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Does anyone else feel like a freak?

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#1 Oct 5 - 11AM
terri
terri's picture

Does anyone else feel like a freak?

As I've mentioned in a couple of postings lately, I'm going through some hoovering tactics at present from my exN. Sadly, I broke NC to communicate with him and partly out of an intense curiosity to watch how this would play out I have given in and agreed to meet him a few times.

Overall, he's been very kind and concerned about my broken foot/ankle and even today has offered to come over and help me do housecleaning and bring me dinner. He took me to a high-end steak house for dinner last weekend and all the while, I'm doing pretty well at remaining pretty disconnected - almost like an out-of-body experience watching it all play out. It's pretty amazing to see this from an "informed" point of view now, but that's a different forum topic for later.

My very good friend and nextdoor neighbor has been by my side throughout this relationship as well as through the breakup over the last several months. Knowing that I have and still do love him, she's wanting to encourage a happy ending. When he's making these gestures (what we know as hoovering) she sees them as wonderful signs that he's really trying to show me how much he cares and wants to work through things.

I've explained in detail how these guys work, that this is a viable and clinically observed personality disorder and oddly enough, she was a psych major in college. However, she is just constantly trying to get me to "allow" him to do these things for me and see where it leads.

For the last couple of months (since I've been on this Board), I talk continously about what I've learned, what all of the people on this board have experienced and how similar it is to my experience, but she just looks at me as if I'm totally out of my mind. I imagine that for a person who has been happily married to a normal, caring man for over 20 years hears that I'm communicating with people on the internet that I've never seen, talked to, or met - and basing my decision to stay aloof and cautious of someone I've been in a relationship with for over 9 years (engaged for over 2 years) on information I've gotten from a forum, perhaps she really does think I've lost my sanity! Today, she even got a little upset with me that I was pushing away a chance to perhaps let a relationship work that if I completely turn away, would have no chance of working.

I've reminded her that her husband (an amazingly wonderful man) is NORMAL and my exN is DISORDERED, she says that she gets that but "wouldn't you rather have someone there to help you than no one at all?"

After today's conversation with her, all I could think was "no one gets this who hasn't been through it". We are encouraged to make NORMAL efforts to nurture a relationship that most if not all of the time backfire on us.

So my question is, does anyone else have a support group that just doesn't understand the first thing about what these guys are like who are confusing the hell out of you?

Oct 5 - 5PM
Susan32
Susan32's picture

We dealt with freaks...

My mother, being an ACON (Adult Child of Narcs) got the ex-Psych professor firsthand. She had dealt with it growing up. She identified him off the bat. "We are encouraged to make NORMAL efforts to nurture a relationship that backfire on us"-That's the sad drama of being with a Narc. Being encouraging, kind, compassionate, and it all gets thrown back in your face. It's the awful feeling of being used, and never measuring up. I was open about the fact I was dating... the ex-P, instead of telling me he was interested (or that he was dating a lady in LA),would complain to his students about me going out on dates. I'd encourage his efforts... but when I volunteered at a local elementary school, he did everything to dissuade me. I asked him about alternatives, what he saw as better paths.. and he went silent. However, when I tell people how the ex-P threw a fit when I congratulated him on his betrothal, or how he lectured me ad nauseam after I declared my love... I usually get these three little words, "He's a psycho."
Oct 5 - 2PM
wholeagain
wholeagain's picture

It's a small group

Of folks who get what I've been through. I realized pretty quickly that most people can never understand what it was like, and they particular give you the side-eye when you talk about things like Stockholm Syndrome. I think Briseis is right that you got a good, rather old-fashioned statement about your neighbors values--a woman is better off with a man than without one--and that being the case, you need to be a bit careful. Back to NC for you young lady!! :) xoxo
Oct 5 - 1PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Mixed Messages

I must say that you are giving the psychology-major neighbor mixed messages. On one hand, you try to tell her that this man suffers from a severe personality disorder. Why doesn't she get it? Why do only people on this & other forums understand? On the other hand, in front of this neighbor, & then do a post mortem with her, you continue to see this man who (you say) suffers from a severe personality disorder. Now, if you really believed that he suffered from a personality order, which may have caused you to waste 9 years of your life with a man & explain why, after a 2 year engagement, you are not married but split up, -- if your truly believed that he was personality disordered, you would not spend another moment in his company. But, if I were the psychology-major neighbor, I would think . . . she's just engaing in idle banter . . . she doesn't believe he's disordered, she really wants to believe in redemption & change (just like the rest of us) but she's saying this personality-disorder nonsense so as not to get her hopes up. And, in the end, she may be getting annoyed with your mixed messages & inconsistencies. If you want to see him, do it. If you are splitting up because he's personality disorderd, then split up & don't waste the neighbor's time with post mortems of dates with a useless & personality-disordered man.
Oct 5 - 12PM
nhtmf
nhtmf's picture

terri

I have no one...........not even the so called professionals get it. Only here. Thank goodness for this site !!!
Oct 5 - 12PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

In a nutshell . . .

Your neighbor "says it all", a perfect insight into her value system . . . "it's better to have someone than to be alone". She sounds like a very caring and supportive friend . . . who just doesn't "get it". Oh well :P It doesn't sound like she's deliberatly diminishing what you're going through. It sounds like she might inadvertently feed your Hope Monster and encourage you to step over a cliff. Every now and then it hits me that a lot of folks think an online support forum is not "real". LOL. It's that it is still so new and different. I know it's real, online support saved my ass. I literally had NO support otherwise at the time. That online support kept me from feeling like a freak, otherwise I would have, and worse, probably :(
Oct 5 - 12PM
Used
Used's picture

terri

i believe that was more about your neighbour... i dont mean it in a nasty way...she has been married years.. he is obviously good man and they rely on each other... her last remark wouldnt you rather have someone to help you than no one at all. says it all...some people cannot imagine a life , where there is no one at all...and even if you say..i think my husband is an axe murderer... they will say oh but he realy helped you when you were ill..... OH WELL THATS OK THEN... a lot of people cannot see beyond themselves and their needs...so to her ,yours could be a demon but his help is better than none... omg. their are none so blind as those who dont want to see.... ive had these remarks about myexh.. oh but he had his good side.. did he...i lived with him.. i didnt see it...i also find them patronising... but thats me... bit more to add i told 2 freinds i talk on the internet.. one said good for you..narc woman said i think thats sad...well heres the thing....she was so good at giving advice[i thought] on narc dont talk to him dont do this dont do that with him...when i dumped him..she talked to him...so when i told her i was on a board with people who ..cos they had been there...knew what they were talking about and how many wake up calls i was getting aboutn,s not just beign males... she knew her days were numbered.cos this board showed me who she was as well... ive dumped her as well...