Take it from me this is a little like playing Russian Roulette, this time you may not be so lucky, you may get the bullet. I do undestand the temptation though, but I think you think you can play him at his own game and I doubt that.
Let me put it this way, do you seriously think you could beat the Williams sisters at tennis? thats the chance you are playing with here.
Seriously, ask yourself why you are playing with fire. I can attest that even after not seeing the N for a long period of time, feeling like I knew exactly what I was getting into, when I saw Mr. N, it's like none of that mattered. I was back to being at square one. Took me a good 2 weeks to get back on path to recovery.
What exactly are you trying to get out of letting him back in?
Katie
I did the same thing. I enjoyed the power I had even if it was only for awhile. I thought I was in control for a time but before I knew it I was sucked in again and everytime I get sucked in its worse than the time before.
I guess for me now that I look back I wasnt emotionally detached from him for if I was, I would have no need to manipulate him. I think deep down inside if Im being honest with myself, I just wanted him to behave to have an epiphany. I wanted him to want me and they will and I enjoyed the attention and I got addicted all over again.
Just my experience.
I realize the potential for another heartbreak here
Yes, believe me. If I was reading this post from someone else, I would feel the same way and issue severe warnings. I've been NC with the N so many times over the years. Always before, I didn't have an understanding of his disorder. I've always known that something was "off" with him but didn't know exactly what. NC was just a period of torture as I waited and hoped to just get him back and put things right.
The thing is - when I've been NC, I forget the bad and remember the good and then start to second-guess my decision to leave the relationship. Of course then I'm the perfect target for hoovering. The cognitive dissonance was always worse when not around him. It was too easy to idealize versus getting real. Being around him now is a heavy dose of "getting real".
This is not for his benefit in the least. I'm doing this totally for myself. With everything he now says and does, I feel myself pulling away a little more. Even the "good things" that are intentional hoovering techniques to make me believe he cares are repelling me.
Even though I understand and agree with the reasons for NC, I just feel compelled to go through this last contact phase to get myself truly ready for NC. I've even compared this to a withdrawal from a substance addiction. That maybe a drug-addict would tell herself that she could just "ween" herself off the drug before going "coldturkey". I don't look at this as weening but more of a "seeing for myself" experiment.
ANd the most surprising thing to me now is that I really don't care the way I used to. So many things have happened that would have had me in a heap, crying my eyes out and feeling so confused. Now my reaction is analytical and I just back away. But I am now questioning the purpose for any contact at all. There is no future here with this man. And I really do see the wolf under the sheep's clothing - for the first time ever.
I broke my foot and ankle on Labor Day and have been castless and crutchless for two weeks now. My foot is healing a little bit more each day and walking on it becomes easier each day as well. Still a little pain and stiffness but I know that when I feel that pain, it's coming from using the foot and is actually helping it to heal.
I sort of liken that to the N experiment. The interactions I'm having with him can be painful still. But the pain is completely different now. It's not the gut-wrenching pain that I used to feel before my narc-awareness. It's just a heartache from the loss of a dream. I think that this last phase of contact with him has snapped me out of my little dream-state of what I was wishing would be instead of what truly IS.
I hope it works out for you. I just remember feeling exactly as you do. It was kinda of fun expirement to watch them react in a way that was pre calculated. It was so amusing. I knew what he was. I had no doubt in my mind. None. I said to myself I just want to mess with his mind a little and at the same time get more confirmation that he is what he is. I felt in complete control. I was not.
He slowly, I mean slowly started to take back control so slow that I didnt even notice. He fed me my drug in tiny doses and wham I was addicted again. These men are master manipulators in a league all of their own. This kind of thing doesnt come natural for us thats why we suck at it and they always win. Its their natural ability and we dont have it thank God.
Very few people get the closure you speak of. I am not saying its impossible but I would say very few do. I got closure from round one when I met my husband and he called me before my wedding asking to have dinner and I said I dont think thats a good idea.
I hope it works better for you than it did for me. Just be very very careful. Hope you leg gets better soon!
What is your motivation for this? Do you want to make him fall for you so you can dump him and hurt him? Do you think if you take things slow enough that he will change and you two will live happily ever after? I too tried that, gave him space and told myself I wasn't emotionally involved. I was lying to myself.
First, you can't outcon a con. He has been doing this his entire life, and manipulation and control are part of his makeup. This is a slippery slope you are headed down, and I can almost guarantee it will not end well for you.
Second, you are still giving him supply. He is still getting whatever it is he wants from you. So he is still winning. And like Sick of It said they are very patient . . . He will wait and wait and wait until you really start to believe again that he has changed and things can be different now. Then, as the saying goes, hold onto your butt. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and when it is all said and done you will be worse off than you were the last time and you will place more of the blame on yourself for falling for his crap once again. And trust me, this is the hardest part to get past. Your self-blame.
Don't play this game. You are trying to beat Lebron James at basketball, Peyton Manning at football, or Carrie Underwood at singing. You are simply an amateur, where he is a pro. And while this is a good thing for you in this particular situation (that you have emotions), you will not win. And it will be ugly.
I am living proof of this scenario and it played out exactly this way. The day you realize that you have once again lost your power well all I can say is you go to a dark dark place.
Terri I tried this very thing and it turned out that I ended up in a dark dark place with his grip over my mind and body tighter than it had ever been before.
I don't know if you have been following my posts but my health is really beginning to suffer. I never had this happen before. Everytime I try to play a mind game with him I open my mind up to him to spew his poision and it is now surfacing all over my body
The fact that you posted this tells me that something about this makes you uneasy. I'm not judging in anyway. I'm the last person to be judging anyone. I have broken every rule in the recovery playbook and it has not turned out well for me. Just concerned for you is all. I truly hope it works for you as planned. It just didn't for me.
How do you think I know just how she'll fee when it's all said and done? Been there done that.
I really hope you get feeling better, Sick of it. Stress affects your body in such weird ways, ways that you would never imagine.
Look hun, I did this myself, and yes it is a dangerous game if you don't know what you are doing. For several reasons, I can't explain myself on a public forum. New Forum will be private so I will do it then. Anyway, can we speak offline? You can get my email from the moderators if you like.
Much of it I agree with an some of it I'm quite surprised by. I can assure everyone that I'm treading very carefully here and just trying to find some answers that I desperately need in order to move on in peace and confidence. We all have the responsibility to search our hearts and minds for what is truly right for ourselves.
I can also assure you all that I AM NOT doing this out of any desire for revenge or getting even. I'm actually no longer in an angry state of mind. I'm doing nothing that is hurtful or dishonest toward the N. Whether I continue to interact with him or finally go completely NC will be decided COMPLETELY on the merit of what is best or me - not him!
I do appreciate the many responses and will continue to follow up. Don't worry, the N contact is minimal and I'm doing great.
Take it from me this is a
What do you want from him?
Careful
I realize the potential for another heartbreak here
Believe in yourself!
Terri
Terri
Terri,
yes ms vulcan
Sick of it
terri
Nevergoback
Teri and Nancy M
almostlydia
Interesting feedback from everyone!
Believe in yourself!
Terri
reposted above