I failed...

35 posts / 0 new

#1 Feb 28 - 10AM

Krooks

I failed...

Don't have much to say about it other than - I failed. Don't know why. Don't know what I was looking for. Why I thought contacting him would do anything. Was I too happy yesterday? Proud of myself for finally telling my sister I needed help and opening up to a close friend? ... I know - NC. NC. NC. NC. ... And yet, I fail. Time and time again - I fail. EYE contact HIM. Somehow I must think I deserve to be treated like this. He does not care for me. Does not care - period. And still, I called. EYE called. He is long gone - no doubt moved on to an OW, spent last week on vacation and lied to me about it, lies to me about every single thing imaginable, then makes me feel like I'm crazy for thinking that. My story is no different than most people here -- only I just can't seem to care enough about myself to let go. To not want to force a different outcome. To not be jealous of him. ... Jealous of him! Can you believe it??? As insane as that sounds - I am actually jealous. I wish I could just turn him off the way he has with me. I wish I could go on living my life functioning in a normal world without constant thoughts of him. I wish I could just be light and "happy" again. And even if he is none of those things - he does not obsess over me. He goes out with friends and OW and feels no remorse with me or with anyone else he is toying with. He laughs and stirs up a crowd. He draws people to him and creates the moments I lived with him for anyone that will entertain him. He enjoys his parasitic way of being. ... I live in guilt, self-loathing, disgust, disappointment, fear and pain day in and day out... Constantly distracted. Unable to function at work, unable to be a good friend, sister, etc. to anyone. With spontaneous bouts of crying fits and self pity parties galore. ... I wish I could just turn it all off. On Sunday night - I felt decent again. And by 2pm yesterday I kicked into full self-sabatoge... pining for him. I have no hope right now. This man is evil and that still doesn't stop me. I ask myself what I'm looking for and why I constantly don't recognize that I cannot get it from him. Have been for the past 3.5 years. To no avail. I know I want to be happy, I know I want to step out of this purgatory - no run out of it - I know I want to be healthy again and eventually find someone that is worthy of sharing my life with, have kids, all of that ... I'm 32 years old... Lost the last 3.5 years of my life to a psychopath... but still, I don't run, I dwell. I called him. And I've been calling him despite how horribly he treats me for the past 3.5 years. He threw me around a hotel room - hotel called the police - I got arrested because I would not tell the police what happened and police were trying to "protect" me ... and yet, once the dust settled - I did not report him. I did not protect myself. No. I called him. The instant I was away from prying ears - those of people who love me and just held my hand through an excruciating period - I called him. ... Prior to that - he used another lawyer to threaten my job and my career - viciously had me "served" at my office in front of colleagues (bc I found out he bought a house with his wife) ... my career -- which (tho I am slowly throwing it away) I have spent 80++hour work weeks for 7 years building ... and yet, 2 months later when I saw him walking past me I RAN into his arms and was enveloped in "us" making it better (i.e. me putting up with his shit and him never acknowledging how completely fkd all that he had done to me was) .... And God - there's soo much more. In these short 3.5 years, I have lived 100 years of pain and suffering. I have been trapped in a living purgatory worse than any hell I could ever imagine. ... But I don't stop it. ... In fact, I create it. And I keep creating it. I've lived my life as 29 going on 22 - always full of energy and spirit. And now, I am 32 going on 99 ... drained, distant, feeling as tho my insides have decayed and I will never have that life again ... Every time I try - I fail. I know this is all a script. One that I live in. One that I retell and make more real for myself. But it's one that I cannot break free from...

#2 Feb 28 - 7PM

onwithmylife

krooks

you did not fail, i was with mine for 15 freaking years and even 3 years out i sought closure, all I got was horrible, hateful mail from him because he/they will never look within themselves, even if it kills them.they are so disordered.emotionally stunted, left as 2 year old toddlers in the guise of men, get therapy, do what ever it takes to do no contact, I learned the very hard way this last and final go around.........YOU are not alone, i went back so many times during the relationship, I lost count and also lost the chance to go with a really nice man..........

#3 Feb 28 - 7PM

Run4it

If you are a runner

then you understand discipline. NC is the same. You run because you want to be fit, lose weight, win a race, meet a goal etc. When you first start, it is not fun and it hurts. But each time, it gets better and then after a few weeks you can run further and then after a few months, you are cruising through what used to be so hard and loving it! NO CONTACT is just like training for a race except this time, at the finish line is your life and your sanity and joy!

