Ex N Never Contacting You

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#1 May 1 - 11AM

hitandrun

Ex N Never Contacting You

I am reading all these stories about Ex N's attempting all this contact...letters, calls, texts, emails , showing up.
But that has not been my experience at all.

Mine was complete erasure. No contact. No response NADA.
We emailed back and forth a bit about legal stuff and had one phone call after he dumped me. That is it. He responded to nothing after I called him and left a not so nice message about him not sending the money as promised.

Has anyone experienced this?

#2 May 13 - 3PM

GhostBuster

I do so love the M-jokes

When I was with N and we were engaged and he was preparing to move into MY house, he was freaking out about wanting me to finish my unfinished basement so it could be his office (an escape where he could masturbate near a computer)when he returned from the middle east. Poor thing, had no place to wank off in my small house. Anyway, early this year, my pipes began leaking enmasse and flooded my (still) unfinished basement and I called my handyman cousin to come assess the situation. When he came through the door, I informed his that the "masturbatorium" had flooded. He and I laughed soooooooo hard. And I kept thinking as the repairs were underway how angry N would have been to come home from the middle east to find his newly finished masturbatorium ruined. Yes, God does have a sense of humor.

#3 May 1 - 7PM

Susan32

Want you to remember me for teaching you how to relate to people

My ex-N wanted me to forget him,except he wanted me to remember how he taught me to "relate to other people." This is what he said after all the verbal abuse, public humiliation, then finding out he already had a girlfriend (needless to say,at the one and only time we met, it was pleasant, civilized, and unscripted--no wonder he made a quick escape) Well, I did send him a blunt postcard-after 3 years-saying yes,he had taught me how to relate to others. I wasn't going to engage in condescending, arrogant bullying and humiliating others. I also told him to say hi to the REAL him,and that I was glad I had REAL friends. I hope it hurt. Probably it didn't.

#4 May 15 - 6PM (Reply to #37)

Amazed

Susan32,,and how they N relates to people

Funny you should say that,,my exN told e that if I learned one thing at all from him, it will be how to leverage people. I never get it when he says that,,leverage means use people. What an exploiter, predatory, and egotistical pig.

#5 May 15 - 10PM (Reply to #38)

Susan32

He told me to "use him"

Mine lacked the nerve to use the term "leverage." As I've mentioned before, my ex-N was INCOMPETENT. Some Narcs are smooth, able to pal around with age-mates/colleagues, present a shiny happy public image. My ex-N was self-sabotaging. Let's just say the FIRST time he pulled a fast one on me--it managed to make him look bad. Over the next 4 years, people still deemed him a bully, his students thought he was psycho, and his colleagues generally avoided him. When I met the OW from LA, he made a quick dash for the exit... with her catching up... and his colleagues and I were left stunned. He left me with the last word,"I didn't know he had a girlfriend." Sheesh... a COMPETENT Narc could've finessed that one. My ex-N had a script in which he always ended up looking bad. He told me from the get-go that people thought he was mean, that he had a hard time relating to people, and that he had hurt a lot of people. I assume he hasn't changed, and that his students still hate him, and his colleagues avoid him like the plague. I'm sure my ex-N has me on NC because I exposed him, and in a blunt brief postcard 7 years ago, I called him a jerk... and by his first name...* *His first name is Hebrew for "rabid dog." His father is one smart guy.

#6 May 12 - 4AM (Reply to #32)

tasha

same susan32

Mine told me to get on with my life and forget about him. I think because he could'nt admit what he had done to me. But I have never had any contact with him perhaps covert on his behalf.....I thought he was stalking me for a time. But I that has ceased ans he has a new victim.

#7 May 14 - 7PM (Reply to #36)

Susan32

No Supply, No Affair... NC from the ex-N

The ex-N is very likely to put YOU on NC if you- 1)Expose them 2)Tell them to be accountable for what they've done 3)Acknowledge the relationship they're in- My ex-N got mad at me and whined "You want to be the teacher!" and took umbrage when I said I respected his lifestyle choice. He's an adult, and I was going to treat him as such. He had said,"It shouldn't matter to you that I have a girlfriend." 4)Don't stoke their egos 5)Tell them that while you'd appreciate an apology, also tell them that they're too spineless,immature,heartless and mindless to do so 6)Wish them happiness in their lives,because I've read that a common trait for Ns is to hate happiness and joy If an ex-N doesn't see you as having possibilities of an affair or narcissistic supply, they put you on IGNORE.

