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#1 Feb 10 - 7AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Help

I'm so ashamed to admit this but I know this is the place to get the help I need quickly!!!!

My Narc wants me to meet him today and I AGREED! After I agreed I got sick and nauseated and felt nothing but SHAME. I still haven't canceled but I know I have to!! Part of me wants to go and listen to the lies. Yes, I know in my brain that is all it will be. But, part of me wants to go and hear what he has to say. That part of me is my heart that still loves this sick, twisted, insane, piece of garbage! My heart seems to be a little stronger than my common sense! I know where this is going and what it will turn out to be!!! He wants sex!!!! I know that is all he wants! He wants to appease me and say beautiful things to me so he can get his fix!

I'm sure the new girlfriend has NO IDEA what he's up to today! It makes me SO FREAKING PISSED OFF to see him be so blatant about cheating on her with me because I know he was doing the same thing to me!!! Of course he swears up and down he never cheated on me and the only reason he is doing it to her is because he can't let go of me and can't stop thinking about me! WHATEVER! He's a lying, cheating PIG!

What is WRONG WITH ME!!?? DAMNIT! This shouldn't even be a thought in my head! I was back on NC and then crashed and burned this morning after one text message! Why is it so hard to be strong and make the right decisions when you KNOW what he is and you've seen the true colors?? He's doing to the new GF what he did to me for years so how can I even consider it??? HOW!?? Something in my brain is not working! I'm smarter than this.

The thoughts of seeing him makes me crazy. My heart is excited looking for that junkie fix and my brain is screaming!!!!

Please help! I know this is WRONG WRONG WRONG but my heart and my brain are having a major tug-of-war!

I can't believe I've put myself right back in the line of fire.

Feb 10 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

I was in a similar situation

After the final D&D, the ex-Psych professor was practically begging me for my contact info- where I lived in town, my phone number... I just gave deliberately vague answers, or not any. I had already met the girlfriend who had moved in with him. At one point, I told him some fellow students&I would be renting a house, and we'd invite him and the girlfriend to the housewarming... it NEVER materialized (first of all, we didn't end up renting the place,and we went our separate ways) A year after the D&D, I had called a colleague of his. She told me to call him... if she told him I was calling, I'm sure I let him down. Because I NEVER called. I did it more for self-protection. Sheesh, if the ex-Psych professor called me saying he wanted to meet me, I'd sound all cheery, saying, "OH YES DEFINITELY!! I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!" Then not show. At all.
Feb 10 - 11AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

You see sara the new supply

You see sara the new supply has professed her love. He sees that as mission accomplished so believe it or not his interest In her is probably declining in otherwords the newness is wearing off so now you seem a bit more interesting plus he doesn't have to work that hard at getting supply from you. They really are quite lazy When I was a young woman this happened to me. He said he needed to see and drove her f ing car to my house can u f ing believe that? Anyway the sooner u detach the sooner u can get better. They will not change. I'm living proof he came back 15 years later and he's in many ways worse than he was before. There is no hope. None. So just get the pain over with. You can make it quick or long and drawn out but the pain is coming either way.
Feb 10 - 11AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

You see sara the new supply

You see sara the new supply has professed her love. He sees that as mission accomplished so believe it or not his interest In her is probably declining in otherwords the newness is wearing off so now you seem a bit more interesting plus he doesn't have to work that hard at getting supply from you. They really are quite lazy When I was a young woman this happened to me. He said he needed to see and drove her f ing car to my house can u f ing believe that? Anyway the sooner u detach the sooner u can get better. They will not change. I'm living proof he came back 15 years later and he's in many ways worse than he was before. There is no hope. None. So just get the pain over with. You can make it quick or long and drawn out but the pain is coming either way.
Feb 10 - 10AM
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