#4 Feb 28 - 5PM

Goldie

You are describing what many of us have also done

Sounds like me. I kept going back in spite of the obvious, in spite of losing much, and in spite of everyone who loved me telling me to stay away from this Jackass. You are perfectly describing the addiction aspect and the wanting to go back looking for a different result over and over again. Sometimes going back not even looking for a different result, just looking for that FIX. I get it. Been there, my dear and it SUCKS. The good news is that there is a solution and the ONLY solution which I have found that works it to: GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME APART.....NC It is not untll you give yourself a chance to heal, clear up, and regain some of your own thoughts, that you can see what is up. Also many of us do continue to go back until we hit the ultimate bottom and sometimes that is NOT PRETTY by any stretch. I shudder right now to think of how low I had to sink before I had enough. I hear you girl. Keep sharing and reading and hopefully something will begin to click for you. We do understand, trust me on that. I feel your pain and fear that you cannot end this. I was there as well; you can end this, one second, minute, hour, day, at a time. We are here to support you in this when you are ready. God bless, Goldie

#5 Feb 28 - 5PM

TNR1

Hey Krooks..you totally did

Hey Krooks..you totally did not fail. If these guys were so easy to get over we would not need boards like this one. We get on the rollar coaster convinced that the momentary highs are worth the lows..and the highs become fewer and fewer and the lows become more often and yet...we cling to those highs..those breadcrumbs..those moments like they are the greatest thing since sliced bread. You didn't fail..you were conditioned to react to him a certain way...and getting yourself free of that takes time. Instead of beating yourself up every time to you miss him, every time you want to text him, every time you feel that emptiness..just be curious about it. Look at the situation with wonderment...as in "hmmmmm...what is triggering me today?" Spend some time really looking into that...I can't say it will get you out of feeling the way you feel..but currently you are not treating yourself kindly and you need to do that. Would you treat a friend the way you are treating yourself? That is what my therapist used to say. Be kind to yourself because you are definately worth it. HUGS!! My PM is always open.

#6 Feb 28 - 4PM

neverlookback

No Contact

is a process and everyone fails many times with it - until one day you finally do it and succeed!! You know that it must be done and you will also achieve NC - It took me awhile to find the strength - after awhile I realized contacting him is more painful than NC - contact will destroy you, NC hurts but you will also regain yourself back and heal from the psychopath - x0

#7 Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

Hunter

NLB

You were the one who stopped me once.from making contact. Two very effective words " WHY BOTHER" You were 100 % correct.. You may not know with your help I was able to come out a winner.. So.. For you Krooks " WHY BOTHER" Hunter

#8 Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #28)

neverlookback

WHY BOTHER

Whats the use and what will it change? You will never be able to reach him or make him understand so its like trying to contact the dead. I remember once towards the end I told him he stole 5 years from my life I can never get back and that he F'd me over like nothing I have ever experienced - and this is what he said: "What are you talking about" I DID NOTHING wrong to you and I dont feel an ounce of guilt in any way, thats ON YOU, and only in your little mind" W O W !!!! Spoken by a true psychopath - I often think of that when I think of how futile contacting this sick man would be, because this is the type of person I am dealing with and why would I want to speak to someone that is THIS SICK!!!!! He honestly thinks he did NOTHING WRONG that its acceptable to lie and con women into thinking you love them - a 56 year old grown man wearing a disguise that I was the love of his life only to discover his sick perversions and the true agenda he had for me that he conceals - and he thinks he did NOTHING WRONG? THis guy was so bad I dont think he KNOWS right from wrong even if the books say they do. So Hunter when I said WHY BOTHER you can see why - you might as well go talk to a mental patient that is locked up before you ever want to contact someone like this - you would probably get farther - they are insane and they walk away laughing at the pain they caused you - He was telling me there is nothing wrong with pretending to love someone so you can rape them, and if you got hurt then that is YOUR FAULT, NOT MINE. This is how they think, they are INSANE. WHY BOTHER -

#9 Feb 28 - 8PM (Reply to #29)

Hunter

We my friend have come a long

We my friend have come a long way.. We have such a different voice then we did..Wahoooooo.. Much gratitude to you.. Hunter

#10 Feb 28 - 9PM (Reply to #30)

neverlookback

Yes we have Hunter

We finally see how sick and insane they are - this all comes down to the caliber of people we choose to have in our lives; I am no saint by any means and I have made my full share of mistakes and have made some very wrong choices but I am not a BAD person - I try to do what is right - but these individuals are about the worst form of humans that exist - it was an insult to the way I was raised that I lowered myself to even associate with this type of person, I KNEW BETTER - my parents would have been heart broken to know I lowered myself in this manner. Thank GOD they never lived to see it. I may carry deep scars from this for a long time but I can live with that - we will never never go back or look back - they are dead to us I PM YOU x0

#11 Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #26)

sexy72

NC!

