Have to Release - Flashbacks

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#1 Dec 3 - 10PM
ReclaimingPower
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Have to Release - Flashbacks

I just have to get this out. I'm getting plagued recently by these nasty little flashbacks. Moments when I was with the N and he would disappear or excuse himself to use te restroom or take a call (from his "daughter") and not return for over 20 minutes at a time.

I thought at the time he might have not been feeling well and didn't want to make him feel awkward, and he would act a little funny when he came back or be a little more attentive. (DUH!!!!!!)

Or the times where he would dance with a girl out of the blue, and I'd have no reaction and he'd explain how surprised she was there and how he knew her from work. Yet, they didn't reconnect again to talk like "friends" would. Or the excuses he'd make after he WAS on a call about how it was work related and he'd go on and on making up a huge story about the dull processing of the work.

Or after we had sex and he would disappear out to his car for a spell because he left something out there (most likely calling another girl).

Or the time he forwarded me a FAKE text from a friend as proof that he had other plans when we both knew I knew he was lying and he still thought I fell for it.

I'm still in NO CONTACT going on 9 or so weeks now and have absolutely NO UNTENTION of ever acknowledging his existence in this lifetime again, but my ego is making me nauseous.

I realize NOW what this jackass did in those moments he stepped away but am wondering why my freaking mind has to keep drumming all this up now. I already feel like a jackass for being snowed, for going against my gut from the very beginning -- enough already. I can't and wouldn't ever give him the satisfaction of telling him I knew what he did -- cause honestly back then I didn't!

DAMN, this experience will stay with me a lifetime. I'll never be as trusting and naive as I was before. I'll never ignore those gut feelings and I'll make damn sure I watching actions, not words.

Thanks for letting me vent. I want my mind to STOP with the mental torture. Ugh........... Open for advice/ suggestions if there is a way to step up the self forgiveness and stop the mental replay. :((

Dec 4 - 1PM
ReclaimingPower
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Thank you, this is so very

Thank you, this is so very helpful!
Dec 4 - 12PM
Hermes
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Flashbacks

http://drdeborahserani.blogspot.com/2006/08/trauma-triggers-and-flashbacks.html "A flashback can take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings, or numbness. . Get grounded. This means stamping your feet on the ground to remind yourself that you have feet and can get away now if you need to. (There may have been times before when you could not get away, now you can.) Being aware of all five senses can also help you ground yourself. 4. Breathe. When we get scared we stop normal breathing. As a result our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen. Lack of oxygen in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings; pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, and dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feeling can decrease. Breathing deeply means putting your hand on your diaphragm, pushing against your hand, and then exhaling so the diaphragm goes in."
Dec 4 - 1PM (Reply to #36)
ReclaimingPower
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Whoops, I meant to put this

Whoops, I meant to put this here. This is so very helpful -- thank you!
Dec 4 - 12PM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

I can remember in the early

I can remember in the early times with the narc how she idealized me. It was heady stuff. She acted like she worshipped me. It felt better than good. I liked it alot, and gave the same back to her. That was the hook. That is the feeling that is buried deep inside of me that wants to be fed again. It hurts that it was the product of mirroring and narcissistic need. It hurts that it was genuine. It just hurts, and that is normal. But it wasn't love. It felt like what I thought love should feel like. But it wasn't. Today that is ok with me. It is what it is. It was acting and it was false, it came like a shadow of what I wanted, and I made it real. I gave all I had to give. I got swallowed up in the illusion, thinking it was real. It wasn't real. It was an act, a play, a ploy. How could that smile, that sex, that attention not have been real? It looked real. I was fooled. I didn't know what was really happening inside of her head. When she shared, it wasn't real. I slept with a projection, a false image. Years and years of abuse and chaos followed those first couple of years. I didn't know she had a disorder. Borderline personality for sure. Major Narc characteristics, that I didn't understand or even think about. Hindsight is 20/20, but at the time it was just sadness and confusion, with the mask slipping and then periods where it was back on. But the illusion faded, and the reality became more common and constant. I was living with a very unhappy person. You can't make a person whole, and stay whole yourself. Life doesn't work that way. Today I can spot that unique blend of mirroring, projection, and neediness. It is clear when I meet one right away. And they are everywhere. And lots of them are pretty with beautiful smiles and lots of personality. My only enemy is my lonliness for intimacy. I have lots to keep me busy and growing. I have alot to learn, and alot to share. As I go out and find life, I find it also comes to me. This has been necessary, as the only other choice would have been to continue to accept insanity and chaos in my life on a daily basis. The process of healing has been valuable and enpowering. I have found a deep limitless supply of love and soul-nourishment. For that I am so grateful. I never walk alone anymore, even when I think I am alone. God bless all who enter this journey, ds
Dec 4 - 11AM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

