An experiment

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#1 Nov 20 - 12AM

terri

An experiment

OK, I'm doing something that I know is both dangerous (to an extent) as well as necessary for closure. I'm treading lightly but feel compelled to continue on with what I feel is an experimental method of getting closure. I know there are certain members of this forum who are going to slap my little wrists for this but I'm already in the middle of it.

After a couple of months of NC, I allowed myself to get hoovered by the exN and this has been continuing at a much slower pace than in the past. I can look back over the last 9 years and see how this has played out so many times before and this time is extremely different - mainly because I now have the power of knowledge. The N's tactic this time is to want to maintain a "friendship" for the purpose of seeing if we can "get along" enough to move back into a more committed relationship as before. I know that if I opt to go NC again, instead of playing along in this, the drama will only get worse.

So for now, I'm playing along - carefully. I'm not fighting the "friendship" tactic but rather am agreeing that we need to see if we can get along. HA! Of course we won't be able to get along because he won't allow it. But it's very entertaining to have complete emotional control when he's trying so hard to push my buttons. It's quite easy now to just sit and not react the way I used to but in a totally opposite way - calm and indifferent. He's baffled. It's fun to watch him as he regroups and pulls new tricks out of his bag.

And, the best part, is that I'm feeling more and more closure with each passing day. In some way, I feel like I am taking back the control of myself that I feel he completely took from me during the last 9 years. I don't know how long I'll keep this up. My attachment has diminished so much since being on this board. I'm already feeling the train pulling slowly out of Narcville. I think the train probably came into Narcville from the beautiful posh side where everything is new and shiny and I thought it was going to be a great place to spend the rest of my life. Now I see, as we're leaving Narcville, that we're going through the grimy industrial section and the slums, which when I think about it, was most of what I saw while living here for the last 9 years. I'm not completely out of city limits yet though.

I'll keep you posted.

#2 Nov 22 - 1PM

michele115 (not verified)

From what I've observed

The reason why NC is recommended is because these Narcs are such smooth operators - or for a better description such masters at manipulation that regardless of what you think - they're still playing you. It's a game you can't really win although I presume if one is totally detached, it might not have such an effect; however, I then question how detached one is for the true definition of indifference is not caring at all... Which leads to the fact that a friendship on any level is also something one does not care for. Engagement is engagement, contact is contatct, supply is supply. If it works for you as you say it does, I've got nothing to say about your choice; however, it does seem like a waste of time - he really doesn't care but he's still getting something from you that you're still giving. It all still comes down to you - you have the control and you have the upper hand. When you're ready, you'll go NC plain and simple.

#3 Nov 22 - 12PM

terri

let me clarify!!

I am no longer in a relationship with the N nor am I trying to re-enter a relationship with the N!! I am not even initiating contact with the N. But when the N has contacted me - I have had conversations with him. Not many - nor or they long. And as a result of this "experiment" they are no longer upsetting to me. I think the original post that opened this enormous can of worms may have misled the group. I am simply NOT going to such great lengths to avoid contact. And guess what! Because of that, everything has calmed down. Interestingly enough, I think the underlying message and intent in what I'm doing is to reach a point of NC that finally works for me. I'm all for NC! But as I said in a previous post, doing it in the emotional way that I've done it before has ABSOLUTELY NOT WORKED FOR ME! It's a though doing it that way created a situation that made me focus more on that state of being instead of it just happening "organically". When I get to NC, and it looks like that will be much sooner than even I first thought, it will not be such a difficult process of moving on. I am very sorry that this created the maelstrom that it did! This will be my last comment on the matter as I don't want to appear to be going against the grain of this forum and it's philosophy. Again, I appreciate everyone's concern and good advice.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#4 Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #41)

Briseis

Terri

This topic creates a maelstrom because it is commonly put forth as an "alternate" way to deal with the Narc. Everyone wants an alternative to NC, or a "transition point" where we don't have to face the fear of cutting him off for good. The admin staff on this forum promote NC the way we do for very good reasons, based on experience. To boot, we've seen people insist upon "alternatives" at least two million times and INEVITABLY it is toxic to the member. Inevitably. No way in hell am I going to endorse you putting yourSELF in the Narc's line of fire. Ever. And I don't want that message to be communicated to all the new ladies and folks who have yet to join or post. You are accepted and loved, Terri. This is not about YOU as a person. This is about the dangerousness of your idea. You are free to do as you please, and no one here will tell you otherwise. But no one here is going to endorse your "experiment" for reasons already said in a hundred different ways. For your sake, and the sake of the whole community. Yes, it is really THAT important, hon. We are loyal to YOU. Our loyalty to your choices and decisions . . . if they are dangerous to you, I am not going to mince words or split hairs. I care too much about what happens to your heart and soul.

#5 Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #37)

betty2020

Please do not take offense

Please do not take offense to the view points of others here. This is a good topic and one worth exploring as it affects all of us in recovery. You bring valid points to the table and in no way is this being denounced. But this is a huge topic for us and because of that we have to look at it from the ground up. Part of this is picking it apart and dissecting all the underlying motivations for remaining in contact and from their determining if this is in the best interest for us. If you have found solace in limited contact then we need to understand how this is achieved. Again it requires us to dissect and look at every aspect of it but it is no way an attack on you my dear. No contact is like dealing with a death of massive proportions. It is painful and hurts like hell. It was the worse experience of my life and I will never sugar coat it. But I look at this in hindsight now, and I know for me personally, any contact I have will keep me symptomatic whether i want to believe this or deny. I can not imagine how to turn off my emotions as they are still being manipulated and toyed with. I dont have this type of power and I thank god today that I dont have to try. If it gives you closure to see and witness Narc destruction in action then this is a different topic luv. But im not sure if that is what you are experiencing or not. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#6 Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #38)

gettinbetter

yes a death

I am really struggling with this today. I started today off strong. I don't feel drained like he's tapping into me but I feel grief deep grief I'm sitting in my office just wanting to cry my eyes out. I feel like my limbs have been cut off. Dear lord I just need this to stop. How can I still feel like this when I have been herer 12 weeks and not spoken to him in a month and a half

#7 Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #39)

betty2020

The stages and process of

The stages and process of grief we go through are exactly the same as grieving death. I know the pain is unbearable and carries no time limit as to how long we have to endure the pain. But this is the time that can be so very dangerous to us and we look for ways to relive the pain we can look at contact as a means to the relief. As we know we have now started the process of grieving all over again if we do this. My heart breaks for you sick of it. I feel every bit of what your going through just like the days i was living it myself. All I wanted was relief and I searched and search for this in everything i could try. Drinking, other relationships, men etc... but it didnt stop it. (not saying your doing this luv, i did) It was time, facing the reality that it was over and final, dealing with my fears and pain one on one as they cropped up and the loving support from those who understood where i have been. It will come for you and you will survive this horrible nightmare. If you need more help than what you are getting dont be afraid to seek this out. We are all here to help get you to the otherside. Lots of love your way today. xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#8 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #40)

gettinbetter

Thank you Betty

When I began to read this I had to run down the hall to the ladies room and cry. Thank you for your kind words. I just feel so pathetic at times but I do notice small bits of improvement. Normally I would have txtd him but I did not and have regained my composure. I really feel like I'm doing the army crawl back to the land of the living. This quite possibly is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me in my life enotionally speaking

#9 Nov 22 - 11AM

ShaynasMommy

ok,

"...But I am now questioning the purpose for any contact at all. There is no future here with this man. And I really do see the wolf under the sheep's clothing - for the first time ever." Well, that's a good place to be. I do hope you come to the point soon that you are absolutely 100% sure of what he is and just ditch him. I've always maintained that NC is THE BEST way to do this for 2 reasons: one, because Narc's only get mixed signals from further contact when you attempt to "mess with their minds" and it will only be more difficult to get rid of them when you are done, two- life is to damn short to be wasting it with a douchebag narc in ANY capacity...seriously, I hate to sound morbid but any of us could die tomorrow and our lives are better spent focusing on ourselves and the ones who truly love us. Well, there's tree resons actually. His Royal Douchiness is so low he doesn't deserve M'Lady's presence, period. Your'e too good to hang out with scum like that, aren't you? I suppose everyone has to find their own way, but, my advice for what it's worth is NC is the only way to fully get through this. Its the only thing that speaks volumes to the narc, and in my experience, the closest you will ever come to any kind of closure. I know that sounds funny that abrupt NC would be closure, but It sends the only message the Narc will ever understand, its the only "F-U!" they will ever understand, and its the only method of getting your personal power back that will ever work in this case. Anything else is uneccesary drama and will only bring you down to their level, I'm afraid. Don't stoop to his level, friend. Let his little Narc groupies do that. They all got 'em.

#10 Nov 21 - 6PM

stillsinging

good on you terri

somewhere else on these boards there is what I thought was an inspirational story from someone who saw the narc pattern and played him as she gradually lost interest. she said she made him 'perform' for her. obviously she was a fish out of water on here.

#11 Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #34)

Briseis

I guess that story would be

I guess that story would be inspirational if you don't mind behaving just LIKE a Narc. I don't think playing a person, even if they are a Narc, is a dignified or ethical thing to do. To do so, you lower yourself down to their level. How many times did I play my Narc? Oh about a million trillion bazillion. Was I good at it? Pretty good. Did I gloat and enjoy seeing him victimized by ME? Some. But mostly not. The last thing I want to do or BE is like HIM. Even to hurt him back.

#12 Nov 22 - 1PM (Reply to #33)

betty2020

For those of us that have

For those of us that have experienced the true wrath of the disordered and came to a clear understanding of the dangers of what we are dealing with, playing with them is not a place we care to go. Running from them is more like it. I have no desire to share my breathing space, break bread or go head to head with Hannibal Lecter. I will save that for Clarice Starling. It is way out of my league. Yes, a fish out of water is a good way to look at it. only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

#13 Nov 21 - 7PM (Reply to #32)

gettinbetter

possibly

but as I said on one of my posts, I think they are few and far between. I tried this and yes for a while it worked, and then well it didnt anymore and once again I found myself addicted in a dark dark place putting up with more abuse. I hope it does work for Terri for none of us would want to see her suffer. I have suffered but its been of my own doing. I have no one to blame but myself for thinking I could go up against an olympic champion of manipulation. I believe she has nine years invested in this man. Thats along time. I had 7 years. Six of them consecutive and then a 15 year break then the is last year. In fact I think it was my wanting to reclaim those 6 years that led me down this horrific road. Well I didnt get them in fact I lost another one and this last one was the worst yet for every you get mixed back up with them its worse than the last. Gosh Terri prayers are going out to ya. Hope you make the right decision whatever that is.

#14 Nov 21 - 5PM

baddream

Leaving Narcville?

Terri, You might think you are in control, but you need to look at this situation without rose colored glasses and ask yourself why are you really doing this? I remember after period of NC, and then swinging back into a "friendship" with my ex-N feeling just like you do. There comes a certain amount of "relief" having the N back in your life, even as friends, and you think you are in control because you feel like you have the upper hand. Do not be fooled! You may not realize it, but after your relationship with N you are just as addicted to "N", as he was to your supply. You feel better, because the contact you have with him is giving you a "fix"-- You may not even be aware of it, and be sure, if he is N, he will be manipulating you again in no time at all. There is only way to leave "Narcville" for good, and that is absolute NC... forever.

#15 Nov 21 - 1PM

Briseis

Hey Terri

NC is pushed as an absolute around here so heavily because it is the SUREST way to prevent further harm from the Narc. It is clear that Narcs have a depth of corruption that will inevitably cause pain and misery to whomever is engaged with them. You and I, as normal people, have natural "stops" in what we allow ourselves to do, think and feel, because we have a decent respect for other people. Narcs don't have those natural stops. Which is why they continually surprise us. They speak to us in ways that go beneath the surface and raise hell deep inside. They get under our skin and we don't even REALIZE it. Because we are normal, we are kind of helpless. This is why the best practise is to have NO contact with them if at all possible. If you lie down with dogs, you will get fleas. No one here will endorse what you plan to do for these simple reasons. We will warn you away, and try and get at that logic that makes this seem like a good idea to you. Also, those of us with a bit more NC beneath our belts see so clearly that ANY contact is unnecessary to get where you are going. It's like there is a path through the dark forest, and those of us who've gone before have strung up lights and posted warnings so that those coming behind us will have the benefit of how we learned from our mistakes. Pounding on the drum of No Contact is just STRONGLY encouraging people to take that already well trodden, safer path because we care. We don't want you to suffer unnecessarily. You've already suffered enough. Why open yourself up to more potential suffering when you do not have to? Still folks will want to do it "their way", and blaze their own trail through the forest. It's not a sin :D . It's just not necessary to get out of the forest. And in my experience -- as a DAILY communicant to forums like this for the last 3 and a half years, folks who seek to blaze their OWN trail are doing three typical things. One, they are afraid of the consequences/backlash from the Narc that NC will bring, so they acquiesce to Narc, while telling themselves and everyone listening that is NOT what they are doing, they are just doing it their own way. Two, they are not willing to let go of the Narc quite yet, but feel pressure from others to let go, know in their heads if NOT their hearts that they need to go NC, but tell themselves and everyone listening that they are just doing it "their own way". Three (and most rarely) they are intent upon wreaking revenge upon the Narc. They seek to concretely take back their power, as if the Narc ever truly HAD it, by doing to him what they perceive the Narc having done to them. Some take it to extremes and execute blatant revenge, but most try and manipulate the Narc psychologically. Either way, this person is doing to the Narc what was done to them, and gets COVERED with fleas, and lowers themselves down to Narc behavior . . . while telling themselves and everyone around them that is NOT what they are doing, they are just doing it in "their own way". All three "my own way" scenarios have ONE common denominator. Denial. When you are in denial, you can't see that you are, but no one else is fooled. That's how denial works. It only puts YOU into denial, but everyone else sees clearly. It is a red flag for US, as survivors of Narcs, when we insist upon blazing our own trail. It is the red flag of DENIAL waving in the air. When YOU are standing alone and the rest of your community is standing somewhere else, you have to question yourself. You are not bad or stupid for insisting upon doing it "your own way". You will not be shunned from the community :D . You are still very much loved and accepted. But we ain't gonna agree to the bullshit. For your sake. Because we are your friends. That's what friends are for.

#16 Nov 21 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

almostlydia

I would agree in general

I would agree in general terms because it is necessary to get the distance that is afforded by NC in order to reach a place of clarity. But the fact I most highly disagree on is that we are somehow in denial or whatever. This is a fairly righteous opinion. You don't know me. So how can you even conclude this. I can counter it completely. We have to find the path that best works for us in order to reach NC that is permanent and forever. How many women here do I have to keep hearing from that have tried and tried to do the NC thing because this is what you say is necessary, when they have not reached the point when it was what they want more than anything else. Just because we say it is so, does not make it possible. It is like the alcoholic whose family says you must stop drinking but he himself has not reached this point of truly needing to give it up. And what happens???? Failure after failure. I agree completely with a post from long ago that says we each have to reach our point of wanting and being ready and then we can succeed. If you would like to argue this point I will be glad to argue it with you off the board. NC is the ultimate solution. We can all agree on that. How we are most successful as accomplishing that is a personal thing that can not be dictated by a bunch of rules. almostlydia

almostlydia

#17 Nov 21 - 9PM (Reply to #24)

almostlydia

http://narcissism-support.blo

http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com/2009/01/loving-narcissists-and-myth-of-no.html almostlydia

almostlydia

#18 Nov 22 - 9AM (Reply to #29)