No contact is the only way! Also no looking at facebook or their business website etc. if they have one like mine does! I have been NC for over a month and I got obsessed with the one month marker and looked at his work fb page, I looked at his business website and had my gf look at his fb page! It was many steps backwards let me tell you, but I am back to NC on every level again and it is the only way to heal! I was the girl who cried and cried even to my therapist I couldn't stop! My friends and family everyone who knew what was up! That is part of it too, but don't loose your friends over the Narc too, don't exhaust them, unless they went through this they have NO idea! Come on here and vent to all of us and read read read!!!!!! Best therapy ever!

#12 Feb 28 - 2PM

Maggster

Krooks

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You are human and we all make bad choices. You know the deal, as we all do here. He is disordered and will never be the person you thought he was or you want him to be. But that doesn't mean you can't be the person you want to be. You have everything it takes love, kindness, compassion and empathy. Use it for you and treat yourself well. Initially, it was foreign to me to actually put myself first and take care of me. It took some time getting used to but I started slowly and am now beginning to embrace me 100%. I will tell you I have attempted NC more times that I want to admit but I'm here now and will keep fighting. You will get there and this forum won't let you down. Hold my hand and I'll hold yours. I'm thinking of you!

#13 Feb 28 - 11AM

Im_always_fine

My mom used to say," Fall

My mom used to say," Fall down 2 times...get up 3." GET UP again...at all costs. You will get better at this...you'll get up faster and stay up longer...before you know it you won't be tripping at all. Keep coming to these boards and don't stop reaching out for support. Don't you feel stronger since you've been coming here? I do.

#14 Feb 28 - 11AM

Hunter

Krooks, You didn't fail you

Krooks, You didn't fail you are processing. You know it's bad, here's the thing .. You can fix it .. You can Tell us over and over the same BS with him and continue this cycle or you can fix it.. What is he?? We already know? What has he done and continues to do to you ? We already know! What we don't know is how do you plan to fix this? It can be fixed .. We can guide you but ultimately you hold the KEY to a productive future ., Do you have Lisa's Books? Do you have a thearpist? Did you schedule a one On one with Goldie?? The tools are there dont leave them in the shelf and stare at them!! I would like you to tell us your plan to fix this. Hunter

#15 Feb 28 - 12PM (Reply to #13)

Krooks

I don't know... honestly ...

I don't know... honestly ... To answer a few of your questions: I have a therapist. She is amazing and has been instrumental in getting me to at least recognize the cycle of denial I was in. Last week I told her that I want to see her 2x a week for the next while when I started NC. I have Lisa's book Surviving a Narc. Have started reading it. Also have a handful of other books re abusive men and re loving yourself after abuse - most of which I've started but haven't finished any. I stopped putting away the things in my apartment that I would put away if he was coming over. I stopped creating the space for him to just walk back in. I started making plans with people and forcing myself to stop handing out excuses when I wanted to see him instead. I told him the last time we were together that I couldn't do it any more. When I was with him for his 39th birthday and valentines day I wasn't able to "fake" it the way I once was. I stopped pretending like I could be happy with a man that did not love me - and I know he saw it. I wasn't mean or cruel. I just wasn't there. I thought about asking how his day was and then thought I'd just get attacked for it - and that was all I needed. I have been talking about it with close friends and letting myself cry - which I usually have a hard time doing & think I kept going back to him in an attempt to "fix" things so that I wouldn't have to accept it (he) is broken and that I HAVE to hurt. In the course of talking about it - I have been asking for help -- something else I do not do very well and admitting that I can't do it on my own. ... I used to run every morning. Lately I find getting out of bed really hard. I know that part of my "plan" has to be to start running again - listen to books while I do or speakers like John O'Donohue. Even if I don't pick up immediately with my longer runs, getting out and doing something in the mornings has to be something I make an effort to do again. He used to make me feel like such sht about it - how it would wake him up or how I should want to spend my morning with him as I didn't get to be with him all day ... etc. etc. etc bullshit, bullshit, bullshit... I was doing something for me - to keep me healthy and happy - and he hated that. .... .... So - none of that sounds like a plan to me - especially as it's all stuff I've been doing. I guess maybe my homework for tonight is to formulate one. I have been straying away from it because I'm so scared of failing. So scared of not being able to stick to it and falling back so much further...