i read this alot

everytime i have a miss him or wonder if he misses me or everytime i have a is he thinking about me moment wow slaps ya right back into reality this is really helpful i know many of you read it but it is so healing and harsh THE NARCISSISTS APOLOGY. Postby Echo » Tue Jan 20, 2009 4:14 pm [/b]With thanks to our member 134Dragon who wrote the article below I think when a N wants you to forgive him, he means. Dear Person that I hurt, I wanted to apologize for hurting myself, Deep down inside, I know that you were to good for me and because of that I hurt you, because of that, I am alone and I feel sorry for myself. I have yet again, failed at an attempt to rule someone else, they saw me for who I am. I feel compelled to write you a letter of apology so I can make myself feel better and deal with the way I know I treat people and as long as you can forgive me I can go on existing. Please let me exist to you? You hold a power over me like I once believed I held over you, simply by not letting me in. Simply by not letting me get to you, hurt you, see you, talk to you, and take take take! The love you gave me. I made you feel special, like you were the one who was going to change my heart and yet, you didn't fall for it. You see me for who I am... This I simply cannot deal with. I hate myself, a lot... My existence is through you and others who acknowledge I exist... Can I PLEASE exist to you? I know you wish this letter was written because I feel sorry that I hurt you, its not.. I am writing it because I hurt MYSELF, I feel bad for myself... I could care less what your up to, as long as you feed me something once in a while... You're one smart cookie! Ignoring me, who do you think you are? I AM GOD, never forget that.... I control you, I control your thoughts, your dreams, you past, present and your future... only because you let me though, and how dare you try to rule your own life? Just who the F^%$%# do you think you are? This is MY world, you exist to please me, got it? If you disobey what I WANT, I WILL make sure you pay for this… I’ll do little things that piss you off, or make you wonder if its me behind it… I’ll play internet games, call your friends and pretend to be that good guy you met, you know? The one I pretended to be to “lure” you in to world…. The one no one believes went away except for you…the one none of your friends or family saw, Im a good actor huh? I should get an award… I rock! We can pretend though that you don’t think of me… I know you do.. Right???? RIGHT!? Do I exist to you afterall????? In confused…. How could I once use you like a puppet and now you leave me hanging like this… I WANT THAT CONTROL BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT IT BACK! GIVE IT TO ME!... Please? I miss you… Not really but I know this will lure you back in… God I’m so smart. . .I should write a book on how to mess with peoples heads like I can mess with yours. . . Your dumb! Not really, I AM DUMB, I like to project my problems on to you, because you will always be stronger then me. I wish I were you, I really wish I were you…. Can I be you? I tried to take you away, for myself! Why didn’t you let me have it? You think your slick huh? You cant fool me, I believe I am superior to you…. But, only because you let me believe this every time you even TALK, THINK, DREAM about me… I bet you wish you could get me out of your head like I can get you out of mine huh? I threw you away like a piece of trash because, you are nothing more to me but an object. A toy, you know… that kids play with? But as long as you let me play with you, I can survive, I can know I exist, I can know I am worth something to someone….. Please? -Narc P.S. I just want you to know that, there is someone better out there for you, hes waiting to meet you and I’ll be damned if I won’t try my hardest to make sure you never meet him. If you do, I’ll make sure I am always on your mind so you never forget and I can once again, trick you.
Dec 4 - 11AM (Reply to #33)
ReclaimingPower
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Shiver

...and you know it's true. This really helps me strengthen my resolve to put him and this experience behind me. Thank you.
Dec 4 - 8AM
MandyM
MandyM's picture

What everyone else said.