#8 May 12 - 9AM (Reply to #33)

Susan32

The People of the Lie

I've been reading parts of Scott Peck's "People of the Lie." He says that narcissists embody such evil because they can't admit the evil they do to others. Normal people are able to admit, "I really hurt you. I'm sorry" (and mean it) My ex-N said he wanted "to inspire me to move on." In a sense he saw my pain, the repeated humiliations he put me through (on the verge of getting MARRIED, no less!)... and yet he couldn't admit that he caused a lot of personal pain to me. I even asked him why he never apologized, and all he could say was "You were inappropriate." Oh yes, the blame shifting and scapegoating. He couldn't admit that he had humiliated me... he couldn't admit that he had personally destroyed one of the few people who actually cared about him... must be Hell to be him.

#9 May 12 - 1PM (Reply to #34)

Barbara (not verified)

Susan32

oh please! He saw the pain he caused you and DID NOT CARE... he just wanted to get rid of you so he could work over the girlfriend. ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

#10 May 12 - 1PM (Reply to #35)

Susan32

The girlfriend--as in his next victim

In a sense, I'm not surprised he had a long-distance relationship before she moved in with him. She was the one who had to pull up the stakes, leave her friends (and perhaps family) behind, leave behind a good job. And by "working over the girlfriend",yeah, she was as much prey to him as I was. Thanks to the long-distance, she didn't know what he was like on a daily basis. She didn't see how other people regarded him. She didn't know that his students deemed him an alcoholic, masturbating monster, and called him a jerk. She didn't know how he verbally abused me. And from what I've read, marrying and having kids makes Narcs worse... And I couldn't warn her about ANYTHING.

#11 May 1 - 3PM

narcnarcwhosthere (not verified)

disappearing act...

mine was a real Houdini....he pulled the disappearing act on all his victims....he used me up then wrote me off.....when i tried to contact him to try to get him to sign divorce papers, he accused me of stalking him....if he passed me on the road he accused me of stalking him...because he was working at a pizza place across from a grocery i had shopped at for years...he sent me a terse email telling me to stay out of his territory..... he cut his own children out of his life and hadn't seen them in over 15 years...until he laid dying...and then it was ME who called them...not him.... everyone was disposable to him.... his favorite ploy was to abuse and victimize someone...pull up stakes and take his show on down the road and start all over....he didn't want anyone or anything from his past to interfere with the new life he'd created...his new identity....... he didn't want anyone from his past and his present getting together......ever........

#12 May 1 - 3PM

gullablegull (not verified)

That's typical too

Mine has been the same: erasure. Not just with me, but two step sons he has raised for 8 years as well. He already had another woman, but I don't believe he would have contacted us anyway. He spits people out when he's done torturing them. This is not to say there may not be an attempt in the future though mind you. I would suggest to him NOT! We have had home related emails or emails that involve HIM in some fashion, those he replies to instantly. He's such a coward he left here talking like he was going to kill himself, then went straight to his gf's, I now know. For months, he led me to believe he was suicidal. Wish he had been! Count your lucky stars darling. I do. Hope I don't even have to see him in divorce court. I now know what true psychopath adn predator he really is..... and that he has no heart, no conscience, and has diabolically strategized our demise to the best of his evil abilities. Forget you knew him, and DO NOT give him another chance to DD. He enjoys your misery, so don't let him.

#13 May 1 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

quietude (not verified)

agree

Yes, what gullablegull said...be glad you're not on his RADAR!!! I am thankful he hasn't tried contacting me in a couple of months, things must be going okay for him elsewhere...sad for the GF, but Yay for me.

#14 May 1 - 3PM (Reply to #28)

MsVulcan500

I agree.

I think the luckiest of us are the ones who got left because of new supply. I know that hurts our pride at first, but what it really means is she is the new you. Just like you were the new "one before." He is not treating her any better than you were treated. Sure, he may be doing some different things with her than he did with you, but that is the acting that he needs to do to get her attached. They did it with us too. What this means for us is they are not trying to contact us, and if they are, it's just not as persistent. But what they don't know is that while they are pretending with the new supply, we are learning. Learning about them and how to avoid them. We are also learning about ourselves, how we how we got to this point, how it's not our fault, how they are not human, and why it is so important to not get sucked back in. So the longer they stay NC the better. We are just getting stronger with time. Those N's who wait longer to try to contact us will have much less of a chance at us again because we will be so much stronger. I'm hoping to not hear from mine forever!! I'm hoping that for all of us.

#15 May 1 - 2PM

quietude (not verified)

hitandrun

All I can say is I think mine didn't have a secured back-up supply...as in, a steady one, so after he disappeared, he started contacting me and trying to get me back for several months. I truly believe, and have evidence of around the time he sent me the 'final-final' farewell e-mail (he's send a couple of 'final goodbye's' before! ha), he had secured his old GF again. So, it was easy for him to no longer try to contact me at that point, he didn't need me as a supplier. I think that's really what it has to do with. Keep in mind what an N does or doesn't do to us, has nothing to do with the people we are...they steer the ship according to whatever their needs are at that moment.

