It's not polite to ask your age but...

I, for my part, think the following (but this may apply only to my narc): most men are married or in a long term relationship by the time they are in their 30s, 40s etc. I am finding it really hard to find men who are single - most of the guys I knew are married by now or have healthy long term relationships (both my normal ex-partners do, with whom I had relationships of many years). If a single guy comes along, there's usually a reason for it. In my case the reason was: not capable of having a normal relationship that lasts more than a few months. Plus, I think women our age are more desperate to find someone, at least I am observing this with me. At 25 I had all the time in the world. At 38 I am wondering if I'll still find someone who I will want to spend the rest of my life with. So when we meet someone who seems to really want us, we go for it - maybe faster than we would have when we were younger. Also I think that narcs get worse the older they get. I don't think mine was like this when he was in his early 20s (I've known him since then)

Yes, I've found that interesting as well. In my case, with my first N/P relationship, I was in my 20's. I was 18 when I met him, and 23 when I divorced him. The only thing I can think of for this was that I was an inexperienced, stupid, little high school girl that was very naive and way too trusting. I do think that this first N/P relationship set the path for me to be vulnerable for the second one. I was single for almost 13 years before I met xnh. My tail-feathers were so burned from dealing my first N/P that it took me that long to trust again. However, apparently I had not done enough recovery on myself to really know why I'd been vulnerable the first time. I was lonely and had the same weaknesses that I'd had before when I met xnh, only now it was compounded with huge amounts of pain and self-doubts from being abused the first time. Xnh homed in on it like a beacon, and what happened to me in my first marriage happened in my second marriage as well. Only this time around, I was MORE determined not to let my marriage fail, so I stuck it out with xnh for longer trying to make it work. Xnh was, of course, kind enough (not) to bully me into believing that everything was my fault in our relationship and that I was just a horrible person with no value (according to him). Whatever self-doubt and self-esteem issues that I'd had when I met him became amplified during my relationship to him. He actually had me convinced, at one point, that I had serious anger problems, and *I* needed help to overcome them. I've never been a particularly angry person EXCEPT with both of my husband's. Hmmmm, the common denominator? They both had personality disorders, and were abusive to me. I was reading self-help books like crazy, and looking for a shrink. Looking back, I think xnh was giving me some serious reasons (cheating, lying, abusing) to be justifiably angry in our relationship. He was NOT Polly-Pure by any stretch, but he certainly tried to make me believe it. *I* was the only one looking at how to improve the marriage. He was busy projecting blame from himself, and devaluing me because he's a narc. In my case, I was 35-years old before I even met xnh, and I was 51 before I gave up all hope on the relationship. In my case, I think the reason this happened in middle age is that I was scalded badly by an N/P at a young age, and it took me that long to let myself open my heart again...and there was xnh waiting like a cobra to strike when I did it. I'm now so done with N/P's in my life that is it's not even funny. I'm doing the recovery work I need, and I intend to NEVER be abused by a disordered person again. I may be "old" now, but I'm worth the effort on myself. lol.

I am 44...narc is 46, OW is 47. Other women range in ages.

Mine does that too. It doesn't *bother* them when they first starts dating/stalking them...but once it gets close to commitment and something REAL....they use all that stuff as reasons "why it won't work'. smoking. children. job/career. weight. lifestyle. everything.

your words touched me, how blessed you are to feel lucky enough, and to have been lucky enough to have had it happen to you sooner than later.......I am 47 and have wasted 25 years of my life with a man i had loved more than anything, i put up with severe emotional abuse, sometimes physical, but mostly the disrespect of him openly cheating on me and having long term affairs with other women. trust me, move on from your narc, take your young beautiful self and find a true and ever loving human being who will give you so much. for those of us who have lingered for years, its so damaging and i am damaged goods and will probably never recover and that scares the shit out of me. i wish i could have known what life would have been like had i never taken him back years ago, i just never knew he was a narc, and still sometimes doubt myself, thinking maybe he just didnt love me......who knows all i know is he disrespected me either way and i allowed it to continue. good for you, you move on and have a wonderful life, dont ever be me..............

I feel bad for my son as well for living with my disorder which in my case was a hopeless love addict. I was addicted to trying to get someone who did not love me to love me and it nearly destroyed my life. I had a series of bad relationships and was incapable of being attracted to a man who could love me. I'm sure it stemmed from my father who was very unloving with me throughout my childhood. I cannot blame myself though because I did not know any better and tried for years to stop doing this, the only solution I could come up with was to stay out of relationships altogether which I did for years until I was so lonely for companionship that I tried again. I think this last one was so horrific that it has cured me of wanting to fix or change anyone. I totally get now that this is impossible and a complete waste of time. We did the best we could with what we knew at the time and all we can do regarding our children now is to show them that although we made mistakes we have learned from them and this in itself is a miracle because some women never get out of it at all. My son has learned much about what not to do in a relationship by watching what I went through and he and I do talk about it openly and I think he does have respect for me that I stopped the insanity. God bless, Goldie