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I messed up....

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#1 Apr 16 - 12PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

I messed up....

Since I feel so accountable to all of you, I have to say, I replied to one of his txts. I was doing so well for 6 weeks, he stalks me and i do well by acting indifference and quite frankly, did not feel anything for him. Well- this morning, he txted me. First one said " Good morning beautiful- I ignored that one as I have ignored all of them and 2 hours later ,he txted he was going to another gym and wanted me to come with him and he was coming over tomorrow and wanting to see me to talk with me. I was upset as I felt I have done everything I could do to ignore him and be indifferent yet he feels he has every right to see me? So- regretfully I txted him saying no, I don't want to go to another gym with him and he should start going there from now and no-I'll be out of town and i never wanted to see him as our dysfunctional relationship is and has been over. He txted back "i will do what I want when I want like you do" . I told him never txt me and to leave me alone. He did not reply since. I am extremely disappointed in myself for becoming weak as I did. I'm embarrassed that I could even give advice to women here to go NC when I just messed up myself and mostly I'm angry at myself bc all it caused me was upset, angry pissed-off feelings I used to have when I was with him. I was doing so well before he stalked me down one day 2 weeks ago. I was feeling so much better and now I feel as if i'm starting day 1 NC except without the crying and hurt feelings. I'm sorry for letting myself and others down. You would think I would have listened to my own words and others. He is such a loser and I just wasted a day to mark off of my calendar all for a loser like him.

Apr 16 - 6PM
moving on
moving on's picture

NC

It happens girl. Just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on. I've broken NC at least twice and now I am 15 days out. It happens especially when they stalk you like this guy is. What a loser! It's easier for me because he never contacted me afterward. Just don't worry about it. Can you block his #?
Apr 16 - 6PM
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

women comments

Thanks for your endearing comments. I truly appreciate the support and encouragement and i should know to always come here when I'm weak. You guys are like my best friends. Sometimes the support and love is so overwhelming it makes me cry. It's so upsetting what a loving group of women these predators have hurt on this website. You guys are great:-).
Apr 16 - 5PM
better off
better off's picture

I wouldn't even count that

I wouldn't even count that AS messing up! You told him NO and to leave you alone. At least you didn't tell him you missed him, which is what I did when I first broke NC! Mine was ignoring me instead of bothering me though, so that's what pushed MY buttons, lol.
Apr 16 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Oh Please!

Hardly serious. Don't be too controlling or perfectionist yourself. These guys are just so infuriating . . . it would take a saint to be perfectly composed at all times. Dude's a jerk. Take care of yourself.
Apr 16 - 5PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

enoughalready

Come sit next to me and join the "I broke NC club" sweetie! I've done it too in the beginning...and you know, it's only been 6 weeks for you...that is soooo early. Everyone goes at the own pace with NC. If you keep in mind that it's not for us, or for him...it's for YOU, then maybe that will help you not reply next time. I personally continued to read e-mails from my ex for months after I left. Not only was this to keep tabs on his whereabouts, but his BS helped me move forward. IF it made me sad and miss him, I'd probably block it totally. You have seen how his replies to you make you feel, you may have needed that 'bump' to propel you into some real healing. You even say, you're starting NC without the sadness...you're more PO'd it sounds, which might be a whole new phase for you. Anger helped me a lot...then it turned into more 'indifference' over time. So, try not to look at it as a 'failure'...the fact that you're away is H-U-G-E!!! Pat yourself on the back for getting through some really tough stuff already. Next time you feel the need to reply, come here and vent it all...we'll listen! Hugs!
Apr 16 - 2PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Enough

Don't be so hard on yourself girl! Yes, you are back to day one of NC but as far as HIM knowing how much he got to you, he doesn't so be glad about that! We all slip up from time to time & each time we realize they are the same assholes! Each time we realize how awful they make us feel. Your narc can go screw himself! You blew him off! If he doesn't text again, good, you told him to take a hike. If he does, well, you know to stay strong (it'll be the same song & dance). Either way, YOU blew him off, not the other way around!! I know you feel unsettled but let that SOB hit the road!
Apr 16 - 1PM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

Oh heck i lost count how

Oh heck i lost count how many times i broke NC . Just start again , the more you break it the more resolve you get because you realise that all you get is hurt and pain from it , its a learning curve . Please dont beat your self up over it , he has hurt you enough . Big Love to you Scoop x
Apr 16 - 1PM
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Enoughalready

Don't be your own worst enemy now - be kind to yourself - you just lapsed - as most of us do. Just get back on the wagon and be kind to yourself about it. Sometimes it takes lapses to keep getting it and experiencing how bad it is with them - so think of it as a learning moment. Next time you get the urge and we all get the urge, you can look back on this moment. ANd maybe next time post first that you are having the urge, before actually doing it. It can help stop you. Look this is a long, tortuous process and inherently unreasonable position we have all been put in with these guys. That you have gotten as far as you have is a miracle and only due to your amazing capacity to perceive the truth and educate yourself as much has you have. You are an incredibly valuable member of this forum. I so look forward to your thoughtful posts. ANd you are human like us all and please dont feel ashamed. If anyone understands falling of the N wagon it's this group!! What a skanky loser anyway ...."Good Morning Beautiful, want to go to workout together?'. LOL what N drugs is he on - Heavy NNNNarcotics. they have an amazing ability to wash out reality it is so crazymaking. ANd beside it's not like you went and worked out with him and admired his glistening biceps only to be DD'd again - that would be far worse than telling him you don;t want to workout with him and you never want contact again! You may feel he got the upper hand again by his text back. But he didn't. You didn't reply. The longer you go NC again, the more empowered you will feel once more. NC is what we learn through experiences like yours - we're not hard-wired for it. It's always a challenge, and it s a process. (((hugs))) to you
Apr 16 - 6PM (Reply to #2)
lili124
lili124's picture

relapsed also

I also had a relapse and now and am starting over. I had been 3 1/2 mo NC and I blew it to only just hurt myself and not him. This is a hard journey but I know I must be kind to myself and not beat myself up. We had all been hurt and we learn so much for each other. Thanks for all the posts.
Apr 16 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

lili

Yep, it's VERY hard! Those messages from them are deeply embedded in our brain, it takes work, time, messing up...getting up and brushing off, trying again. I remember about the time when I felt like I hit the "point of no return" with my ex. When he was probably so pissed off that I was ignoring him (I could feel the subtle contempt in his e-mails). Talking to him would mean being lectured, I'm sure, and taking him back would mean me paying for it FOREVER, and endless torture. It hurt so much to force myself to 'that point', but I did, and that kind of gave me strength to continue...because I knew I just COULDN'T take him back now...if that makes sense!