Help! He just doesn't get it

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#1 Jun 22 - 3PM
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

Help! He just doesn't get it

I don't hear from him since he moved what little he had out my house in three days.

His response

"It's a two way street" (God forbid you meet me halfway)

My response- "I ended the Mexican standoff the last time we had an arguement as you didn't call as you were 'mad" and weren't sure I was going to".

He claims he lets stuff "roll off his back"

However, this last arguement only ensued because he asked how I was feeling.

I let the whole thing go 10 hrs ago when it happened in the morning. He brought it up later that day and my reaction has been the hellfire that has caused the monkey wrench in our relationship.

We all do things that irritate each other. Choose battles wisely. My ex used to leave his socks on the kitchen counter. Got tired of arguing over it. Started laughing about it.

So, Narc calls. I tell him stuff doesn't feel the same to me. He thought things felt fine. (Naturually)

He is so upbeat and happy it is sickening. Like nothing has happened and my strength has been sapped. I feel like I have been sucker punched in the gut.

He wants to take me to dinner. I tell him I don't feel we are recoverable. He said it is news to him, and he thinks I am a great gal, and that we had to take some steps back and we will probably never get closure over this whole thing. (and I said yes, because we never get to talk about it..he hates confrontation about any issues it seems)

He kept saying, "I'm here now...and I can take you out to dinner if your free" Pushy, no/

Silence on my end, I wanted to bawl. He keeps asking....

I bend.

What in the fuck happened to all the strength I had?

I told every friend I had I dumped him. To put the truth out there... I sent him an email which I know he fucking read as all his shit gets delivered to his phone and woke me up all thru the nite, I think he is playing me and trying to reel me back in.

I pulled every shift I took off to be with him, and told my coworker to find me another golf partner for Saturday.

So, I guess if he is going to feign ignorance on that, I'll just order a coffee and tell him in person.

Cause tommorrow I got promise and a date with an old friend who saved my life 10 yrs ago. A hunky firefighter.

Any advice for keeping this topic on track?

Jun 22 - 3PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

The only advice I can offer

would be to cool it and do the work...two narcs in a row? Not judging, healing and recovery is optional... But I think it helps to take a chill pill and regroup... Doesn't guarantee you won't encounter a narc, but when we do the time, we change our perspective. In a few months you might also start seeing things you don't find attractive in the firefighter either and only want him for a friend... The process somehow brings us clarity on a lot of fronts...
Jun 22 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

Oh, the firefighter I have

Oh, the firefighter I have known for 10 yrs. It's just a lunch date. He is the most unselfish man I have ever met. In fact, before my two narcs in a row, we were going to date. Then his soon to be ex got pregnant. He fell of the face of the earth and did not know how to tell me. I told him, it did not matter, I'm not going to judge. I love kids. Be honest. The rest falls into place. He has always known if he has his son, a good date for us, can be with his son, too. But, since he had his dliemma, I found my guys. Dunno. I need to make sure in no uncertain terms that he understands that this is the last supper. What kind of person when you say "Hey, I don't feel good about things, I don't feel this is recoverable" Says "Hey, let's go out to dinner..I thought we were done with this whole thing" I sure wasn't.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jun 22 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You make your own decision...I'm not judging...

I knew my son's father for eight years, strictly friends...cried on his shoulder and everything. Don't know what to call what he has...we're just better as friends I guess but he has a touch of something. All I was saying essentially was - tread carefully, give yourself time. Hugs!
Jun 23 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

Dinner date cancelled...

