Getting Real

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#1 Nov 22 - 9AM
betty2020
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Getting Real

I need to speak up on this issue regarding denial. There is a point in the process of our relationship that denial can become a factor.

While we are still active in the relationship and prior to gaining knowledge and understanding of what we are involved in we are not in denial. You can not turn a blind eye and refuse to acknowledge the truth when you have never been exposed and have no knowledge of it. Most if not all that come to us here on AAH have never researched NPD nor PDs as a whole. They are trying to make sense out of a horrific nightmare that they have or are currently going through. They find us or associate content on the web and it is the beginning of an awakening for them.

Now, can they waver on believing the person they are with is truly a narcissist or PD? Absolutely. I know i did and it took me months before I fully accepted it and all of what this illness encompasses. I still loved the man i was with. I didnt want to face the fact that this disorder is not curable, not workable and toxic to my existence and therefore the only solution is ending the relationship. I wanted to have hope. This is a normal and natural response as a human. We all want to fix it and have back what we once had. All of us.

Now this is where it gets tricky. After we have come to this realization of NPD and after we have done our research and analyzed our personal situation and after we have come to accept that this person is in fact PD, We must hold ourselves accountable for our decisions that we choose to make from this point forward. This is the crossroad for us. This is the point that we begin to shift our focus from victim to survivor.

When we refuse to take on our role and how we can play a part in the Narcs world after we are fully aware of what we are involved in then we will never heal nor will we move to a healthy state in recovery.

We can not blame ourselves for what we went through at the hands of the Narcissist. But for us to continue to put ourselves in a situation that is obviously abusive and toxic, this is living in denial and we must address this.

We can look for endless excuses to remain in this relationship with the abuser. If I were to write a book on this alone it would be the size of the bible. But at the end of the day we still have to face the reality that living and co habituating with a Narcissist is impossible, unhealthy and will destroy us. Because there is no cure, no hope and no help we only have one solution to fix the problem. No Contact. It is permanent and forever.

Keeping one foot in the door for a ray of hope in getting back what you once had or looking for an easy way to leave the abuser is the same as a full plunge both feet first into Narcville. Cannonball style. Their crazy making behavior will continue to plague you. You will continue to obsess, suffer cognitive dissonance and be full blown in with the symptoms of NVS.

For any of us to consider that we have an option B and we can ease our way out or develop a better way of obtaining ultimate NC is absurd. There is no right or wrong way of going NC. No easy or hard way of doing this. It is hard period. And you will have pain, you will suffer and you will have to go through each and every stage that we all have had to experience that have went NC. This is the hard cold facts. But you have to ask yourself two very important questions,

"Is this pain worth it in knowing that eventually I will get to the other side and be painfree forever?"

"Is the pain that I am enduring at the hands of the Narcissist one that i am willing and capable of living with the rest of my life?".

Once you can answer these questions then you will know the decision you will have to make. Now, the question remains,

"will I act upon what I know i must do or continue to make excuses and deny my own reality".

We lived in Narcville without choices or a voice but when we leave this world our voices ring loud and we are left with nothing but choices. Initially we may be temporarily frozen and paralyzed with fear at our new surroundings but the only way to move forward is by accepting our reality for what it really was/is, exercising our right to choice and taking action.

We call it "Getting Real" and their is much more to come on this topic.

Lots of Love

Betty

Nov 23 - 1AM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

On a humorous note..

Anger causing depression and other health issues. Geez I must be one pissed off B*&tch! LOL!
Nov 22 - 11PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Great post Betty!

This is a great discussion thread. We must "Get Real" and acknowledge our feelings. Too often we try to distract ourselves from our true feelings by blaming someone else (OW) or worse yet, blaming ourselves! This is what the narc wants us to do! If we gently push you to get real and be honest with yourself about your situation, it's only because we want you to be able to move on. Without "getting real", you remain stuck and will never move on. You must acknowledge and process the feelings of anger you have towards your narc and no one else. It's important to acknowledge and process your feelings of anger when they occur. If we do not allow ourselves to feel anger, we lose out on the benefits of it – motivation, strength, energy, power and protection. Unfortunately, many of us do not realize just how powerful a force anger can be. When anger is used to motivate us to make life changes that promote our emotional well-being, it is positive. However, when we express anger through aggressive or passive-aggressive means, it is negative. Anger can motivate you to make needed changes in your life or it can make you emotionally and physically ill if you hold it in. It can empower you or it can kill your relationships if you take your anger out on someone in the wrong way. Instead of being honest and acknowledging their anger, many people shift blame, project and abuse others. I believe the way you handle your anger affects all of your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. Many of us are so afraid of anger that we direct the anger inward at ourselves instead of expressing it outward. Others take their anger out on innocent people. Anger externalized can lead to violence, while anger internalized causes depression and health problems.
Nov 22 - 10PM
apple
apple's picture

