It is starting again.

8 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 13 - 3PM

baddream

It is starting again.

I knew it was coming----I felt it last week. He has begun to make contact in the most "benign" ways after 5 months of complete silence.

Sunday was his daughter's birthday. She does not talk to him anymore. He must have been feeling "pain" from this so he visited a friend and had the friend make contact with me on his behalf, communicating a very sad story about his health-- the reason I had not heard from him. It said "he wanted to be alone"...

I was strong and did nothing. It made me more angry that after 5 months he had the friend contact me, instead of doing it himself.. I think he was hoping I would be the one to make the first move and call and inquire about his "health" which I did not.

Today the mail came and my son brought in a letter that had both of our names on it. It was a very nice letter telling us what he had been up to (omitting the fact that he has been living with his girlfriend...) It said nothing about his "health"

My son read the letter before I got to it and said to me, "oh, we must call him or send an e-mail". I told my son that would not be necessary, he replied that I was "being cruel"..this is exactly what my N-man wanted to transpire.He had a very nice relationship with my son who idolized him in some ways. He never had the chance (lucky) to see his bad side, as he did not live with me. (lucky, again)

We have been through exactly the same overtures on at least 2 other D&D cycles, where I eventually got worn down and came around so I know this is what he is hoping for. I am not going to respond to the letter. Unfortunately, I know from experience that he will start sending gifts now to both my son & I, and we can not return them to sender, because we have no idea where he actually lives.

I have told him on numerous occasions not to send anything more to my son or me.

This makes it so hard -- I know he is manipulating me, but when I don't respond it looks like I am the bad person. I know this is a N-game, right?

He knows I can avoid his e-mails and text by blocking, but I can not move and that is why he sends things here. Even if I take the packages out and throw them away, my day is ruined when I see them.

That soft part of me comes out and I remember the good times, I need to remember only the toxic stuff so I can keep him away.

I am so disturbed. I am going to take something to calm me down.

#2 Aug 15 - 1PM

Carolyn

You are like most women very

You are like most women very vulnrable to the positive side but you have learned and are conditioned to protect yourself from the negative side. Maybe you could have a clear communitcation with your son that this man does not keep promises but makes disappointment. that you have found that to stay away is less painful but that if he wants he can communicate with him and when he doesn't want to anymore he can stop. You can't block children from painful experiences, and you come out looking like a monster, so try to monitor the situation but be clear that you want to protect yourself and your son. then if he gets burned you can talk about how some people in life don't play 'fair' and he will have learned. Chidlren are trusting and you hate to see your son hurt but it isn't good for your son to have the memory that you were a monster who kept him from his father. I saw the results of an attempt by a divorcee to invent a fantasy father to replace the narcissistic,alcaholic, mess she got rid of. Years later her two daughters turned on her. They wanted to know why she divorced their great father, who died of acute alcoholisim after one year of system failures, and abandoned him. they never forgave her and she never told them the truth that he walked out on them and left them penniless.

#3 Aug 13 - 8PM

Barbara (not verified)

baddream

First of all - GET YOUR SON TO THERAPY IMMEDIATELY!! This will help him get a handle on what is going on. If he wants to call or email Dad - let him. But don't respond to any messages the Narc tries to relay through your soon. DO NOT RESPOND TO THE NARC NO MATTER WHAT SORT OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL HE OR YOUR SON LAY ON YOU!!! NO MATTER WHAT - NO CONTACT!! Simply tell your son, "your Dad has hurt me in a way that can not be undone or repaired. If you want to speak to him that's fine but please do not pressure me to speak with him. As your mother who cares about you, I wouldn't do that to you..." If son calls you cruel just say "who told you that was cruel?" And explain to him that you need to heal from the bad things his Dad did to you but you will not prevent him from speaking to or being with his Dad. And continue to explain that if Dad wants him to carry messages, that Dad is not being very nice to him by putting him in the middle. Trust me the Narc will get TIRED of it over time and the ZERO RESPONSE from you gets him bored with this game. My kids took a few years... they still love their Dad but even now they say he is EVIL. Let the kids figure him out by themselves. Your son will take time and you will have to be very patient, maybe for a few years - but these Narcs ALWAYS shoot off both feet with the kids! BUT GET THEM INTO THERAPY AND DO NOT CAVE IN - NO CONTACT!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#4 Aug 13 - 10PM (Reply to #5)

baddream

Thank you-Barbara

Thanks for your advice. Zero response is what I will try for, the brain knows that is what to do, the kind, sympathetic heart struggles. But we have had this battle before and already lost so many times, so we know the outcome and must hold fast. I don't think my post was totally clear. Fortunately, my N was not my son's father. I have been separated from my husband for quite awhile and the N entered my life during a very vulnerable time. He developed a friendship with my son who looked up to him and thought he was the greatest. The N charmed him just like he did everyone else. I started to tell him (he is 17) N disappeared this time that N is not a good person. I think he understood, but like everyone else, he is fooled by his charisma and has always enjoyed his company. Thank goodness I found out about N before things progressed and we moved in or committed to each other. In my heart, for the last few years, I have known that N would not be a good influence on my child. This is what protected us in the end, I have always put my son before anything else and even though I allowed N to lie and deceive me and I was not always true to myself, I kept him far enough from my kid so as not to spread his poison any further. I need to remember these rationale thoughts and not let him rekindle the part of me that he will always in some way own.

#5 Aug 13 - 11PM (Reply to #6)

Barbara (not verified)

baddream

don't let your compassion and sympathy be wasted on a soul-less, blood sucking creature with no soul, no empathy, no feelings and no remorse. He has no feelings to hurt. Cruel is a word to him... that's all. Listen to last nite's radio show for more on that: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim There are others that need that compassion & sympathy. He has done nothing but abuse it and you. and ask your son's doctor for a referral to a counselor for him IMMEDIATELY to help him deal with his manipulative, remorseless, user sperm-donor (because no REAL father would put his child in that position) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ CLICK HERE: Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily "Some women can fake an orgasm. But some men can fake an entire relationship!" - Sharon Stone

#6 Aug 13 - 5PM

neveragain

The Definition of Crazy

Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. That's CRAZY. Funny, you mention that your N's daughter no longer speaks to him. My ex-N's daughter refuses to speak to him too! In the three years we were together, I never even spoke to her, much less meet her. Sometime along about the year and a half mark, his daughter blew up at him, slammed down the phone and refused to take his calls. At the time, I didn't know why....oh, boy, do I EVER know WHY now!! Because he's a NARCISSIST. He didn't want children so he has spent her whole life (she's 22 now) basically "punishing" her for existing. He always turns it around and plays the "Poor Mee" act making it look like HE's the victim of HER. It's just sick. Baddream, you can get through this. Your ex-N (and I truly hope he STAYS your ex-N) is totally using your son as a pawn. Your son has no idea how dangerous that man is. I'm not sure how you could try and explain it.....I guess that would depend on how old he is. Stay strong and keep remembering the reason(s) why you cannot have that man in your life. Keep remembering that he does not value you either as a person or a partner. He cannot ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. He will not ever cherish you and support you either emotionally OR financially. He is going to keep up trying to get under you skin.....(I call it a needle in the brain) until you relent. DON'T DO IT. If at all possible, get to the packages before your son does. DO NOT OPEN THEM. Write "REFUSED" on them and put them back in the mail. If there isn't a return address on them, throw them away!! If you are ever asked about them, say you never got them. You must try and do the FULL NO CONTACT thing as much as you possibly can. You must protect yourself and your son from this. Nothing GOOD will ever come out of staying in any contact at ALL....and that means opening his packages or emails, listening to his voicemail messages or listening to anyone telling you any news about him. Hang in there, you can do this. You MUST do this. Otherwise, you will go crazy. Hugs and More Hugs, neveragain

#7 Aug 13 - 10PM (Reply to #2)

baddream

Yes, neveragain..

I do like saying your name "neveragain".. it is a continuous reminder of why we are here. Sometimes when you write I think your N and mine were one and the same. My N's daughter is also 22 and never speaks to him. This is very difficult for him to accept and he always places the blame on her and does not see that his treatment of her is what led to the current state of affairs. His relationship with his daughter is a big red flag --it could be what happens if I allow my own son to get close to him. You are right, we have been through this scenario (gifts, cards leading up to phone calls and him trying to find his way back in) and we know the outcome. I will be back on the roller coaster on the way up, only to be taken way back down again. It is N trying to re-use me (his supply source) because he has no one else to go to. It is so obvious, and it occurs at times when he is most alone. Thanks for listening neveragain. Sending big hugs to you too..

#8 Aug 13 - 11PM (Reply to #3)

neveragain

He Would Have Ended Up Just Using Your Son for Secondary Supply

You are doing the right thing to stay away. You can explain (use the words Barbara gave you....they're dead spot on) to your son why you have to distance yourself. Your son was only there as a prop to get to you. He never really cared about your son.....and that would become obvious throughout the process of Devalue and Discard that comes next. I'm so sorry you've dealt with such a seriously emotionally debilitating situation. However, you can make it through this. If you keep understanding how the dynamics of Narcissism/Supply/Targets and the truth interact...you'll be okay. I am seriously concerned about my ex-N boyfriends daughter. But, since I never had the opportunity to meet her (IN THREE YEARS) I can't ever help her or support her. If I were to even try, it would be another form of contact with HIM....so I won't. I'm curious though....and I do have compassion and empathy for her.....I will send her "Hugs" in my mind. Her father was a worthless, pathetic version of a father. All Narcisssist make Horrible Parents. neveragain

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