From Love to Obsession:????

I had to add I don't care what he's doing anymore or who he's with cuz I know his life is a lie. But I do find myself thinking does he think of me, will he try to contact me (been NC for over 4 1/2 months-longest was 6 months when I contacted him just I found out he had been telling friends he missed me. I WILL NOT contact him this time!) And I'm curious as to what he's getting away with w/in his fake life. And hoping that people are seeing him for what he is. some are and have said you are NEVER welcome in my life again. I was so strong a couple days ago but I bolted out of bed at 4 a.m. w/major anxiety but got ready for work, walked to my front door and broke down.shaking sweats wanting to throw up and probably going to get in trouble for missing work.I felt pathetic. I guess I want him to think I was the BEST supply he'll ever have. And then KNOW IN MY HEART HE'LL NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN W/ME!

Hi ladies. I didn't post my story yet, but I just wanted to share, that there is a difference between "normal processing" the past with the new knowledge, after you realized that he is a narcissist and you have been abused and manipulated or "becoming stuck in obsessive thoughts". I've been there several times, after a while it does get better, only though when you are in complete NC. But when the image of his false self dies in you, and the anger is gone, you might start to feel very empty. That's the critical point in the whole process of grieveing. You will feel very depressed and you have to reorginize your thoughts again to something different, something non-dramatic. If you allow this emtiness to sink, and you start to refocus on something positive, what ever it is, maybe a pet or a child in your life, that gives you back the faith in true love and goodness in the world, then he will disapeatr out of your mind. But dealing with the emptiness will cost you alot of strength, since the whole drama gave life such a significance, that is suddenly gone. Then it is sometimes dangerous, I went back a thousand times to thinking about him - just because I was bored and couldn't deal with this empty feeling, it was like better feeling pain than feeling so depressed. Hugs ladies, it does get better, god knows I was in hell, and now I am seeing the light again.

This article is relevant to this - not particularly well written but the content is good - and in particular the responses people have to someone that invalidates them and the amount of introspection we all sit here doing. For most of us this constant unproductive negative self-criticism has become habitual. Remember before the N/P...how often did you think or judge your thoughts? How often did you think about your feelings and determine that they "meant" something? I think this habit set up by the nutcases we've been involved with is the root of the problem. If it wasn't a habit before then there's ample hope it won't be after. Breaking a habit is difficult but we can retrain our minds and thoughts and time will help with this. We'll all be okay in time. http://www.astro-mate.org/Difficult.htm

I don't agree with the 15 minute thing. I've got PTSD that is improving by leaps and bounds since I left the marital home. I've asked my therapist numerous times when the hell this stuff is going to stop. Her answer is always that it will stop when I'm ready and I will get past things in whatever time it takes me to. I argue that she's just being nice and not putting a time frame on it so I don't beat myself up for failing. She just smiles. I've learned to not set a time limit on my recovery but I have also developed ways to stop the thinking. For example, if the thought starts to hover around how he may have changed, I recall how he was a narcissist before I met him and Ns don't change. I didn't cause his malfunction so just because I've left him doesn't mean he's turned into some saint. *gag* Early on in my recovery I thought about him, the GF, the marriage, the abuse, ALL the time. Driving to work, eating dinner, going on a hike. He was always there and I wanted to just shake my head to get the cooties out of there. There are days where I don't think about him at all. Sure, with the PTSD someone may say something or look a certain way and it will remind me of a traumatic event. But I don't react as I used to either. No more panic attacks in the ladies room for me. So, I think that saying if you think about things for longer than 15 minutes that those things won't be resolved, is something I would not agree with. I'm proof that you can be totally screwed up and rise above it. Well, most days anyway. :-)

Betty, so sorry you're having to deal with the loss of your niece, alongside the trauma from the N! xo I worried about the obsessive thought thing, too, but then I realized it's very natural after going through what we've been through and I'm convinced that because we've all had to delve into psychological readings so much, thanks to the N's crappy behaviour, we start to worry about having OCD or something. It's like we've submerged ourselves so much in this stuff that things enter our thoughts when reading that really aren't US. I hope this makes sense. I notice that you are always sending us really helpful information that you've gathered from your readings/experiences, as that is your caring nature, so it kind of puts you in a position maybe of absorbing more than you should be at this time of dealing with your loss of a loved one? xo

This is a very interesting topic and one that I have thought about myself. 15 minutes...i dont know about that. So first of all...Unfortunately as my therapist says, this is a life time scar, it is not something i am going to forget about and to expect that is setting myself up for disappointment. She made the following analogy (i love my therapist).. when you fall down and get hurt and get a bloody wound it hurts, you look at it all the time, change the bandages, its constantly on your mind, in your daily activities. Overtime it heals and years later even though the scar is there, when you look at it you just glance at think oh yeah, i fell and got hurt, that sucked. I think our emotional progression is similiar...depending on the nature of the injury. Either way eventually we will come to that point where we wont forget what happened but be able to redirect our thoughts and emotions a lot faster and not dwell. A good way to measure ourselves after a while is to think about how we deal with similar emotional trauma..say the death of someone. It it normal to remember our lost ones, feel sad, think about it, but then pick ourselves back up. I believe this board is indicative that time heals all wounds, and reducing the obsessive thinking is s a process. Just seeing the range of women on this board we can see the different stages of obsessive thinking. Generally speaking...Our newcomers are so angry that they replay the current events all the time having feelings of revenge. People 3-6 months out are still trying to make sense of the why, is it me, what happened. People 1 year out seem to understand its him and are finding ways to heal and move forward. People that are years out seem to be truly thriving and living again...but even they have not forgotten or else they wouldnt be here. But one thing seems consistent, the longer we go NC and make efforts to understand and accept what we cannot change (the N) we get better at the obsessive thinking! Remember that most obsessive thinking also involves doubting. That is why OCD is also called "the doubting disease". When needing to check things over and over again, realize the fact that you are actually doubting yourself when you feel the need to recheck. Checking and rechecking is a known symptom of OCD! And you know that we all need to recheck with our situations because they are so intensely crazy!! Don't put yourself down. Write it down, talk it out, determine your triggers. At first you may have to put a lot of effort into replacing negative thoughts with positive, but soon that will become habit. Your mind will let go when its ready. XOXO

