That's exactly how I felt. I've not had good experiences with men during my life so when the N came along, I thought the same thing you did - God finally answered my prayers for a great guy. And I thought, Ok, this is to make up for all the crap I have endured. So wrong!! I loved him deeply and it was the best while it lasted. I don't expect to have anything like that again. I'm in the 4th quarter of the game (ag 62)!!
Thanks for saying what you did. It has helped me!!
I once posted something like what you said on another forum and got blasted by a sociopath. Who said "Was it worth loosing yourself for that moment of happiness?"
I don't recall the exact words I said but even if what he felt was fake it was real on my part and I do believe that a few very lucky couples manage to have that kind of connection. After having such a loveless marriage it was nice to feel that, even if it was just an act in play, a role he was playing for me to gain whatever he needed. Twisted? Pathethic on my part? Taken for a ride yes. But I think the greatest sadness is how I'd love to have that again but for real. Well, one can hope.
"It was real on my part" brings tears to my eyes. My X came back after 9 months in jail pretending to still love me so much and I hate to say this but I was so happy to see him and so hopeful for a few weeks that maybe just maybe he had changed, even though I know that they don't. It was the hope that sucked me back in and the vast love that I still have for him that let me put my defenses down again. Course he fucked with me again and right this minute I am in so much pain, I can barely even write this. Damn it, I loved him with all my heart and it was real for me and I refuse to allow anyone to tell me differently. I posted another post on here tonight telling all the bad stuff to try and pretend that he is garbage and does not deserve my love, but no matter how hard I try to hate him and pretend that I don't love him, I can't because I did and I do. I don't feel sorry for myself because I honestly liked loving him and liked feeling so completely open to another after years of being afraid to love like that. So as much as this hurts right now, I know that I am a better person from having loved like this and in time it will all make sense to me. It is not our fault that they do not return the love we feel for them, it is truly their loss not ours. We are loving, caring, beings with so much to give and I will be damned if I let anyone take that away from me.
God bless,
Goldie
I love mine you like you love yours...except when I think about how bored I was when he spoke. I'm curious to know specifics of what you loved about him? For me it was very physical...could not get enough of him touching me and how he felt and looked, his sense of humor which did show great intelligence, his love for music, his love for me. But boy did he say and do incredibly immature and stupid retarded things.
I think it was more that I was able to love him so freely. I felt alive and connected until of course I realized that it was all a sham. I loved his sense of humor, his facial expressions, his willingness to try new things, the way we would laugh together, lay in bed, and just hang out together. Working of projects on occasion, laughing at the supermarket, I missed those things and yes there were plenty of bad side as well to him. He was selfish beyond comprehension, stupid about the ways of the world, a selfish lover, easily manipulated by his boss and friends, unthoughtful of my needs and desires, basically he was a self serving human mutant. I just can't hate him, because for me at this point, that keeps me sick. I just don't want to ever see him again. I want to move on from this and do the best I can to improve the quality of my life moving forward.
God bless,
Goldie
Your out look is so positive, that's an amazing quality! I struggle to not be bitter and hateful. I don't want that leaking out from me the way I have seen it from women who have been through difficult divorces. Not that they don't have justification in the way they feel! I should be very thankful, I guess, that he isn't intrested in me anymore and has another woman lighting up his life.I don't know if I'd pass that hovering test and be strong enough to resist falling for the feeling of being in love again. I have a hard enough time pretending I don't care and don't want to be friends with him. That's my form of NC even though I work with him. It's really hard to try to act like you don't care isn't it?
I thought exactly the same, and he presented himself exactly as that....in fact he kept asking questions about my faith, which he found so "amazing" alongside everything else I ever said or did, or was....
I can honestly said that I have never been so broken hearted in all my life....
Never again....
Me Too!!
Beautiful Goldie!
It was real on my part
*hugs Goldie*
Ah Goldie
Good question
So much hurt but so much hope
gift from God
wait a minute!!