Empty inside.

29 posts / 0 new

#1 Oct 23 - 4PM

Emma

Empty inside.

Hello...

I feel so utterly stupid.

I was with my exN for nearly eight months. At first all was great, I couldn't have wished nor wanted anyone better. He was always around me, we had some special times,and some, not so special times. He helped me close a chapter in my life and in aspects I helped him to. Knowing some of my past, he did promise me he'd never hurt me, shame it wasn't heartfelt.

Since we started dating, I have found him on dating sites, after he said he had closed his accounts. He lied, he'd told me that he had closed them both down, he was still on them. I have found old pictures and old conversations between him and some of his exes on his phone, which was normal to him. Surely, I was his future, they were his past, why keep that stuff?!

About 2- 3 months into the 'relationship' I found him starting arguments and picking things, just petty things then he'd just disappear for days on end. I'd send him a text and he'd just ignore me, until he saw fit to notice me and reply. His reply would be, ' just because youre talking to me doesnt mean im ready to talk to you'. This has happened more or less every fortnight for the last 5 or so months. Each time iv always asked him to come back, which he did, only to disappear again in another fortnights time. When he disappears, there's no conversation before hand, no trying to work it out, with him it's just automatically over, that's it. Then I'm left wondering wtf happened..what happened now?!

A few weeks ago, he was here with a friend, i was cooking a meal and for absolutely no reason started calling me names in front of his friend. I have never felt to humiliated and embarrassed. I asked him why he felt the need to do this and asked for an apology, i didn't get one, he said he was teasing me!
So I decided I'd go NC. After two days he tried to text me and ring, no joy, i ignored the contact. So he sent me an email saying he was sorry if he'd offended me, he was JOKING! He said he loved me and wanted another chance. Stupidly I gave in.

He's frustrated, where he belittled me, I lost more or less all respect for him, which has lead to nothing happening in the bedroom. Why would I want to sleep with someone who feels the need to treat me that way and who I had no respect for?! He wants sex but because he didn't get it this week, it's over.

He didn't bother to text me for a few days so I text him briefly asking if there was anything there for me anymore...he replied ' not alot Em' and then blocked me. So now I'm back to being ignored. So after that I thought sod it. I blocked his number. I sent him an email saying how hurt I was and I let rip with how pissed off I was with the way he treated me. his reply to my mail was simply, ' I hope you cleaned your fingers after typing all this crap, (havent bothered reading most of it) but all the best to you and your new 'friend'... I hope for his sake he's deaf, illiterate and impotent.' the friend he's referring to is someone iv known for over twenty years.

Iv not heard anything since. Im left wandering why? I was kind to him, showed him lots of affection and attention. I couldn't have loved him more than I did. Now I'm left feeling empty and I ache.....

Like others, I also found porn on his iPad and phone... LOADS of it, all anal. He was also very controlling, to the point I was only allowed two coffees per day, and allowed to wear certain clothes. To only wear my hair down. He'd call me stupid and possessive. If we argued, it was always my fault. He would NEVER apologize for anything. Sometimes i would have to apologise for the arguements HE started or hed go on a major sulk. Everything was his way or no way. He was also sex mad.

I'm left gob smacked as to why he'd treat me this way, all I did was love him. Before I met this man I was confident, strong and independent. Meeting my N he turned me to mush and I feel totally worthless.
I don't understand. He loved me three weeks ago, but not now?! I don't intend on breaking the NC but I'm sick and tired of sitting here thinking about him and wondering if he's thinking about or missing me, did he ever love me...?when I know in reality he isn't, it rips me to pieces. He said he'd never hurt me...he lied.

I'd appreciate any advice on how to get this 'man' out of my system pls

#2 Oct 24 - 3AM

lillymarch

Stop trying to understand crazy.