admin

I need to speak up on this

I need to speak up on this issue regarding denial. There is a point in the process of our relationship that denial can become a factor. While we are still active in the relationship and prior to gaining knowledge and understanding of what we are involved in we are not in denial. You can not turn a blind eye and refuse to acknowledge the truth when you have never been exposed and have no knowledge of it. Most if not all that come to us here on AAH have never researched NPD nor PDs as a whole. They are trying to make sense out of a horrific nightmare that they have or are currently going through. They find us or associate content on the web and it is the beginning of an awakening for them. Now, can they waver on believing the person they are with is truly a narcissist or PD? Absolutely. I know i did and it took me months before I fully accepted it and all of what this illness encompasses. I still loved the man i was with. I didnt want to face the fact that this disorder is not curable, not workable and toxic to my existence and therefore the only solution is ending the relationship. I wanted to have hope. This is a normal and natural response as a human. We all want to fix it and have back what we once had. All of us. Now this is where it gets tricky. After we have come to this realization of NPD and after we have done our research and analyzed our personal situation and after we have come to accept that this person is in fact PD, We must hold ourselves accountable for our decisions that we choose to make from this point forward. This is the crossroad for us. This is the point that we begin to shift our focus from victim to survivor. When we refuse to take on our role and how we can play a part in the Narcs world after we are fully aware of what we are involved in then we will never heal nor will we move to a healthy state in recovery. We can not blame ourselves for what we went through at the hands of the Narcissist. But for us to continue to put ourselves in a situation that is obviously abusive and toxic, this is living in denial and we must address this. We can look for endless excuses to remain in this relationship with the abuser. If I were to write a book on this alone it would be the size of the bible. But at the end of the day we still have to face the reality that living and co habituating with a Narcissist is impossible, unhealthy and will destroy us. Because there is no cure, no hope and no help we only have one solution to fix the problem. No Contact. It is permanent and forever. Keeping one foot in the door for a ray of hope in getting back what you once had or looking for an easy way to leave the abuser is the same as a full plunge both feet first into Narcville. Cannonball style. Their crazy making behavior will continue to plague you. You will continue to obsess, suffer cognitive dissonance and be full blown in with the symptoms of NVS. For any of us to consider that we have an option B and we can ease our way out or develop a better way of obtaining ultimate NC is absurd. There is no right or wrong way of going NC. No easy or hard way of doing this. It is hard period. And you will have pain, you will suffer and you will have to go through each and every stage that we all have had to experience that have went NC. This is the hard cold facts. But you have to ask yourself two very important questions, "Is this pain worth it in knowing that eventually I will get to the other side and be painfree forever?" "Is the pain that I am enduring at the hands of the Narcissist one that i am willing and capable of living with the rest of my life?". Once you can answer these questions then you will know the decision you will have to make. Now, the question remains, "will I act upon what I know i must do or continue to make excuses and deny my own reality". We lived in Narcville without choices or a voice but when we leave this world our voices ring loud and we are left with nothing but choices. Initially we may be temporarily frozen and paralyzed with fear at our new surroundings but the only way to move forward is by accepting our reality for what it really was/is, exercising our right to choice and taking action. We call it "Getting Real" and their is much more to come on this topic. Lots of Love Betty

#19 Nov 21 - 10PM (Reply to #26)

terri

almostlydia - thanks so much for posting this link!

This describes my feelings and reasoning behind my recent decision toward contact with the exN - better than I ever could have articulated myself. I know that over 9 years, I've gone NC at least 5 times, varying in length from several weeks to a few months. Each time, the NC was precipitated by an emotional episode after something upsetting had happened, or not happened. NC would always happen as an emotional reaction, never calmly, confidently and carefully considered. After the emotions would calm, the doubts would start - and the questioning. Then of course when the hoovering would happen, and it always would, I'd be primed for going back in and doing it all again. I imagine we've all been there at one time or another. What's the difference between all the other times and this time? An accumulation of knowledge about narcissism. It's taken several months to research, read, talk, and observe. Clinically, it's easy pretty to understand. But when you're the victim of this disorder, thinking clinically about it takes a back seat to sorting through the confusion and "cognitive dissonance" and recovering from the pain that ensues. Just let me reiterate that I have all the respect in the world for the NC policy on this board and for everyone on it as well. I don't think I'm in denial at all about my situation. In fact, I think for the first time in nine years, I'm more realistic about this relationship than I've ever been before.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#20 Nov 22 - 1AM (Reply to #27)

almostlydia

Terri

the question you have to ask yourself is why do you need to contact him? You know there will be no human conversation of rational thoughts and feelings towards getting any closure. So why? Dig very deep for this answer. I can't tell from your post so i can't say much more except what NancyM said, it is dangerous unless you know what you are doing. almostlydia

almostlydia

#21 Nov 22 - 2PM (Reply to #28)