What everyone else said. :-) I've found myself doing this a lot lately, too, only it's taken me nearly a year out to find it happening (I guess that's how hardwired he had me to trust him) - it's like suddenly, out of nowhere, dots connect without me even consciously thinking about it. For me, it's been a good thing because I've been struggling with a block that has allowed me to SEE, on paper, all the signs of what he is but has refused to allow me to ACCEPT and BELIEVE that it was all really as bad as it was and it wasn't just me and he's not treating the floozy better than me. My ex would call people CONSTANTLY from the car. At first I noticed him doing it when things were decent between us - he'd leave my house to go to the drugstore for Chapstick or something, or to get another movie from Redbox, and it would take him forever, and I knew he was on his cell phone while he was driving (once, he accidentally called ME five seconds after he left my driveway and acted like that had been the plan - it took me awhile to realize that had been unintentional and he was covering). Later, when I wasn't seeing him as much, I complained that the only time he talked to me was when he was driving, when, of course, he could say he needed to go after five minutes because he'd arrived at his destination. He was living with his parents at the time and blamed it on his father being "weird and controlling" with the landline and he was never allowed to use it (it's so embarrassing to admit that I semi-believed him). Now I realize that I'd been demoted to being one of his "friends" he only had to bother with for a few minutes in the car. He even took his phone with him to the restroom the night he took me out to dinner for my birthday (a dinner at which we were fighting the whole time because he hadn't wanted to take me, even though it had all been his idea to begin with). I can only imagine who he called from the urinal. The times he swore he never got my calls or messages because "you know the cell service at my parents' house is bad." The times he swore he'd called me repeatedly and left me messages inviting me out with his friends and then said, "Weird - my phone dialed someone else even though I hit your name in my phone book." The time he accidentally called me and left me a message saying he was bringing me food, was puzzled when I called him back, asked why he'd called me, stammered that "no, no, I was, uh, asking if you wanted to GO GET food," then pretended the connection was breaking up and said he'd call me right back and didn't (of course). The time he sat practically in my lap on my couch in my living room, called one of his women "friends," didn't know I could hear her side of the conversation, and, when she asked if he was at his parents' house, he said, "Yeah." There are a ton of other examples (not all of which have to do with his cell phone, LOL) that I'm suddenly seeing for what they were. It's so humiliating to admit them and recognize just how brainwashed I was. But at least I'm seeing the truth now, and it helps me with that block - I don't really WANT the dot-connecting to stop. I suppose the mind flips the switch and brings everything out when we're ready.
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #29)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

mandy

=( mandy i totally feel your pain mine would swear up and down he text me all night at work there would also be excuses why he didnt get mine going through the canyon (to the casinos) phone died my phones a piece of shit battery is bad etc i think as soon as he left the house he was on the hunt the numerous times i caught him with girls numbers and the partial convos in his phone and all his denying blatant truth grrrr im going to tell you one thing in the three years together because that literally was a constant repeated cycle i guess i become numb to it so when he did it this last time i was like in my mind as i was throwing him out of the house at 12 at night FUCK THIS SHIT lol seriously that is what i heard inside my head i switched a switch and i was DONE when i called the number that was in his phone he claimed to not know and the fifth girl answers and says it was him and i could tell they were surprised to hear me on the other end...well we know who i am going to believe the way he does this in such a knee jerk motion and has to always have other sources well its a dangerous sexual playground and he is 24 ....karma around the corner?....... i can dream
Dec 4 - 2PM (Reply to #30)
neva-again
neva-again's picture

The Same

I said the exact same thing "FUCK THIS SHIT" in my mind too when he hit his last and final rage. I knew the next move would have been to physically hurt me...This time I told him to get out. He had left ME several times in the past and always begged his way back. But this time was the last straw,that was on Sept 4th..three months exactly today NC. I do think of him often but try to change my thoughts to something else...root canal or something. Everyday will get better. look to the skygirl
Dec 4 - 3PM (Reply to #31)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

lol fts

i know right it was like fill point , and then DONE i did the breaking up throwing him out , literally to another state he d&d'd after we remained on the phone and texting to "work it out" but yeah seriously those words were the power words to get me off the couch follow him to the bedroom and say get out of my life its over bu bye
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #28)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Mandy