I'm crashing

I've been so angry for the past 2 hours that I was feeling great and proud of myself for my decision to take control and not show up! Now he's blowing the freaking phone UP! Text messages and voicemails and I'm sinking. I'm NOT going so please don't even think that. I'm passed wanting to go or feeling like I needed to go. Now I'm sad. Now the tears are back and I can't hardly type for crying. AND THAT MAKES ME MAD AGAIN! I'm so sad that this crazy pig could be so much if he didn't have this mental disorder! I'm sad that my Prince Charming is a fake PIG! I'm sad that the cheating and lying wasn't my imagination.....it was REAL and I'm watching him lie and cheat on another poor girl that is just like us except she hasn't been D&D yet! Mental torture is the worst form of abuse. He put bruises on me twice and if I had to choose I'd rather deal with the bruises. This constant mental torture is so painful that I am going to have to get up and take a xanex to get through the rest of this day. That bastard is the reason I have to take xanex to get through a day and I hate him for that! The worst part is there is NO revenge. NONE! Karma won't come back and bite him in the ass! You've got to have a soul for Karma to bite you! If the new GF finds out then he'll just move on to the next victim! He never has to deal with any of the pain and suffering! EVER! He has no soul, no feelings no NOTHING to ever have to deal with! Sorry for the meltdown. It is the highs and lows of this horrible rollercoaster ride! I'm going to be fine and I did the right thing today WITH ALL OF YOUR HELP! I am proud of that. I just want some peace. Again, thank all of you for your help, support and advice. I can NOT imagine where I would be right now if it weren't for all of you. Love to you all! Sara
Feb 10 - 4PM (Reply to #33)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Ha ha ha!! Did his wittle

Ha ha ha!! Did his wittle ums get set up? (ROTFL!!) Sorry, I just have this vision of him realizing he just got set up and PWNED :D Poor little narc, got himself a little of his own medicine. Not that it will affect him in any such way. He'll just be pissed off and outraged. You see, he is the ONLY real person here, and while he can screw around with all these women (they are just objects dontcha know), he himself is NOT an object. In his own mind, he is the ONLY real person in his whole life. The pain you feel is because you are a normal empathetic person and it gives you horrors to deliberately set someone up. Just remember he is a Narc. He can't really be "hurt". Just pissed off, like a hornet. He'd have to have a soul and actual FEELINGS to be "hurt" by what you did. You really DID do the right thing. A person can make all kinds of stupid mistakes in judgment but at ANY time can turn around and do the RIGHT THING and that's what you did, Sara :) Besides, it gives us readers a good laugh of satisfaction knowing some Narc out there just got OWNED right where it counts :D . It made my day just a little lighter :D
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #30)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Unplug the damn phone, have

Unplug the damn phone, have the meltdown here. Do Not Answer. Now do you see how crazy he is? Yes, take a zanex. Welcome to the club. Awesome isn't it? I'm so sorry we've all been there. Stand strong. You want to get even don't give in! Delete,delete,delete! He will stop if you don't answer! Idealk
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #31)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Idealk

That made me laugh out loud! THANK YOU! I can't unplug the stupid phone because it's my work cell phone! I'd get in so much trouble! I'm gonna be OK! The meds will even me out shortly!! Thanks for the laugh!!! I'd like to unplug the damn phone and stick it sideways up his ASS! :)
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #32)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

He'd probably like that,

He'd probably like that, especially on the vibrate mode!
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
ally2375
ally2375's picture

Hang in there, Sara

You're going to be okay. We've all been there and we're all here to help you. This is pretty typical behavior on his part, and your reaction is completely normal. Can you turn off your phone? I would say also block his number, but if you can't bring yourself to do it yet, just turn it off for now. You need to close down any avenue for him to get to you that you possibly can. Don't spend the day reading texts and listening to voice mails. It will only keep you on the roller coaster. Cutting off his ability to communicate is the ONLY way to give you the peace you want. Take it easy on yourself today. Do something nice for you. Can you meet your daughter or a friend for lunch? Maybe getting out of the office for awhile would do you some good. You're doing great! I'm really proud of how well you're managing this, even though I know you probably feel like you're falling apart. Stay with NC. It's worth it. It's the only way to heal.
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #29)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Ally

I know I'm going to eventually be OK but right now it sure doesn't feel like it. I don't know if he will ever stop! He's relentless! Unfortunately I can't turn off my phone because it's my work phone! I just keep ignoring it. Why can't they put this much effort into getting better instead of working this hard to get what they want to fix their needs!!! I am doing better. It's just reality and reality is ugly when it comes to him! Crazy bastard! Thanks Ally!!
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #26)
exhausted
exhausted's picture

We are here for you. You

We are here for you. You are not alone in feeling like this. Take deep breaths, take a walk, take a xanex if you have to. Do whatever it is that you need to do to make yourself feel better. Rememebr that you are getting your revenge by not answering his calls or texts. That is exactly what he wants. He is probably freaking out right now because you are acting out of the ordinary. Anything out of the ordinary fucks up their whole day. Stay strong and show him that you are better than him. Keep in mind that giving in may make you feel good for a little but you will end up beating yourself up later for doing it. I'm here for you!
Feb 10 - 10AM (Reply to #27)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

exhausted

Thanks so much and I know I've said it a billion times today but I don't know what I'd do if ya'll weren't here for me. How does somebody survive this without this kind of support? I'm took my xanex and I'm gonna be numb for awhile. I hate that medicine because it makes me very fuzzy but it takes away this crazy heart ripping pain!
Feb 10 - 9AM
really
really's picture