#16 Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #22)

sexy72

Run!

Get your butt up and out and go run again for you and only you! Don't let it be about him at all! Exercise helps depression and releases endorphines (sp) and you feel so much better and plus it gives you energy! You look better inside and outside so over all it is a win win for you either way! I gave up all my running and working out too, it has been hard to get back into the routine, but I do more for me now everyday! I go to Victoria's Secret and buy things for ME!!!! Actually I just did again today! :)

#17 Feb 28 - 12PM (Reply to #14)

Hunter

And this s a great plan..

And this s a great plan.. Sounds like a path for success certainially not failure.. There is no easy fix.. Try a Goldie one on one.. I'm positive that will seal your plan.. Sorry Hun, there is no magic pill.. You have had enough and you will get there.. Im positive you're an amazing woman .. In fact I'd love to hear who you are.. I don't want or need to hear anymore about this freak of nature.. Let's hear it Krooks.. He picked you because you are amazing .. It's no fun for a psychopath to pick on a weak woman.. They like you strong so they can make you weak.. I think it's time to prove this Assclown wrong.. And remember Silence = Fuck You Hunter

#18 Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #20)

sexy72

I am strong...I almost forgot!

So true Hunter he did pick me because I am strong, smart, witty, funny, fun, loving, giving and beautiful inside and out! I kept thinking I was picked out because he saw a weakness somewhere, like my weak marriage at the time, but I think it was my strength and what I could do for him that really attracted him to me! Sometimes I read on here though that they go for vulnerable women, that why they can have so many on the side so fast...so was I both to him? That is where I get confused?

#19 Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #21)

Hunter

Sexy72

You just said you suffered a weak marriage!! That was where you were vulnerable .. I'll se if I can find Somthing in my bag of tricks to help you. http://www.wellsphere.com/mental-health-article/you-and-the-narcissist-predator-and-prey/1240209 Hunter

#20 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

Krooks

Thanks Hunter. I know I have

Thanks Hunter. I know I have been hoping to just wake up one day and be the person I was before all of this disaster - without the constant ruminating over a lost cause, etc. I guess part of this process is figuring out what that means and who she is. ... Maybe the foundation of my plan should stem from there. Getting back in touch with the person I want to be and once was - and building off of those concepts to work towards becoming a better, healthier version of the me I loved and was proud of. Tonight I will respond and tell you all about who I am and how I aspire to be. ...

#21 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

Hunter

Follow the yellow brick

Follow the yellow brick road.. Keep on those Ruby Slippers.. There's no place like home .. Hunter

#22 Feb 28 - 12PM (Reply to #15)

Snowflake

Hey

That sounds a lot of a plan to me, theres plenty of ideas, things in place... Ok lets get you out of bed and running first, that'll get your endos going and get you into a better place. Tomorrow I would like you to do a run, will you do that?

#23 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #16)

Krooks

Yes!

#24 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #17)

Snowflake

Good girl

This is all about YOU ok, fuck him, he's nothing, lets get you better x

#25 Feb 28 - 11AM

Sparrow

You did not F-A-I-L, you

You did not F-A-I-L, you F-E-L-L. Never refer to yourself as a failure or failing. You are trying, that counts for something. Part of the problem is your expectations of yourself are way too high right now. This is not a race, nor a competition. If you see a member on the forum moving forward with each day, don't try to keep up, go at your own pace. You will get there, it may take a number of times trying and falling backwards, and trying again. The fact that you get back on your horse speaks volumes. I believe you are still in the addiction phase of this relationship. The hardest part to detach yourself from. It can be done. Try a little bit harder next time you get the urge or desire to reach out to him. You need to detox just like a drug, and while you are attemptiong to do so, it is easy to "try just one last time to talk to him". You know, in your heart of hearts that it is the worst thing you can do, but the addiction is telling you otherwise. Stay strong! You will get there! NC is the only way for you to heal. Always remember that. :)

#26 Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #11)

Krooks

Thanks Sparrow. You are

Thanks Sparrow. You are right - I constantly refer to where I am as "addicted"... Thank you for helping me to see how I was being towards myself.

#27 Feb 28 - 10AM

Used

krooks

I feel your pain so much....not beign able to get away, then if you get away, you cant stay away.... ....other than that I just dont know what to say except, please dont think of it as failure, try to think of it as you are human, with human feelings....he is not and never will be....You can love, He cannot.... DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP....JUST TRY TO ACCEPT FOR NOW...IT IS WHAT IT IS......XX

#28 Feb 28 - 10AM

Snowflake

Ok lets see..