Wow, thank you so much Mandy. It's humbling to see others have gone through the same exact scenarios, almost identical -- better to release and know it's in the past and think of it all coming up as my mind's way of purging the toxins my from my soul. (I hope!). So unpleasant....thank you!
Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #27)
uk lady
uk lady's picture

Hi Mandy

Mine always used to call me from his car too and I would often say that I would prefer it if he called from his home as the connection was better and I used to get pissed off with the constant traffic updates whilst he was driving. Never happened because obviously I was being squeezed into the tight window of when he could call enroute to whoever, whatever and wherever (read OW/NS). And yes, I would get calls from toilets etc too. So disrespectful. I now feel that he used his mobile phone as an extension of his penis. The P/Ns so love their mobile phones - gadget of deceit. Dee x
Dec 4 - 2AM
uk lady
uk lady's picture

RP - you go ahead and release

That's why we are all here - to release, learn and heal. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal - horrible - but, perfectly normal. The flashbacks is your subconscious relating to past events that you have buried, coming to the fore because you are becoming more aware of the abuse as a whole. Like pieces in a puzzle. In order to heal you have to feel. All emotions are emotions, whether negative or positive. Keeping them locked away and buried just delays the process. My experience with the exP was along the exact same lines of what you have expressed - such scumbags. They show no respect or love for anybody but themselves. Just hold onto the fact that you will eventually heal - he has no option but to remain the same and carry this through with every NS he encounters and gets involved with. I pity the NS because we so know that it will happen the same for them as it was for us. We will learn, forgive ourselves, heal and have healthier, brighter futures without them. Dee x
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #25)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Dee

Thank you, thank you....I have to keep remembering that it is better to get it out than to deny and bury, so this is a positive. Am so looking forward to the end of the memories and triggers but it has definitely spurred a positive change so I have to hold on to that and what's to come.
Dec 4 - 12AM
Done sourcing
Done sourcing's picture

Things that we stuff down

Things that we stuff down inside will either come back up when the conscious mind is ready, or the repressed emotion will manifest in an unhealthy way, so let the crap come up. Pay attention to your dreams if you can, they can lead to excellent insights that will let the stuffed feelings come back up so that you can deal with them. This stuff will not kill you, it isn't scary, just different. Running from it will just prolong the suffering. It helps when we share this stuff here, if for no other reason than we get validated, and that is important. ds
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #23)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

DS

..thank you so very much. When I look back on my bad marriage and subsequent bad relationships, I can see now that IS what I've done...run. No more... I have to pay more attention to my dreams. When I first broke away from the N when things didn't feel right, I had a dream I was sitting peacefully on a rock by a pond happy. The N was in a rowboat surrounded by alligators urging me to come in the boat and I remember saying no, that the alligators were harmless as long as I stayed where I was but if I got in the boat, danger lurked. I talked to a dream interpreter who told me it was about taking a chance at love and making risk. The next day after two weeks away, I broke contact (not even knowing I was in a no contact phase or that he was an N), and of course the chaos and drama and abuse deepened. The lesson I believe in hindsight is to trust myself more....from red flags to dreams. On a positive note, I had a recurring dream before the N experience a year ago that I drove my car into a murky, tar filled swamp and it was slowly sinking. I felt like I was going to die and curled up into a fetal position waiting to die, accepting death, not wanting to go on, but when the car didn't sink, I was surprised, stepped out of the car and walked on top of and across the pond to safety. (Strangely enough, Jamie Lee Curtis was on the side of the pond in a lab coat holding a clipboard testing the chemicals of the water -- almost as if it was supposed to be there). I swished the muck off of me like I was brushing snow off a coat, and felt lighter and happier, and walked off into the sun where there was a man waiting for me on a motorcycle smiling. I remember hopping on the back of the bike smiling and throwing my hands in the air screaming I was free. I had this dream twice with different cars and ponds and the dream returned to my consciousness recently almost again to connect the dots of the experience together. So perhaps this was a premonition and there are good things ahead for all of us.
Dec 4 - 12AM (Reply to #22)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

ds

this is the ONLY place i have been validated lol shit
Dec 3 - 11PM
patricia barely...
patricia barely surviving's picture

This totally happened to me.