I just have to say it one

I just have to say it one more time - you have a rare opportunity to take control of a situation that had you completely out of control for the 3 years you were with him. That, in addition to the time that you have been "apart". This is going to freak him out and you should be prepared for that. I am not a vengeful person at all, but I think you owe it to yourself to take what little opportunity you have ever had to "stick it to him." It's only not showing up. People do that all the time. But, I know you know that the chances that we get to determine the outcome of a situation with any of these people are few. And those women you mentioned down the page, the ones that stay 15, 20, 25 years, never get any. Do it for you and do it for them. Warning - the drama will feel good. Don't use that feeling to create more. He'll either freak out and blow your phone up or disappear. If he disappears, DO NOT do anything to bring the drama back. It happens a lot. Just go about your business and enjoy putting the things that you love back into your life. This will be hard once the hype passes. Please let us know how it goes. We all know what it's like. good luck, really
Feb 10 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara

Do Not Go! There is nothing wrong with you. All of the girls are right. You are spinning before you even meet him. We have all been in the same spot you are now. All of us. Do Not go! NC is hard work, getting over this is hard work. Anything worth while is hard work. He Head Fucked You! He will continue to do do if you let him. The only way to get even is NC. I take that back,You know what Go, you'll be back here regretting it, I guarantee it. These idiots are all the same they become very predictable. What does that that say about yourself if you meet him when you know what you know? Im not going to answer that. You can fail by going or you can hug this board all day instead and begin the healing process. Also, you probably need anti depressants, call your MD ! Sorry to be harsh but you need it right now. Good Luck Idealk
Feb 10 - 9AM (Reply to #22)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Ideal

I think he "head F-ed me" is the best term so far! That is EXACTLY what he did! ARGGHHHHHH! I let him do it and even considered letting him do it again!! I'm going to stay online as long as I can today and read all of this over and over and over until my hard head GETS IT! Don't ever worry about being harsh. Most days I need HARSH! Thank you for your advice and help again.........I so thankful for this site and all of my support! If I didn't have ya'll I'd be a bigger mess than I am right now!
Feb 10 - 9AM (Reply to #23)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Sara

Honestly Sara you're getting it. It just takes time and hard work. I've seen some women start then disappear. My guess is they went back to their abuser. ABUSE that is what this is! A few have left only to return more hurt then the first time. None of us are making this up. These men are very Ill. It's very hard to believe the behavior. Reality hit me by reading the stories some are worse than others. When my Narc D & D me his words were no different than the others. They are all disordered and we are the victims. I am a proud woman, if I every go back to him after what he did,after what I know, after I cried to so many friends, what does that say about me? Who then is the fool? I know it hurts a lot, some days it still hurts but living with a psycho isn't my style. Hugs to an ideal Day
Feb 10 - 8AM
momoya
momoya's picture

Real Simple

You deserve better than 2nd or 3rd choice, and you KNOW THIS. He does not love you, will not be able to love you , and doesn't really know how to love anyone. It's a cycle you MUST break. Now, do the hard work.

momoya

Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #18)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Momoya

Thank you momoya! I agree totally and I'm not going to meet that cheating idiot. I knew if I posted what was going on all of you amazing ladies would knock some sense into my head! It was a very weak moment and I'm so mad right now that I'm not scared of it happening again anytime soon. He doesn't love me, the new gf, the 2 ex wives, the old girlfriend or any other victim he's terrorizing! He only cares about HIMSELF! He only cares about getting his "needs" taken care of as many times a day as he can. I'm so mad at myself for saying yes! ARRGGHHHH! Back on the wagon I go with NC! Thank you for your response and HELP! I don't know what in the world I'd do without this website. All of you are amazing, strong, and caring women and I'm so thankful I found you!
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #19)
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

sara

you're doing great! It takes strenght not to go! You should be proud :-) big hug Anne
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #20)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Anne

Thanks Anne! I'm feeding on anger right now. I'm mad at myself for even thinking about it. I'm mad at the way we've all been treated! I'm just MAD! Mad isn't healthy but it's much better than sad! Hugs to you too! Sara
Feb 10 - 8AM
exhausted
exhausted's picture

Please do not meet him. I

Please do not meet him. I did this exact same thing last week. I met him for lunch. I though that if I could get him to see my side and how bad he hurt me and how much I love him then he would have a change of heart and decide that he wants to be with me. We ended up talking about him the entire time. He actually asked me for advice on how to get his old girlfriend back. For an hour I listened to him tell me that when she walks into a room everyone else disappears and she is the love of his life. The entire time I am sitting there thinking that I made the biggest mistake by meeting him. It was that exact day that I decided to go NC. I realized that he is selfish and the only reason he wanted to go to lunch with me was to keep me down and hurt me more. Trust me, if you meet him you are NOT going to get what you are looking for. You will never get closure. Plus he already has a new girl in his life. You don't want to get pulled back into the drama. If you do decide to go please let us know how it went and we will be here for you. Good Luck!
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

Oh no exhausted!

He DID NOT do that to you! Are you serious!! That is beyond CRUEL! I think that may be the worst thing I've heard! WHY? Why would anybody hurt somebody like that? I am so so so deeply sorry that happened to you. I know this doesn't help but maybe it happened to you so others LIKE ME could learn from it. I'm so freaking mad right now because of what he did to you that there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm gonna meet him. NO WAY! If he did that to me I would be sitting in jail with an assault charge pending! AND I'D BE HAPPY ABOUT IT! I'm sorry exhausted that you went through that but it has helped me in more ways than you will ever know. Something good did come out of your pain. I wish it wasn't that way but at least something decent came out of his COLD HEARTED stupidity! Cruel and selfish bastard! Hang in there and don't talk to him anymore!! NC with the idiot! NONE! He's awful! AND mine is too! Selfish PIGS!
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #13)
exhausted
exhausted's picture

Awww! You are so sweet.

Awww! You are so sweet. Thank you for saying that. I'm glad I could help you. You just made my day! btw, please don't give me any more ideas about sitting in jail with a pending assault charge. I just had a thought of running into his office and punching him and it was good! Haha! Hope you have a fantastic day!
Feb 10 - 9AM (Reply to #16)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Ex

You can dream!:)
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #14)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

exhausted

LMAO! I wouldn't waste my time on an assault charge! He's not worth the time and money I'd have to spend to get myself out of jail! Even though at times (like when I read your email) it is a nice thought! They are just thoughts though. More like fantasies! Have you heard anything from him since your lunch? Has he tried to contact you? I'm glad I could make you feel some better. Hang in there and together all of us will get through this!!
Feb 10 - 9AM (Reply to #15)
exhausted
exhausted's picture

He has tried to talk to me

He has tried to talk to me just once each day since. I pretend he doesnt exist. Yesterday was the first day he didn't bother me. I heard he was out getting his old girlfriend some extravagant vday gift. Im sure she will think he's crazy. She is 2 months NC. I'm pretty sure she won't go back to him. I don't really care. We are going to get through this. I am on here everyday and I have to say this helps me more than my therapist. I told her about it and she is going to tell others about it. I like knowing I can go on here and hear from other girls who are going through the exact same thing that I am.
Feb 10 - 7AM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Sara

Read our lips do not go, otherwise it will prolong the agony and withdrawals for you, it is YOUR choice and you are a big girl now!Remember it is an addiction and it is not easy to get over, it requires a huge amount of willpower and self discipline, we can all tell you. I agree with really just do not show up.PERIOD and begin to work on YOURSELF .I also posted to your comment about ED.
Feb 10 - 7AM (Reply to #7)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

onwithmylife

I'm not going. I'm can't do it to myself. I know if I did I'd be laying in the floor sobbing hysterical by 4 o'clock this afternoon. Pathetic. It is an addiction. I need rehab! I've never had willpower! Especially when it comes to him. He is a PIG and a LIAR and I still let him walk all over me and believed his stupid lies. I'm so tired of dealing with this. I know I did this to myself by even answering him this morning. I would like to kick my own ass! Thanks so very much for the reply and help!!! I'm going to be strong today even if I have to tie myself up in a closet!!
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #8)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Sara

find a good therapist, none of us can do it alone and I know therapy helped me along the way and also becoming friends with his first wife and the mother of his older children so I could get a whole different perspective of the man.Like any addiction, it is very difficult to overcome but you can,like many of us have done on this board.Have fun in the closet, bring some food and a TV.
Feb 10 - 8AM (Reply to #9)
sara-smile
sara-smile's picture

onwithmylife

LMAO! Good idea about the food and TV for the closet! I don't think I'll have to resort to the closet. I'm seriously not even having an urge anymore. I'm looking forward to ignoring his endless text messages and phone calls when he gets ready to meet me. (In other words when it's supposed to me MY TURN to worship him) I've been thinking about a therapist. Part of me was honest to God afraid she have me committed. That's how crazy I feel sometimes!