Fireworks !

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#1 Jul 5 - 5PM

BadaBing

Fireworks !

Hope you all had a great 4th!

I went out of town -again- =) operation NC ninja was in effect and EX doesn't like it one bit. I said was because I had a small set back.

He called/texted alot right up to the 4th of july pestering to know if I would attend friends party? he texted numerous times again I reminded him that I wasn't going to be available to him or answer to him anymore about my plans but , No I wouldn't be going.

He wrote me a long response about how much he loved me and saying how he would just 'going to wait me out' and he would 'wait for me to realize that I wont find better than him out there' and that I take for granted that people click the way we do and our passion & it will just take a little while for me to realize what we had ...blah blah blah
he begged me to take him back. Here is just a snipet from his email:

"babe PLEASE LISTEN to me and let's just take this a step in a more postitive direction, steps that bring us closer instead of farther out of each other's lives. I am so inlove with you so much I don't want to walk away from you or lose you. I will never jeopardize us again I know how foolish I was. You know I have seen the error of my ways"

so I wrote him back telling him that 'he was right!' what he HAD ...WAS..special. All past tense. I did love him. I wish it had never happened but no going back now. (I had been attempting NC and admit it's hard to turn it off completely still.)

I went to my sisters house for the weekend again and she invited me along for the fireworks at the park and waited like everyone else for the show to start.

I noticed him sitting about 50 feet away. Sitting alone in a chair watching me. I had no idea how long he had been there. My heart rate shot up. We were there for about 15 mins when I noticed him. He showed up at the park where we were. Did he follow me from her house? It's not a stretch for me to be with her out of town but for him to know and show up?!

I told my sister -who told her boyfriend and he seemed to want to handle it. I didn't let him. I asked them to please stay sitting and I walked over.

He was upbeat and acted like it was just another day and said 'happy 4th!' I asked him how long he had been here? and he said since 4pm !! I told him that I would prefer he leave and he said it was a public place and asked if I wanted a drink from his cooler? Why wasn't I happy to see him? he said he was very happy to see me here alone. I told him I wasn't alone and he said 'you know what I mean' I asked why he didn't go to friends party? he said because he wanted to know where I was 'more'.

I told him it was pretty basic info that he can predict I will be with my sister and he said 'insurance' and smirked. I went back over to my blanket and my sister asked if we could move I told her I didn't mind and her boyfriend went over and told EX not to follow.

We moved far away over and away from him. AS the fireworks exploded I felt him all over me still and it was strange to feel comfort knowing where he was too. After the show we packed up like everyone else and he walked up to me and I instantly felt the tension rise in everyone. He asked if he could drop me off? I am not sure how it all happened but sister's BF got really sick of EX (who was now walking with us back to the lot) and they had a small loud altercation (enough to get attention) and I became the peace maker.

After this semi=fight EX kept saying to me 'just ride in MY CAR WITH ME and we will follow them!" he basically had a effing melt down in the parking lot embarassing me that it would 'all end right now just talk to me - just us' and 'I will follow their car, promise!'

I can't even understand how it happened. But as soon as I was inside his car I could feel my sisters disapproval and stare from her vehicle.

The smell of his car brought back so so many memories. And, there I was giving him all the gratification he wanted after ignoring and doing well (and I thought strong) even after going out of town..I was in his car..again.

After the chaos and fight I gave in to his persistance to talk once again. He grabbed and held my hand over the drive and said 'remember this?" held up our clasped hands and kissed my hand. I told him to stop and he started telling me how much he misses me and he can't stop thinking of me. He kept looking over at me and I would tell him to stop and he would say 'stop what?' stop looking at me! He said he just like looking at me and would try to keep his eyes on the road. I watched him and didn't talk and the red lights of the other car lit up his face. I wanted it all to be okay.

I didn't want to talk. In these sweet moments I feel sentimental and I can't speak or trust my feelings so I just tried my best to keep my mouth shut.

It felt good for a moment again I knew I was slipping big time and I was getting out of his car. I didn't have any fight in me I don't get it why I didn't. Where was that fire in my belly?

he held my hand and kissed it and pulled me forward and kissed me and it was so powerful it was better than the fireworks

I wanted him so badly. I just stayed quiet.