He ended up having his infant son and that is ok, I need to catch up on sleep. He kept me up for 20 hrs. The Narc. Here is a letter I composed to one of my very best friends. Sid. A firefighter who looks like the Big guy from the Green Mile and has a healing effect on all he touches. Wild animals will approach him, children will just come up and hold his hand....anyways..I was on the hook for this stupid golf outting and I was gonna have to take the Narc.... I sent this to Sid..and he said he was off on my golf day and he would be my partner...Thank God. So, I fired off a last email (cause I hate to follow orders..you'll see...but here is my night and here is my letter from the Narc) My Email: Last nite. Just to be sure, I fired off a letter at work which took me all nite to write the other nite...as we were so busy in no uncertain terms where I stood. I wasn't sure he got it, because he was all upbeat, never responded (but never does) acting like he was when we first started dating. He was very pushy on the phone, didn't want to talk about the last weeks incident at all. Bipolar? But, he got it that email....anyways...and I guess a normal guy would be like....ok...see ya..... he brought up that I "Bowed us out of the golf tournament" and I responded 'Oh, you got my letter, huh? and he saiid, yes, I try to not think about it..I said, "Yeah, I tried, but we are on the hook for it.....they have our spots, and steaks bought..." so he said we will still go.. I had a few last things I wanted to Feng shui out of the house and offered to meet him to give it to him. And we met at Crocker Park. So, he was exceptionally nice. But I've been down that path before. Sarge. Know the drill, I'm a veteran. What I do know is, he didn't hear one thing I said in that letter. I had 4 hrs sleep. I got up at 430 am and he kept me out until midnite. And I was tired. He repeated over and over how tired I was, but didn't seem to mind keeping me out until midnight. He called me when he got home (we did not spend the nite together) and he kept saying what great nite he had and *I* kept complaining how tired I was, that I missed streets I should have known to turn down and I could tell he was irritated, because he kept trying to say how much fun he had. Certainly, he cannot, nor should NOT be mad that I was beyond irritated. The dinner was nice....I said my piece...he wanted to see a stupid movie, pressured me into it, and he got what he wanted. I was up for 20 hrs again. I beg anyone to try working 11 days in a row here and there and be up 20 hrs here and there and be as sweet as miss america. (I worked my two days off this week again....I don't have a half million in the bank ya know...he does. I am not a gold digger...) No one has ever disespected my time. I let this guy do it. And I am mad at myself for letting him.... No more. He had the absolute gall to walk me to my car after even showing up AT dinner seeing I was tired to begin with, before all this knowing I was tired, keeping me up....saying... "hey, am I a great date or what?" My reply.. Yeah...sorry I'm not. Guy should work for the CIA...sleep deprivation 101. Can't wait for water boarding...I'm sure that will come when I Didn't come home on time. He responded to my email today. Behold. It is the greatest masterpiece I have ever gotten from him the longest ever. Telling me what to do. Thing is, he never wants to communicate or talk about anything. And guess what? I aint listening. I intend on replying. I am no less than he is. I take orders from no one. I'm learning to hit a few balls and go home. I ain't doing dinner with him tommorrow either. I'm going back to bed. I told my dad that Brian didn't seem to understand how tired I was, even after telling me no less than 6 times how tired I looked. My dad worked swing shifts at TRW. He said, "He should be able to put himself in your shoes." I have pulled every other vacation day I took to be with him. My birthday for the indians game, and not going to PIB on July 4th weekend with him as he wanted to. Spending it with my family. I've gotten out of everything I could. Cept the golf thing. Anyhoo. The Narc Email Donna: Thanks, I had fun last night.... It was good to see you... Just a couple things.... You looked great but that was the most tired I've ever, ever seen you... Please get some rest ( I say this lovingly, I know you told me). You need to take care of yourself.... We can see my room on Friday, after Golf if you'd like... Maybe we can have dinner too... I thought about it and I think I should meet you at the range over there in Avon and we could go to that little pub we went to the other night... Just my idea... Would give you more time to rest and be ready for Saturday... You should never jump to conclusions when you don't have all the facts... The little cute note you wrote me was removed from my dashboard by Brian when he took the dash apart to replace the steering column. I asked him about it afterward but he didn't know where he'd thrown it or if it had blown away. I was very dissappointed. Please, please, please, don't write me long emails like the last two or three you sent. They're more a collection of rambling, disjointed non-sequitors than reasonable questions or information. You make a statement and then answer it in the next sentence. If you already know the answer, what's the point? If you have to send something to me in writing, keep it to one topic at a time, please... I'm a simple guy and don't need alot of complications or emotional baggage at this point in my life. You give up to easily. People need time to heel, time to think, time to love. Relax, enjoy and most of all, have faith... Please don't write me back on any of this, I truly prefer we talk. I only did this to try and give you some type of response... Hugs, Brian

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

Jun 23 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
TraumaMamma
TraumaMamma's picture

My reply to the Narc

Yeah, I was supposed to follow orders. Not reply. Pffft. Here it is: I'll keep this succinct for you. Message was recieved loud and clear that I have too much time at work. Degrading at best. You told me no less than half a dozen times how tired I looked yet still wanted to see a movie knowing how tired I was. I had another 20 hr day. For a few minutes, I thought it might be registering with you that I really didn't want to have a late night. It didn't. You kept on about seeing a movie and I let you talk me into something I had no energy for. And I let you. I had a car, I should have excused myself and went home. My dad saw me today. He said that swing shifts are hard. He knows how hard I work, what I pay, what I am doing for my school. I told him I was out late, I was tired and I didn't think you really understand my schedule, hours or lack of sleep. My 11 days straight (twice this month) My dad said...."He should be able to put himself in your shoes and see what it is like through your eyes" I got misty on that one. I mean, everyone sees it. My doctor, my friends, my dad......Everyone but you, Brian. I've burned the candle at both ends for you. 20 hr days, 26 hr days...... I can't anymore. I've never been asked to do what you have asked of me in all my years and these past 8 wks have wiped me out. I don't give up easily. You don't really know me. I have to do what is good for me. You just need to find someone who has a normal schedule and life. I am not that person. I will never be. I do know who I am, who I am not, and I do love myself. I am blessed with friends and family who love me and tell me so repeatedly and often...when I need to hear it..... I couldn't ask for more and I return it to them. I am still very much that Grateful woman you said I was 8 wks ago. Sid is going to be my partner for the golf outting. I won't be meeting you tommorrow. I will need to get your hat back to you....I can meet you on Monday perhaps. (and I need my unmentionables back that somehow ended up in your laundry) Take care, Donna

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache