Is it a lunar cycle?

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#1 Oct 29 - 10AM

terri

Is it a lunar cycle?

I'm having a very difficult time today - he called all day yesterday (I didn't answer) and sent an email that I left alone. I'm reading other postings today that others are going through this as well.

I read that SunFlowergirl is getting sucked back in and this is what is going on with me. However, mine is not even saying he wants to marry me (I broke a 2+ year engagement in Feb). He just wants to "see if we can be friends again before getting back to what we had" - HA!!!

The hard part is that he lives 1/2-mile away from me now and I wish he was on the other side of the planet! Everyone around here thinks he's such a great guy - why won't I give him another chance? This is such classic narc bs!

There has been more that has happened that I just don't have the cahonas to write about here - maybe later. I just want to get back to peaceful NC status. I felt like I needed to come here and post my feelings but I'm not even sure how I feel anymore - other than just ready to get on with my life and after 9 years of push-pull crap - I just want to feel peaceful and content! Is that ever going to come and stay with me for good?

I just printed out a posting from Betty that I'm going to keep looking at today - all day. It ends with these words -

"I turn it all over and let time and karma take the wheel. I stay focused on what is most important: my life and my recovery."

#2 Oct 29 - 11AM

blueeyes

terri...

I'm sorry your having a bad day honey. I know the feeling! If you want the software info let me know..

#3 Oct 29 - 11AM

jen79

I know its stupid

But I am jealous of those of you, where the narc came back and begging you to marry him. I know its insane. But I feel more discarded than anyone, cause he doesnt even want to see me again, let alone marry me.

#4 Oct 30 - 8AM (Reply to #23)

onwithmylife

Jen 79

hi Jen, You are not alone by a long shot, i sent 15 years with my EXN off and on when you kept discarding me and the last letter I got from him, because I dare mention he should re=examine his relationship with his mother, he sent me a hateful letter, whore, slut, free sex on the internet and told me never to write him again, horrible, a vile disgusting man. So you can guess he does not want me back because I uncovered the TRUTH of who he is!He did rope me in a few years ago because at that time he was low on supply so he sent me a beautiful letter and I thought he had changed, what a joke!

#5 Oct 29 - 12PM (Reply to #17)

ShaynasMommy

look at it this way

The only way you can really "turn the tables' on these bastards is to do what we all have been railing about here on and on.....no contact. Believe me, I was very depressed over the fact that it seemed like he "won" when my ex n cruelly dumped me at the altar. But he proved to the world that he didn't win anything because he tried to get back into my life while saying he wanted to get away from me behind my back. When I didn't let him back in, didn't give him an inch, he realized he lost. He DID LOSE. He lost the best thing that would ever happen to him....ME. I can say that with confidence. I think he realized that on some unconsious level, but being a Narc prevented him from truly admitting to that and making any true changes in order to deserve me back. To my ex N, he LOST because the game was over and he didn't get the last word in, i.e., further abuse...because I woulndt let him close enough to me to inflict any more damage. That's THEIR idea of WINNING. Having the complete power and control to inflict you PAIN.....any time and any way they please. They are sadistic little posers and inflicting pain is like oxygen to us. They literally need it to function. Once you start to understand this you will be so turned off that you won't give an F if he wants to see you at the moment, because that's the operative term, "at the moment." Its more than likely he goes back and forth to his different supply sources when others start getting wise to his game, and you are no different. He would come back to you if there was an opportunity and a need. I digress. My point is that you always win with NC. They always lose no matter what they do.

#6 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #20)

jen79

shaynas mommy

I think I am going to print this out. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. The only way to win, is going NC. And yes he loses, he loses ME. And I am a very good woman, maybe I dont have all my things in order yet, but I am a loving and caring woman, and he loses that, the bastard. Thanks mommy!