He kissed me again multiple times on the ride home. He grabbed the back of my neck and softly asked me asked me to come back with him. He told me I couldn't kiss him like that and say that I felt nothing for him. He told me not to tease him. All this softly spoken in to my ear which is one of my spots (ahem). He pulled up to my sisters house and I had no time before she was there at the door knocking on my window.

She opened my side door and said ' GET OUT NOW!' and she grabbed my arm said ' Nice try EX!!NOT TONIGHT!!! and walked me inside. When we got inside she asked me 'WTF?!" and "EXACTLY, how STUPID ARE YOU!?' were a few of her words.

her BF came inside and got upset with me too and told me not to come to their home and cooperate in any way with 'that guy' who 'we thought you broke up with' and 'what the hell were you thinking?!" !! he was only slightly nicer than she was and i got plenty of feedback about my drama behavior and sending mixed signals and I they didn't know what was happening to me when I got in his car.

I told them both I felt safe in the traffic with them in the car ahead of us and I didn't mean to make them upset. I regret what I did and what I allowed to happen. I am pretty down on my self tonight. I apologized them both more than once.

I am afraid that I have established a pattern with him now and he will be testing my boundaries and efforts at NC more than ever.

***** happy 4th!*****
thanks for listening tonite

This

#2 Jul 6 - 3PM

girlsinger

Bada,...here is why you are addicted to him

Hi precious One here is why you are addicted to him this lady is my teacher, of 15 years and I have had the honor of hosting her show for her on the radio I met her after her many appearances on Oprah in late 90's early 2000 nobody had it 'down" like her..nobody this is why you are addicted to him..,braveheart as I have mentioned before half of the problem is chemical and the other 50% is also chemical http://www.drpatallen.com/EXC-goodwomen.shtml you are precious no judgements only lessons be blessed K

#3 Jul 6 - 1PM

BadaBing

I screwed up

Thanks again for you heartfelt comments. I am still overwhelmed in this break up and I feel like I flucuate like the fucking winds! I am aggravated, sad, frustrated and lonely. I can admit I am not my self right now. AGain, Contact throws me off balance. I am sorry for disappointing my sister or any of you but I can't be up on a pedestal that I can make it through this ordeal without breaking or messing up or screwing up big time. I just want to wipe it all from history and go back and re=do. My sister is SO SO SO angry at me. I don't blame her really. I have said too much in how I have really felt and I am sure that is scarey to her to think I could go back. I had a lot of alcohol by the time the fireworks started and I was not in control , and I would like to point out to anyone that cares - I didn't bother to be in control. The wamr alcohol and then mixed with him being there and surprised me. I should be been more angry, my sister was correct in observing how she had to ask to move the blanket away - I was happy to sit near him and let him watch us. I further totally pissed her off by somehow bargining to end the fight - that who cared if her BF beat up EX? let them work it out and separate my self. I have learned much about my own resolve and will power. I notice I have a 4 day pattern of speaking and then seeing him and then- his tongue in my mouth. 1st rule of NC would be to stop making out right!? No I am not thinking of going back. Yes, this is sexual for me. I am still very much still attracted to him and I don't want to think about 'what happened' because I also still do love him - right or wrong I have yet to snap out of the feelings part. I cry often and frequently still, I haven't posted much lately about those feelings, they never go away just change intensity. I long for him. When I was in the car with him those same alarm bells were warning me. But sitting there I didn't have words because it felt so damn good to be near him again. He is familiar still and I enjoyed kissing him and I think it must of showed. My behavior and letting down that wall really made my sister angry with me. I am sorry if I have angered any one here too. I have apologized to both of them. I am once again sobering up from the night after. I am still trying - I am not giving up leaving him. But I am very disappointed in my self and at times I don't know what to do or how to deal with all of it. I attempted to break up a load and boisterous fight between him and her BF and EX and him are on two different sides. I am really struggling with my loneliness. Why does it still feel so good to be near him?

