A letter to the OW

I'm new to commenting on this site altho I have been reading comments on it for some time to verify what I'd been thru was indeed a N relationship and to fortify myself when I was feeling weak. My guy friend was the usual - smooth, intelligent, charming, educated, religious good looking, well dressed, thought I was the whole thing or so he said, etc!! I met him online and he lived 5 hours from me. We were both in our late 50's-early 60's. We seemed to have the same values and beliefs. After emailing and phoning for a month, we met in January 2008. Fast forward to May 2008, he did two things that scared me and I broke up with him. My journal notes at that time show I labeled him "a wolf in sheep's clothing". And I had the underlying feeling something wasn't right, but I couldn't put my finger on it. A month later, I decided perhaps I had been too hard on him and emailed seeing if he wanted to ease back into the RL - he did. We broke up for good in January 2010 and I am just now feeling free. When we parted, we agreed to email every day (there is a practical reason for that)which I did until he started dating again in December 2010. It occurred to me that I was becoming dependent on the emails and if he got interested in another female, it would not be good. After advising him I wanted to cut back, I went with once a month. I "unfriended" him on Facebook at Christmas time after reading things on his wall that made me feel bad. I sent him my January email and he replied. Several weeks later, he emailed saying Good Bye. Here is part of what he said: *** Because I know that if she were communicating with men she had dated and still cared-about in previous relationships, I would feel somewhat uncomfortable -- I want to give to her the gift of my not communicating with another women. And, I want to be totally free to grow in a relationship that can lead to a one-man / one-woman commitment. **** I sent him a short rather angry email. I did it for a reason - to put things back in his lap. BTW, he did the same "cut off other female thing" several months into our RL. She is not the OW, but I feel like I have information she should know about. I have asked several professionals about it and altho I somewhat agree with their thoughts, I HATE that he may hurt her like he did me. She is a 2 year widow from a 40 year marriage and 68 years old. It drives me nuts. I could message her on Facebook offering information (my side of the story)if she wanted. In his January email, he indicated she was asking the same questions about his divorce and RLs several times and he was trying to win her trust. GRRR!! Has anyone ever tried to tell/warn the "new" gal?? And I worry a little about repercussions from him as he has a home in my area that he doesn't live in. Thank you for any thoughts you can give me. As you know, there is a lot more information and incidents, but I wanted to keep it as brief as possible. And I have other questions about his behavior, but will save for another time. Sincerely, OnlyChild

Wow, I have goosebumps right now. This letter is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. You are very gracious and clearly see as Anne said: "Sometimes we forget that the OW is just a victim, like we are." I commend you for expressing yourself in this way. You are making incredible strides in your recovery! Kudos to you! xoxo

That was a beautiful letter, that shows alot of strength and character... Good things are on the horizon...the universe keeps tabs. Hugs!

I am bumping this up, just because I stumbled across it searching for another thread. Ally, this is a beautiful letter. You are WAY more generous than I have been. Even though I was sort of the OW for a time, I now have all of this catty jealousy aimed at the new woman! I hate myself for this, I know she isn't a bad person. :( We have shared a few awkward and sort of tense moments, and I know this is probably attributed to my behavior towards them both. I pray for some sort of divine intervention that will keep me from being a bitter bitchy jerk! I don't want to be that person. Your posts always give me hope Ally. You are kind articulate and super smart. Obviously, you know- as do we all, that you are destined for someone a thousand times better! NP

sometimes we forget that the OW is just a victim, like we. I'm impressed that you were able to write such a warm letter. It's THEM, not us, and not the OW.

When you think about it....we are ALL the OW. I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace. --Helen Keller

I wonder why some people are so angry at the ow.....I guess it's easier than being mad at narc. But if you really look at it, the ow is oblivious that he's awful and treated us the way they eventually will be treated too. It's like if we are angry at ow, we're not fully accepting he/she's evil right? When we face the truth, we can only blame narc, the ow only fell for the same charm we did - let's face it, if she didn't, we'd probably think there was something wrong with her. Great letter and it's so nice to see someone not take out their pain and anger at the ow who just had the same dreams we did with our narc...x

This is a beautiful letter ally. Put it in the archives and know your head and heart are in the right place. You understand today that she is no different from you. Nothing was better only possibly worse, she is just your mirror image. You can not save her but you can hope and pray that she finds the strength to save herself. Maybe she will be one of the lucky ones like you and find the support that she is so desperately in need of. xoxo Betty only one way to go...Forward (tm?)