Yes, absolutely. I have had many thoughts of total and utter terror because of the obssession. I have had times where I've thought, "This won't end until one of us kills the other." It's like I'm watching myself do these crazy things and have no control over it. Remember the movie, "The Wolfman?" where Lon Chaney, Jr.'s character would wake up in the morning and think, "Oh, my God, what did I do last night?Did I kill someone?" That was me, over and over. It got to be that every single morning my first waking thought would be, "What did I say to him last night?" "Who did I email screaming about him?" "Did I vandalize his property?" "Did the police come?" "Did I call Child Protective Services?" "Did I scream at him in the street?" And then, always, always, "I hope he still talks to me." Sick, sick, sick. I'm so vastly improved already, but I'm terrified that the obssession could return any time.

Betty, Just looking at that article - it is riddled with judgment. I agree with the others who have posted about Cognitive Dissonance. It's absolutely normal behavior for a person to be conflicted after a D&D and especially after having been abused by someone who you once believed would have never hurt you - - and especially if everyone around that person thinks he's great - - or if he has already moved on to someone else and you're left wondering, "What did I do wrong to make him stop loving me?" "Is she getting the best of him?" "What does she have that I don't have." We take it all on ourselves because it's human nature to want to correct something if there was a mistake made - so you don't make the same mistake again. It's survival. We do this from the time we are born. Problem: He cannot be corrected and you have done nothing wrong. There is no logic involved here. It defies logic, so you are left stuck trying to create a solution to a trick question. You cannot control your thoughts, but you can control your judgments. I like what Lisa has said about just telling your thoughts to F@$# off :) You can honor the emotion though behind that thought. Feel that emotion. Recognize it and may even write it down. "I'm feeling . . ." That has been helping me. Recognizing the emotion and not judging my thoughts. The only obsession btw - I think - is the narcissists obsession with seducing you to begin with. He zeroed in on his target didn't he.

I think the obsessive thoughts are down to cognative dissonance which is caused by holding on to two conflicting ideas at the same time .ie. he is good , he is bad . the brain needs to settle for one otherwise it keeps thinking untill it does .. And it does in the end . With no contact . It is a soup we have to wade through. My obsessive thoughts have died right down and thats at 6 monnths nc if they crop up then i can stop them when i notice it happening .I put this down to nc and writing and learning about the condition . The best indecation of what is normal or not is to read the storys on the board and listern to the women who have been with a narc . We are having a normal reactions to an abnormal person , All girlfriennds here have had ossessive thoughts... so its normal , the ones who are further along with nc will tell you it gets better .You can look at it as obssesive thoughts are part of healing ,disturbing as they can be it its all part of the prossess .There are many things we can do to lessen them , for me afirming that i am a normal loving, giving person was a great one for me , i would stop the obsessive thought in my head and say "Scoop ..shut up...youre great ,he is the cray one and you have evedence to prove it " and i would go look in my book of all the narc things he said or did . It helps big time , at the start i had to do this many times in a day . When i look back over the last 6 months and compair how i was at the begining of no contact to now ... well i am so much better , sure i have my down days but there are more good than bad . I wanted to keep compairing this to a normal break up and i would be so over it by now , but i have never had a relationship with a narcissist before , it takes time . Big Love to you xxx

You sound so desperate, Betty, and I feel so sorry for you. Try to take the focus away from that relationship for a moment and think about your own life from early on: Was there anything that you haven't come to terms with and that has come back through this man? Could it possibly even have been the reason you were drawn to him? And please don't say "but I have had perfectly normal relationships all my life, so it cannot be that." I had and have those and then I couldn't resist a narcissist. Robert Burney points out why this is so, he explains about obsession (just google "The dance of wounded souls"). I read your story and with that horrible ending you have had no chance to recover, so now all you see is that relationship. Do try to look inside yourself - please?

Having been freshly D&D'd, I can completely relate to the obsessiveness...to the point where I want revenge. But, as my therapist reminded me, it won't do any good because they don't have any feelings. I would still like to totally embarrass the hell out of him since that is what seems to bother him.

"Research studies have shown that if we can not resolve and issues within our minds within 15 minutes; it is unlikly that it will ever be resolved." Not too sure about that! I definately think it becomes an obsession....thinking of them, rehashing the events, intrusive thoughts, cognitive dissonance etc But, that is part of PTSD isn't it? And no, PTSD is not healthy....but it is normal to have it after a relationship like this I think. I guess it depends what a person does with this.... I think as long as one is doing things to overcome this - therapy, meds if necessary, no contact - then that person is healthy and being proactive in their mental health. If the person is continuing contact and subjecting themselves to more abuse, then it is unhealthy.