#4 Jul 6 - 4PM (Reply to #32)

Journey

We are not judging you Bada,

We are not judging you Bada, not at all... it is always easier to see the bigger picture from the outside. It feels so good to be near him because you love him. Simple as that, even though he has hurt you beyond belief and continues to make your life miserable, there is a part of him which you want to be able to trust, to believe, to care about - this is normal. His hoovering is so hard to resist because it feels like things have the possibility of being fixed or righted, that the pain you've felt will go away. We bond to our abuser because they are the ones we need to repair our pain with the most, but in reality they are the ones who will continue to cause it within us by our caring. What you are going through is so normal for us survivors, please don't think there is anything 'wrong' with you for still caring or hurting. My ex doesn't even hoover romantically and I've been out of the relationship for almost 2 years and I still cry at times because of how hurt I've been or because I miss who I thought he was. I am not confused anymore, but that doesn't make all the pain go away unfortunately. The only reason I have not succumbed to mine romantically is because HE LEFT ME for new supply and he doesn't need me for that any longer. I still don't know if I could resist him if he were to come back and hoover me in that way. The attraction I felt with him was stronger than I have ever known in my life with anyone. At first I was sad he didn't come back, now I am so grateful. That trauma bond of attraction and caring lingers because we loved them and they mistreated us and we want THAT to go away and to stop hurting us. What we fail to see during temptation, is that THAT is really HIM that needs to go away. Your ex really sounds alarm bells in me and I urge you to find the strength to resist the temptation when it arises to have anything to do with him, ever again. Stay with the forum and keep posting when you feel weak - and when you feel strong. Your past strength has been an inspiration to me (and I'm sure many others here). We are not disappointed IN you by this recent episode, only FOR you. ((hugs)) !!

Journey on...

#5 Jul 6 - 2PM (Reply to #31)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Nobody here is angry. The

Nobody here is angry. The only person this hurts is you. Honestly, most of us would have probably been sucked in at least once by now with his persistence. It's very hard to maintain NC when they're hoovering you that badly and the attraction is so strong. And I think that's another component of these Narc relationships. The physical chemistry is stronger than in other relationships and part of what keeps us hooked and going back for more. I don't know what I would have done if I had been in your shoes, it helps that I live clear across the country and can't run into him. He also changed his phone number and I believe his email address but I haven't checked. I've been 16 weeks NC and haven't seen him for 6 months. I last saw him on January 5th, he dumped me on January 31st, I finally went NC on March 14, and here I am today missing him STILL and bawling my eyes out! I thought I was past this point, but obviously not. It's not like this everyday, but I'm still hurt about everything he did to me and what he turned out to be. It truly is like a death, but combined with betrayal. I think we all agree there is nothing quite like the pain of going through this experience.

#6 Jul 6 - 10AM

mystwoman

Badabing, he's stalking you.

Badabing, he's stalking you. He's dangerous. This guy has now intruded to the point where even your "safe haven" with your sister isn't "safe". You can't even get out of town with the confidence that you are escaping your stalker. SURPRISE! He can follow you and pop up at any moment. This turd would love nothing better than to isolate you away from the sanity of your sister (and he managed to do it when he got you into his car alone). That is one of the ways that abusers maintain control over their target...isolation. Trust me, if he DOES manage to suck you back, that sweet "honeymoon" period isn't going to last very long, and his mistreatment of you will be MUCH worse than it ever was before. Don't think for a single second that his cheating will EVER stop. He will know that he can cheat AND you will still take him back. In addition, he will be angry that you defied him, and there WILL be retribution. I know from personal experience that every time you go back to these monsters, it will only get worse and more abusive for you. Yes, you are correct. HE will think this is a pattern (it isn't a pattern, it's a one-off incident), and he will now test your boundaries harder than he did before (until you absolutely enforce NC). He now will think that it's alright to just show up in your life, wherever, and whenever he wishes. Stalking is NOT alright. It's dangerous and it's illegal. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly but, if you seriously want to get this narc out of your life, you cannot afford to be congenial or friendly to him AT ALL. He is a predator that is toying with his prey (you). Absolute NC is the only way to your freedom from him and a happier life in the future. Don't be too hard on yourself for this incident. We ALL have broken NC in one form or another. Face it, this WAS a person that we loved. Unlike the narc, WE actually have the ability to love others. My advice to you is to call the police whenever he surfaces, and don't speak a word to him. Walk away and get somewhere safely away from him. Make public scenes when he shows up, if necessary, to get away. Document in writing every single thing he does concerning you. In addition, it sounds to me like it's time for you to get a restraining order against him. Following you out of town is blatantly stalking. He's simply refusing to accept that it's OVER between you two, and I'm sorry, but you DO have a vote in this matter. It's NOT all about him. Just because he bullies and hounds you like an over-grown child in a man's body, does NOT mean that he gets his baby way. HE CHEATED. The picture of him that you need to keep, first and foremost in your mind, is that picture that HE burned into your memory when you walked in on him and that OW. He betrayed you. You told him that you're ending the relationship because of HIS behavior. Now, he's not accepting your decision. It's time to start playing "hard ball" with him and call the police on him whenever he surfaces. What he's doing is dangerous to you, you have have every right to your personal security/safety living the way YOU choose. He's trying to take away YOUR control of your life, YOUR feelings of security to do whatever you wish, and go wherever you wish. He's making sure that you are constantly having to look over your shoulder every second of your life wondering when the NEXT time will be that he surfaces. He is destroying YOUR quality of life with his behavior, and he has absolutely no right to do this. Once again, this puts HIM in control of you. Narcs are all about control. If you're truly serious about getting him out of your life, please go completely NC with him and get a restraining order. There is no option to be "friendly" with a narc. To interact with them means getting used and hurt. The only options with them are giving the narc NS, and NO CONTACT. Great big hugs to you. I know you're hurting, and I really feel for you.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#7 Jul 6 - 7PM (Reply to #27)