You keep wondering why or how he could do this...well, the answer is: he's crazy. My advice is this: make yourself the most important thing in your life. Treat yourself like a precious flower. Focus on your health. Eat healthy, exercise, read about health, get your teeth cleaned, a pedicure, buy some new clothes, get your hair done, exercise, exercise, exercise, eat some dark chocolate and get some sleep. Force yourself to stop thinking of him. When he pops into your mind, have something that you do, or read, or think that jars you out of it. Break the obsessive cycle. This took me months but slowly I was able to get a new pattern of thoughts. At first it seems impossible but treat this task as if your life depends on it and really, it does. How fast do you want to move on? 6 months? 2 years? How much do you love yourself? Push yourself to do this. It's for you! I'm still dealing with the exN because of children but it's very minimal! Just this last week I haven't seen or talked to him and I feel great. This was after months of him dropping by, showing up whenever he'd feel like it. I had to make myself VERY clear that I wanted No Contact. I'm waiting for the: I want to see the children text and I'll deal with it when it happens but I'm really enjoying my new life!! I went to a costume party last Friday and had a blast! My mind will randomly jump to him but I have a plan and quickly change that thought. By doing this, I don't dwell, then feel bad, then ruin my own day. I want a wonderful life! I'm beautiful and have so much to offer this world and now that I'm free from Narcville so much possibility has arrived. You can do this. Let him go. Get your mind, heart, and body back.

#3 Oct 24 - 12AM

Puzzle

Emma I could have written

Emma I could have written your story word for word, the online dating stuff too, even the script your Narc reads you. I was with the same guy you are....but for 5 years!!! It does not change and it never will. You are lucky he hasn't taken anymore of your precious time. I am 6 months out and like everyone went through denial, anger, rage, obsession, and acceptance. I still swing between all of them but to less extremes. You will experience so many emotions, and wanting answers is something we all relate to. There is no reason except for the fact that this person is sick! I am going to be brutally honest with you. Your Narc like the rest of ours doesn't know what love is. Even if you heard those words from his mouth "Of course I loved you Emma." They don't feel the same kind of love we do and never will. Love is something that makes you want to give up everything to throw yourself on the line for someone if they are dying. Does this sound like the same kind of unconditional love you have received???? NO!!! The answer is he loved you as much as he can ever love anyone, as much as he loves chocolate. These creatures have no depth. Our ability to feel love is totally different to theirs. You need to start thinking of him as an abnormal being...He doesn't think or feel to the depth that we do. One friend on here put it to me like this (when I was going through the same stage you are). "You are like a toaster to him, shiny, new do your job, but after a while you burn the toast and it's time to discard you for a new toaster." Every girl in their lives and not just you will be exactly the same. It is a strange metaphor, but it made things clear for me. You were never the reason for any of his behaviour. You could be anyone and it would be the same. It is not his ability to love you as a person, he can't love anyone but himself. The answers you receive from him will all be a lie, and they have a totally different meaning to you than they do to him. I went back and forth for years, my Narc did the same things to me as yours did to you. He made me a heap of incapable mush...he abandoned me, abused, berated, belittled and stole my soul. 6 months on, I never got the answers I wanted from him, but I found them inside myself when I began to accept what he really is. You will continue to go around in circles when you seek answers, the answers are here on this website, from the mouths of these women, in books like "men who hate women and the women who love them.", Why is it always about them? etc...read, read, read and educate yourself is the best advice I received. It will be a long journey, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You will be strong, confident and a complete person again, trust me! Take the focus from this nut bag and turn it on to you. What are you missing in yourself that you feel the need for this person in your life? How can you get back the girl you were before this man ruined your selfesteem? She is in there waiting to be discovered. Relationships are a game to them, we may as well be a pet hampster running on a wheel to them. We are to played with, poked fun at....we are just prey. The game with you has become too hard for the Narc, he isn't getting what he wants from you anymore and so he sends you insane with his psycho mind games and silent treatment. Don't give him what he wants. Give him what he doesn't want...you being happy, stronger and too dignified to cave to his shit. Start thinking about what you want. Get off the hampster wheel and enter the light of sanity.