Thanks Betty

That was a nice wake up call/reminder... I have the power and control to change this. I really needed that post right now!!!!!! For me, this relationship is just getting to be so old and stupid. Enough is enough. I just feel so weak sometimes when it comes to him. I'm printing this off too and hanging it in my office. THANK YOU!! MUAH!!!!!
Nov 22 - 6PM
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

hi Betty

this is one heck of a good and hard hitting post. i am guilty of keeping the door slightly ajared for many many months after he took off to another state and left me high and dry. I kept thinking i am not a" quitter" and theRE is always HOPE, but now after such a long time I realizing having no hope for US is not being a quitter at all, but facing REALITY of the facts as I know them. He has progressed to a more hateful person than ever as witnessed by the last letter i received from him a few months ago and so I have CLOSED the door on him for me and US and trying now to rebuild a new life for myself.I love that post, Betty and thanks again...............
Nov 22 - 1PM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Absolutely

Amen sister! :D If I didn't gain wisdom from all of you ladies, I would still be begging for answers. This is a process and it takes time. Depending on the person it can take years depending on the situation. There is a point when we need to survive so we end up RIGHT HERE. I think this is where we all belong (smiling). A lifetime of questioning the disorder without education is a sad story. I wonder what it was like in the old days(before industrialism) for woman abused with no answers, no websites, no books or support? She probably ended up very tragic. Hopefully she was lucky enough to escape? We are lucky enough to get help these days. Thank you for that, you all saved me in many ways. We are where we belong for support, RIGHT HERE supporting each other. Thanks for this post Betty! It touched my heart and inspired. Me to help someone in need today. XOXO
Nov 22 - 12PM
chickon2
chickon2's picture

Thank you

for this post...
Nov 22 - 10AM
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Betty

I just read this re Terri's thread. Absolutely fantastic advise to us all. Printing it off as I type. Thankyou :) x
Nov 22 - 11AM (Reply to #19)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

I hear ya' - I thought it was to me - it's not all me?

To keep up with the boat metaphor even... "Getting Reel?" No, I get it. I am in that stupid stuck in teh middle thing and I need to go forward. I do not think I am in denial or making excuses, but maybe I am. Itis the forst time I have tried to leave, and you have seen many "try" to leave. These are not just words, my word is good - he is the deal breaker and the lie maker, not me. I owe it to myself and my son - to have more - do more and be healthy mind and body.
Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #21)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

I think when this is all

I think when this is all over, your well on the otherside and financial able, you should buy the biggest boat you can afford and put the name "Got Reel" on it. I will be the first to join you. Hell, maybe I will buy a boat and do this too! We never see this as denial. That word scares the hell out of us. It makes us feel like we are weak, lacking solid judgment or flawed. This is so opposite of the truth. We are human and part of the human condition for those that are not PDs is to seek out ways to easy our painful condition. It is natural to want to fix what is broken so we can stop the pain. The mind is a powerful and sometimes dangerous tool that can and will take us out of reality and lead us into choices that are not in our best interest. We are seeking comfort by any means possible and sometimes even through denial. It does not make us bad, weak or flawed. Its part of the human nature. When we make any excuse that allows us to place ourselves in compromising positions with the personality disordered, we are denying our reality. Once we understand the finality of the situation and accept beyond a reasonable doubt that we are with a PD, we have to accept that a final choice must be made if we want relief from the pain. Allowing yourself to remain in this relationship is only furthering conflict with in you. Now you really begin to question your sanity. So your battling full blown NVS symptoms and stacking on top of that the inability to go NC. Your asking yourself "what in the hell is wrong with me, I know this person is destructive and destroying me. Why can I just leave him?: Cognitive dissonace in that we know a choice must be made but we are refusing to act upon it. Two opposing thoughts that are in conflict within us. This is normal behavior for us as a victim of PDs. Here is the clinical definition of what i am referring to: "Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance (reducing conflict that leads to our pain). They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions (positive reaction). Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying (negative reaction). It is one of the most influential and extensively studied theories in social psychology." It is a normal part of human condition and should never be looked at as a character flaw. But the only way to truly address this dilemma is to recognize what is taking place with in us and move towards positive reactions. So like it or not our job here is to keep you in reality and free of denial. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #22)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Cognitive dissonance- Betty fyi