BadaBing

sad u are right =(

Trust me, if he DOES manage to suck you back, that sweet "honeymoon" period isn't going to last very long, and his mistreatment of you will be MUCH worse than it ever was before. Don't think for a single second that his cheating will EVER stop. He will know that he can cheat AND you will still take him back. Lots of sad faces tonight I think I am having a hard time dealing with alot of things one of them being his level or percentage of narcness and my own justification for not cutting the cord/isolating from him in a more direct manner but I have I beat myself up for being weak and it's all a big mind fuck! I KNOW I have to leave him. I have asked him for 60 days. I want 2 months of ME time.

#8 Jul 6 - 9PM (Reply to #28)

Smitten Kitten (not verified)

Don't beat yourself up.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not weak, you're human. You've been amazingly strong in an impossible situation and have had to deal with enormous temptation in his hoovering/stalking. Feelings and love for someone don't disappear overnight (unless you're a Narc), even when they've hurt and betrayed you. Even when you know it can't work in the long run, the feelings are still there. That will take time. A lot of time most likely. Seems like these Narc relationships do such a number on your head, it's a long time getting over it and moving on because "normal" relationships don't seem to compare. And the trick is to not get narced again because that's what we're attracted to.

#9 Jul 7 - 9AM (Reply to #29)

mystwoman

Smitten Kitten is correct.

Smitten Kitten is correct. Don't beat yourself up. You're not weak. You're human. You're hurting badly and you've been betrayed. I think you've been incredibly strong. His stalking and bullying has been continuous, and he's tormenting you endlessly. Smitten nailed it. Narc relationships do such a number on your head. It's a really traumatic experience. It takes a long time to recover. Huge hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#10 Jul 6 - 10AM (Reply to #26)

spinning

bada, myst just said it all!

Please listen and consider it! I'll speak for myself when I say I'm 53 years old. Do you want to end up at 53 years old in this same kind of drama and tangled mess? He will destroy you. I was ALMOST ALMOST DESTROYED! Please don't let that happen to you! I was like you when I was younger. I NEVER THOUGHT I'd put up with such poor treatment from ANYONE! People who knew me (my family, my real friends) agreed and ARE SHOCKED AT THE TRUTH! Bada, don't give this destructive "individual" your power. Myst is so right when she says the idealization will be swift and the destruction will be something you cannot currently imagine. She and I have LIVED IT. Spare yourself, sweet brave beautiful Bada. You've done so well. The point Myst made about the safe haven now being gone is HUGE! Please consider that. This is an indicator that he will infiltrate your entire being. Nothing was off limits from the disordered one I was involved with! HE EVEN READ MY WRITING JOURNAL WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER!!! Bada, please go NC and call the police and start a paper trail. Please consider Myst's post and my two cents. I wish you well and want you to be happy and thrive! Love and hugs from, (fighting hard to not be) spinning (EVER AGAIN)

spinning

#11 Jul 6 - 9AM

gettinbetter

Don't you dare beat yourself

Don't you dare beat yourself up about it. You have done so well and are exxample to for everyone. You have exhibited incredible strength and you have taken control of your situation. I think a lot of people would have wallowed around in victimhood. I think I probably would have been one of them. From your posts I can see that you are looking inward for strenght to move forward. Though what you witnesseed was horrific and traumatizing I am amazed at how well you have pulled yourself together. This was just a little bump in the road. Keep posting I think others can learn from you

