Is it possible they were good partners to SOMEONE?

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#1 Oct 20 - 1PM

MissM

Is it possible they were good partners to SOMEONE?

this one plagues me.

He had a 9 year relationship with a woman he claims cheated on him throughout. They have two young boys and he really does step up to the plate with parenting. She is still with the guy my exCop blames for splitting them up.

So is it possible he (and others) were ever 'normal', faithful, devoted partners?

This torments me, even tho it makes no sense that he could simply 'become' this heartless, cold man overnight just to act out.

Thoughts?

#2 Oct 27 - 1PM

NanC (not verified)

Cynthia

Its weird how days and months turn into months. You keep waiting for things to get better & by the time you know it, years have past you by. ExN called last nite, same crap wants to get D on Saturday instead of 6:00 on Friday as court ordered...Not! I have to say, i was disgusted with him. I didn't feel nothing warm or fuzzy about him. All i could think, "everything that comes out of this man's mouth is a lie!" i had no pity for him whatsoever. Nothing but anger! I see a counselor for the first time today (nervous). He literally sickens me! I hope u feel that way sometime soon. It makes it alot easier to move on. The part I'm still having a hard time with is how that asshole has absolutely no remorse for hurtin me & my kids. I am stickin to my guns...he gets her at 6:00 or he's shit out of luck for that visit. He said he & new gf never argue. Omg! That dumb shit would argue with a tree if he could get a reaction out of it !!! I always wondered why women who were getting physically abused wouldn't leave their partners. Its unexplainable when you're in it. I wasn't physically but I was mentally abused. I guess it is like a brainwash...(ugh!)

#3 Oct 27 - 8AM

Barbara (not verified)

horrid but true

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2006/12/love-and-stockholm-syndrome-mystery-of.html http://www.enotalone.com/article/4291.html my parents were together 52 years My Nmother gutted my Dad - he was immobilized without her. It was sad to watch. They came from a generation that practically didn't allow divorce. My Dad had an Nmother too. He probably, like I used to, thought it was "normal." Just sad. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#4 Oct 27 - 10AM (Reply to #40)

destiny (not verified)

the one Xgf he was with for

the one Xgf he was with for 7 years...is still in his life...he claims she has never dated since him...and has no other friends but him. He used to complain that she would turn her phone off and he couldnt reach her ( later he would say the same about me) She didnt like to hear about the new woman he was dating...when he begged for me back...he told her that I wouldnt be comfortable with them hanging out and she got snippity. He often would say other xgf never understood his relationship with Xgf. I just cant figure out why XN allows her to stay in his life...doesnt seem to D&D her. Unless all these years he has her on a string stil..i dunno. He claims she laughs when he asked her if she would have married him...and treats him horribly. I dont get what makes her the chosen one. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#5 Oct 27 - 1PM (Reply to #41)

time_to_move_on

Destiny....

I thought the same about my ex. He's probably back with another woman he was with before me (he said she was mad/stalker. all the usual stuff). It has nothing to with you. He probably still has her under his spell for more abuse (Barbara said this to me). Would you really want to be her? Sometimes I think yes, I would, but it's a compliment that he's not doing it to you. And mine isn't doing it to me. He'll be giving her the same old-lines, imagine having to sit and listen to that even for an hour? Urgh.. no way. I grieve now and then, but then I get angry and feel relief. Very relieved.

#6 Oct 27 - 4PM (Reply to #42)

destiny (not verified)

timetomoveon- did you date

timetomoveon- did you date my XN.....he used that same phrase...crazy stalker. That is what he told the OW(s) about me so they wouldnt contact me. I guess I just wonder what it is about that one xgf that she is the only one that has remained in his life for 10 plus years after the breakup. It just seems odd for me for a N to do this. True about the same old lines...or the all about him sob stories about his day. The man couldnt even take a bath without being on the phone with someone. I was on the phone with him practically all day....not sure who could fill that void of NS. â€œIt's not hard to find the truth. What is hard is not to run away from it once you have found it.â€

#7 Oct 27 - 5PM (Reply to #43)

time_to_move_on

I think they were all...

swapped at birth ;) Mine has an ex he's friends with from 15 years ago. But because she's 10 years older than him, she's not as attractive (to him that is) as she once was, and he wrinkles his nose and makes comments about it. I think that is the only reason he no longer sees her as much. He used to punch her walls, be possessive and generally drive her mad, she nearly had a nervous breakdown (she actually knew my mother at one time and told her this). She lost her business. My mother told me not to go out with him but yeah, I did. But this ex still sends him cards, and makes sure he's okay. She even asked him to follow her partner's car to see if he was cheating with his assistant. When she found out he was she used to come around and see my ex and give him b jobs. He told me all this! I said I cannot believe you, how can you be so dis-respectful in the way you speak about her and I thought you were just friends. He said "I thought it was funny". Re. being on the phone, my ex turned off his phone when with me. I now realise it's probably because when not with me he'd be on the phone to other women, who were his other sources along with me :(

#8 Oct 27 - 9AM (Reply to #39)

MissM

horrid, true and

horrid, true and terrifying. I've re-read thru all the posts and links under this topic and I feel so despondent and hopeless. For all of us - it's an odd feeling, i've never felt sadness on a collective level like this till today. I hear my friends in truly loving relationships tell me they're 'bored'. My god, what i'd give to swap this shit for 'bored'. So they're on some destructive, dare I say it, narcissistic path seeking excitement. One of my married friends is texting/flirting with a plainly emotionally unavailable man who has a gf of 7 years he won't openly commit to. Everywhere I turn, there are n's and even non-n's on a course to mess up someone's else's life. Someone PLEASE tell me what a healthy man looks and sounds like. I'm embarrassed to be 40, never married, no kids because of a decade spent on emotionally and mentally disturbed men. I'm an attractive, intelligent, adventurous woman (just as described in WWLP) but I can't hand this book out to people who ask 'so how come yr still single?'. It's getting to me now and I feel like a loser. For some reason, exCop experience has floored me even more than a much longer and much more disturbing relationship with a true N. I just can't see a future and that terrifies me.

#9 Oct 21 - 1PM

Scoop

I have met two of his ex

I have met two of his ex girlfriends whom me claims are friends now but thinking back when i met them there was something very strange in the air .The first time was at a birthday dinner for his ex and his ex was sitting next to him she looked so defeated all evening , she stared down and barely spoke to him .I sensed huge emotion there with her ,he was being over the top friendly to me and the whole episode in hind sight was tension filled but not in a good way . I know that look she had as i would have done the same look now in that situation . The second meeting with one of his ex was another dinner and we walked into her house and she knew we had arrived but she was sitting in the garden with her back to us with dark sun glasses on although it was evening .Again the tension was almost unbearable . He laughed and bantered his was through the evening but i wanted to go home the minute i stepped in the door it was that bad . I think he may think he is friends with these women but i bet it would be a diffrent story if they where asked , the trouble is we are in a huge circle of friends and i , like them had to make the decision to stop seeing my friends just in case he was there . very hard . Peru x

#10 Oct 20 - 5PM

cynthia (not verified)

I wondered that too

If they never have had a good partnership with anybody, why do their partners seem to stay for years and years on end? Is it just pure brainwashing, all of it? I mean the partners that live day in and day out with them, not their side supply they see when they have an itch, I guess its safe to say then any partner that lives with them for years is totally brainwashed into their delusion of what they THINK the relationship is. Like you said Barbara they can fool their partners for years and years into thinking he loves them. Sometimes I think they have split personalities more so than masks they wear, they can change who they are soooo fast to suit who they are with, they can be so many different people they would have to be to live duel lives

#11 Oct 21 - 6AM (Reply to #36)

finallydone

Nine years

I was with mine for nine years. Have you read Women Who Love Psychopaths? Barbara's recommendation. Maybe then you'll understand how somebody could stay for years. I don'thave it all figured out yet... but yes some of it was what I wanted it to be and his good side was VERY VERY GOOD! But the bad side was pure hell on earth. Abusive cycle in play, everytime "nice" comes back there is relief and clinging onto what you want so much and where you think they are the soulmate. I'm still attracted to him physically, I still miss him when he was nice and fun, it's still hard. And mine actually wasn't cheating on me. I did not have that experience with him.... he was far too interested in getting fame and audience attention. It was the control issues, the sleep deprivation talking about all his anger and problems with everything, etc. etc. and the horrible name calling and yelling when he was mad. List is too long to go into here and so many have the exact same story. But I've learned that it is not unuaual at all for somebody to be in a relationship for as long as I was and often much longer. Know what I mean But I do know that he never had a successful healthy relationship... they all ended under very weird dramatic circumstances.

#12 Oct 21 - 6AM (Reply to #35)

finallydone

Nine years

#13 Oct 20 - 5PM (Reply to #31)

Ellen

my mum was with my dad

My mum is with my dad 43 years now. My ex was with his ex wife for around 20, married for 10. I also don't get how they do it. I've heard they can't have long term relationship. There are loads of stories on this site of long marriages too.

#14 Oct 21 - 2PM (Reply to #33)

Clover18

This is how they do it

I also don't get how they do it. I've heard they can't have long term relationship. There are loads of stories on this site of long marriages too. I was with my narc for nearly 20 years Ellen. Google "trauma bonding", "betrayal bonding" or "Stockholm Syndrome" That's how they do it http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/ http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/ http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/

http://knittingattheguillotine.blogspot.com/
http://stoptherollercoaster.blogspot.com/
http://byebyejekyllandhyde.blogspot.com/
http://libertyfromlies.blogspot.com/

#15 Oct 27 - 8AM (Reply to #34)

Ellen

That is such a horrid thought

I hate that thought. My mum was like me trauma bonded and still is. That is why i always thought she meant well but watched her change over the years. He has blatantly lied to her and she believes him over me. I would have contact with my extended family now had she stood up to him. I'll have a read of all of this. Ta Clover18

#16 Oct 20 - 6PM (Reply to #32)

time_to_move_on

my father was with my mother....

for around 20 years before he died. I think they wear their partners down. My mother should have left my dad, he was a violent alcoholic and I think a narc... but for various reasons she didn't. It was nothing to do with having a good marriage, despite what some people on the outside thought about him he was an awful, awful man. Treated my mother and us so badly. Long marriage does not mean a thing, personality disordered people can be in long relationships, does not mean they are of good quality. Other members of my family.. My aunt's husband was also bonkers, she made sure to tell me not to marry the wrong man, as my mother would have been very unhappy as well if I'd made the wrong choice (there speaks the voices of experience, they didn't make the right choices but they want me to).

#17 Oct 20 - 4PM

itreallyisabouthim

Interesting about

Interesting about impregnating a woman equaling power. I sensed that with my Narc. Eerie. When I left my Narc wrote "I didn't think you would break up the family so soon". Like he thought since he thought I was compromised situation due to having a new baby, that he had bought himself some time.

#18 Oct 21 - 1PM (Reply to #28)

Scoop

My narc knew when i was

My narc knew when i was ovulating and man alive we had sex for England on those days , i felt i was a walking sperm by the end of it .I think God was watching out for me as it didnt happen . I thought at the time though if i could only get pregnant he wont leave me again so in a way i think we where both using pregnancy as a weapon .Strange as it sounds . Peru x

#19 Oct 21 - 3PM (Reply to #29)

MissM

peru

Now that's really interesting. I wonder if exCop and his ex were doing the same thing.. Only speculating, I could be way off. In his version of events, she was cheating on him while their youngest was a tiny baby. Is this even PLAUSIBLE?! By the same token, he was already fishing online at that time, I know that.. and he told me he has known OW longer than me i.e. when he was still in the family home and youngest was either on the way or just born. He even told me he's not sure if his eldest (7 yrs) is even his. Strange for someone so cocky and assured to even say sth like that. Or was he just playing on my loathing of cheats and liars? One of first times we had sex he blurted out 'women are always trying to suck the sperm out of you'. Eh?! I've often envied the supposed life his ex threw away.. 2 beautiful boys, a gorgeous man, home, togetherness. It's quite clear she has no time or tolerance for him which means, to me, he probably gave her good cause to feel that way. Unless, what we have here, is a female N? Doubt it tho. Did I ever mention he was v briefly married 10 years ago and she stabbed him in the arm with pointed pliars?! Haha! I did think WTF at the time and asked what he'd done to deserve it but he brushed it off. Who the hell IS this man?!

#20 Oct 21 - 5AM (Reply to #22)

NanC (not verified)

Got me pregnant on purpose

The whole time we were together, not once did he come inside of me. Once he knew i was done putting up with bullshit, all of a sudden, "he had an accident". I KNOW he did it on purpose cause i had told him i wanted to go back to my husband & give it another chance. I would never consider an abortion but i cried & cried when i found out cos i knew i would never get rid of this man! Even during my pregnancy ( i thought he'd be thrilled since he had no family) he was still an angry psycho jerk!

#21 Oct 21 - 1PM (Reply to #23)

MissM

making you pregnant to get

making you pregnant to get control.. my god that's scarey. I thought my mind was playing tricks on me when I heard the tone of his voice and the intense gaze as he kept insisting I was having a baby. My previous exN would D&D me all the time. For years. Had no idea what it was, eventually I just lived for the relief of being 'let back in' after a while. With cop tho, he never did this. We never had angry words. He just kept me comfortably at a distance and off balance, never knowing where we stood, disappearing for days on end, throwing in bizarre crap about 3somes etc. and this is why I smelled a rat and checked his phone. And even then, face to face, I still didn't see his flipside. Glib, calm, unmoved, joking about it. Scarey. So I don't know if he does the DD dance at all. He hasn't come back to play with my head some more. It almost feels like a favour. Or he probably - as a friend of mine keeps telling me - can't forgive that u checked his phone and doesn't trust you. So i'm always wavering in doubt. And wondering how this would have turned out had I not looked in his phone. I'm going to read WWLP again..

#22 Oct 28 - 6AM (Reply to #27)

Barbara (not verified)

never ever listen to WHAT THEY SAY!

he said... he told me... he admitted... HELLO? was he lying to you about her and other things? Is the Pope Catholic? If a Narcissist's lips are moving - THEY'RE LYING! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help

#23 Oct 27 - 4PM (Reply to #24)

tasha

MissM

They do get you pregnant to control you!And if they are truly abusive they will make it financially impossible to take precautions or birth control. And then tell you that they don't believe in abortion either. My XNH did that to me, I don't believe in abortion either and once I was pregnant-he was happy. When the children started getting to school age, he would say maybe we should have another. Yes it is a ploy to control you-if I didn't have the children I would'nt have stayed, I also wanted them to grow up with a mother and father. He knew this. I have 6 children. 5 boys and 1 girl.

#24 Oct 28 - 5AM (Reply to #25)

MissM

Tasha

that's really interesting because ex's boys are 7 and 3, the eldest near to starting school when the other one arrived. It's only speculation, but possible. I've had a hard time believing that his ex gf was prepared to have and continue to have his children if she was supposedly cheating on him and intending not to have him in her life much longer. Just doesn't add up does it? So the control thru pregnancy thing is v interesting. And scarey. I'm just remembering now how he kept repeating 'you're having a baby aren't you' with that intent gaze, and my instincts saying he was willing it to be true. My god.

#25 Oct 28 - 9AM (Reply to #26)

tasha

hi MissM

It doesnt add up at all. I think Pregnancy is a time when a woman is most valnerable, physically and emotionally. Easier to control and manipulate(from a Narcs perspective) the pregnancy gives him security and so does the baby when it arrives. Because we love our babies we don't see them as a means of manipulation. This is only my thought, but the pattern in my life speaks for itself. The children are aged 16,12,11 then theres a 3 year gap, then a set of twins aged 8 and then my daughter who is now 3-which was my choice.

#26 Oct 20 - 2PM

Hoping2Heal (not verified)

Good news

I think KNOWING they cannot be in a normal, loving, sustaining relationship is the best news I've heard lately. I, however, still have a chance after much therapy and recovery. Sounds mean to wish him miserable relationships but I cant help it. I was the 4th wife and was dumb enough to think somehow I was different....NOT!

#27 Oct 20 - 2PM

AnotherPath (not verified)

EndingTheDance No, they're

EndingTheDance No, they're incapable always. If you hear they had a healthy relationship, it's not true, they never did. He won't be a good parent, he's just looking the part if someone is watching to make him look good.

#28 Oct 20 - 1PM

Barbara (not verified)

MissM

NO. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Pathologicals only discard the best, most precious of gems of people... not the worst. They despise the strong, principled, decent & honest. Their discarding of you is then their highest commendation of your worth!" - A.V.

#29 Oct 28 - 4PM (Reply to #18)

cynthia (not verified)

you make me laugh

everytime I scroll through this topic I laugh when I see your response, just a big NO, nothing else but NO. You are Funny Barbara, your honesty is to the point but you make me laugh.

#30 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

MissM

thanks barbara - and one more strangeism..

thanks barbara, no mincing your words! Why the hell does that thought plague me when it defies logic?! Something else that sounds mad - even tho I heard it 3 times with my own ears - is when, the morning I discovered his other life, he kept asking intently and almost willfully if I was having a baby. And not asking, but stating, even tho I kept saying no - 'you're having a baby aren't you. You are having a baby, aren't you'. And I swear in that moment I thought 'jesus he wants me to say yes'. Then I dismissed it. Wasn't til I read a line in WWLP that impregnating you means control.

#31 Oct 20 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

4joys (not verified)

By my ex narc's own

By my ex narc's own admission...NO!

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