Dinner on Monday

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#1 Mar 19 - 10PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Dinner on Monday

So I have a business dinner with my N and our new Investment Firm (at a very nice restaurant on Monday)

Of course, I'll be sitting there at dinner dying that we aren't a couple and admiring him.

Is there any way to turn the table here and make him feel the same pain I feel? (I am getting evil)

Go over the top with flirting and flattering him at the dinner and then just walk away???

It is so frustrating!

Any advise?

Mar 22 - 3PM
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Loveofmylife

Omg! I hate when they look so fine! Be strong, though! You kno what he is. Make yourself a quick list on the back of ur business card (so u can flip it over in ur purse!) of all of your "turn offs" about him & disgusting things he does. When you're feeling weak, look at ur list! Don't look at him if you don't have to! He's going to be extremely charming tonite...He's the devil! Don't fall into temptation... Be strong! Oh gosh, I'm nervous for you! You can do it!!!!
Mar 22 - 3PM
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

Please pray for me tonight

He just walked into my company, looking as hot as he always does with his electric blue eyes, came into my office and started smiling and laughing with me. Lord help me tonight at dinner. Why does this have to be so confusing and why have I been so torn apart for 20+ years?
Mar 22 - 9PM (Reply to #39)
rache
rache's picture

loveofmylife

Girl,i have no advice for someone who's guy looks so fine.Mine looked like h.ll
Mar 22 - 4PM (Reply to #37)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

It's a costume...

You know what's undearneath all that flash, girl. A disgusting, evil monster that ruins peoples' lives. Hey, my ex was a hottie too...beautiful blue eyes, great body, handsome...and so was LUCIFER..."beautiful". But he got his ASS kicked out of Heaven for being a an evil douche-bag. All packaging, full of vile sh**. Picture him farting all night, or snot hanging from his nose or something...LOL....point is, distract yourself from the superficial BS.
Mar 22 - 5PM (Reply to #38)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Hottie Blue Eyes?

Yeah, mine was too. So so handsome with blue eyes - - cartoon version is exactly the cover of Lisa's book. He told me about 3 weeks into the relationship that until 5 years ago, he had a huge port wine stain on half his face for his entire life. He showed me a picture. I know that there were other factors that made him a narc/psychopath, but as for outward appearance - - what you see now is not what necessarily what it looked like in the past or what it will look like in the future. What's on the outside does not tell you anything about what is on the inside. Remember . . . Be Mr. Spock!
Mar 20 - 1PM
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

This Website Teaches NO CONTACT To Heal

We can't encourage head game playing for revenge purposes or any other further interaction with the Narcissist here on this message board, because it undermines the fundamental philosophy of this website regarding 'No Contact' as the ONLY true means in which a victim of a Narcissist may begin to heal. Encouraging head games might also confuse other new victims of Narcissists, who happen to be reading these messages and still trying to understand complete 'No Contact', and apply it to their own personal journey to healing in their situations. Complete "no contact", including severing all business ties is the recommended course of action in order for you to begin the healing process.
Mar 20 - 5PM (Reply to #35)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks foreverlearning

It helped me for you to clarify this. I also, like Loveofmylife, need to figure out how to neatly sever all business connections with my N as well. And there is a lot of money on the table in my situation as well. While I have come a long way in terms of his affect on me- I think I can only know how much farther I have to go once NC is established. It also dawns on me as I write this that unless I am total NC I won't be out of the way of any future escalations of his seductions which might (although hard to believe given how I feel thes last weeks) but might lure me back in. Yikes.
Mar 20 - 1PM (Reply to #16)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