#12 Jul 6 - 9AM

gettinbetter

Don't you dare beat yourself

#13 Jul 6 - 1AM

Journey

BadaBing

I'm so sorry you have been 'hypnotized' by the spell of narc with this experience, but it sounds like that is exactly what happened. I think your ex is really dangerous and him showing up at the park and as you say, staring at you when you noticed him is down right creepy. (not to mention all the other times he's left you unwanted gifts, letters, followed you etc.) I know there is emotionally a lot going on within you about him, the cog dis, the confusion - but the facts remain the same. He stalks you, he refuses to respect your boundaries at all, he is desperately hoovering to regain control and he's laying on the seductive spell as thick as it gets. I don't trust him at all and I'm worried for you. I think you are right that he will be thinking he's 'winning' because you showed vulnerability. They are vultures and hone in on our weaknesses. Please see him for ALL he is and how disturbing his relentless hoovering and ignoring your right to some distance from him really is behavior wise and try to find your strength and clarity again. You sound like such a cool and awesome woman. HE sounds like a psycho on a mission. If none of this had happened and you were with him as before, ignorant of his afternoon encounter... would he still be considering how valuable you are to him professing undying love or would he be cheating behind your back as he devalues you with disrespectful behavior and lies? HE knows he screwed up and feels bad only because he got caught. I'm sure losing you is freaking him out because he can't stand to lose control over you (his best and constant supply). HE KNEW what he was doing was wrong but didn't value YOU or your relationship enough to stop himself... Anyone who smirks or feels self satisfaction about seeing you 'alone' when he should be hanging his head in shame and embarrassment for hurting you the way he has in the first place, is just evil in my book. (hugs)

Journey on...

#14 Jul 6 - 12AM

TraumaMamma

Send me your number

I get 911 calls all the time for people all over the US. Cali, Texas, NY, where ever. Next time narc decides to stalk you, text me your where abouts. City, street, etc. I'll send the PD to you. I do it every day, darlin' and it will take the heat off you. Read the "Gift of Fear" Read this story..and do you recognize any of these??? http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Gift-of-Fear-by-Gavin-de-Becker/1 Excerpt- PINS (Pre-Incident Indicators)Forced Teaming. This is when a person tries to pretend that he has something in common with a person and that they are in the same predicament when that isn't really true. Charm and Niceness. This is being polite and friendly to a person in order to manipulate him or her. Too many details. If a person is lying they will add excessive details to make themselves sound more credible. Typecasting. An insult to get a person who would otherwise ignore one to talk to one. Loan Sharking. Giving unsolicited help and expecting favors in return. The Unsolicited Promise. A promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for; this usually means that such a promise will be broken. For example: an unsolicited, "I promise I'll leave you alone after this," usually means you will not be left alone. Similarly, an unsolicited "I promise I won't hurt you" usually means the person intends to hurt you. Discounting the Word "No". Refusing to accept rejection. I am worried about you. People that do NOT respect peoples boundaries such as that and do not take NO for an answer will stop at WHAT line, exactly?? I shudder to think. Be safe sweetheart. P.S. PROPS to you for baring your soul here. It would be easy to pretend it never happened and we would never be the wiser. Or fall off the face of the earth here. I'm glad you are reaching out. Keep doing it! :)

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

#15 Jul 5 - 10PM

TNR1

Just some food for thought....

my therapist once told me "if you are the source of an Ns happiness, that also opens you up to be the source of his UNhappiness". Sounds like your exN is trying to idealize you again...this should be a huge red flag because the more intense the idealization, the more intense the D&D when you "fail" to meet their expectations. It is sooooooo incredibly hard to convince our hearts that this "over the top" wooing is a bad thing when our hearts have craved it for so long. Now is the time to remember all the things that went terribly wrong or you will get sucked back in. Believe me (and those of us who have gone back know this well), they don't get better...they just switch up their manipulation tactics and up the idealization a notch. If you do decide to get back with him....go back with open eyes about his Nness. The roller coaster ride isn't anymore fun the second or third or forth or firth time.

