Forced to be like the narc!!!
Forced to be like the narc!!!
I'm a underhanded manipulator? Playing him at his own game! If I had the choice I would be gone! Long gone! But I've got debts n the mortgage! I'm having to let him on my life, smile sweetly and even be supportive! I fear him, not him exactly anymore, but I fear his ignorance and I loathe "every man for himself attitude" but until I can get myself out of this financil screw up I have to play at being friends! If I push him away he gets nastier and more contancerous! So I offer him food and say he can use our sons room to stay over, so that he will give me the money he is supposed to give me! I dontcwalk on eggshells anymore! He is too stupid and ignorant to make me fear him that way now! I see how looks at me! It's deadness behind those eyes! Investigated into selling the house! I would loose 20grand! Looked into maybe getting a lodger but my home is small and it worries me because my son would loose his bedroom and our privacy! Tho maybe it's better than sucking up to the narc! I'm fake now! I'm just like him! I don't want him! I don't know that I even loved him? True love is not dominating and frightening! True love didn't seek to control or manipulate! He won't have the money this month again cos he dodgy "job" won't pay him till January! I am destined to suffer this until I can find a way to pay for myself! I don't want 2loose my home! I've beensigned ff work for 4 wks because allthis made so ill! I worked hard to get my health back on track! When im strong again I will work out wat to donut untiltjen I'm a fake false person just like him! Playing house with him just to keep the peace! It's a wonder I didn't have this power b4, whereby I laugh at him! I started making regular jokes, pointng out his selfish core in sarcastic ways! I long to run away from him! Now I'm just like him! I hate myslf for not being stronger! I getting healthy! I hope as I get stronger I will eak him outof my life! Don't be sad people wen u think about ur ex narc, some of us miss them and yearn for them, even tho they are scum bags! Stop that nonsense! No matter how happy and succesful they seem in there lives, it means nothing! True happiness and success comes from respecting yourself and others! They will never know the joy that comes from respecting others! I thought I had respect and courtesy for everyone I ever met or knew! I never looked down at anyone or held any one in disregard! I never thought myself to be superior and would never judge anyone on my values as the be all to end all! I understood the diversity of human nature!!! Now I'm like a narc cos that's how I feel about him! He gave me that framework from which to view people! He taught me how to disrespect and lie! I'm afraid if u colour a rose with shit long enough it also turns to shit! I give because I frightened to loose all I have built for myself! I don't know how I'm going to win but I am going to! I will win my life back! It's a battle, sad but true, and if I have to learn to develop a very thick skin and be has cold as him, then so be it! I know I have a concious and a soul that I can replenish by being a good mother and working to hemp people! I know it's playing dirty but it's hoe he set the petamaters and if that's how I have to play it to rescue my life then so be it! I honestly feel that thus makes me as dark ad the narc himself! :(
To heck with debts!
Your debts in the mortgage
yea and the toxicity of
Gods not going to punish you
No no, don't delete your
I also cut my dreads of this
I hear what your saying but
Ok there is a way to get
Also you can throw away
What pushed me over the edge
What made you finally get out?
Qing Yuan
I just got involved with the same N for the second time.
What was I thinking? Because I have put myself back to the same point where I am blaming myself again. And for what?
I want to get rid of these feelings again.
I just dont get it do