#7 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #21)

ShaynasMommy

Jen79

"And I am a very good woman, maybe I dont have all my things in order yet, but I am a loving and caring woman, and he loses that, the bastard. YES HE DOES. And don't fall into that trap of thinking that possibly there is another wonderful woman out there that would be able to make him happier...doesnt work that way. They would loooove to keep you in constant fear over that. But the reality is that they could never keep US satisfied. That's why they ultimately bolt. They all eventually either leave or get dumped by any woman who's worth the effort to keep the mask on. And, actually, he HATES the fact that you are a loving and caring woman. But he is attracted to it like a moth to a flame and he hates that about HIMSELF. Beacause he will never be the kind of person you are. Narcs absolutely HATe HATE HATE us for being so fabulous so therefore they will be on a search and destroy mission for the rest of their lives. There are so many unresolved issues for them that they try to "resolve" through relationships and abusing their significant others (i.e., "getting even" with mom, dad or both). Since they can't go back to the original source of their pain and fix things that way, they choose the cowards way instead of doing what WE are doing here on the board, and that's embracing self realization and doing the work to heal our wounds on OUR OWN. Knowing this, I hope it will help to reinforce within you how twisted up it would be to try to save him, understand him, or even obsess over why he does the things he does. Its all about YOU now, and your life. Actually, it really always was about US. We just didn't 'get it' while we were suffering by the hands of the tyrants.

#8 Oct 29 - 2PM (Reply to #22)

jen79

Amen Mommy!!

I am going to print that out as well, and reading it with my cereals in the morning, before I go to bed, and everytime I am feeling weak again. I am breaking this damn cycle this time.

#9 Oct 29 - 12PM (Reply to #18)

Used

winning the game

yes i wholeheartly agree.....NO CONTACT IS THE NAME OF THE GAME..... then and only then have you WON!!!!....thanks shanysmommy

#10 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

ShaynasMommy

Your'e welcom, babies! :)

Your'e welcome, babies! :)

#11 Oct 29 - 11AM (Reply to #11)

TNR1

You should feel so fortunately

I was right there with you. I wanted so desperately for Mr. N to come back. Feel extremely fortunate that you do not even have to make that choice, because letting them in a second time is not better than the first. I know it seems rather empowering to have the N come back and you be able to decide to say "no", but believe me, the N will always turn it around and make it your fault.

#12 Oct 29 - 12PM (Reply to #12)

hopefuljms

I let mine back in a 2nd time

And he f....d with me even worse. Did the whole hoover thing. The calls, the texts the emails the lunches (thankfully no sex). Told me he wanted to marry me all that BS. He must have forgotten about his 26 year old fiance (he's 44). Finding out about her literally put me into shock and I had about a 24 hour anxiety attack. It has been 6 month since I found out and I am just starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Of course as soon as I found out about her they set a wedding date and had a rushed wedding 3 months later. Honestly, be happy he's gone!!!

#13 Oct 29 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

Used

hopefuljms

what a bastard..... by why did he marry her when you found out?or was it to stop you telling her?

#14 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #14)

hopefuljms

Used, I have no idea. Lucky

Used, I have no idea. Lucky for me he lives 5 hours away and he no longer speaks to anyone that we knew together. Although he did contact a mutual friend about a week ago and never once mentioned that he had gotten married in August. I think he still believes none of us know. It is possible that he figured I was gone so he didn't have a choice, but I don't really care. All I know is this poor girl has no clue about who he really is. She is young enough to believe all of his BS

#15 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

ShaynasMommy

I think maybe that its

I think maybe that its really exciting for them to live a double life. Lying and getting away with it really gets them off. Even when they don't have to lie. Some kind of little fantsy game they play with themselves. (and they do ALOT of that, too LOL!)

#16 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #15)

Used

weird

five years after i divorced my exh[we stayed mates..lol].. i found out that people still thought we were married, he didnt tell them we were divorced.... and tho i dropped him a year ago..i didnt want to be mates anymore.... i found out this year, he has been living with someone for 9yrs....i didnt have a clue.. everyone one knew but me... but since he was told i knew... he is now seen with her...but hers the thing....i hadnt loved him for years but stayed married till our kids left home ..... i even said if you meet someone ,can you tell me...you know i will be ok with it....his answer to me was...well you wont meet anyone will you, you dont think much of men do you? NO not after years with you i thought... but my point i would have been fine with him meeting someone, and relieved.....but no he never ever said..... i hope he will be very very happy with his new mummy...

#17 Oct 29 - 11AM (Reply to #9)

chickon2

Gawd I feel the same

Gawd I feel the same way.. He will not contact me... Which I know is a blessing.. I just see him here and there. AND even though I know he sux i want him to want me again... which i better be careful what I wish for.. Keep your strongs......

#18 Oct 29 - 11AM (Reply to #10)

jen79

yes so damn stupid

I know its a blessing everyday I dont hear from him, cause each day I feel better. And still I ask myself why not me? But maybe its more what is with them. In my case I know, he will never run out of supply, too many women around him, so no need to settle down with just one. Maybe the narcs who come back, just dont have such a big harem...

#19 Oct 29 - 10AM

Used

terri

when i divorcd exh he said can we still be friends i said ok...so for the next 12 years he wasent letting me move on[didnt relize that at time]...he is out of my life now....met narc 5years ago......on off on off, you know the drill and went back one particular time b/c he said i will become the man you met again....that didnt work...then back again...i knew i was done...so dropped him over a year ago....he has tried to talk ,i ignore him....i see him alot he lives near me....but last time he tried to talk he said ...i know you dont want me but could you just say hi?...i looked at him and said, go away its over and dont come near me again or i will get silly.....he hasent tried again...this was after approx 14 attempts...in a year.....terri even they know when its over and when you are wavering....he knows you are wavering....for what to go back to hell again...to have to pull yourself out of hell again....he doesnt want you..he only wants what he cant have...and when he can have it he wont want it again...and he will be worse...b/c in his little fucked up mind he will think you deserve to be treatd this way FOR GOING BACK...as ironic as it sounds, he will "GRUDGINGLY RESPECT YOU FOR SAYING NO"....he is not worth this....and you are worth your weight in gold...please listen to someone who has been where you are....but come out the other side and is so glad, so content, so happy, to be out forever....lovexxx

#20 Oct 29 - 10AM

wholeagain

Peace

You can get to peace and contentment, but you know what you need to do to get there...he has too much access to you and while you're doing great at being strong (not answering) I know from my own experience that just seeing his name on caller ID can throw you back a long way...exhaust you...take over way too much brain and heart space... You're not sure how you feel anymore likely because you're numbing out from him bombarding you (i.e. love-bombing). So the question for you today is how long are you going to allow him to take that piece of you? How long before you block his number so you can reclaim your peace? (((Terri)))

#21 Oct 29 - 11AM (Reply to #2)

terri

thank you

I was hoping to get these strong supportive comments from you all and what you've written makes me feel better. I think I'm having a pity party for myself today because, even though I've been hanging in there, I still feel so lonely and alone. I have two kids that still live with me (16 and 14) and being a single mom and working full time takes up all of my time. I keep talking to friends (who have partners) who are telling me about all their plans for this Halloween weekend (parties, parties, parties) and I have NO PLANS! My 16-yr old is going to a couple parties and my 14-yr old is special needs and it will probably just be him and me again looking for something to do. I feel like I'm on the outside of the world looking in at everyone else living their wonderful lives (yes I know that's over-dramatizing it). This is SO NOT what I thought my life would be like. I KNOW that if I had a better social life with lots of people to make plans with on evenings and weekends, I wouldn't be so susceptible to the N's hoovering. But I just don't have any time after my responsibilities. And to add more challenge to being NC and alone, I broke my foot and ankle on Labor Day and have been hobbling around on crutches - and that has REALLY hampered any progress at getting out there and rebooting my life. Today I'm feeling really stuck about how to make the changes in my life that will get it back on track. I just feel like my life has become ALL ABOUT responsibility and being along all the time. This is usually where I get angry at myself for being such a crybaby and kickstart myself into action to get out there and make something happen. Hopefully, I'll be able to do that for this weekend too. I really deserve to have a wonderful weekend for a change!!!!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#22 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #5)

Mariline

Terri, you are a wonderful

Terri, you are a wonderful woman. Why don't you live near me? We could have been together, your son and my son. Anyway I am staying at home , closed inside until Wednesday, I have a horrible bronchitis which does not go away ( probably because I must go to work anyway, maybe?) and a cough which is making me mad. But just imagine to stay with me, I will be near you with my thoughts. I would be proud to have a woman like you as a friend of mine. ((hugs)))

#23 Oct 29 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

terri

mariline - thank you!!