#16 Jul 5 - 9PM

Giggles

be kind

Be kind to yourself. This is one of the most challenging things any of us have gone through. Sometimes I keep repeating to myself he is a lying cheating sack of shit. This weekend I got out of the house and actually had some fun. I felt so good yesterday. Happy and proud of myself. Out of nowhere I started crying about him this morning. WTF? I never want to see him again! Obviously it is still hard to accept he has a new narc supply and face the painful reality that he was cheating on me the whole time we were together.Everything out of his mouth was a lie. When my family or friends would say be thankful it's over and he gave you some expensive gifts-good for you. It only upset me. So I tried to educate them about narcs because this isn't like any relationship I've ever had (although I have been in other abusive relationships). The level of deception and cruelty is off the charts and my head and heart are scrambled. I hope I can maintain NC. So far, so good. Take it one day at a time Badabing. Show them the Narc in a Nutshell post. I sent it to some people so they could understand a little more. As good as the sex was with your Narc (and mine was too) remind yourself of all the other women he may be with and he is using you for supply. They are master manipulators. If you close your eyes and give in to the memories you will become lost again. Keep them open and remember the facts, not the emotional stuff because he is only acting out his role of besotted ex-boyfriend. It is only an act. Hugs to you. Stay strong. :)

#17 Jul 5 - 9PM (Reply to #19)

TraumaMamma

Giggles...Sigh....

This weekend I got out of the house and actually had some fun. I felt so good yesterday. Happy and proud of myself. Out of nowhere I started crying about him this morning. WTF? I never want to see him again! Me too. Ugh.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

#18 Jul 5 - 7PM

Littleone

Badabing!!! Where is that

Badabing!!! Where is that tough girl gone that we all know so well?? She's dissapeared. I'm not judging you, but jeez girl!!! You need to get yourself out of this rut, right now, it will consume you. This is going to sound really awful, but I think you need a kick up the bum- do you think he felt fireworks with the ow? Sorry- but this needs to be put back into perspective. Cut all contact! Dont talk to him. Don't walk over to him. I know part of you is enjoying his attention. But you must fight it, your life depends on it.

#19 Jul 6 - 2PM (Reply to #17)

BadaBing

i need it

I think I got it

#20 Jul 5 - 7PM

ruby01 (not verified)

When I read your posts

I don't know if you leave the emotional parts out, but it seems like it's all a sexual attraction. He said he wanted to talk to you to gain some knowledge about where you stand, but I didn't see any reference to meaningful conversation when you were in the car with him? Did you just leave that part out? I hope I'm not being rude. xxx, Ruby

#21 Jul 5 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

BadaBing

no that part was in there b

no that part was in there b brief but it was spent speaking non verbally I guess I can't keep writting how much I have cried or the past post in which I describe how conficted I am Yes this is sexual attraction still to him

#22 Jul 5 - 9PM (Reply to #15)

TraumaMamma

Sugar

You're gonna cry after the sex, too. Isn't his following you around rather "stalker-ish?" Didn't you break up? Just sayin' ;) Love you! xoxoo Your friendly 911 operator.

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.' --Mary Anne Radmache

#23 Jul 5 - 8PM (Reply to #13)

ruby01 (not verified)

Okay

I know you have an emotional attachment to him. What I mean is I don't see his. Like it's just a physical attraction to you, which I realize is because he is a narc, but you deserve so much more. He knows you haven't closed the door on him and he def knows you haven't been with anyone else and he is going to stay right in your face if you let him because he can tell you are right on the edge of going back to him. He is going to turn up the heat. Please close the door and lock it. All he wants is sex. xxx, Ruby P.S. Notice how he is also starting a conflict between you and your family. He sucks!

#24 Jul 6 - 2PM (Reply to #14)

BadaBing

if I am honest

I will admit that I am sexually attracted to him so much because I was faithful to him and he was the only person that touched me. i am lonely and I think in withdrawl from him.I feel pulled to him. I don't want to give in at all. In these moments we have shared I just wish time could stop and be suspended so it be ok to have that at that time but not again. does that make sense? fuck I still love him

#25 Jul 5 - 6PM

Redhead1

Don't know what to say, but

Don't know what to say, but be strong! NCNCNC I start getting manipulated by him reading your story, you need to get away from him NOW! You are not strong enough yet! HUGS He is smooth.

#26 Jul 5 - 11PM (Reply to #2)

Done sourcing

Smooth????

Stalking you is a serious problem. I messed up more than once with my ex, and it always felt real crappy afterwards. You are so lucky to have your sister and her guy to support you. Please don't forget the couch, none of us have. Please don't forget he has major control issues, he went from stalking you to tru=ying to bed in in an hour. So sorry he is so bad for you, I can tell you are attracted still to him. Him telling you you will never find another love is such bullshit, thats his projection. Guarantee you he will turn last night around and cry that you teased him. He is a narc for sure Badabing, please take nc more seriously in the future, it is working great for me. ds

#27 Jul 6 - 1PM (Reply to #3)

BadaBing

all I can say

is maybe I need counseling I push that awful thought to the farthest part of my mind all the time I would rather not remember but something felt so good about being with him

#28 Jul 6 - 4PM (Reply to #4)

Done sourcing

Therapy is good for me

I have been in therapy since July of 2010, took a couple months off, and then went back when I discovered this site. This place opened some new pathways and avenues, and broadened my awareness. Feelings are feelings, and it is great that we can feel. Ug, cept when they hurt so bad. But they all fade, sometimes quickly but come back and leave over and over. What they don't do is kill us;. They just give us information to process. No problem that you still love him. That is fine. Nobody here is mad or angry with you for anything you have done. Just the opposite actually, I think we love you more. You are human, intellect and emotion all mixed into one. Spiritual as well. God's grace and love are powerful. I had a few nights over the last year where the exwn and I would get together and talk, and I wouldn't want it to end, I just wanted to live in that moment as if nothing bad had ever happened and everything would be ok if we just didn't call it a night. It wasn;t even sexual, it was a desire to go back to a time when I felt the relationship had staying power and merit. I just didn't yet know how to let go. Our child was a big factor in wanting it to work out as a couple also. During those fantasy visits, I would overlook the FACT that I didn't respect her any longer, and TRUST was gone, but during the pretending time I would ignore that as well. Ouch, it would hurt the next day waking up alone again, but I got to the point where even when we talked I knew in my heart that we would never be together again, but even then I still felt I loved her. I am sad for these narcs, they have to work so hard and manipulate so much and still will never be happy. Deep inside my exwn is a very hurt and bruised person, and I recognize that. I always knew it, and worked with it. Today I still know she is hurt, but it just isn't my problem anymore. Whe wants it to be , but there are consequences to peoples action here in the real world, and I live in the real world today, as opposed to her fantasy make believe bullshit world of chaos, lies, and deception.I am glad that I can feel all the emotions, and I am so grateful that in this incarnation I can be respected and trusted by others. That is huge. Doesn't mean I don't fall on my ass sometimes, lol. As you know I am a man, and I don't like your narc at all. I don't trust him, and I don't respect him. His goal is manipulation, conquest, in a word, subjugation. It is his nature, and he will not deviate, because he is disordered. His style is to get you to believe that you and he are special, and he knows he has you hooked physically. So what if he does. NC and it will never matter. You saw them on the couch, mine came to me in a parking outside her gym, different circumstances, but it changed EVERYTHING. Nothing has ever been the same, and it never will, and it certainly wouldn't ever ever get better by revisiting that prison again. I don't want to share in her misery any longer, and I don't have to! Now that is freedom, 100 percent. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to explain anything to him, He lost that priviledge when he cheated. You don't have to be logical. You don't have to treat him fair or right. You don't ever have to hate yourself for giving in to your temporary physical desire. You don't ever have to answer his call or text. He had his opportunity to be your one and only, and he fucked it up about as good a person can! (With his snake charming abilities and your temporary weakness and emptathy, I still think you got a gift when you caught him with her). He won't ever be able to lie his way out of that one. Ask yourself this...when he went home after the car and kissing incident on the 4th ...was he thinking "oh fuck yes I'm gonna get my true love back and make all her dreams come true becasue I am so fucking happy and I will be the best me I've ever been and I'll always remember how lucky I am to have gotten one more chance and we're gonna be happy, joyous, and free???"...or maybe was he thinking "I think shes gonna come back into my world where I rule and she obeys???" ...You know what I think! Good guys don't do the shit your disordered one did. no-contact-and-no-response-is-the-way-to-liberation Be Blessed Bada! ds

