation and control of me got stronger. We got closer...our kids got closer... Yes...the first week or 2 was heaven...just like you want..just like you want the dream to turn out...then...CRASH!!!!! He got meaner, crueler, more violent, more punishing, and by this time...I moved in with him...uprooted my whole life with my children.... I lost a home...over 12k...personal possessions....basically had to start all over again... Myself and my children were left homeless...devestated with a major loss.... If I stayed NC the first time...I wouldnt have lost a thing, but wouldve gained self respect, self worth, self love and my 3 children wouldnt have felt a thing... NO CONTACT is best....They never change....Their egos grow while your self esteem plumets....till there is nothing left. I hope this gives you some insight to how bad it can get....
Dec 29 - 9AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Bottom line, speaking from my

Bottom line, speaking from my personal experience, for every time you go back for more, you confirm their own suspicions of you. In their minds, you are weak and pathetic if you return after the D & D and they lose more and more respect for you, and will torture you more than the last time. It's horrible, trust me. The hatred within them, they place within you and the D&D's get worst with each time. Until they have completely and utterly destroyed your soul. It's a victory only they can truly own and understand. Me, personally, would rather have root canal without novacane, before enduring that again. With needles in my eyes. Going back, breaking NC, is the worst thing you could ever do. The people on the Titanic had better odds of survival. Trust me.
Dec 29 - 11AM (Reply to #18)
heritage
heritage's picture

Once again, you have a way of

Once again, you have a way of getting through to me that causes me to be that much more glad I am so far away from him and also to feel better! Thanks.
Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #17)
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Excellent response Sparrow

What Sparrow just said!!! MOVE Forward and AWAY >>------>>>> God bless, Goldie
Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #16)
Used
Used's picture

sparrow

LOVE IT.... as you maybe know? i had a exnff, who i dropped after narc... she still catches me sometimes when i am out, i let her waffle on but i think....OMG HAVE A BIT OF RESPECT FOR YOURSELF AS I STAND THERE TAPPING MY FOOT WITH BOREDOM... In her own way she was good for me...in that she used to tell me what ego,s and the narc was like, until one day i thought how would she know all this and doesnt speak to him....she knew cos she was a female him....so yes she CLUED ME UP ABOUT HIM,BUT ALSO ABOUT HERSELF, COS THEY CANT RESIST BRAGGING...A LOT OF THEIR DOWN FALL IN MY OPINION...
Dec 29 - 9AM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

More Info

It wouldn`t help you if he COULD change (and I agree with everyone that they can`t, unless it`s to get worse), because you wouldn`t trust him anymore. That way, YOU`VE changed - and thank God for that! You`ve lost your naievete, your innocence and willingness to surrender, your faith in unconditional love. What does Eve grieve the loss of more, the serpent slithering on his belly dripping charm from every pore or her own innocence? There is no going back because he cannot change and your change is irreversible. This is where we have the advantage - we can evolve, they can`t. Evolution cannot be reversed because it is the path forward and the path forward only goes forwards, not backwards. So you can try going back, but you are only making the inevitable more long-drawn-out and painful than it need be. You are also wasting your own life, but a lot of people don`t seem to care about that. I`M not going to do it any more. Love Tigerlily
Dec 29 - 8AM
Used
Used's picture

bgirl

Why would you expect him to change?, when he treated you like ABSOLUTE RUBBISH, and yet you still go back....SO WHY WOULD HE CHANGE? I SAW MY NARC TODAY, APPARENTLY HE HAS BEEN GOING TO WERE I GO NOW FOR 8DAYS...I HAVENT BEEN OUT AS I AM ILL... I WOULDNT EVEN WANT HIM, IF HE COULD CHANGE....I ALREADY KNOW WHO HE IS AND WHAT HE HAS DONE.... WOULD ANYONE GO OUT WITH A SERIAL KILLER, WHO SAYS HE HAS CHANGED....IT DOESNT CHANGE WHAT HE IS, WHAT HE DONE, AND WHAT HE ALWAYS WILL BE...
Dec 29 - 8AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I think part of the answer

I think part of the answer lies in the question of why are we focusing still on what the narc will or won't do! The Narc might try to put on the mask of love, adoration, normalcy, whatever. Ususally it lasts only a very short time. Our part in the drama has to do with why would we subject ourselves to more abuse and suffering and pain after what has already occured. It is the crumbs question we read about. Why would we accept scraps and chaos...why would we accept being treated like a bad dog? We have to take the focus off of them or we will never heal. Less about what the narc does, and more about how we react to it, how it affects us, how it makes us feel, why we would even consider going back for another round. We made it about them, but it was always about us. ds
Dec 29 - 7AM
Layla
Layla's picture

Here you go! : ))

http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/reconciling-with-a-psychopath-the-dangerous-lure-of-the-honeymoon-phase/ And yes, they do get worse and they never get better- at all! Take it from someone who took hers back MANY times....it's all bullshit.....I was hoovered a whole bunch of times before I educated myself and found myself on this site..... love~ Layla
Dec 29 - 10AM (Reply to #11)
13Moons13
13Moons13's picture

Awesome link. You guys are

Awesome link. You guys are so amazing to me. I'm not sure I would have ever gotten through this emotional train wreck without finding this site. I am still a wreck, but trying to be positive. I am so grateful to be here.
Dec 29 - 8AM (Reply to #10)
spinning
spinning's picture

Ditto to what Layla says...

...Once you understand what you are dealing with you WOULD NEVER CONSIDER RE-ENGAGING WITH AN ABUSER. It never changes and only gets worse. I have been there. I didn't know what a hoover was and I let him in after 21 days of NC and let myself in for 12 more months of hell (though he professed he would "change" and a brutal ABANDONMENT D & D (he literally changed his phone number and vanished from the area) while my dad was dying. Lovely. It was a PERFECT SET UP and I allowed it. You must fully understand what you are dealing with here. It's not about love. It's about control. Period. You will never be secure. You will never be certain. Whatever you do will never be "good enough" and the cycle will continue and more time will tick by wasted. Yuck! I hope this helps, bgirl. It's the stone cold truth. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH TO EVER SPIN AGAIN OVER ANY MAN, OVER ANYONE.

spinning

Dec 29 - 7AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

I have been reading your

I have been reading your posts and I agree with Goldie.. What are you doing to move forward?? Understanding the disorder is key.. Your suffering from CD... Round and Round like Broken record .. That's what happens when you engage with PD's Hunter
Dec 29 - 6AM
Tigerlily
Tigerlily's picture

Yes, I can!

When you go back, firstly he despises you even more because you`ve shown that (a) you are too weak to exist without him, (b) your word doesn`t mean a toss, (c) you are prepared to accept his cruelty rather than be alone. Secondly, he has an enormous grudge and resentment against you for having left him in the first place and is determined to punish you, finish you off actually. And thirdly, if he hoovers at all, it`s only because he has no other supply. He knows you already. He`s sucked the best from you already. You are the lowest form of food on his chain of supply, like a rag doll right at the bottom of the toy chest that an extremely bored child might pass the time dismembering if it can`t find anything else to do. There may at the start of hoovering be a brief "honeymoon" period before the next cruelty comes. But the honeymoon period becomes shorter and shorter, and the cruelty more and more horrendous, the CD worse and your self-esteem just vanishes. I don`t think anyone else will tell you ANY different. So please don`t even think about it. Staying NC is our only chance to regain our sanity, peace of mind and self-respect. Hugs Tigerlily