Briseis

Invicta's article

I love that article, personally, have seen it posted here a long time ago, and then posted it myself in September, I think. Invicta describes a path toward NC, and illustrates the deeper mechanisms that come into play. She says they cannot be forced. She is right. Just because something can't be forced does not mean it cannot be EXAMINED. And held up to the light of truth. She means we ought not to beat ourselves up over our resistance to finally going No Contact, which I wholeheartedly agree with. But she does not say, anywhere in that article, that it is OK to rest on your laurels when you decide NC is just too painful or frightening. Terri, it is a good article, I relate with everything she says. Just make sure you do not spin what she says into PERMISSION to avoid NC. That it is somehow "OK". That's not what she is saying. Keep your eyes open, EXAMINE yourself, do NOT beat yourself up, and be willing to see another point of view than your own.

#22 Nov 21 - 9PM (Reply to #25)

gettinbetter

i guess

it all comes down to do you want to take off the bandage slowly or do you just want rip it off and endure a period of excuriating pain but only for a minute or two or do you want a smaller dose of pain but for a longer period of time. Either way the bandage is coming off. I guess its just personal preference. If your NC just because someone said its in the playbook. It wont work. Ive tried. It has to come from I have had a enough where either your physical or emotional health have left you in despair. It definitely has to come from within. Trust me I suck at NC but finally I have had enough I cant live this Unhealthy way any longer. I cant allow someone to have this kind of control over my mind. This has truly scared the shit out of me that this man could literally take over my mind.

#23 Nov 21 - 3PM (Reply to #21)

terri

Thanks Briseis

I heard you and understand your message. I'll be in touch and I'm always around on the board. Also, I do appreciate everyone's words of advice. I'm taking it all in and trying to figure it all out. Love you all!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#24 Nov 22 - 12PM (Reply to #22)

blueeyes

Terri

You said "I'm taking it all in and trying to figure it all out." THAT IS AWESOME! That is a great place to start. Kepp going and read up on him. It may get you to the point where your repulsed by him. If you keep moving towards the NC goal and educated on how sick he is you won't want to see his number come up on your phone again. You will press the FU button. Good luck w successful NC.

#25 Nov 20 - 7PM

Disillusionedx2

If this is what you believe to justify your actions then...

Nothing anyone is saying to you is getting through, this is not a game, its real life, why would you want to play with person’s feelings, lie and deceive? Isn't that the reason we are all here? Toying with ones emotions, N or otherwise is inhumane no matter how you slice it, two wrongs do not make a right. You're in an unhealthy position, really, it's disturbing to know that in your quest to obtain closure you're willing to hurt another human being. Your sense of control is false, it's all a part of the "brain wash" one day before you know it, the tables will turn and you will be right back where you started, as the ladies have said, these guys have been living the N life all of their life, they can do this in their sleep. There is no tactic this is a way of life for them, the tactic=seeking supply, period. If you opt to go NC, that is what will be, no drama can play out unless you allow it to, you're not done with him, if you were you would endure what comes with complete NC and not be concerned about closure, we all know there is no closure with an N, and there are no exceptions. stay~striving

stay~strong

#26 Nov 20 - 6PM

almostlydia

Teri

I appreciate exactly what you are saying. Everyone needs to make their own exit plan as to what works for them and how strong they really are, not just think they are. It took me 4 yrs to disentangle from the N having no idea of what I know now. I knew what power I had in the end and I used it as ruthlessly as I possibly could. Would I rather have that 4 or 5 yrs back by knowing to go NC and end this nightmare now, yes I would. But since I did not get to have that, and I knew I was as done as I could ever be with this N, what was a month added on to a 5 yr sentence in order to inflict a little damage. I am reluctant to even say more, because, Please ladies do not tell me the error of my ways. I am extremely well aware of how it all works. The consequences were no longer that high for me because of all that had passed. It was done as soon as the man was having OM's instead of OW's. There has been no contact between us for months now because nothing is necessary. All I did was leave with a bang instead of a whimper because I figured after ten years of this sh*t, I deserved it. almostlydia

