Life is a state of mind

9 posts / 0 new

#1 Jan 13 - 11AM

Goldie

Life is a state of mind

I just read what Betty posted the other day and it says it all for me. I know that it is near impossible to feel this in the beginning of N/C. When the emotions are raw and the feelings need to come out and this is o.k. just keep getting them out and as you move past all of that and begin to get yourself back, it is a beautiful thing to realize that we have control over our thoughts, choices, and the direction in which we want our lives to take. The steps help so much with this process and to get to this point.

Thanks again Betty, another great empowering post!!

God bless,
Goldie

#2 Jan 14 - 2PM

momoya

happiness

when I was so sad, after a while I HAD to get out of it. I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck, confused, in a haze. Exercise and yoga helped me so much. At some stage I told myself that my happiness was my new exercise, just the way I exercised my body I wanted to work on being happier in the moment. We have to choose it and want it and seek it out. Eventually you will no longer go through the motions and you will laugh again one day and see a healed glimpse of yourself. momoya

momoya

#3 Jan 14 - 2PM (Reply to #8)

Briseis

Exactly :) This is a

Exactly :) This is a deliberate choice you made, and continue to make, every day. It is natural to be drawn back down the path of least resistance -- the negative. They say our brains are hardwired to focus more easily on the negative b/c it promotes survival. But when the Narc is "gone" and no longer looming over your every day existence, like water runs down hill, focusing on the negative just happens. That's why recovery is a deliberate choice, and involves a willingness to let go. And it is different for everyone, how this ends up happening. I needed almost an entire year to bounce back. Some can bounce back much more quickly. Some people are serious, hard core bouncers :) . I'm somewhere in the middle. I love your last line, "one day see a healed glimpse of yourself". I wish everyone would take a few moments and see that healed version of yourself. What would it look like? Hell, it's YOUR life, your dream, your SELF. Whatever you want. Dare it :)

#4 Jan 13 - 10PM

Susan32

Acknowledging the emotions

After the final D&D, I have never cried so much before or since. It was devastating. There are the feelings of anger, pain, betrayal, humiliation, and they are VERY real feelings. One can legitimately feel guilty, lost, confused, sad, despairing, and remorseful--but it's about what one does with the feelings. I've done vipassana meditation, and it's about observing one's feelings. It's about observing them, not judging them. The ex-Psych professor was constantly judging my feelings. He couldn't stand seeing me be sad... but on the same token, he couldn't stand seeing me be happy either. Once you acknowledge your emotions, and make an acquaintance with them, you know how to handle them. Wallowing in sadness&anger is different from acknowledging the sadness&anger and handling them in a mature way.

#5 Jan 13 - 1PM

Briseis

Everyone is tested. We have

Everyone is tested. We have been "rolled through the fiery furnace". And what we do with our experiences is a testament to our character. And character is everything.

#6 Jan 13 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

blueeyes

Goldie, Betty and Briseis

I whole heatedly agree that life is exactly what you make of it. Your personality and who you choose to become is souly in your hands. Of course there are terminally ill patients with limitations, but I've met some of the best terminally ill personalities and they are humbled. That is their choice, to be humble about the fact that they are terminal. When your abused by a PDI there is a huge emotional trauma to follow. Some people choose to stay and wallow asking "when is he/she gonna change?" Then there are some people that look the PDI abuse in the EYE and say "whoa, this is WRONG and I will not except this sorta treatment." I agree that in the beginning when your trying hard to understand the complexity of the disordered, it's almost surreal. Right after the initial shock of "how the hell did I let this happen" subsides, it's in your hands on what you chose to do with the awakening. Oh Lord, I don't wanna preview my post but I think I babbled. I'm sorry :)

#7 Jan 14 - 1AM (Reply to #3)

ClusterF

Yikes

"Life truly is not about the events that take place. Its not about who did what and how they did it. It has everything with how we take these events and look at the bigger picture so we can make the right choices going forward. Its about how we respond to the events in life that make the difference. We can choose to wallow, have self-pity. We can choose to live in despair, feel angry,remorseful,vengeful, guilty, lost,confused and sad. But then again we can choose not to. Life is really a state of mind. And the choice is only ours to define the direction our life takes." I'm gonna probably be persona non grata here but no. How we react to wrongs done to us of course is everything but blame should be placed where blame is appropriate. This statement takes the responsibility from the perpetrator and places it on the victim for reacting or not reacting in a constructive way. Fear is NOT a choice. Victimization is NOT a choice. The assholes need to have their society licenses revoked. It's not us. The psychopath took my life away and I'm supposed to be ZEN about it?