Your words most certainly make me feel less lonely and alone. I know there are thousands of women just like me out in the world feeling the same way. We all love our children and are getting more out of being good mothers to them than I think we realize. You will be in my thoughs as well and please get better! I would be very proud to have you as my friend as well! thanks for your compassion.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#24 Oct 29 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

Qing Yuan

Terri.. I read you post and

Terri.. I read you post and I felt so deeply sad. Its not fair for you to feel like this. My headt goes out to you. I feel your pain and I wanted to wish you find some peace. You are not a cry baby, you need to cry, you need to let it all out and feel it and then you can move on.. I cry as much as I need too.. It helps release the pent up energy from my deep anger.. but you do feel this way and so do 100's of single mothers. Its a syndrome of our modern society. Isolated woman everywhere, working all hours to make ends meet, striving for some little patch of this world to call their own. Trying to make a world for our children that is some thing better than what we had. We think we have found what other people out there, do find, companionship, safety, security, home, peace, and love... Only to find we have surrendered everything, our womb, out nurturing gene, all included, to a man who is none of these ideals. Infact he is less than ideal in most every way and in the end even his 'good' side become fake and facile. We trudge along in the wake of heart break and our children have no choice to bare the slings and arrows of having a parent, whose love waivers and is perhaps not bonofide! whose mother dodges verbal bullets that are almost unseen to the public eye. Its not fair that you are feeling so alone... I understand. Its a strange and subtle paradox. We do not complain because we love our children and we love, loving them... But we lack the fundamental of 'family' life.. It makes us feel unstuck? I do I feel like I am somehow inadequate. I long for family walks in the country side or family dinners (where it was comfortable and amicable) I guess we have to embrace the masculine and be both mum and dad to our kids. Its just not easy... I am so sorry to read that you broke your ankle.. thats awful I think we get hit when were down, you know. I hope it gets beter for you soon. Tell your self you can rebuild your life becasue I know you can.. If you want it enough it will come... God Bless xxx

#25 Oct 29 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

terri

Qing Yuan - thank you

Your words made my eyes well up with tears. It's heartwarming to read the very kind words that you've all posted to me today. I look around me in my world and see people who have it much worse than I do and I tell myself to suck it up and get on with it. One day I won't have my kids at home and so close to me and I'll miss these days when they were here. I keep telling myself to enjoy each day and the blessings it brings. Just like everyone here - I have my good days and my bad days. Today is just a really bad one. Part of my sadness comes from missing having a partner to help complete my family. My ex-husband (not a narc) and I grew apart when our son was born with Down Syndrome and a very serious heart defect. The first couple of years were devoted to keeping him alive and after the stress of that, my ex and I just sort of lost our way. We divorced, thinking that we were doing the right thing. But I look back on that decision now and think it was a big mistake. Oh, if only we could have "do-overs" in our lives! He's happily remarried to a very nice woman and we all get along well. I think about how his life has moved on and I'm happy for him. It just makes me very sad that I've kept myself in this rotten relationship with this immature, selfish, self-centered, manipulative, hateful, fake, lying narc for 8+ years. Even though I blame myself for staying in this for so long and wasting all those years, I also realize that it was the positive, hopeful, loving, forgiving and patient side of me that kept me there always trying to make it work. I truly hope that I can offer those qualities again in my life to someone truly deserving of them and capabile of offering the same in return. I'll be thinking of you as well this weekend and sending you loving thoughts. thanks again for your compassionate, caring support! I love the people here - how in the hell did we all get lured into narcville!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

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