Why the hell does that thought plague me when it defies logic?!
BECAUSE it defies logic - so you have to just chalk it up to their pathology and STOP trying to figure out what defines reason
Any takes on the 'baby' thing?
1. Baby locks you to them for life... and then they can manipulate you & use you forever until you create legal boundaries; which many "I just want to be nice" women won't do.
2. Babies give unconditional love. Narcs will try to mold them in "their image!" They are great with Ns until they start to grow up and develop a mind of their own. Then the N wants NOTHING to do with them.
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"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
Babies lock them to you for life:
I totally see this - but find it hard to believe he was prepared to be locked to someone for life who he then discarded, called names and never spoke to again. WTF!?
Moulding them into their image:
Ok, at first i thought it was cute, but my exCop loves motorbikes and he bought 2 mini motorbikes (they do around 30mph) for his boys (3 and 7). There's nothing wrong with this on the surface, but he had the bikes all lined up before they were old enough to get on them. Dunno, maybe this isn't too odd - dads want their boys to be like them?
but find it hard to believe he was prepared to be locked to someone for life who he then discarded, called names and never spoke to again
their damaged brains make them INCAPABLE of LONG TERM thinking. Even their 'reality' has no through-line, it is all fractured and compartmentalized.
You have to STOP STOP STOP thinking of them as NORMAL PEOPLE
http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/07/danger-of-ascribing-normal-human.html
They are not NORMAL
They are NOT HUMAN
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"Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.
You have to STOP STOP STOP thinking of them as NORMAL PEOPLE They are not NORMAL
They are NOT HUMAN
And I am guilty of it too trying to apply logic and normalacy to them, Its their abnormality that hurts us because we are trying to understand why a person would do this? How many times have I and others have said that, HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME, he did it because he is NOT NORMAL that is why he did it, better yet, I like to say he did it because he is sick thats why. Earlier I was trying to figure out why I could not get this man to see all the good that I was, its the same answer because they are not normal and highly disturbed. Why am I admired by so many others for who I am but NOT HIM? Because his perception and interaction with others is NOT NORMAL, the circuits in the brain are just not wired to see us the way normal healthy individuals can see us, its difficult to not take that personally because if you cant separate the pathology from how we expect to be treated you always remain in a shocked state of their horrible behavior. Their behavior is the result of their disorder.
Just want to share that my ex of about 8 months now wanted to have a baby with me, we tried for 5 months. He was good for the first 8 months with her. Turned on me and left, went to live with OW who i think he had been 'grooming' since my daughter was 4 months old. He D&D me and i had no idea what hit me. I had known him 27 years and had no idea that who i knew was pretend. He used to say stuff like, his daughter would only know love and support, want for nothing. he never wanted to be a part time dad.............now he says stuff like 'i want the baby but not the mother', i'm glad you are her mother, i never wanted a baby............plus more stuff.
I have been in shock, poss have PTSD and have barely been able to function.
I have been thinking of him as a poor, confused person then it turned to seeing him as evil. Today i feel angry and sad. One day it won't matter anymore.
I had known him 27 years and had no idea that who i knew was pretend.
THERE YOU GO ELLEN, we wonder HOW THEY DO IT, 27 YEARS of mr pretend guy, and we ask have they EVER had a normal relationship with anyone, ever? They pretend with EVERYONE, then one day when they decide they are tired of pretending with this person they just up and leave. Its like they say, ok tired of this act I have someone new in the horizon, time for a different act to suit my needs. Now that is one sick mind and as much as we know they are not normal that doesnt take away any of the pain for some reason, I wish it would, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and say he was a wack job, and never shed another tear over the sick bastard
Yes it is unfathomable. 27 years i thought he was a nice man. Before he left he did say 'i can't be superman any longer' well no one asked him to. He really was only living a normal life like others do. Does that make them all superman. Anyway noone made him do anything, everything he did was self inflicted and then he blamed me and others for him doing it...........poor victim.
I want to be able to move on but something really grips you about this i reckon.
I am gobsmacked by it. If i wasn't so caught up in it i would say it's the most fascinating fact of human life that i have come across. In a way i feel privileged to know this. It must be a small percentage of people who really know this. Many have experienced this but aren't able to put a label on it and just think that a person is cruel. To be taken in, to see one person and then suddenly another is an awful experience.......yet i don't know why i say that cos my dad is a narc and he was horrible moody at home and laughing and kind outside. I was on the inside then though. With my ex it was like being experiencing the the outside life of my dad if but inside the house...........i don't know if i've explained that very well. I think i've just had a revelation............cos i never felt loved at home by my dad and other liked him outside the home. with my ex i felt loved in the home by him then he D&D and it had a major impact, so the nice dad (the outside version) rejected me too!..............well that must make me really awful then. Also my ex built me up so high aswell that it meant it was a big fall.............you don't think he knew all this and did it on purpose do you.. After he left he said............this is all about you dad isn't it.
well i've forgotten what this post is that i am answering to....but what a revelation for me. I hope you will understand this cos i'm going to click without checking lol.
it's the most fascinating fact of human life that i have come across. In a way i feel privileged to know this. It must be a small percentage of people who really know this. Many have experienced this but aren't able to put a label on it and just think that a person is cruel. To be taken in, to see one person and then suddenly another is an awful experience....
what a truly heartful way of expressing this experience. I feel that way too that no matter how painful this was I felt privileged to have experienced and survived such an experience, for it literally changed my life forever, its not the way I wanted my life to change but I had no choice in the matter and if I can take this experience and somehow make my life better (working on that one) it wasnt for nothing. If I let it destroy my life that it was for NOTHING and I cant do that, I cant let a psychopath destroy my life, think about how rediculous that sounds, LETTING A PSYCHOPATH DESTROY MY LIFE, letting a sick disturbed person destroy the life of a normal, caring, good person. HAve you ever watched those lifetime shows? I was hooked on them years ago they are based on true stories, some of the life stories were about women who discovered their husbands of 15-20 years were leading double lives. Lives they knew NOTHING ABOUT, they woke up one day to find out they were living with a complete stranger. That is what happened to us we were taken in as you said and thought we were with someone other than what they truly were, EVIL, I think that is something that takes a very very very long time to overcome, its shock, that is why Barbara stresses PTSD treatment so much, we are literally being treated for shock, if it is not treated properly it can resurface through out our lives. Funny when I watch lifetime now I am not at all shocked, years ago I would wonder, how could they not know, how did that person hide his other sick life, NOW I KNOW, they have sick minds.
You want double/ triple/ quadruple lives? Just read through this site:
http://fightbigamy.typepad.com
- A friend of mine runs it
- Turns about BIGAMY is one of the most common crimes and police rarely do anything about it!!!
(BTW - one guess as to where most of these bigamist sociopaths find their victims??)
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My Abuse Information Site
Online Coaching & Help
I loved your reply. I was in a typhoon once. it was a scary experience that I'd never had before, I hadn't wanted to be stuck in a typhoon but I survived it, up a mountain in the Himalayas. When I got through it I realised how the planet was so much bigger than me and "me" hadn't anything to do with it happening, something I couldn't control. The experience was knowing there are things in life that you just experience and survive because you happen to to be there at the time it happens, like having a partner come along who is a narcissist. After a narcissist you experience such devastation, everything battered and destroyed. With that comes the "re-build" how do you really want to reconstruct your life to how you want it to be. A slow build I must admit, but I want it to have good foundations.
It would be great if i could believe he was of different thinking, not normal......i get worried that if i have got that wrong it would be awful to have to go from saying 'oh he's just sick' to 'oh he didn't love me at all, then all the horrid stuff he said about me might be true........like he left cos of the way i treated him.
In time this will go and i can believe it i hope. It is a tall order though and i reckon every human being would struggle to see that there are predators out there.....i know i am.
I know just what you mean. Like, if we're wrong about them being inhuman, then they must be right about us being 'insert insults here'. If they can 'be' someone else for years with another woman, could he only 'be' someone else with me for so short a time spell because he didn't love me as much.
Its bloody awful. But listen to barbara - this is us normalising a man and a situation he has created that are not normal. We keep doing it to find closure or explanation and the only one that exists, unfortunately, is that he is off the fkng human radar.
We need to keep saying this to ourselves over and over again.
relieved and sad to know
MissM
Babies lock them to you for
stop that
You say this ALOT
Hi MissM
Ellen
Hi Cynthia
I am gobsmacked
SO NICELY SAID
cynthia
I loved your reply. I was
Ending the dance
I'm worried incase i got it wrong
ellen