#4 Oct 24 - 6PM (Reply to #27)

Susan32

"Give him what he doesn't want"

When I broke NC with the ex-Psych... I did EXACTLY that. He was the one being poked fun at, played with... and yes, being HAPPY and STRONGER. I thought so much about what *I* wanted I accidentally trampled all over him on the way. It was fun. I liked it.

#5 Oct 24 - 3AM (Reply to #26)

Emma

A few people have said

My story is theirs, I thought I was the only one going this.. Trying to get this man out of my system I know is going to be tough. Especially when I think of the things he did for me.. My son and I got used to him being here 90% of the time and that's what I have to shake off, his company and that's the hardest thing. Knowing the fact that he is unable to love me, to support me, to feel anything real for me, for him to never be what I need him to be..I'm hoping will help me let him go.. I don't think I feel mad..(I don't feel obsessive...I have blocked him from everywhere so I couldn't check on him now if I wanted to) but I feel very much hurt and lost and at the moment empty, but I have good friends, and I have my sons for support. Where as, he has nothing. He has no friends at all, it's just him and his two brothers and mother. I have never known anyone so unpopular! It's the start of a new weekend time to close that chapter with him in it. And time to open another one and get on with my life!!

#6 Oct 23 - 6PM

Hunter

Welcome!

#7 Oct 23 - 5PM

ruby01 (not verified)

Emma

This is so typical of what these guys do. Realize that it is a tough road ahead. When it comes to him put on your coat of armor and pull up the drawbridge! Try your best not to let anything he says or does from this point forward generate any kind of response from you. Until you reach a point of no return it is never ending. Unfortunately it is entirely up to you. Best Wishes on your road to recovery! XXXX, Ruby

#8 Oct 23 - 5PM

Amiee

I have read this story

it was mine!!! When he came to me last weekend to tell me he didn't realize how much he loved me until I dumped him. I proceeded to is they are text book, confront him with every lies I had figured out. His response was I don't like your attitiude, I think I am fallling out of love with you... The most disturbing thing about Narc some plays deviate but they are all the same including the loads of porn. i am in the same place you are, still trying to wrap my head around it all and get myself back. This site is helpful and the ladies are wise..keep reading and talking...and the NC IS CRITICAL IN TAKING BACK THE POWER!!!! HUGS!!!

#9 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #22)

Emma

Oh my..

He used the same words with me. 'I don't like your 'attitude'...then proceeded to tell me the following day that he didn't feel anything for me anymore. To be honest, I think that reading from this site and reading all the advice that these special ladies have given out has saved me from caving in and contacting him again...I'm usually too weak willed..

#10 Oct 23 - 5PM

Syren66 (not verified)

OMG

Sweetheart, welcome! And take heart...I dumped the xN three months into the relationship after he blew me and my child off and I went off on him. Then I skulked back a few days later, tail tucked between legs...and BEGGED him to take me back. I have NEVER EVER done that for anyone before in my life. I even gushed sentiments I didn't really believe...b/c I was so afraid that I'd misjudged him and was even more scared of being alone than casting this guy aside who'd told me weeks before with tears in his eyes that I was the love of his life, who'd given me diamond/platinum earrings. That was 8 years ago. I finally left him 14 months ago. I should have left him on the curb way back then. Because this inconsiderate prick showed his colors very early on and I refused to see it. Give yourself a lot of credit...you're 8 months into a relationship you know is doomed. Get away, establish no contact and stick to it...otherwise, you'll be the one posting here 7 years from now asking yourself why you allowed yourself to stay in that cycle when you knew he was sick and disordered?

#11 Oct 23 - 4PM

indenial

this is what they do emma

What you have written has been written here already by hundreds of members me included. The stories may differ slightly but the basic abuse is all the same. Welcome to our world. We have all been abused to varying degrees and for different lengths of time. The fact that you are here is your first step to recovery and freedom. There is plenty of good advice here and you need to follow the steps and seriously follow the no contact rule. Many of us have regressed time and time again but we are still here and fighting and surviving. I'm going through it too and so are all of us. Some further down the road than others. You are doing well. Keep posting keep reading keep asking questions and reach out to any of us at anytime. There is no explanation other than that they are pure evil. They are predators. If you are in the uk a good therapist can be expensive and difficult to find who has the experience of personality disorders. I haven't managed to find one but what I've found here helps more than anything else I've found. The best advice I can give is to stay no contact and read all you can while trying to fill your life and move forward from it. Accept he's no good and don't accept his treatment of you any longer. And the only way to do that is to never go back because they will do it time and time again. Its a bitter pill to swallow but swallow it we must xx

#12 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #13)

Emma

I have been on this

Site since last night, reading people's stories. I wish I was as sting as most on here, perhaps I'll get to that point, but at the moment I'm just in bits. What I find hardest to swallow is that everything he told me was lies. He obviously didn't love me, didn't need me. To know that it was all just fake and empty words is so hard to come to terms with as I just wanted to believe everything he told me...it was all just games..

#13 Oct 23 - 7PM (Reply to #19)

Dema

He's broken

He did need you - like a parasite needs a host. You wouldn't let him be a parasite, so he went looking for another host. With these guys it is about them and them getting their supply. Some of them seriously try to be nice - but they just can't. Yours obviously didn't even try. He enjoyed being mean. Even the ones who try to be good are so broken that they are poison. Mine had to be drugged numb to keep from raging. A number of us have wondered if they are possessed like the Bible talks about. They didn't develop normally emotionally. They can't feel good emotions the way a healthy person does. A child learns how to be angry way before he/she learns empathy. When you are walking down the road, you can feel what it felt like yoru first date, your first meaningful kiss and so forth. They can't. I figured out that mine couldn't a couple of years before I figured out why. It was so hard to describe. He could just talk about anything, no matter how tragic, as though it happened to somebody else. He got more upset about kids in other countries getting hurt than about people he knew. It was just weird. But this is typical - lack of emotional memory. But they can usually remember anger. Just not the more tender emotions. He's damaged. Broken. And you cannot fix him. He is a vampire. He needs your blood, but he will kill you taking it. You didn't do anything wrong - or more accurately - you couldn't have done it "Right". Any relationship like that is doomed from the beginning. It wasn't you. It was him. Really.

#14 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #14)

indenial

its horrible

Realising its all lies. I am truly horrified that this has happened to me. I have been on this site 34 weeks and was months trying to fathom things out before that and I've only just got the real strength to get out and stay nc and I've struggled with the few hurdles he's created already ! I dread what's to come now and how I'm going to cope. I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back and its just exhausting trying to battle with my thoughts. I'm 41 and I've never experienced hurt like this. Never and I've been through breakups before. He took so much of me. I didn't even realise how deeply I'd fallen for it until he took it all away. Mine was quite clever with his abuse and it always seemed to come down to something I had or hadn't done. It took me a long time to finally wake up to the fact it wasn't me and I had to go back many times just to prove to myself that it wasn't me. In the end I was just playing the same game as he was and I didn't like who I'd become. You're already doing better than you think

#15 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #15)

Emma

I know what you

Mean about going back, I did each time he'd go quiet on me. I'd continuously text, call. He'd ignore me until I was practically begging him..which he obviously got a kick out of. Like you I thought his behavior was my fault. Perhaps I didn't give him what he needed, but looking back now, I couldn't have given him any more..he took everything. What obstacles has your N put in your way?