#29 Jul 6 - 6PM (Reply to #10)

BadaBing

not my choice

Thank you DS for your thoughtful and helpful sharings of your mind. I am in emotional overwhelm. I am writting this from my sofa surrounded in a blanket totally crying and sobbing. I can't tell you the heart ache I have put off feeling. After leaving my sister place 3 months ago I was able to cap the flow of pain I was feeling and I know that I am still hiding from dealing with 'it' directly. I ride a see-saw with him , up and down we go Nc and contact breaking up and second guessing real clarity and befuddled confusion not fun! I feel this intense pain inside me still and yet when I am with him I feel good feelings now and you described it so perfectly together and talk, and I wouldn't want it to end, I just wanted to live in that moment as if nothing bad had ever happened and everything would be ok if we just didn't call it a night. It wasn;t even sexual, it was a desire to go back to a time when I felt the relationship had staying power and merit. I just didn't yet know how to let go. ..because I believed our relationship did have staying power and I imagined one day marry this man. So even though you may not like him from my description I fell inlove with him. And what you point out about his possessing ways I have to tell you I went in with eyes open to that because he tempered those strong feelings as taking care of me, looking out for or knowing better for our betterment (Idk!) Such as, his view of 'his woman' I liked it! I like feeling like I was his and I belonged to him thinking I could trust him. He did take care of me and was kind to me he was not a mean Narc, he remembered my birthday up to the cheating those pictures reflected a pretty nice relationhship. I threw all those pictures away though. so there is my heart break. I sprained my ankle on a canoe trip about a mile from a station and he carried me the whole way and made sure I was okay. I protested I could limp and then said he would rest as long as I wasn't in pain. And it meant a lot to me because I really had to lean on him and I needed him heavily over the next 4 weeks healing and he was so caring the whole time. He did things often to take care of me and the flowers were a norm. I can say many good things about him and he just reminded me about those qualities that made me fall in love with him in the 1st place. He says he is not his mistake that his mistake doesn't make his bad as a whole. Given enough time I know that 2 things can happen I can fall out of love with him and I can fall back in love with him I really feel like both things are possible. And when I try to look into the future with my gut he isn't there. He is no where in my gut I feel it's over and I am so sad. I am almost prolonging the evitable, my relationship has already failed and this is already over and I have yet to accept this, so I play kissy face and spend time with him and linger prolonging his departure. I don't like being in the apartment alone. i am having some people over this weekend to warm it up. I haven't havd anyone over yet. I need to get back to baking it always cheers me up and my coworkers love it. thanks for listening DS

#30 Jul 6 - 4PM (Reply to #5)

Journey

Well said DS!

I love the fact that you are a man with an empathetic and understanding man's perspective... it helps a lot to know there ARE men in the world that can care so much as you obviously do. Great advice given to BadaBing and your description of your 'pretend' meetings with your ex were right on! That is how I have felt with mine on the rare occasions I've had these 'pretend' exchanges of supposed friendship. Once we truly see beyond their mask, it is impossible to trust their false self again as we once did.

Journey on...

#31 Jul 6 - 6PM (Reply to #6)

BadaBing

playing pretend

When I was in the car with him I went back in my mind the a 1000 car rides that I had with him and how we were -- 'the way we were' I can remember a 1000 times he made me laugh and then this one memory just wipes out all the rest. That memory is like a tornado. I have been giving into small doses on temptation of my own --am I somehow staying connected to him in a sexual passionate way ? in order to prevent him from wanting some one else by keeping his attention on me since I'm having a hard time letting go of our sexual relationship? ideas like IF I go out with another guy it would also cause him to stay connected via anger and aggression to me for going out with another guy in return he would immediatley go and and most likes sleep with another woman DS doesn't like him because I have described him in his asshole ways, but there is another side that many other people do like...boy there I go again , defending him.. writtting here is my therapy and thanks for helping I go away from the board last week and I need to stick closer.

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