almostlydia

#27 Nov 20 - 6PM

truthseeker

terri

I agree with darkspark. Your not done till your done. Everday that I am filled with anger, I log onto this site. Everday that I even slightly consider letting him have it , I get on this site. Every lapse in judgement that I possibly would have acted on is stopped dead in its tracks. How? By getting on here daily and reading the strength of others with more time under their belt than me like Briesis and Betty. Reading the pain of those who have broken Nc is also enough to keep me NC. We can rationalize and justify any action. You are playing chess with a demon straight of hell.he's waiting on your next move. Just like a junkie may dillude themselves into thinking, it won't happen to me. Or it hasn't happened to me. YET. Communicating with him because yu now have an understanding of how he operates is like saying I used to have a drinking problem but now I only drink on the weekend.that journey out of the grey grimy city limits may have barricades unforseen that are impassable.

#28 Nov 20 - 6PM

onwithmylife

You are not done with him

otherwise you would not be playing"games", like Shaynas mommy said the best revenge is really no contact because they have no supply at all to feed off of. I know that each letter i sent him, the letter from him came back more hateful than the first, if that is possible, now he can drown from lack of attention and supply...........heheheh

#29 Nov 20 - 5PM

darkspark

these ladies are correct

Everything that has been said so far is 100% true. The reason we hang on and try to 'ween off' them rather than cut the cord is because we aren't ready to give up the drama. I've done it. I've watched lots of other people do it. Thing is, until you, me or anyone else is ready to cut the cord, we will find justifications for why we don't. It's something you just have to understand for yourself. I've seen it so many times on this board. Resist, resist, resist, until some thing happens that wakes you (or me or them) up. And then it's inspired - the getting it. An analogy that works for me is smoking. I tried and tried to quit for years. Never did work for me unless I really 100% wanted to quit. Then some THING would come along, some stress or bother that would make me think 'I just want ONE cigarette'. Then I'd try to bargain with myself, that I was just going to have 1 or 2, then I'd be quit again. Usually I would find myself ultimately being a full time smoker again, wondering how I ended up back where I started. For 15 years, I would quit - sometimes for years at a time. Then one bad day would come around, and usually I'd find myself back in the habit. It's the same for ciggies, booze, drugs and narcs. When you're done you're done. Until then, you're not. We are adults here, we can make our own decisions. We live the consequences of our actions. But any ex-smoker, alcoholic, drug addict or narc survivor will tell you that as long as you still indulge the beast you remain on the brink of falling back into the abyss. It's not a 'wrist slap'. It's the truth. When you want to be done, then you will be done.

#30 Nov 20 - 8AM

Used

terri

you are on dangerous ground, you cant win ,i went back [in the end] 4 times with the express reason to hurt him , i made him feel so special then d/d him..he came back again, i done the same special thing again then d/d him again and the third time i done it all again, but thats when i relized he would put up with anything i said or done or treated him..b/c in his head no matter what i was doing....in his head i was still with him, i was still giving him supply, and he was still winning. the 4th time i d/d him, it was for good, b/c when i was with him was it worth it? NO IT WASENT...all that said to him i still had feelings for him or i wouldnt bother doing it..i am 13mnths out now..and i look back and think what was i doing...not to him..BUT MY SELF, i hated even beign with him but there i stayed for what, to get home and feel so depressed while he walked[yet again] with a swagger!!!!!.. he was back with me ,my motives didnt matter one iota to him just so long as i was with him and he was seen with me...please think this over terri, not for him, but for your self and your well beign......usedPS i am having a bad time ,and have been for a while thats why i havent posted, but as bad as i feel ,it wasent ever as bad as i felt when i was with this emotional vampire, and today that means so much to me, it is keeping me going and has been for nearly 2 weeks... i kept saying to my self as low as i feel and depressed, its still better than being with him....good luckxx

#31 Nov 20 - 10AM (Reply to #14)

desprathousewife

I totally agree with used

You are still giving him supply and ultimately you will be the only one that get's hurt. It isn't worth it Terri :( Complete NC is the only thing that ultimately works and you're cutting them off is the biggest form of revenge!

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