My first question... What happened when you contacted him?

#29 Feb 28 - 10AM (Reply to #2)

Krooks

He answered. (Isn't that bad

He answered. (Isn't that bad enough? :P) ... We talked. i asked him about his vacation last week (pointless I know) and he lied or at least I have convinced myself that he was lying and all signs point to the same. He kept pretending like he couldn't hear what I was saying. Told me to call him back from a better connection and when I called him back moments later he didn't answer my call. I tried again a bit later and he answered - every time I would try to talk he would act as though he had a bad connection - he started telling me it just wasn't a good time for him and I told him it was the only time I could talk at all and wasn't playing his game of keeping me waiting for him today - which is always one of his tactics... he started to make the conversation about him and I stopped him. Told him I wasn't okay with the lies and wished he would just be real with me. Brought up an example of how I reacted to him after he was physically abusive a while back and how given that I didn't do anything wrong to begin with (tho he's been using a facade of being upset w me because I didn't contact him the weekend before last at all and ignored his attempts to play nice after reeling through some horrible sht he said around valentines day) -- I deserved at least honesty. he hung up on me. ... any time i have ever brought up what has happened between the two of us when he was physical with me (the incident I cited happened to be on valentines day 2009) he hangs up/walks away/shuts down & outright denies it ever happening. ... so what did I do afterwards? I called him back. Wrote a thousand texts but didn't send any other than one asking him to call me. ... The relationship is over. It's clear that he has moved on. It's clear that he does not care any more. ... Its me that has kept this horrible thing afloat for the past 3.5 years. It's me that has dragged him back every time.

#30 Feb 28 - 11AM (Reply to #7)

spinning

Krooks, if you ever want

this to end, YOU MUST CHANGE the script. You MUST stop having a hand in your own torture and abuse. You MUST stop believing that you will find relief at the hands of your MARRIED TORMENTOR. You must force yourself to trust that YOU ARE WORTH MORE than crumbs and lies; than being tossed around, hung up on, discarded, ignored. You MUST REJECT IT one second at a time. Are you in therapy? Please seek therapy as soon as possible. You are only 32 years old but you are entrenching yourself in a pattern of pain that is so familiar you are becoming accustomed to it. You will be destroyed. I say this because I lived it. I WAS MUCH OLDER AND AT AGE 53 LOST EVERYTHING after a six year round in HELL. I was like you. I kept chasing and getting discarded. Hoover and discard. The bar kept getting lower and lower. It got so low my sister told me "you have to dig a hole to find it." She was telling me the truth! You must CHOOSE TO WANT TO BE HAPPY more than you CHOOSE to continue the cycle. You have to choose it every single second. When you feel like you want to call him, MAKE ANOTHER CHOICE TO POST HERE or call a trusted friend. The more you chase his lying, cheating, married ass the more you send a message to him that he can do whatever he pleases and you'll be right back at it like a starving puppy just waiting to be kicked around. HE WILL NEVER GIVE YOU WHAT YOU DESIRE, and in fact this continuoum forces him to think of you as an object MORE AND MORE. DON'T CHOOSE THIS FOR YOURSELF! Please, Krooks. I'm not kidding here. This is not what LOVE FEELS LIKE! There is NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THIS! Please stop choosing to harm yourself. CHOOSE YOURSELF FIRST! We will help you, dear Krooks. If you make this commitment, truly go NC (get rid of his phone number, change your number, do whatever you must) I AM HERE TO TELL YOU YOU WILL BE SO HAPPY YOU DID! I am almost 16 months OUT OF HELL AND MY LIFE ROCKS!...Even at 54 years old. Now that I've swept out the debris and destruction it has made room for nurturing, loving relationships with people who care about me, who are fun and funny, who don't hang up on me, ignore me or bat me around. I WANT THIS FOR YOU TOO!!! Please consider accepting that to continue with this married maniuplator will get you nowhere except farther down into the dark hole. LOVE DOES NOT EQUAL PAIN! You can do this, Krooks. I, too, thought it was impossible...but guess what, it wasn't. Most sincerely, (not) spinning. IT'S A FIGHT TO STAY STOPPED BUT I'M WORTH THE EFFORT!

spinning

#31 Feb 28 - 11AM (Reply to #8)

Snowflake

Spinning

Absolutely love this post of yours x x x

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