I'm about to cave in..

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#1 Oct 25 - 2PM
ekat
ekat's picture

I'm about to cave in..

It's only been 3 days NC. Sitting alone at home, fortunately very busy with work, but my mind strays. I can't help wondering what he's doing, I can't help wanting to write to him, to call him. I know he's probably thinking all kinds of awful things about me. I was kind of ok during the day for a couple of hours, but now I feel like I am not strong enough to do this, and in spite of everything, I just cannot imagine my life without him..

Oct 25 - 3PM
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

My process of getting to NC

ekat, It's just recently that I came to truly believe that NC is the way to survive, but I only got to that point after falling into the same hole time after time. Over the past two years, I struggled to go a few days or a couple weeks without contact. One time, I got to two months after the narc raged at me so intensely that I felt I would be demeaning myself to talk to him. But slowly the memories of the good times surfaced and stood out over the fact that most of it was hell. The desire for the illusion of the fantasy of the seduction phase swayed me to contact him. Spit in the wind. Bang my head against the wall. Exhaust myself. Believe his lies. Accept almost no commitment to the relationship or contact from him in order to have the thinnest thread of a relationship. Mind you this was all limited to texting and emails by this point. I had to encounter the last piece of humiliating treatment and knowledge that he was seducing and flirting with other women before I resolved to go NC. I hope you can get there sooner than I did. But given my experience, I was only ready to go NC when I was ready. Up until I was ready, I could only in engage in damage control which was to limit contact as much as possible given my desire to still maintain communication. It was "harm reduction", not harm elimination. Only you know what you are ready to do. But please reduce the harm to you and work toward eliminating it. The process IS excruciatingly difficult. At least, it was for me.
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #22)
ekat
ekat's picture

Actually, even before finding

Actually, even before finding this forum, I did have a few periods of NC. Same scenario (that's why I don't trust myself to hold out), he tells me he never wants to hear from me ever again. At first when that happened I would write frantic emails, text him,.. and beg for him to change his mind. It made me feel so bad about myself and so dis-empowered. And then, when he would say things like that, I would give him one chance, I would open the door, he would play hard to get, liek if I said "shall we talk" he would say "I don't think you've understood, I NEVER EVER want to speak to you again". So I would leave it at that. What's the point in wanting to talk to someone who has so clearly said he didn't want to talk to me. The longest NC I did was one week. The first days were hell, but I must admit, by the end of the week, I was actually feeling a little better and very empowered. He has always come back though and always somehow we would start again.. Thank you so much to you and everyone on here for your support. It means the world to me.
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
darling.girl
darling.girl's picture

My narc didn't want contact from me either

ekat, My exN told me we were over. "Get over it," and "Move on," he said. Yet, I still contacted him. I would text, email, send poems even though I didn't get a response. How pathetic is that? I was providing him with supply and he didn't even have to talk to me! How low can you go? Then his other supply must have gone dry, because he started to talk to me. I was happy, again, but only temporarily. He kept me hanging on by the thinnest of threads, by rewarding my efforts only on occasion. The insult to injury was in one of his last texts to me he said something along the lines of "I tolerated your numerous texts and emails to me for your benefit." Boy, did I give my power over to him. I'm done!
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #24)
ekat
ekat's picture

They are really capable of

They are really capable of saying the most hurtful things aren't they? Mine said to me that the only reason I loved him was because he was willing to tolerate me and my bad mood. He also said to me that I did everything for my own convenience, like going to see him. Yeah, like travelling 8 hours there and 8 hours back over a week-end and getting back exhausted and going back to work Monday morning is so very convenient! Never a "thank you for coming all this way to see me"!
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #25)
NPDhater
NPDhater's picture

well he would'nt thank you

well he would'nt thank you would he? Your meant to thank him for letting you see him, lol, god they make my blood boil ahh. : )
Oct 25 - 5PM (Reply to #26)
ekat
ekat's picture

Looking at it from that

Looking at it from that perspective, definitely makes a lot more sense :-) and it also explains a lot.
Oct 25 - 3PM
NPDhater
NPDhater's picture

Hi there, can i ask you this?

Hi there, can i ask you this? how did you come to realise that yr Ex is a narc?
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #17)
ekat
ekat's picture

I still am not sure whether

I still am not sure whether he is. But I was telling my story to someone and they told me to read up about it. That's when I began to see a lot of similarities with my situation. Even though I could not believe that he was, finally things which seemed so unexplainable were explained, and I guess it reassured me a little on my sanity, so I started reading more, untill I found this site. Why do you ask? Do you think I am wrong? Do you think maybe he isn't? I'm just so confused right now, I don't even know what to think..
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
NPDhater
NPDhater's picture

Also dont confuse confusion

Also dont confuse confusion with instinct, and to keep listening to it, because women have been blessed with it. only acceptance for what he is will confirm to you that thank god your friend gave you the info, because shes saved you, with this great website,if you follow the steps and as a saying i know of, 'learn to listen'and 'listen to learn, we have hope. We need to learn that we cannot change them, we do not have that power. there cursed.
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
NPDhater
NPDhater's picture