This totally happened to me. I couldn't stop thinking about the 3 years we spent together and replaying every instance4 where he actually duped me. This went on for weeks and weeks And luckily I had close family that I could unload onto. I can tell you that it has stopped now for me, at. 5 months out and 4.5 months no contact. Pain is still there on occasion, if there is a trigger, but for the most part the intrusive thoughts are gone. I also have to stay that this time I've taken all advice to heart - got in therapy, im taking antidepressants which have helped wonders with the nightmares, panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, etc, im exercising a lot, got a puppy (very therapeutical, they love you. You love them back, simple!), have family aroud, going out with girlfriends, and most importantly, im not dating until this little heart of mine is healed from this nuclear winter. So my point is, it's normal, just your brain reprocessing the experience (mostly to make sure the NEXT time you'll know what to look for), reconciling brain and heart and reprocessing emotions. Very healthy process but awful when you're in the middle of it. If it's any consolation, i din't think about these things anymore (the lies, etc). Stay strong, keep doi g what you're doing, this too shall pass when you're brain is ready to move on. Don't fight ot...
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #19)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Patricia

Thank you so much!!! My therapist told me at the last session I'm not to mention the N anymore and from this point on we are supposed to focus on me, so am grateful to share here. And so grateful to hear you share the thoughts don't hit you anymore! It gives me such hope. Thank you!!!
Dec 4 - 12PM (Reply to #20)
Hermes
Hermes's picture

Patricia

You said: ""My therapist told me at the last session I'm not to mention the N anymore and from this point on we are supposed to focus on me, "" Exactly!! And I hope every therapist says this to everyone. Expensive therapy time is not to be wasted talking about te dismal ex-N. The focus MUST be on ourselves, and only on ourselves. I had horrific flashbacks for months and months afterwards, they were quite crippling, and at first they happened probably every fifteen minutes. It was a huge conscious effort to overcome them. A flashback is not a memory. It is a result of trauma, and it is exactly like being back there in person, with the full lights on. I so sympathise with those going through this particular phase of recovery. Hermes
Dec 3 - 11PM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

actually

its awesome because i can literally not only smell but feel and sense lies, games, deceit, bullshit, mindfucks..etc a mile away i am so "hyper sensitive" i find myself laughing at the idiotcy of it all. I am not having narc grandiosity i am saying i have learned and delved into the deepest part of my soul and found ground breaking truth i finally understand the saying THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
Dec 3 - 11PM (Reply to #16)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

Yes....so true. Great

Yes....so true. Great forward thinking, I just have to temper the ego, embrace the learning and the gift. Thanks blueworld. :)
Dec 3 - 11PM (Reply to #17)
blueworld
blueworld's picture

they are one

i have fully come to terms with this only a hour ago he is ONE person in this big wide universe there are people like you and i going through the same things hoping they arent alone maybe we can find each other i wouldnt mind having a friend a good person like me they dont just come in animal form though my cat Sake rocks =) i have never been happyier then i am now A L O N E
Dec 3 - 11PM
blueworld
blueworld's picture

i feel your pain

my exn would work swings up at the casinos leave early to get there in time and while i was home in bed he would be getting numbers and hitting on all the girls and flirting then come home and crawl into bed with me he'd be sleeping id feel like i need to look in his phone and see that he had text conversations and girls numbers in his phone when confronted this argument repeated a hundred different ways in the three years to they are co workers they are married or have bf's and he thought we could hang out to they are friends from school to i just want to have friends to getting furious with me for going through his phone to lying about it all and denying it to flat out avoiding the conversation i actually went to the casino and confronted one of the girls called another one at one point and even right before the finale ending here in sept two others guess what all of them said it was him he gave them his number he said he was single ugh vomit what a piece of shit laying in bed with me three years looking in my eyes three years texting me singing love songs buying me roses what a sick game i actually threw away not one but like four of his cell phones in the three years together out of shear maddness it was causing me with all the lying then there was another time when we were living in vegas for the world series of poker in a motel that i caught him lying yet again about fakebook that i went to the motel before he could get there grabbed ALL his stuff and i mean toothbrush, clothes,cologne, toliet paper, deodorant, shaver shoes EVERYTHING and threw it in the dumpster you could say i was getting to the end point everything out of his mouth i now know was a LIE beginning to end
Dec 3 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

