Do any of you experience

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#1 Apr 15 - 1AM

neverlookback

Do any of you experience

A feeling of tremendous abandonment? As if you were just raped and left to die on the street somewhere? Its such conflicting things to battle, not only did I think he loved me I truly believed I was very special to him that we had something he has never had with anybody else, with our history of playing together as children, etc I thought maybe at least I was a SPECIAL victim to him.

I feel at times SO LOST without him, I know that is crazy but I miss the control he had over me, I could always turn to him. Now when I look back, where was he when I needed him, the nights I cried myself to sleep, sobbing and aching for him as he was curled up with his live in GF in their beautiful new home. Sometimes I wonder what have I done SO WRONG in my life that I had to experience something so painful as this? Did I deserve this? I have done all the steps and have stayed strong with NC, maybe I could at least get a plaque or something saying, NEVERLOOKBACK WENT NOT CONTACT and a date on it. But I get NOTHING for the hard work and steps I have taken to make my life better. Why isnt my life getting better? I feel so ALONE now, he is gone forever and he was the most exciting person I have ever been with, AND the most disturbed person I have ever been with.

I miss my illusion and it hurts every damn day

#2 Apr 27 - 4PM

solost

Oh God I could've written

Oh God I could've written this post. This is EXACTLY how I feel almost every day NLB I really do. Hence my name-solost. every single word you wrote is my truth too. I've been no contact for 10 months, never broke it once, but I still cry hurt and feel so abandoned, so lost every day. I'm scared i'm not getting better or moving on, or stuck. Of course i have good days and bad days but underlying everything is the feeling of abandonment, of being lost.

#3 Apr 27 - 12PM

Hunter

NLB

Come on Now, You have to go through a mourning process! He is dead, However, NLB you havnt been out with me! I'm really fun! Ask Happy, and my Narc gets Soooo jealous of my fun! This is just a wrinkle in your life right now! If our life's were peaceful it would be boring! Besides look at the the interesting conversations we've had! Being narc has introduced me to manywonderful amazing women! These Assclowns don't deserve us, their loss! Hunter

#4 Apr 27 - 10AM

Deidre40

Yes, I sometimes do.I think

Yes, I sometimes do. I think it's because WE liken love with control. I grew up in a very controlling household. Was raised by someone verbally abusive, and controlling. And mean spirited. I made the connection around the age of 10, that control and abuse, can COEXIST with love. I would hear...''I do this because I love you.'' You abuse me because you love me? Huh?? So, once I made that connection to my past, NLB, which was very recent for me...things changed. I still have down days, and I have to catch my thinking. But, this is where it is for me. A lifetime of toxic thinking. Growing up in a dysfunctional house will do that to a person. So, he/she will then SEEK OUT MORE DYSFUCTION as an adult. Because it ''feels'' normal. I have always bailed very quickly, with 'normal' men. But with narcs? I make a lot of excuses as to why I should stay. Because, I was TAUGHT that abuse and love can live under the same roof. NO, IT CAN'T. AND IT WON'T ANYMORE FOR ME. So...that could very well be it for you, too. Having to break the fact that missing him controlling you, could be that you don't know what 'love' looks like without someone controlling you, and abusing you. Also--having them gone...life can be a little dull until we find ourselves again, and put back the pieces of our lives that we allowed them to destroy. That could also be it.

#5 Apr 27 - 9AM

Bitter-sweet

NC

You will feel differently one day. There is no going back because, as you know, the good times were an illusion. I am now 15 months NC after a very similar experience to you (my N was a 'returner' 25 years after the first time). There was sex I'd like to forget about. NLB, whenever, I read what the man did to you-it sickens me all over again. I have been strictly NC- I have never looked at his website, never emailed or texted him and I have not responded to his efforts to contact me through email or via FB. Once I started reading I knew all my instincts were right. Mine is most likely a psychopath. I've put my energies into finding out why I fell for it and what kept me there because I never want to go through that again. I don't have the physical plaque or medal but I have the emotional ones. This far down the line, I'm glad he doesn't know how my life is turning out and I wouldn't want him ever to see my FB page which I only use for a few old friends (who live away from me) and to chat to my sons who are at uni. I don't want him anywhere near the people I know and love. My private life is now private. He doesn't deserve even a glimpse of it or me. I have shut every door between us and I am proud of it. Have courage and stand firm- your feelings of abandonment will change.

#6 Apr 27 - 1PM (Reply to #19)

neverlookback

bittersweet

Maybe these feelings of abandonment are associated with the illusion he created for me? I read once that in reality adults can not get abandoned, CHILDREN get abandoned but grown adults dont. So this is a feeling I am struggling with associated with what this man once promised me, when you think about it ITS GOOD that an EVIL person walks out of your life, that is a GOOD THING. I read a story once of a woman who was involved with a psychopath she was with him 12 years one day she asked him to get her some icecream and he yelled and raged and said you are always wanting something arent you, he walked out of the house and she NEVER saw him again. OMG, I mean are you kidding me? Which only further confirms the seriousness of their disorder and HOW they can do such a thing. It took her YEARS to overcome that and understand it. I think since the very very beginning of the relationship I was abandoned in every possible way you can imagine, and I never knew it. He abandoned me in his heart from our first hello and when they show who they really are they can physically leave our lives, and we are left feeling how could someone that was with me all those years just leave, well he was never there to begin with, its a hard concept to grasp. Now I know he didnt even deserve to utter my name, or even KNOW such a person as myself, they deserved NONE OF US on all levels.

#7 Apr 27 - 2PM (Reply to #20)

Bitter-sweet

NLB

You pose a very difficult question. I suppose it's true that an adult can't be abandoned in the same way as a child- because a child is dependent on others- but an adult can still experience loss acutely. I don't know if it's the same for you but I experienced loss on many levels; the loss of the illusion, as you rightly say; the dashing of promises of a life together... but later, possibly the most frightening of all- the loss of faith in myself and my own judgment. We suffer because we can feel; these people are hollow. You are doing the right thing through reading and learning. It was here that I learnt why I had been fooled and I could start to regain my self-confidence. In every post you show your deepening understanding. In time, you will see that you were freed not abandoned.

#8 Apr 27 - 10AM (Reply to #17)

spinning

Bitter-sweet, what a beautiful

post. I so needed to read this today at almost 6 months NC. Thank you! I so agree and love that "he doesn't deserve a glimpse of ...me. I have shut every door between us and I am proud of it." Like NLB, my feelings of abandonment are very real and very raw. He literally did abandon me without warning or notice. Made a date with me for the following evening, left a note that said "I love you" and changed his phone number and left the area. This was the ultimate punishment for me beginning to speak up about things and withdrawal of supply...it hurts nonetheless. I am heartened to know these feelings will change. Thank you again, Bitter-sweet, and thank you NLB for starting this thread. sincerely (just a little) spinning

spinning

#9 Apr 27 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

Bitter-sweet

I'm glad if this has

I'm glad if this has encouraged you- 6 months is certainly worth celebrating! Vanishing like that must have been devastating. It is cruel and heartless behaviour which is impossible for us to understand. It is natural to feel betrayed and lost at first but stay strong. NC really is the best way forward and you are doing so well- in time your feelings will definitely change.

#10 Apr 27 - 7AM

momoya

YEs

And, he did it on PURPOSE. I can relate to feeling lost, but I felt that I lost myself in this relationship. No, you did nothing to deserve to be treated badly. No one deserve it. Acceptance and letting go of the illusion is a long process, be patient. But one day you will be glad you are not with him, and you will be so much stronger and wiser. feel better!

momoya

#11 Apr 26 - 9PM

ifinallygotit

abandoned

I was abandoned more cruelly and silently than many others on this site so I am told. It was in the Fall and now it is Spring. I have to say the pain is lessening but it is still there every day. When we were together, I would ask him why he didn't do more little things for me to make me feel special. He would look at me and just not have an answer - he seemed to have no idea how to have a give and take relationship. He only did nice things if i asked and he could actually be very sweet and kind but just so freaking screwed up and clueless! I felt more and more unloved over time. He could never articulate anything emotional and would just shut down if the conversation went there... I broke contact in March after 4 months of not speaking (and he had posted pics of him with new GF on 12/31/10). He never bothered to break up with me or tell me he had a GF after he moved. When i called him in March, he sounded devastated by my voice, like the saddest person in the world, much worse than me. I had been reading and processing this stuff all winter so I sounded pretty grounded. He was a sad guilty mess and said he missed me...I am telling you this so you understand how crazy these guys are! They abandon us because they lack the cognitive skills to have a normal adult discussion about wanting to break up...they are pathetic injured children...it helps to feel less abandoned when you realize how lost they are hopping from woman to woman and not really understanding adult interaction. Mine left town "in love" with me and in a matter of weeks had dumped me without even telling me so I was flailing about in the wind for months not sure of what was going on...We are way more advanced humans than the level they operate on. We can't stay stuck feeling abandoned because it is not rational - they don't even know why they do it or even plan it! If you could have heard my ex N's voice - he was so guilty and freaked out - they know they were bad but they can't really help it! Not to excuse the behavior but they are truly limited in skills. I think many of our EX N's loved us to the best of their abilities - they just do not have the normal capacity to love, honor, feel, bond, appreciate history...it is very sad but we are the strong ones. I was wrong to get myself out on a limb with him...I really was strung out on "love" and just not thinking right. Everyone else could see he was bad news but me...and I even knew of his bad track record. So the feelings of abandonment lessen as you realize what we are dealing with here...I am not one who hates my EX N...

#12 Apr 15 - 9AM

rainbeau

Creators vs. Victims

I find it more empowering to know that I'm a co-creator in my life. I make choices based on my consciousness. As my consciousness grows and evolves, my choices reflect this. I find that I was involved with my narc because there were some things in my life I didn't think about when I was with him. He'd dominate all of my attention with his false arguments. I didn't have to think about my stuff. Since leaving, of course it all comes up for me. Once I deal with what's coming up, things will be different. I am not a victim. I have lessons to learn and this is an opportunity. That's one way of looking at things. I can't dwell on thoughts like being left in a ditch by some arrogant narcissist. That's self-punishing. Instead, why not create a better life for yourself? That's where I'm stalling....a little.

#13 Apr 15 - 11AM (Reply to #13)

gettinbetter

Yes. You will be fine

Yes. You will be fine rainbeau. You have a firm grasp on things. I was at this point to until I got the Im getting married message from him. I hope to get back to this point again soon. I truly believe if you want to really get over this once and for all you have to deal with your own issues. There is a time and place for victimhood but at some point you have to make the choice not be a victim any longer. Our victimhood sometimes becomes familiar and comfortable. At the end of the day I know I wouldnt have stuck around for round 2 of the abuse if I had been an emotionally healthy person. I just wouldnt have. This abuse was meeting some need in me.

#14 Apr 15 - 9AM

exhausted

You are doing great! Look at

You are doing great! Look at the progress you have made. The biggest step is that you were once in love with this man. Now you realize that it was just an illusion you were in love with. That is an itangible thing. You cannot hug or kiss an illusion. I feel like this right now too. I too am wondering why NC didn't give me what I was hoping for. i try to look at it this way though. I was hurting with him and now I am hurting without him. At least I know that I am in control now and he no longer tells me what to do or how to feel. The good thing is that these days are few and far between and honsesty it is getting better. I hate time. I wish we could speed it up so we won't have to feel every second of this agony.

#15 Apr 15 - 9AM

gettinbetter

Yep. For me its all about the

Yep. For me its all about the sense of abandonment. He has abandoned me so many times.

#16 Apr 15 - 2AM

candy

i have cried reading this

I feel exactly like you do .... im crying, hurting, missing him, wishing he would come back, all the horrible emotions all at once,and trying to cope with the silence i have been givin for over 6 weeks ........... i truly know how you feel, im heartbroken too .... but i havent text him since i last broke nc, because he doesnt answer ... hopefully i will learn my lesson ... im thinking of you,i honestly am .. we both need strength. sending you extra large hugs ...CANDY XX

#17 Apr 15 - 3AM (Reply to #9)

dudette

Candy

and some to you XX

#18 Apr 15 - 3AM

dudette

NLB

Yes absolutely... and I cannot find a way of saying any better what you have just said or endorse it better.... 5 months NC... should be better than this.... I would much prefer it if I had been left in a ditch to die.... because I would not feel the pain anymore... It's the being alive for another 40 years, in this marriage of mine and feel this pain over and over, it's a long neverending purgatory......

#19 Apr 15 - 2AM

fear for my sanity

There is no plaque or trophy

There is no plaque or trophy unfortunately, but you have my total admiration and the admiration of a lot of other people in this forum I'm sure, for being so strong and staying NC for so long. There are days when the pain you felt right at the beginning of abandonment comes back to hit you right between the eyes again, almost without warning. I found myself in this same predicament only a few days ago and after a sleepless night I found this forum which has helped me to regain some of my sanity but there are still moments when I experience that same feeling of abandonment. You don't need to be special to him, you ARE special without him! If you hadn't been special he wouldn't have chosen you. The problem is that he wasn't concerned with trying to make YOU feel special but needed you to validate his own existence. HE is incapable of giving and loving, it is NOT you that is unworthy or unloveable. There are people out there in the world who would do anything to have a loving friend/partner like you and who are more deserving than N. We did nothing to deserve the pain we are experiencing now.We are not alone though. There are thousands of people around the world who are suffering at the moment who don't deserve it either. WE can, with support and counselling, come through this terrible phase as stronger people but it will be in small steps, little by little, with good days and bad days. Do not envy the N because he seems to feels no pain and from a distance his life looks so good. He is just going around in meaningless circles and will never get out of it. You may feel alone right now, but he is one of the loneliest people on the planet and there is little hope for him ever finding true happiness. You, on the other hand, have the true qualities of character that will enable you to have deep and meaningful relationships. Well done for staying NC for so long - if I could give you a gold medal I would!I'm hurting badly too but we will get through this! You'll see! Take care.

#20 Apr 15 - 10AM (Reply to #3)

neverlookback

Fear for my Sanity

Its comforting to know there are others too that get this horrible painful feelings that overcome them (not that I want anyone to ever go thru this) I just get so discouraged you know, I think oh boy I am doing so well and I will be plugging along and it HITS you. It HURTS me to the core that he feels absolutely no pain from the ending of our relationship, at least not like WE do, it is said they suffer in other ways, he lost someone that gave him a real sick inner gratification from toying with, abusing and controlling, that I KNOW they feel. ha ha But the extent of that is something like this, "Damn, she was so much fun to torture to make me feel like I was alive, she was so crazy about me too like they all are". I am also sure he was very angry I did this and left the relationship, I cant tell you the times he would get FURIOUS when I would say I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE, he would always call me several times a day making sure I got over it and was still there for him. But I know it was NOT because he loved me, it was because I gave him tremendous supply, I was there to give him validation, stroke his sick ego, and played his sick game. I had to fold the cards and walk away, I had to love myself more than I loved a man that could not love. Its hard to look at him and see that he is lonely as he cheats and has many many lovers. Yet he was my lover and I cant tell you how lonely I felt being with him, he had NOTHING to offer me that was real, healthy or substantial because he was so damn disturbed. I can not be a persons SUPPLY, or an exciting sexual diversion. That is not what I signed up for and if he could not see and will never see what he had with me in the end that is HIS loss. Yet I feel like I AM the one that lost so much in all this, when in reality it was him. He lost supply and I lost the love of my life that turned out to be a psychopath. Its a hard thing to recover from. Thank you for your encouraging words and the TRUTH, truth keeps us NC.

#21 Apr 26 - 8PM (Reply to #6)

Susan32

The sick inner gratification

During the final D&D, the ex-Psych prof would be grinning, smiling, while I was weeping in front of my classmates. It was very public&ugly. He enjoyed humiliating me... and he was my TEACHER, not a boyfriend. Not a lover. Not a spouse. When I told him my classmates HATED him for his behavior... he was practically ecstatic. I was a student who simply existed for him to torture, once he said, "I love watching you cry." One of his favorite passages in "War and Peace" is one in which Leo Tolstoy says that Princess Maria looks more beautiful when she's crying. "He had NOTHING to offer that was real, healthy or substantial"-The ex-P wasn't my lover or husband... but he didn't offer anything academically or intellectually. I felt lonely with him... and it was a teacher/student relationship! After the final D&D, the ex-P told me that MY feelings for him were a diversion, because of the stress *I* was facing on account of graduation... I wanted to b*tch slap him. MY feelings were REAL! I was HIS diversion. I CARED. There are times I'd love to rub it in how much he LOST. But from what I've read, Narcs feel a bizarre sort of regret over destroyed relationships... while Psychopaths get some sick sort of satisfaction.

#22 Apr 15 - 11AM (Reply to #4)

exhausted

This made me cry. I feel the

This made me cry. I feel the exact same way. We loved them with all our hearts. I once told him that for the first time in my life I have real adult feelings for someone and I know what to do with them but I cant because he is married. Now I am watching him end his marriage for anotehr girl, not me. He does not miss me. To him it's like we had nothing. I was just a 2 1/2 year fling that he can so easily forget about. But I am suffering trying to figure out how he does it. How do I pretend it never happened too? i know too that I won in this situation. I am the one taking the necessary steps to make myself a happier person and he is so sad and pathetic, chasing after a girl for months when I was here all along ready to love him. He is clearly not happy yet I feel like he won and I lost.

#23 Apr 15 - 11AM (Reply to #5)

neverlookback

THey dont ever win

WIN and LOSE, afterall thats what its all about with them, one big huge GAME, nobody wins and loses in this encounter, we walk away because we have the strength to love ourselves and the wisdom to know when its time to say NO MORE. If you apply this to a game where someone wins and looses I would have to say I was dealt a BAD hand and I folded the cards and walked away from the table, if the dealer had the same cards you had dont they call it a BUST? NOBODY WINS - its a bust, I walked away holding on to my dignity and enough respect for myself to know this game was far too dangerous to play anymore. So I won, he lost.

#24 Apr 15 - 9AM (Reply to #2)

Alibi_10

Abandonment

FFMS - your post in reply to NLB's comment is awesome. The fear (or perception) of abandonment is totally overwhelming, and NLB's post sums it up. Maybe there is something about today - but I have been having exactly the same thoughts and wondering why it is possible to miss someone who is so cruel and manipulative - someone who can spend forty minutes explaining how a part of a machine works, then when they ask you how your day was - and you say "Oh - well....", they then say that they haven't got time to listen as they have places to go and people to see !! (That actually happened), someone who can laugh so cruelly at you, control you, belittle you, manipulate you, make you think you're crazy. And yet .... we feel abandoned when they have gone. This is the part I don't understand, and I struggle with it every day. But the bit about his life looking so good ... that also hurts. Even though you are probably right and it is not all it is cracked up to be - it's hard to believe when you feel so let down. Mine once said he would modify his behaviour for the right woman - Nice !!

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