#16 May 1 - 1PM

Scoop

Heres the score with my wank

Heres the score with my wank stain narc , he shame dumps me maybe 6 times now i think then we have the first contact he asks me if im doing ok and then reinforces the dumping something like this " im sorry i broke your heart but i dont love you " kind of sick seeing that he contacted me but there you go he is sick . The next contact from him will be an invite to an event "as friends " i stupidly go and sleep at his and there is no sex but cuddles all night , this is where i am hooked right back in and with in a week or so as "friends " we sleep toghther and i am back to being his beautiful girlfriend again but then the d&d comes and i am shamed dumped again ,,, just rince and repeat ...god i hate this narc . Scoop x

#17 May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #22)

MsVulcan500

Every time I see the word

Every time I see the word "wank" it makes me laugh. My daughter and I got hooked on BBC America shows when we were both laid off for a while, and we really liked a lot of the terms heard there. But one time I texted to the N "piss off wanker", and he really did not like that! He even brought it up again at the big breakup! LOL

#18 May 1 - 10PM (Reply to #24)

neveragain5

One thing I found, if you

One thing I found, if you know their "weaknesses", then you can really piss them off....isn't a wanker someone who's always jacking-off?

#19 May 1 - 10PM (Reply to #25)

Susan32

The Jokes about My Ex-N

My ex-N was the subject of LOTS of tasteless wanking jokes. They were used to explain the various facial expressions he'd have during seminars. Wonder if he's caught onto that? I never told him "Hey,you are the butt of lots of masturbation jokes."

#20 May 1 - 2PM (Reply to #23)

Scoop

MsVulcan

Thats so funny , next time as im sure there will be as we all know they pop up from time to time try adding "youre full of bollocks " ...i will use it in a sentance for you "piss off wanker youre full of bollocks " Hands accross the ocean sister Scoop x

#21 May 1 - 1PM

foolmeonce

Contact

My thoughts are, as I said in another post, yes they will contact you sometime. The ex N I was with still occassionally contacts someone he played around with 15 years ago, just to see if she is still f*d up (she is). The point is not will they contact you, but why they are doing it. They contact you not because they love you or miss you - they are bored at the moment and want to see what is going on with you. They don't want to date you again necessarily. You need to get to the point where it does not matter if he contacts you or not. He's a fake - always was and always will be. If you even have one shred of hope that he will contact you - it means you actually want him to and you are still a long way from recovering.

#22 May 1 - 12PM

aceonelady

hi hit and run...also no contact attempt....

My ex N also stopped contacting me...maybe you will read my story...But anyway,when i came back from USA where he lives after being devalued,abused for 2 months and dumped,he called me blaming me for a mistake that the airline made with his credit card,so i said i will call them,and resolve the question...He said ok ,call me back when you know more about the question...And so i did,the problem was resolved in 2 days so i called him to tell him that....Well,he told me then that i wasn't going to hear from him again...and so he did ...2 weeks later,me desperate only crying ,not understanding why we wouldn't be civilised enough to keep some contact from time to time,i receive an email saying:Not that i want to have conversations or want anything to do with you again,but i wonder how are you doing....Maybe i will send an email from time to time,but no promisses...Well this made me feel more miserable than ever...It is now a year and 4 months ago,i did call him,he told me alot of terrible things,i exposed him to the mother of his children,because he told me when i was in the usa with him that he was still planning for a reconciliation with her...She told me she is happy he is gone,and she don't care if he lives or die,and that about a reconciliation was a big lie,she will be glad if he dies.....And they are not even talking anymore,not even about the kids....he goes there once a month give her money and is gone in 10 minutes....And since i exposed him he never called or emailed me again,blocked me on Skype changed his nickname on the internet,vanished like if he never existed...i thought he was my friend,mylove ...no no contact at all...you are not the only one...I wish i had been strong enough to never had called him again...the times he spoke to me was only to humiliate me and tell me horrible things,even maybe being gay or bisexual,insinuating affairs with both sexes,i am broke,sad,i have nightmares and intrusive toughts,i am in therapy for already 2 years,even before he devalued i was taking some valium and therapy because i was on a very dangerous rollercoaster ride with this man...Please i know is difficult still is fore me too but keep NC i am doing it now too....he doesn't contact me and i don't contact him either...is better is the only way,but i know what you mean,when you read the others saying their exes contact them you ask why he dosn't contact me?I know exactly the feeling...But he would only bring more sadness and confusion,believe me i went trough that shit already....Take my word NC is the only way...HUGHS

Aceonelady

#23 May 11 - 10PM (Reply to #18)

smileyfacepr

NC

smileyfacepr Like I said in another post, I have been NC for 11 mnths and although sometimes I feel the immense sudden urge to call him, I dont, because I think it would take me back further from where I wanna be, any lil progress I have made will have been for nothing! What hurts the most is that he does not contact me either, that makes me feel like I never exsisted, thats a very bad feeling, that has messed up my self esteem even more. After 7 yrs of giving him mt heart and soul, my energy and loyalty, its like I never exsisted. Not to mention I had 2 kids that raised w me all those yrs and doesnt even care how they r...but when can I expect if he doesnt even care for his own!! If he wanted to contact me he would..that stops me from contacting him. At least my self respect is coming back..thats gotta be something!!

smileyfacepr

#24 May 13 - 9AM (Reply to #19)

TexN (not verified)

Smiley

Same here. N helped me raise two boys for 7 yrs & "Dad" couldn't give a rat's ass about them. Loser bought them guns but took back & pawned, bought them dirtbike & 4 wheelers (they contributed $1,000), rode 3 times & never saw them again (probably pawned too)...They disgust me!

#25 May 1 - 12PM

Introspection

It depends....

If they found a NW, chances are they will not be bothered wih us. My x did contact me often after our b/u but once he realized that I was not going to let go the fact that he cheated on me, he stopped contacting me...for several months. I moved out of state and on the Valentines Day, he made it a point to send me red roses...no contact, just roses. He later moved to where I had relocated and I thought he did it out of love for me; NOT. If he is not contacting you now...he will, its just a matter of time. It may be that he is waiting for you to "get over" whatever is bothering you so that he does not have to work so hard at it or it may just be that he is being entertained by "other" and amusing himself by causing you more pain is now not on his list of priorities. My recommnedation is that you use this time to change your email address, your phone number, your address...drop off the face of HIS earth so that he can not find you ever again. You do not want to give him an opportunity to mess with your mind ever again. I was reminded today that when you take a CHANCE, things happen. It may be good things or bad things but when taking a chance, things happen. If you don't take a chance..NOTHING happens. What came to mind is that when it comes to my XN, I will not take a chance to make sure that NOTHING happens ever again between us...I recommend you NOT TAKE A CHANCE.

#26 May 1 - 12PM (Reply to #2)

Kelly

It's when you don't want him to contact you at all

Then, they make an attempt. It could be weeks, months or many years later. . . Nearly every N or psycho who has D&D'd me has made an attempt exactly when I finally forgot that he existed. My last exN has a gf right now, so I'm not expecting any contact from him. I'm sure he's got plenty of supply for now. After he D&D's her (and he will) he may make an attempt, but there is no way I will respond. Knowing what I know now (finally) Any contact from him is just a six year old looking at his toy shelf saying . . . "I haven't played with that one for a while, wonder if it still works?"

#27 May 1 - 7PM (Reply to #3)

hitandrun

Erased..thanks for all the replies

I wish I was at the point where I could say I don't give a sh*t, but I would be lying. In any other ending of a relationship, we've usually checked up on each other...you know, you cared for each other at one point. This is so different. I am a piece of toilet paper he wiped his as* with. So no, I am not above still having some shred of hope even though my mind knows it is so wrong. That is just where I am at. Feeling like a discarded piece of trash. This is just so messed up.

#28 May 11 - 11PM (Reply to #11)

smileyfacepr

Its funny u should say that

smileyfacepr Its funny u should say u feel like a piece of trash because just 2 nights ago I was having a crying attack over this crap and I was telling my friend that thats exactly how I feel..like a piece of garbage he just threw out and never gave a second thought.. Isnt that sad? how 1 person can totally destroy u? All ur dreams, hopes, desires,feelings,joy,happiness. I cant wait till I get up that 1 day and realize in the middle of the day..hey I havent thought about him today..yayyy..I cant wait!!!!

smileyfacepr

#29 May 12 - 1AM (Reply to #12)

happydaysahead

:(

I am right there with you sister. But we have to believe that that day will come.

#30 May 12 - 9AM (Reply to #13)

Janet

Hi Smiley and Teesme, Stay

Hi Smiley and Teesme, Stay with it, it will happen. I have turned yet another corner and am feeling so much better than I have in years. Honestly. I was where you too were not long ago. Peace. J

Peace. J

#31 May 13 - 12AM (Reply to #14)

smileyfacepr

Thank u Janet

Yes I know that day will come..I am holding out for it, I dont really have a choice. Was there anything in particular u did to speed up the process?? Glad u r better! I too want to be better than I was when I met him!!

smileyfacepr

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