#16 Oct 23 - 6PM (Reply to #16)

indenial

i did the begging back

Many times until I began to realise he got a kick out of it. Then he used to hoover and I'd fall for it but each time I went back with my eyes a little more open and my heart a little more closed. Emotinal mind game obstacles he's putting in the way. I've seen it all before and I've fallen for it everytime before but not this time. I'm coming here instead. I went nc with him just by ignoring him. No explanation. He left it a week then he started to make contact. I ignored him. He turned up at my work he cried and played the pity card then he got angry and threatened. I gave no reaction to either and have continued to ignore him which I have struggled to do before because he threatens to kill the father of my children and I know what he's capable of. I've lived in fear of that. Well I didn't cave this time and today he's driven by my road in his ex wifes car. Another thing to try and hurt me and make me go running back to him ore contact him because I can't bear to lose him to her. But I havwnt reacted. I haven't contacted him and I won't. It hurt seeing it but I'm getting much better at questioning and silencing my self defeating thoughts. If he's back with her then that's up to him we are over. I know the reality of life with him and it isn't what he led mw to believe it would be. I was conned into a relationship with him. I'm a bit worried with what else he may do next and how I'm going to cope but it can't be any worse than it has been. My main priority is living well and keeping my family safe from him. Be careful because they do seem to have a knack of hoovering just at the right time. It may be at a time when you are feeling weak and vulnerable or it may be at a time when you are feeling strong and you may feel you can handle contact. Don't be fooled. They are master manipulators and before you know it they've hooked you in somehow

#17 Oct 23 - 6PM (Reply to #17)

Emma

I read on the net

That if the N thinks you're with someone else then they will leave you alone. Is this true? The way I feel is like I want to hate him, that would make it so much easier to get him out of my system. Indenial I'm so sorry for your situation. Have you made the police aware of the threats?

#18 Oct 23 - 6PM (Reply to #18)

indenial

yes the police are aware

I can't stop him though but I have warned him that if he does anything there will be consequences. Meaning I will go to the police and tell him all the other stuff I know about him and his associates. Not much else I can do really. I'm not sure how true that is about if you've got someoene else they leave you alone because I've read that many of them deliberately persue unavailable women. Mine did and even when I went back to my ex he waited around for me for nearly a year ! Of course he eventually got me away and then used that as his battering stick to convince me it was all my fault

#19 Oct 23 - 4PM

Tigerlily

Getting him out of your system

Read as much about narcissism as you can as fast as you can. Google Sam Vaknin for starters. Knowledge is power, it will astound you how stereotype these creatures are. What happened to you has happened to all of us. You are not alone. Outsiders may not understand it - we do. So turn to this site as often as you feel the need, and post anything you are unclear about, any hurt, weakness, whatever it is. You will get 100% support here. Block him completely out of your life and turn your energies towards yourself. Do what feels good to you, treat yourself, be gentle and kind and loving to YOU. Ignore him if he contacts you, every contact will make you feel worse, I guarantee it. They are crazy and they drive us crazy. You may not understand it for some time. Therapy may be an option. Definitely blocking him from your life while you heal is an absolute must. You won`t want to, he may try and suck you back in, if so you MUST stay strong. You are NOT worthless. Narcs make us feel worthless because they feel worthless. If they can convince themselves and us that we are even more despicable than they are, it relieves their pain for a while. They do not care what effect that has on us. I`m sorry you got narced, but really glad you turned up here. You are safe here. Hugs Tigerlily

#20 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #6)

Emma

Thank you tigerlily

I haven't stopped reading about N's since yesterday. I knew that the way he was acting wasn't normal, but would never have guessed that he was a N at all until someone mentioned it to me. I have blocked him from everywhere. My phone. Facebook. Unless he turns up on my doorstep I doubt I'll hear from him. I won't be breaking the no contact, altho I have in the past, things didn't change, so I won't be making the same mistake again. How likely am I to hear from him again? Thank you for your advice Em

#21 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Tigerlily

Difficult Prognosis

Since it "ended" with your shooting your mouth off (good for you), I would recognize what he`s doing as silent treatment, look at how long he used to go silent in the past when he felt offended and then add a week, a bit less if he`s the impatient type, a bit more if he`s the "water torturer" type. As long as you`re missing him and secretly wishing he would contact you, there`s a good chance he won`t. When you have your first good day, and feel, Wow, I`m beginning to get over him, a surprise contact could come out of the blue. However: They are very unpredictable. The only thing about contact one can say with any reliability is that it ALWAYS comes when you don`t expect it. It`s good to have a strategy for every kind of attempted contact (for example, e-mail: delete without reading. Text: ditto. Voicemail-ditto. Letter: burn unread on recognizing handwriting. Turnup on doorstep: close door - quickly! etc. It`s also strengthening to play out the fantasy in your head of what you will do if you meet him unexpectedly, or with another woman. Like look straight through him and just walk away. No contact means NO contact. Don`t allow fear to rule your life, but minimize the areas where you might be caught off balance. And be very clear that you are going NC to save your own life. Be prepared, be vigilant on the outside, heal and enjoy your new life on the inside. Hugs Tigerlily

#22 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #10)

Emma

It would range

From a few days to maybe 5 days..whenever he felt his childish sulk was over and he'd made his point. I still have a few of his things here, which I put in a bag out of my view as I didn't want any reminders... I don't want to give him a reason or excuse to contact me, and his belongings do that... I am missing him but I don't want him to get in touch...if I give in then things won't change and il have to put ,myself thru this again....I can't do it..

#23 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #11)

Tigerlily

Well, if he contacts you for any reason

just run it over the site to get advice how to handle it. Don`t worry about it, Emma! Concentrate on you, on your healing, make that your first priority. The faster you heal, the better you`ll be able to handle it IF he contacts you. Just don`t get caught into knee-jerk reflex reactions, they`re very good at provoking that. And if you find yourself wanting to contact him, post here first, OK? You`re doing great. Thinking of you Tigerlily

#24 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #7)

Syren66 (not verified)

About 100%

And it won't stop any time soon...the test is coming. Stay strong and stick close to here.

#25 Oct 23 - 5PM (Reply to #8)

Emma

I don't know

If I will..he's very stubborn and was really adamant it was over. But if he does contact me, I won't be there to stroke his ego. Em

#26 Oct 23 - 4PM

foreverfun1

sorry to digress but never in

sorry to digress but never in my life have i heard "fortnight" used in this century,tee hee its cute, where are you from? mine cheated the whole time too and this was the most hurtful thing to realize. they have no guilt about it either. mine would get furious at me when i caught him and even called me evil lol.

#27 Oct 23 - 4PM (Reply to #2)

Emma

London UK

I don't know if he was cheating, he would just go off in a major sulk after I did something to p him off and not talk to me for a few days, but this did happen all the time...he'd just kind of stop sulking and come around again and act like nothing happened...which confused me...

#28 Oct 23 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

foreverfun1

maybe because they have no

maybe because they have no conscience they don't feel bad about abandoning u and dont even realize they should apologize. mine would do the same thing and if i tried to discuss how mean and hurtful he had been he would just say "why are you starting a fight" they have no insight into their behavior. and instead of realizing they did something wrong they accuse you of picking on them when you try to discuss it. likely he will blame you and say you caused it even if u did nothing wrong. when they have other women lined up they use any minor excuse to dump you.

#29 Oct 23 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

NarcJunkie

that's exactly it

Describes my Narc's behaviour perfectly. He would throw the most horrible hurtful things at me for no reason, never apologize and then the next day or 2 days later act like nothing ever happened. If I reacted anything other than perfectly content and happy to see him he would call me "aggressive" ( "Look at the way you stare at me when I come to your room, of course I don't want too spend time with you if you behave like that"!)

Path Forward Buy Now Reviews
All About Her Buy Now Reviews
All About Him Buy Now Reviews