I want you to know that when I see or hear about Cognitive dissonance, I think of you. Haha! Lemme explain. I posted some feelings I was having and I described Cognitive dissonance but at that time I didn't know what was happening. Everyone posted their thoughts and their stories and I appreciated that but I still couldn't grasp wth is happening. Then you said "lol it's called Cognitive dissonance hon." Ah ha! I was enlightened. I'll always remember that. It was that tiny post that made me understand. That's what it's all about.
Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #23)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

And what a beautiful

And what a beautiful awakening this is. To know and understand that you have not crazy and need to run to the nearest psyc facility for admission. Im so glad it helped... xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #20)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Sickandtiredofit

Denial is a strange cat, honey. When you are in denial, you don't know that you are. Often you protest vehemently that you are NOT in denial (that is often the case :( ). Not because you are "wrong" or bad or just being stupid. Denial is a defense mechanism that exists within us for a REASON. It protects a person from an intolerable reality. A person sees that breaking their contact with the Narc as an intolerable reality. They still KNOW he is a demon from Hell, but it is intolerable to just cut him off (for whatever reasons). So, that set of thoughts just goes . . . poot. Huh? I don't need to cut him off entirely. I can do . . . THIS. Or, THAT. I can twist myself into a pretzel or challah and it will be "OK". It's just how our minds work. The first step in "getting real" is to accept that there may BE a degree of denial happening. And it would be no WONDER, you know? You are, and have been, living in Hell. And just trying to survive for God's sake. A person who doesn't revert to denial is probably not human, maybe a robot or severely mentally ill themselves. Denial is no shame :) It protects us. ESPECIALLY when we are still "in" and trying to get out. I was with a meth addict with sixteen (or more) guns and drug paraphernalia in my little cabin. Do you think I SAW all these guns and drug paraphernalia? Hell not, not until I LOOKED for it. My life was in extreme danger, but did I "feel" that it was? No, not until I got out and got some time away from him. Then it hit me. Everyone around me was VERY worried, I was the only one not so worried. I knew him, and how he was. He hadn't beat the snot out of me, he wasn't "violent". He shook me by the neck once, and waved a claw hammer in my face once. Every time I told him "Come on and do it you p*ssy, hit me, be a big man" he'd walk away. What's to be afraid of? LOL. Denial kept me from running screaming into the sunset. From panicking and freezing like a bunny rabbit. Denial isn't all BAD, it exists within us for a God given reason. But like anything else . . . it get's used too much, inappropriately, and to your own detriment. Other people can see it, while you are the only one whistling in the dark thinking "what is everyone so ON about here?? I'm fine!" When you are the only one doing that, and everyone else is looking at you with scared bug eyes, you are in denial of SOMETHING lol. Red flag :)
Nov 22 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

I hear ya' - I thought it was to me - it's not all me?

To keep up with the boat metaphor even... "Getting Reel?" No, I get it. I am in that stupid stuck in teh middle thing and I need to go forward. I do not think I am in denial or making excuses, but maybe I am. Itis the forst time I have tried to leave, and you have seen many "try" to leave. These are not just words, my word is good - he is the deal breaker and the lie maker, not me. I owe it to myself and my son - to have more - do more and be healthy mind and body.
Nov 22 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Getting REEL.... PMSL Once

Getting REEL.... PMSL Once it gets in ya head you just can't get it back out!!! lol Sea for two and Two for Sea...Grrrr I'm even singing em now. This is worse than the eggs sasperating eggs obsession yesterday damnit! lol Any weigh, sorry Betty for lowering the tone of this inspirational post you've made. I always have to .....Seas the day I think I have a denial problem too I've accepted that he is a Narc, I just can't seem to accept that I'm one of those people that doesn't know when to shut th f*ck up. Sailor Vee :)
Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

Despy

I like it . . . a lot!! Can I call you Sailor Vee in my head? I can totally see you with your captain hat on, steering the ship. You are about the last thing from a Desperatehousewife to me. Unless that has some sort of other subtle, ironic meaning to you, that is :)
Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #14)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Absolutely NOT briseis else

Absolutely NOT briseis else I shall Tanya Backside :) You've heard of the man with no name? Well I like to be the woman with many names ;) I've had quite a few over the years Tess Tickle Sig-Horny Beaver desprathouswife was me 6 years ago when I was still married, very unhappily, and it suited me well. I'm divorced now and that was my past. When I joined this site the LAST thing on my mind was my name, now it irks me that I have chosen it. I guess I should change it sometime soon...with permission of course. I just havent come up with a suitable alternative yet for where I am now. And of course I'll have to 'keep it clean' LOL....I have the title 'Queen of innuendo' ;) Guess thats food for thought for the future. So stop picturing me with a hat on...although I do have a magnificent SOH....SUPPLY OF HATS! lol Miss D Meaner xxx
Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #15)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

And while you are thinking of a new name

avoid dating men named "Mustafa Hardon" or "Phil McCavity" or "Buster Hymann". Or going logging with a man named Tim Burr. Or sharing a hot tub with Kay 0'Pectate. Or letting a guy named Lon Moore make you a salad.
Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Oh ffs Briseis stop that! LMAO

I OBVIOUSLY hooked up with Phil m'crackin. I'm a wanton woman you know:) Although Bigus Dickus did tempt me if I'm honest tsk tsk Instead who do I end up with????? Si f*cking Cotic oh and then to top it off Brian damage I'll never learn eh? lol
Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #16)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Im on the floor dying in

Im on the floor dying in laughter again. I think i need to get off for a while and collect my sanity!!!!! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Betty

I'd offer you the kiss of life but you may get the wrong eyed ear! PMSL
Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

DHW you are punny... berry berry punny

You are good at this. Maybe I am getting my humor back and my whit. I don't feel like the "Amazing Coma Girl" anymore, but I should edit before I send becaus eI am "Typo Gir." Oops. Seas the day, haha Yours is funnier than mine OMG "Sea Monkey Business" Gary Hart, remember? Sailor Vee Dee - hehehehehe
Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #5)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Tsk tsk

I can Sea I've got some Sea re-arse competition here sickandtiredofit. And now you have a thpeech impediment too. You thouldn't make fun of peepth with thpeech impedimenth, if Betty cometh and Seas we are taking the proverbial, she'll have our Guts For Charters. Glad to Sea you are getting your humor back :) Laughter Reel-y IS the best medicine Miss B Haven xx
Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #6)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

The "Bestest" Signed Miss Guided

I am a teacher, so yep, shame on me for making fun of those with big tongues that get in the way. It is my fingers that slow me down. My mind was going a mile a minute this weekend - I call it tweeked out. Like I said, I was so angry for so long about so many things I just swallowed all of it day in and day out. Why fight, it would just end with me feeling bad again and no resolution.
Nov 23 - 8AM (Reply to #12)
sickandtiredofit
sickandtiredofit's picture

Stupid but connected

Johnny Depp plays Capatain Jack Sparrow - kids called him Captain Jack Swallows, what?
Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Sickandtierdofit

I hope you know my tongue was in my cheek when I said that? lol A teacher eh? Like the whiskey or less of a spiritual one? ;) My mind goes ten to the dozen INCESSENTLY. I hate the anger thing, it really doesnt become me so I fight with wit instead. I wish I could give resolution to all on here, myself included. This thing we are all going through really SUCKS. I hate it when anyone feels bad so my instinctive reaction is to try and cheer them up. I sincerely hope that no-one takes offence at this (I know you havent) just saying in case anyone does. It's who I am, if I was in your class I'd be the class clown :)
Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #7)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Love you girls!!! Seas the

Love you girls!!! Seas the Day!! Maybe we could all pull resources and buy the biggest yacht known to man. I would love to take over Lake Michigan. The hubbub of Narcville!! Look out world the army of Got Reel has arrived!!! only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #8)
desprathousewife
desprathousewife's picture

Great idea Betty

We could call it No-errrrs Narc It will be a Narc free vessel and when the flood hits we will rescue all the non pathologicals and sail into the sunset, find a beautiful deserted island and live out our lives in peace and tranquility. Ahhhhhh I can dream can't I? ;) x
Nov 23 - 12AM (Reply to #10)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

Im just curious Despy?

How many squillion would such a yacht cost? :) I'm never gonna stop that am I? I liked it too much. Lmao. Too funny!
Nov 22 - 8PM (Reply to #9)
Playedwithfire
Playedwithfire's picture

And please take a turn north of the border

I'll be waiting for ya with my sun hat in one hand waving my survivor flag in the other! I think of us all as survivors! Playedwithfire

Playedwithfire