I failed...
I failed...
Don't have much to say about it other than - I failed. Don't know why. Don't know what I was looking for. Why I thought contacting him would do anything. Was I too happy yesterday? Proud of myself for finally telling my sister I needed help and opening up to a close friend? ... I know - NC. NC. NC. NC. ... And yet, I fail. Time and time again - I fail. EYE contact HIM. Somehow I must think I deserve to be treated like this. He does not care for me. Does not care - period. And still, I called. EYE called. He is long gone - no doubt moved on to an OW, spent last week on vacation and lied to me about it, lies to me about every single thing imaginable, then makes me feel like I'm crazy for thinking that. My story is no different than most people here -- only I just can't seem to care enough about myself to let go. To not want to force a different outcome. To not be jealous of him. ... Jealous of him! Can you believe it??? As insane as that sounds - I am actually jealous. I wish I could just turn him off the way he has with me. I wish I could go on living my life functioning in a normal world without constant thoughts of him. I wish I could just be light and "happy" again. And even if he is none of those things - he does not obsess over me. He goes out with friends and OW and feels no remorse with me or with anyone else he is toying with. He laughs and stirs up a crowd. He draws people to him and creates the moments I lived with him for anyone that will entertain him. He enjoys his parasitic way of being. ... I live in guilt, self-loathing, disgust, disappointment, fear and pain day in and day out... Constantly distracted. Unable to function at work, unable to be a good friend, sister, etc. to anyone. With spontaneous bouts of crying fits and self pity parties galore. ... I wish I could just turn it all off. On Sunday night - I felt decent again. And by 2pm yesterday I kicked into full self-sabatoge... pining for him. I have no hope right now. This man is evil and that still doesn't stop me. I ask myself what I'm looking for and why I constantly don't recognize that I cannot get it from him. Have been for the past 3.5 years. To no avail. I know I want to be happy, I know I want to step out of this purgatory - no run out of it - I know I want to be healthy again and eventually find someone that is worthy of sharing my life with, have kids, all of that ... I'm 32 years old... Lost the last 3.5 years of my life to a psychopath... but still, I don't run, I dwell. I called him. And I've been calling him despite how horribly he treats me for the past 3.5 years. He threw me around a hotel room - hotel called the police - I got arrested because I would not tell the police what happened and police were trying to "protect" me ... and yet, once the dust settled - I did not report him. I did not protect myself. No. I called him. The instant I was away from prying ears - those of people who love me and just held my hand through an excruciating period - I called him. ... Prior to that - he used another lawyer to threaten my job and my career - viciously had me "served" at my office in front of colleagues (bc I found out he bought a house with his wife) ... my career -- which (tho I am slowly throwing it away) I have spent 80++hour work weeks for 7 years building ... and yet, 2 months later when I saw him walking past me I RAN into his arms and was enveloped in "us" making it better (i.e. me putting up with his shit and him never acknowledging how completely fkd all that he had done to me was) .... And God - there's soo much more. In these short 3.5 years, I have lived 100 years of pain and suffering. I have been trapped in a living purgatory worse than any hell I could ever imagine. ... But I don't stop it. ... In fact, I create it. And I keep creating it. I've lived my life as 29 going on 22 - always full of energy and spirit. And now, I am 32 going on 99 ... drained, distant, feeling as tho my insides have decayed and I will never have that life again ... Every time I try - I fail. I know this is all a script. One that I live in. One that I retell and make more real for myself. But it's one that I cannot break free from...
krooks
If you are a runner
You are describing what many of us have also done
Hey Krooks..you totally did
No Contact
NLB
WHY BOTHER
We my friend have come a long
Yes we have Hunter
NC!
Krooks
My mom used to say," Fall
Krooks, You didn't fail you
I don't know... honestly ...
Run!
And this s a great plan..
I am strong...I almost forgot!
Sexy72
Thanks Hunter. I know I have
Follow the yellow brick
Hey
Yes!
Good girl
You did not F-A-I-L, you
Thanks Sparrow. You are
krooks
Ok lets see..
He answered. (Isn't that bad
Krooks, if you ever want
spinning
Spinning