No way do i think yr wrong,

No way do i think yr wrong, lol its just with my own personal experience, i felt like i was going nuts, thinking 'come on now, u may of got him wrong!' like hell i have. Ask yourself this? How much fight have u left in you? seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years? it can on and on, they never let go, its all part of the act of deceit, they love it!! Your more worthy not worthless than that. x
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #19)
ekat
ekat's picture

I suppose I feel that way

I suppose I feel that way too, that I'm going crazy. When I first started reading about all this, I would intelectually tick all the similarities, but then emotionally I would reject them all. I still find it difficult to accept. I still don't understand how there can be people like that, I had no clue about it till now.
Oct 25 - 3PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ok if you contact him.. What

Ok if you contact him.. What are you going to get our of it?? Tell me? Having a conversation with my dog is more rewarding!! Hunter
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #15)
ekat
ekat's picture

I know, I won't get anything

I know, I won't get anything out of it. In fact, spending time on this forum and communicating with all of you wonderful people has actually completely taken my mind off even the idea of contacting him. Thank you all so much!
Oct 25 - 3PM
bumblebee
bumblebee's picture

I'm only on Day Two..

And I never want to go back to day one again. I have started a tally of my NC days called the "Peace Count" - the more days I get tallied up, the closer I get to feeling a sense of peace and calm in my life. I KNOW you can do it. You need to believe you can too! And the suggestion of getting through one hour, and then the next hour, and then figure out what you want for dinner - cook if you can - maybe throw on a little TV and get to bed early. Tomorrow, you'll wake up and be SO glad and proud of yourself for not giving in. You can do it!
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #13)
ekat
ekat's picture

That is a wonderful idea,

That is a wonderful idea, keeping a Peace Count. I should try something like that too, I am sure it gives a good sense of achievement. Thank you for your kind support, it is so wonderful to have found such a warm and understanding group of people.
Oct 25 - 3PM
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

ekat

After reading your story you will get many replies I'm sure. Your Narc is textbook and you deserve better. Please go NC/Block and do not cave in. You have been emotionally abused and need to wake up and heal yourself. Why do you care if he is thinking awful things about you? He abused you during your time together. Like Hunter said, his actions did not match his words. You are a victim and need to read and educate yourself. They do not change and he had complete control over you and your emotions. Do not give in to him, he will only destroy you further. Its good you have distance between you, there is no chance of running into him (mine lives 1 mile away and works at same company). It is a long road but you have come to the right place. We have all been in similar situations and please listen to the advice you are given. They are sick disordered people and you don't want to continue and have more years with him only to then realize you wasted so much time with him. Good luck, stay strong, do things for YOU!! Block his emails/texts, etc and go NC!!
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #9)
ekat
ekat's picture

I often thought I was

I often thought I was over-reacting, I still do not know what to believe, but being validated in the way I felt during this relationship, you cannot imagine how much it helps. I find it difficult thinking of him as a narcissist, even though the evidence is all there. I am such a strong believer in humanity, I find it very difficult to accept that someone is truly incapable of love.. and truly breaks my heart.
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #11)
Lisa87
Lisa87's picture

doesn't matter if he is Narc or not

he still abused you and did not show his love. A diagnosis isn't important, its how you were treated and you deserve better. There are many disorders although he screams Narc to me. It breaks all of our hearts to know someone is incapable of love but as you read more you will become educated. This is their personality and deep down the truth is that they cannot love the same way we know and want to be loved.
Oct 25 - 4PM (Reply to #10)
NPDhater
NPDhater's picture

its scary when we take the

its scary when we take the goggles off, you need to remember all them painful stabs he gave you, they can scar the heart. take it one day at a time, your stronger than him because you have this website thats full of great advise, whats he got? himself, he needs pity and be grateful your not like him.. Be strong Girl. x
Oct 25 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Ekat, dearheart, this is where

you change the script one moment at a time. Don't re-write history. Put the REALITY GOGGLES on. Circumstances will be exactly the same as what brought you here if you contact him. The only difference is you will have spent more of your precious time on the disordered one and less of it on getting your life back and feeling good about yourself and attracting the kind of things you want in your life. The pull toward the "familiar" is very, very strong in the early days of NC. I know this. I have made many mistakes in my six year venture into hell. The last time I went NC I made it 21 days and he came pounding on my door in the middle of the night. I let him in. In so doing I let myself in for another YEAR of hell only to be D & D'd a year later on almost THE EXACT SAME DATE. The final D & D almost destroyed me. Literally. Please do not make this mistake. Ekat, precious one, I am almost 12 months NC and I am here to tell you that the hard work, pain and confusion PAID OFF BIG TIME!!! My life is better than I ever thought it could be and than it ever, ever was in the six years of hell I endured because I "thought" I "needed it." It was total NC that allowed the fog to lift and for me to see clearly that I was not the problem. That all I did was offer love and understanding and compassion and what I got in return was ABUSE, CONFUSION, CHAOS, TERRORISM, SELF-DOUBT, SELF-LOATHING...it goes on and on. I no longer feel I "need" these things. Please give NC a try minute by minute. Don't worry that you're obsessing about him. It's normal. Just know that you are and dismiss it. Tell yourself that if you really really want to contact him you'll wait ten minutes. And then when the ten minutes is up tell yourself the same thing. Soon it builds on each other and you realize that to contact him would be to invite more CONFUSION, CHAOS AND SELF-DOUBT into your life, not to mention loss of self-respect and sending a message to him that it's okay to be treated poorly because you'll be right back for more. Ekat, please consider these things. It is so smart of you to post here instead of contacting him! That's outstanding and you should feel good about that. Concentrate on how good you are doing, not on what you think you are "missing." I am here to tell you that you are "missing" nothing but more and deeper pain. I hope this helps, dearheart. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A CHOICE AND I CHOOSE MYSELF!

spinning

Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
ekat
ekat's picture

I am sorry you spent so much

I am sorry you spent so much time with that person, I only spent a year and I feel completely broken. Thank you for your kind words and your warmth. I will do my best to follow your advice. I am so grateful for this forum. I have not received so much empathy and validation in a long long time.
Oct 25 - 2PM
5kdznme
5kdznme's picture

Yes you can!!

I'm going to hang on to your life raft myself. We have kids together so NC completely is not realistic but MC is. The longest we've gone with complete NC is two weeks and I was on vacation with my kids for one of them so it was easier. Every time he calls/texts or kids want to talk to him I have to consider that another Day 1 of NC. Last day we saw him/talked to him was Sat night - so this is Day 3 for me too. I don't know if the itch starts because I have things I need to discuss with him (Halloween coming up, kids need clothes, I need money) or because I'm genuinely concerned about what he's up to. What makes me feel better and keep me NC is that if *I* am thinking about him, he must be thinking about me wondering the same thing. After all, I am here with all our kids, in our nice house, with our dogs, friends, etc. He has his own lonely, cold, place all alone with no one. He's got to be feeling the isolation way worse than we are which will give him a lot more time to think. Evil as it sounds, I want him to be feeling that. I want him to feel a little piece of torture and loneliness that I've felt over the past 12yrs while with him. He made his bed, now he can lie in it. He didn't care about us when we needed him, we won't care about him either. Whether he's actually feeling that or not, I don't really care - as long as I believe that it's good enough for me to keep from contacting him. I don't even want to offer him a crumb. The two weeks we were in no contact, the first few days were the hardest, but even as inexperienced with this as I am, I cannot deny that I started to feel a heck of a lot better about my life in general when I just lived it without him in my thoughts every day.
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #4)
ekat
ekat's picture

I am so sorry that you cannot

I am so sorry that you cannot go completely NC because you still need to see him. You are so strong to manage that! I know that he'll be thinking of me, but what he'll be thinking is what a horrible person I am to not be contacting him, even though he ended the call on Saturday while I was just crying uncontrolably because he had said yet again that he never wanted to see me ever again and that his life would be so much better without me. How can he say such things when all I've given him was love? An how can he be so heartless as to end the call when I am sobbing on the other end? I wish I could have a little anger in me, it would help, but right now I'm just devastated.
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #5)
spinning
spinning's picture

eKat, dearheart, you have

cognitive dissonance. It is written all over your post here. Here are some helpful blogs to understand why you feel this way right now. Knowledge is power! Hang in there, braveheart. The effort is worth it! http://www.lisaescott.com/2011/04/19/why-we-obsess-about-narcissist http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-you-find-it-hard-to-get-over-someone-that-future-faked-and-fast-forwarded/ Three days NC is a really tough time. Take it one minute at a time... I hope these blogs help. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. AND IT FEELS GREAT!

spinning

Oct 25 - 2PM
a65703
a65703's picture

PLEASE DON'T

I just wrote a post about my situation with NC! I finally feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel, though it might be SMALL and a CRACK right now and I am MILES away from that SUNSHINE, my cave used to be SO DARK and I was so lost. The first couple of days, and I assume weeks (months probably too...unfortunately) are rough. I am barely 2 weeks, but please don't. Try to put off contacting him, say in an hour I will, and when that passes, try another hour, and repeat my instructions! until you can put off no contact for one day, etc. Time and No contact are what the doctor ordered! I don't know your situation or story with your Narcissist, but please believe you are STRONG. We wasted so much time on these people (days, weeks, months, and some of us years) focus on your recovery because reaching out and making contact with HIM WILL SET YOU BACK immensely and LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR THAT!
Oct 25 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
ekat
ekat's picture

Thank you for your words.. I

Thank you for your words.. I will try to put off the urge of calling him and just take it one step at a time.