#8 Jan 14 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Briseis

OOoooo you are such a

OOoooo you are such a persona non grata :P I look forward to your posts because you are a good solid thinker and not afraid to take an idea and take a few bites out of it :) Everything you said is absolutely RIGHT. What this idea means is not applicable during the abuse. It's not applicable in any sense until that moment of awareness occurs. In a situation like mine, it took months (actually just short of a year) for me to fully be capable of making a solid choice about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. Up until that point, my ability to do this was growing but it was like a new plant, barely sprouted, very tender and vulnerable. We are not talking in any way about blame of ourselves for anything. "Blame" gets people stuck on it and I wish I could put it into words better than this, but "blame" has NO part in this anywhere. OF COURSE we know where the blame lies, it is a no brainer. But "blame" is a fact, and it's not an ongoing issue. I do not agree that this idea takes responsibility away from the perpetrator. Instead, it puts the appropriate responsibility on the victim, to take the action they can take to free themselves. The victim is never at fault for the abuse they endured, and they are NOT at fault for the ongoing damage and issues that come from that damage. Please take a minute to think about this (not just you, ClusterF, everyone). What the victim is responsible FOR is what they DO, how they RESPOND to the presence of this damage. IOW, the victim is responsible to get help, take their recovery into their own hands. I could spend my time focusing on the wrongs done to me. I could exceed the character limit in this post with it all. I do not focus on how much I lost, on how many years I lost, at the unfairness of it all. I believe this is a choice. We can't remove their society licenses. As much as I completely agree with you :D . I'm powerless there. So I turn my attention to what I do have power to do. Keep them the f*ck away from me. The psychopath took your life away from you for as long as you remained under his immediate influence. People take their lives back at all stages, many while still "in", and many more some months afterward, some even years afterward. You aren't supposed to be Zen about anything. You are "supposed" to take ownership of your life right now, today, and steer it in the direction that you want it steered. Anything else is waiting for someone or something else to come in and steer your ship. You spent however many years with a psychopath steering your ship. Is he still in your life/house/bed? If not, then who's steering your ship? Not HIM. And finally, not choosing is making a choice. You can't NOT choose.

#9 Jan 14 - 4AM (Reply to #4)

Goldie

Yes, you are right

This is what this post says. I had my life taken away. I had to drop out of school where I was happy and excelling. My house was destroyed. My bank account was cleaned out. My self esteem, self respect and reputatation was destroyed. My body was injured. I was left in a heap of tears, destruction, fear, and with little hope in sight of ever feeling right again. My friends thought I had been a fool and offered very little support because they felt I had cooked my own goose and did not want to be a party to my negative destructive lifestyle imposed on me by the narc. Then to add insult to injury: My basement flooded and I lost everything in my bedroom. I lent my car to a friend and he near totalled it and I had no collision insurance. I had to go to court and face legal problems brought on to me by the Narc. I then had a couple more people come along and take full advantage of me in my weakened state. I sunk about as low as a human being wants to sink. I was all alone in my house with no help, support, or respect from anyone because the general opinion was that this was all of my own making for choosing to stay with the Narc; even though I had to call the police to get him out 11 times and he is now in jail for all that he did to me. I pushed many people away because I was sick of listening to their bullshit and general lack of understanding for what I had just gone through. The people from my church acted like I was being punished for something bad I had done. I could easily have decided to call it a day and completely retreat from the human race. Having said all of this and now well on my way in my recovery. I still want to be zen about this because if I live with blame, fear, guilt, and anger in my heart. I will never be right again. I went through those stages and yes, it was good to get it all out and to feel those feelings and express those emotions; I now need to move on from this and put it all behind me. I am a survivor and I will let no one take me down and having this man in my head is not the path I choose to take. We all need to find our own path of recovery, truth, healing, and self discovery and for me helping other women who still suffer from the effects of this devastation has been extrememly healing for me, renewing my faith in my spirtuality, putting the focus back on my life, dreams, goals, and choices is what is working for me. I need to build myself back up again to assure that something like this can never happen to me again. Does this attitude of mine make sense to everyone? No of course not. I am saying that this is what is working for me. I am beginning to feel better and more connected to myself than ever before in my life and yes this experience has changed me on many levels and I will never be the same again. I choose to believe today, 9 months N/C, that it has made me a better person. A person more determined than ever to lead the life that I always wanted to lead. I have a strength and a courage today that I never dreamt possible. Life is precious and I don't want to waste another day giving my power away to anyone who would even think of trying to take me down. I want to be very zen about this and learn from this and while he did take the spendor in the grass and the loving little bambi girl from me. I have turned into a stronger more confident warrior princess, vampire slayer, a survivor who is at long last learning to like and love herself a little bit more each day. Coming on this site and reading all the stories, posts, and recovery options available to me has been a huge part of my healing process. I have watched the various approaches that people on here have taken in their recovery and this is the one which works best for me today. I have noticed in life that when people sink so low that they don't want to get up again, they have a choice as to which path they want to take after all the dust has settled and the emotions and pain have for the most part been delt with: they can keep revisiting the injury, wound, pain or they can find; a better way; a better life; try a different path. This I believe is the choice part. Am I going to allow this horror to define me or am I going to get out for good and eventually move on from this. Lisa and Betty are role models for this behavior and many others who have come and gone from this board. They give me the strength and courage to get back on with my life and have hope again when I thought I had lost everything. This is the beginning of my life by no means the end. God bless, Goldie

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews