Forced to be like the narc!!!

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#1 Dec 6 - 2PM

Qing Yuan

Forced to be like the narc!!!

I'm a underhanded manipulator? Playing him at his own game! If I had the choice I would be gone! Long gone! But I've got debts n the mortgage! I'm having to let him on my life, smile sweetly and even be supportive! I fear him, not him exactly anymore, but I fear his ignorance and I loathe "every man for himself attitude" but until I can get myself out of this financil screw up I have to play at being friends! If I push him away he gets nastier and more contancerous! So I offer him food and say he can use our sons room to stay over, so that he will give me the money he is supposed to give me! I dontcwalk on eggshells anymore! He is too stupid and ignorant to make me fear him that way now! I see how looks at me! It's deadness behind those eyes! Investigated into selling the house! I would loose 20grand! Looked into maybe getting a lodger but my home is small and it worries me because my son would loose his bedroom and our privacy! Tho maybe it's better than sucking up to the narc! I'm fake now! I'm just like him! I don't want him! I don't know that I even loved him? True love is not dominating and frightening! True love didn't seek to control or manipulate! He won't have the money this month again cos he dodgy "job" won't pay him till January! I am destined to suffer this until I can find a way to pay for myself! I don't want 2loose my home! I've beensigned ff work for 4 wks because allthis made so ill! I worked hard to get my health back on track! When im strong again I will work out wat to donut untiltjen I'm a fake false person just like him! Playing house with him just to keep the peace! It's a wonder I didn't have this power b4, whereby I laugh at him! I started making regular jokes, pointng out his selfish core in sarcastic ways! I long to run away from him! Now I'm just like him! I hate myslf for not being stronger! I getting healthy! I hope as I get stronger I will eak him outof my life! Don't be sad people wen u think about ur ex narc, some of us miss them and yearn for them, even tho they are scum bags! Stop that nonsense! No matter how happy and succesful they seem in there lives, it means nothing! True happiness and success comes from respecting yourself and others! They will never know the joy that comes from respecting others! I thought I had respect and courtesy for everyone I ever met or knew! I never looked down at anyone or held any one in disregard! I never thought myself to be superior and would never judge anyone on my values as the be all to end all! I understood the diversity of human nature!!! Now I'm like a narc cos that's how I feel about him! He gave me that framework from which to view people! He taught me how to disrespect and lie! I'm afraid if u colour a rose with shit long enough it also turns to shit! I give because I frightened to loose all I have built for myself! I don't know how I'm going to win but I am going to! I will win my life back! It's a battle, sad but true, and if I have to learn to develop a very thick skin and be has cold as him, then so be it! I know I have a concious and a soul that I can replenish by being a good mother and working to hemp people! I know it's playing dirty but it's hoe he set the petamaters and if that's how I have to play it to rescue my life then so be it! I honestly feel that thus makes me as dark ad the narc himself! :(

#2 Dec 6 - 7PM

blueeyes

To heck with debts!

I remember putting off "the beginning" of my real new life because it was only a few months ago! Feels like years. I had every excuse not to leave, the kids, the house, the car, the stalking ect....they were excuses so I didn't have to change my life or make a bold rough decision. I even resigned myself to "wait for the court date", he will go to jail and this will be donr for me! Nope, it was me who had to go get help by law enforcement and take action to chose not to do this to myself and my kids. I have read your posts about how your Mom knows he's a Narc and opays bills? Right? Well, I'm sure she would help and that is something some of us don't have. I have 3 weeks (merry Xmas) to get out of my home due to bankruptcy. I still have nowhere to go but I've met so many angels in my escape that I have some help. I have the local church groups bringing me diapers, I have a car that a friend GAVE me. Its not a nice car but it works! The kids school district gave my kids the homeless program, which is free lunches, supplies ect..you have your mom, that's an angel!!! Take a chance, make a choice that this is UNACCEPTABLE. That word (at the end) was all I could say to him. Still that word plays over and over. Make a choice to save yourself. Please think about it at least? It's not easy but it easier to coming home with chest pain from not knowing what type of mood he's in.

#3 Dec 6 - 2PM

Briseis

Your debts in the mortgage

Your debts in the mortgage are more important than your SOUL??? They can't be honey!! You are putting a thing above the pricelessness of your SELF.