The realization of the

The realization of the deception is horrible. Thinking back and seeing things more clearly in hindsight, ugh... I'm glad we're not with them anymore -- I have to work harder at stopping all the new realizations from bombarding me. It's like three steps forward, two steps back. You said it best....we know it NOW....wish we knew it THEN...but suppose we can't blame ourselves for not thinking the way they do or knowing really that people like that exist. Sad, very sad. :(
Dec 4 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
empath
empath's picture

ReclaimingPower

Speaking to you, knowing you are a deeply sensitive, strong, spiritual, empathic person...I disagree, respectfully, that we should do anything to stop these realizations from coming to our consciousness...I think it is healthier to allow them to come forward, to acknowledge them, and then to let them go. We should allow these realizations...and the feelings that accompany them, even if painful....to surface. What we shouldn't do, is dwell on those feelings or fault ourselves in anyway. We should not allow those feelings to dictate our mood and become our "default setting", simply acknowledge them and let them pass through you. I believe if we don't do this, if we stuff them down or resist them, they morph into blame and shame, which is much more difficult to clean up later on. We were targets, not victims. All of us here are guilty only of having cared deeply and honestly for another human being, whom we did not realize at the time was severely and permanently disordered. There is no reason for us to feel bad or guilty or responsible or shameful for the events that led us to this forum. Allowing these realizations to surface will make them fade away and will strengthen your sense of inner knowing so that you will learn to trust your own judgment and your ability to keep yourself safe, in the future. We are seeing these events now, in our minds' eye, because we did not want to see them then, whe they were happening in real time...or because we could not see them then, because we were so heavily clouded by the N fog. Acknowledging them now will only help to affirm you in your wise decision to not be with that disordered person anymore. Recognizing the depravity of their behavior makes it easier to stay away.
Dec 4 - 10AM (Reply to #9)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

empath

Empath, thank you, thank you. Trusting my own judgment....yes, have always struggled there and yet this experience shows time and time again the opportunities were there for me to do that. The pain that accompanies the denial of those feelings is something that will remain with me and make me much more cognizant and assured in the future. Targets....targets...and ridding my mind of the "shame" label it keeps falling back into - that's what I'm working hardest on now. Thank you!
Dec 4 - 12PM (Reply to #10)
empath
empath's picture

ReclaimingPower

I totally get what you're saying and being empathic we tend to absorb the Ns shame...think on that for a bit, and decide if what you feel originates with you or was offloaded onto you by the N. Shame comes from repression, and it is natural for us compassionate beings to resist being ANGRY, even when it is justified or self-preserving to feel ANGRY. I have had to teach myself that "feeling" anger is not the same as "being" anger...and it is better to acknowledge the feeling and really feel it, than to repress it. I feel prompted to mention Eckhardt Tolle and the "pain body" to you...are you familiar with that?
Dec 4 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
ReclaimingPower
ReclaimingPower's picture

That's a great point; I don't

That's a great point; I don't really know whose stuff I'm feeling. There are some flashbacks that are surfacing today that are frightening. Subtle and not so subtle comments he made about his soon to be ex that I chastised him about but now realize he was serious. Odd things that I don't want to focus on and may be exaggerating in my head. But perhaps this is more about releasing the repressed fears and doubts I had at the tine so I can move on. Years ago I read the Power of Now and it was so heavy I had trouble absorbing it, but I think it is time to revisit it. Thank you!
Dec 4 - 2PM (Reply to #12)
empath
empath's picture

RP

Acknowledge, feel, bless and release whatever surfaces. If the thoughts persist, bless and release them again...don't invite these thoughts in for tea and sandwiches! ;) I had the same experience with the Power of Now as you did...too heavy when I first got it a couple years ago. Go find it again and read about the pain body...this will help you, I am sure of that.