#4 Dec 6 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

Qing Yuan

yea and the toxicity of

yea and the toxicity of being around a narc will seep into my soul and corrode from the inside out but until I can work out how to sort this mess out without loosing all that I have worked hard to achieve I dont know what choice I have? YOur rigth of course, as soon as I posted I looked to find a way to delete my post. Im wrong on all counts. I feel that God will punish more for not be honest to myself. But where do I get my strength from. I have to bide my time while I get stronger... When I am fit and healthy again I can look for more work but until I am ready to do that I am a fake ass looser like him! Workign full time means takign my son out of stienr education. That will break my heart and start war with the narc. But I hate not being able to pay my debts. I am no freeloader. Yes there is corruption and the banks are no onse friend but I refuse to be taken down on a sinking ship when I am a intelligent woman who can get herself out this. This is not the marriage and family lif eI dreamed off. I am not supported and understaood, held tightly and kissed and made to feel special... I have to be my own saviour so I just pray that the love and healing I am giving to myself will be enough to get me thru this. :(

#5 Dec 6 - 4PM (Reply to #12)

Scoop

Gods not going to punish you

Gods not going to punish you , if he dose i will boycott anything he dose and...well he can fu*k right off . The school means alot to you , but if you know the steiner way of teaching you could conter act any bull shite youre child learns at main stream school , surely the child learns from his envioment more than a school , and i hate to say it but the envioment you are giving at home is not what you had hoped and would be increased ten fold if the narc was out of there . You know what i didnt go to a steiner school but i still understand the way the world is and it was my dad that taught me , what with his alotment and his hippy life , i took that knowledge and brought it into my life .. i think school taught me how to avoid the rubbish people... thats all , oh and how to make a roux sauce. I supose the point is school is just a place where we send the kids whist we are busy making a living to keep a happy home . If the home isnt happy then there is no point spending money on the school in hope of a better life for youre child . the school will always be there if you take him out for a while but YOU may be having it at a very dear price for you and youre son . Life is not about 20 grand , its about happyness and that dosent have a price . Rent the house out and go no contact .xx

#6 Dec 6 - 3PM (Reply to #3)

Briseis

No no, don't delete your

No no, don't delete your post :( I did the same thing you're doing!! I had a farm I would NOT leave and put up with the Narc so I could keep it. And like the sun rises in the east, I became someone I hated to be :( It's "wrong" but I'm not BLAMING you for being wrong. Blame has nothing to do with this. It's so very not what you need to be feeling about yourself right now. It is inevitable that such long term deep connection to a Narc pulls us down to their level. It is only understandable. The only way I COULD get through to him was in his own way. Manipulation, lying, playing his own games. It made me so sick :( I can barely recognize that person when I look back on her. I just feel BAD for her, not hatred or disgust or blame. Well, maybe a little disgust, but not the condemning kind. It's more like pity than disgust. I have no hope for you to "win" playing his game with him. You are too normal, too decent, too kind, too honest. You have too much dignity and respect for yourself to EVER go as far as he will go. That's why I can't NOT ask you why you'd put a mortgage debt above your own soul in VALUE. I did this myself. I put a "thing" above my own sould in value. There can be nothing more important and worthy of preservation than your own self, soul, personal dignity. You are your own savior. But you have to choose to save yourSELF, not some "thing".

#7 Dec 6 - 3PM (Reply to #11)

Qing Yuan

I also cut my dreads of this

I also cut my dreads of this week. he was the only one who liked them. It was hard to do but I think he knew it was part of the process of celansign myself of him and the life we had togther. I am different and I have been talking to God much more again these days. I pray for others more and less for myself. I feel like I am atleast improvign myself. I cant change him. but I can change me. X BLess you B for your cupport. You are a very kind and loiving soul and I am glad that you found peace in the relationship you have with yourself. I know now that, that is what I hope for too. Not anotehr man or some saviuor in shining armours but a great loveing GOd-light in my own life to guide me to be the best person I can be. xx

#8 Dec 6 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

Qing Yuan

I hear what your saying but

I hear what your saying but I stand to loose every single penny my family struggled to find to put into this house. If anyone has any guilt then this is where its at. I fear letting down my family, my son, my self... How can I let my family down. My mother and father worked hard for what they have for this little jumoed up twerp, with is dogmaytic and ever changeable ideas about the 'government and the system' that means he is above working 'hard' for a honest living... to just come along and be instumental in blowing it all!!!! I want to have my home and my security. I worked hard to get on the property ladder. I have a decent job and I am respected in my field. I feel that in time I could work my way up and get secure a better job. I have decided to give up drinking and I thik this will really take me to a new level of self realisation... I hear you tho Briseis. I know your story and my God, I am sure your right... but dont hold too much digust back there for the things you did to try to do battle with the stupid idiot... you were tryign to protect yourself and what you have achived. and atleast you tried even if you didnt win that battle, I know you won others.. by being a btter human than he could ever be.. BUT... for me... well... WE took out loads of debt togther. I was a fool to agree to the stuff we bought. I took out a credit card to cover paying for my son clothes and for food.. I am not exactly innocent in the debt acquirement. I owe 4 grand on one card alone!!! I tried to get debt consolidation loan today but I cant have one because as a single person I only break even and as they couldnt find any 'spare cash' for food and living they said I wasnt a viabale person to give this loan too. I either get a lodger, get a another job or file for bankrupcy... none of which are easy options under my curent circumstances.. I did let go of the anger recently tho... .It made me ill. When I had that ear infection I knew I had crossed a line and it was time to shape up... the anger boiled up inside me until I was screamign at him with spit flying out of my mouth. I really felt such deep deep hatered towatrds him. That deep anger manifested in such a shocking illness. I have infected skin all over my body... THEN..after a while.. even with sores on my body badly swollen ears.... I prayed for him... AND... I went into deep deep forgivness. It made me begin to be nicer to him. He has responded to that by improving his behaviour. He has cleaned the house and looked after our son more and its been amicable! he has even curbed his oppinions and stopped talking when I gave him the cue to do so... Amazing! When he makes a play to dig at me or is rude I leave the room. How long will this last? who can tell? it will break down eventually I guess.. I know this is toxic and that over time it will surly come to be a mistake but I have no choice right now. I want to keep this house, my home and so until I work out how to do that I have to try to really forgive him and not be so angry at him.. That Breseis takes the greatest strength I have ever known and I hope that it is what will help me imporve myself and grow spiritually... I hope that is doent prove to be the worst choice. I will see. after Christmas I may look to sell the house again. I just keep praying that God will support me to find anotehr way to keep my home.

#9 Dec 7 - 4AM (Reply to #9)

Scoop

Ok there is a way to get

Ok there is a way to get youre credit cards way down , by law the credit card companys are abliged to take anything you offer them each month ... it is not bankrupsy , the company you need is "pay plan " they are non proffit and they wont charge for thier servises , they will talk you through what you can do , my friend has got his creditors to agree to one pound a month each which by law the lowest they can take lol . You wont get anymore credit whilst you are on the plan but you cant handle any credit , as long as you make the payments each month it wont distroy youre credit in the long run and when you are in a better situation you can go back to pay normal amounts .. Its as cool as it sounds and no catch .It wont apply to youre morgage although it may give you a holiday off payments for a couple of months while you are getting it sorted . The Labour gov did something good by bring this in and more people should know about it , but the credit cards dont want people to know HA i wonder why .

#10 Dec 7 - 4AM (Reply to #10)

Scoop

Also you can throw away

Also you can throw away youre water bill as by law the water company have to take the same offer , and electisity and gas .. there are so many ways round things , trust me i have been ducking and diving all my life and you know what i have still managed to keep good credit , the system is there to be played .Any questions you know where i am xx

#11 Dec 6 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Briseis

What pushed me over the edge

What pushed me over the edge was the fear that if I broke down physically (the emotional part was WAY broken) I would lose EVERYTHING anyway. What's to have when you are too sick from stress to even work? I'm probably a good ten or fifteen years older than you (just guessing here) and even though I am not old, my body is not limitless in it's ability to fend of such stress. There are many diseases that are attributed to ongoing, unrelenting STRESS. They are disabling diseases, and not curable either. What's this with sores all over your body? Girl, this is not NORMAL. This sounds like a very impaired immune system, either that or you are living in a septic tank instead of a house lol!! I KNOW you aren't, but people's bodies don't just DO things like this without a big reason! Without your physical health, you will have NOTHING, be able to salvage NOTHING, and who's gonna take you and your son in? And will you wish you'd made some changes in your life to diminish the stress before it was too late? We are talking permanent kinds of damage here, hon. These are the things that got to me in those last weeks before I gave up my farm. I hear you about the reasons behind keeping the house. You really want to keep it??? OK then. Why on God's green Earth are you depending upon that useless NARC to help you keep it?? Why not just burn it to the ground, that will be quicker and you might get some insurance money. You want to keep it? Do something that will realistically ensure you keep your house. Do something that will not cost you your health. Your son needs you. Who's gonna raise him if something happens to you? His Narc daddy? Relying on that Narc to help you keep the house is like relying on gas to not ignite near an open flame. I *hope* it won't blow me to Kingdom Come . . . I get a feeling that letting go of this Narc, emotionally, is the real problem. Otherwise you'd have found a way to save the house that didn't include HIM. Could that be a possibility? Otherwise it doesn't make sense why you'd cling to the Narc to help you save it, because he so obviously would let you and your son starve and go homeless if you didn't badger and hound him :(

#12 Dec 7 - 5AM (Reply to #8)

Qing Yuan

What made you finally get out?

A lot of the time I feel sorry for him. I guess at the death I think I want to help him. I see what your saying B. I think your right. I do hold on emotionally to this ghost of a person. He tells me he stripped his bank acc to give me every penny he has at that time. I believe him. But he is still not the provider he thinks he is. Most fathers wouldnt have hesistated at being the one who provides the support for his wife and son. Found a bit of work to get us through the times when he doesnt have the cash to pay his debts. He has had jobs before. Regular 'ordinary people' jobs. He gets depressed when he has a job like that. Inevitably he walks out before he has secured anything else. It's what he has always done. So not paying debtors and begin shady comes naturally to him. I offer to feed him because I have borrowed monet from my family for food. I feel sorry for him that his family wouldnt or maybe couldnt, I am not sure which it is, do that for him. He would never ask I guess. SO I do think there is an attachment that is slow to be broken. I am makign progress but I am not letting go fast enough. I guess that there is a worldly attachment to my home that I need to be able to let go if necessary. This stuff is hard right. Didnt it take a long while to break away? What made you finally get out?

#13 Dec 6 - 6PM (Reply to #5)

no more

Qing Yuan

I truly hope everything else is going Ok for you... Are your sores disappearing??? I know it's tough,,but please hold up as much as you can towards your house,,,,send your son to a different school and put all the money you can to save your house. YOu say you have a good enough job to go it on your own,,,just get to that point. Don`t be deceived by the N,,,,he will never change,,but his life is also falling apart and he will continue to drain you dry,,,DON`T let him. Only think about you and your son right now. These N`s know how to pull all the stops on us,,,,,DO NOT let him. It is all about you right now. If we can survive long enough to get past all this BS then we will all come out on top. Their lives are going to be full of turmoil,,,but in the end we will be the winners. Chin up and keep strong!!!!

I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.

#14 Dec 7 - 5AM (Reply to #6)

Qing Yuan

I just dont get it do

I just dont get it do I????... I know your all right and ofcourse I am kidding myself. Thats probably why I put it out there. I am not even sure my posts are private from him. I am probably still afraid to stand up for myself in the way that I need to. I used to be tough and I his treatment of me, weakened me. Yes the sores on my body were caused by the severe level of depression I became acustomed to over the past 5 years. I have loved deeply that I am a mother and for that I know its hard to say all the last 5 years have been total shit cos they havent. But I know I am kidding myself and it is a matter of time until he turns on me like he always does. But I am not going to shout and scream at him ever again. I am going to stay cool and stand up for myself by movign away from the energy he creates. I can make a choice to stay protected while I am force to be around him.... The extreme anger made my excema infected. I had sores on my feet and ears and face. Really bad on my toes and inside my ear. I am not a dirty person at all, I am quite house proud and my lovely friends always compliment me on having a clean home... (ex narc used to say I was a 'slob' and 'lazy' and perhaps back then when my son was very small baby, I was more lax about cleaning, but show me a mother who is a 'good mother' whose house is clean an immaculate during breast feeding an infant).... but I cut of my dreads too incase they didnt help me heal. Alot of engery was trapped in those locks... .....I am saying I know your right but right now I just got to concentrate on restoring my health. I cant start painting the house yet and if I dont then I wont sell it. My bed room had torn off wall paper and drawings on the wall. I wrote poety all over my walls. Angery poetry about him. Like my dreads that were about him, my bedroon is still filled with anger. I am gona strip walls and paint and then maybe will look to sell the house again but for now I am stuck. Although i guess that is also a choice. To not chosse 'fear' and to choose 'challenge!!!!!' instead.. Because If he doesnt pay me then I will loose the house anyway. My mother still thinks he is gona come thru I think... I dont think she really gets it. WE are probaly going to loose the money... I dont want to live like that. so either I sell the house and cut my losses while its still not in negative equity or loose it to the bank... either way I am out on the street... :) SO I fear loosing this home. Its becasue it is quiet and I like the quiet here. But I know its probably not that bad and the fear of it is worse that reality. I have a job I can find another place to live right? Your right ladies. I was on some kind of la la trip. Thanks for making me see this. xx

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