I understand - and I really need help with this

Unfortunately I am in a situation where NC is not possible since we are entwined in my business and with these investors who would pull their $ out, and the business would close (with all of the employees) if we do not remain a team. There are contracts we signed that said the funding was conditional on us remaining a team. And what is killing me is that he wins - again! It is not fair. Because I got smart, found him out, and confronted him....he gets to split me apart and keep my business part and not the personal part - and he can get away with it. He can get away with ignoring anything personal that comes up in my life....even the death of my father - who he knew. While at the same time being super attentive to his other married emotional lover when her mother died the day before my father did. He can get away with parading his ex fiance at my place of business. He can get away with being so sweet and charming to everyone we meet to position himself for future business. Publically complimenting me soooo much in front of these people to make it look like he is a great self-effacing guy and that we are a great team and then verbally abuse me in private. He can get away with telling me that his verbal abuse is just "intellectual integrity" and that I am being too sensitive. He can get away with writing the most polite, kind, sweet, and caring email to someone we both met 1 hour ago (with me as a cc) and then 5 minutes later shooting me a cold, critical email. The contrast is unbelievable. That is probably the worst thing. As compared to the years and years of deep emotional and caring emails he used to send me. He can get away with denying me anything I want - like a lunch with him to clarify things. He can get away with flirting when he wants to (closing my office door and whispering, giggling, smiling and locking eyes with me) and then just walking away and being cold to me 1 hour later. I just feel so stuck in this awful place. Because my brain has been programmed to love him for 22 years and it won't stop.
Mar 20 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

" I Just Feel So Stuck In This Awful Place"

You words: (Sat, 03/20/2010 - 12:54 — loveofmylife) " I just feel so stuck in this awful place. Because my brain has been programmed to love him for 22 years and it won't stop." **************************** This mental and emotional crazy making pain and agony WILL EVENTUALLY STOP if you follow Barbara's advice, get a good therapist who understands PTSD, and once you go NO CONTACT with the Narcissist and begin to heal. What price do you put on your sanity? What price do you put on your happiness and peace of mind? Either he leaves this business situation or you do. That is the decision you must eventually make, if you peace and healing to begin in your life, and to no longer be 'stuck in this awful place'.
Mar 22 - 3PM (Reply to #19)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

I would have said

Hi, Yes I would have thought it would be best to leave the job. 20 odd years is a long time. You never mention your husband, are you still with him? Surely he must notice this about you. I know the feeling, it's why I have been no contact for about 7 months now. I saw him the other day but only looked at him for about 4 seconds in all as he took me by surprise. There is no point in triggering myself. There is nothing I can have with him now. we have done our time. I don't want any more pain. I want the easiest way to a peaceful life that I can have. So this predator may be handsome.......the devil will not choose to hide in anywhere other than behind beautiful flashing blue eyes. Don't look behind them though, you will get a big shock and want to be sick. You are tormenting yourself. Maybe your business is unfinished with him in which case get it finished fast and move on. Do it intellectually at first and hope that the emotions will follow. This is the most confusing experience I have had in my life. I never want to live it again.
Mar 25 - 7PM (Reply to #34)
gullablegull (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Beg to differ on that devil

Your N's sound dreamy...luckys'... I wish mine had been, but silly me...I thought I would go for someone that wasn't all that gorgeous, and maybe he would be good to me! He charmed me so, I didn't even care what he looked like, and the sex was awesome (in the beginning when we actually had it). Mine thought he looked like JFK Jr., but I never saw that! Only wished! Mine had bullshit brown eyes, so beware...the devil isn't always in a pretty package...but he is irresistible.
Mar 22 - 9PM (Reply to #29)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Healingnow

You said that so well and used a great phrase that really stopped me in my tracks - "Maybe your business is unfinished with him in which case get it finished fast and move one". I think we do all have paths of detachment we choose once we have been exposed to the truth (often by being on this site). It is the most confusing experience - it is SUCH a relief when things start to fall into place. At some point I had (and continue) to have to look at my addiction to him - once I "knew" I still had to fight the addicted feelings. It does get easier. But I had to ask myself - knowing what I know why do I keep putting myself in the situations with him to get triggered? (this was before I joined this group and even heard the phrase NC) We are brainwashed -but we also have to take responsibility and commit to a path of healing once we know the truth - a surprisingly hard step to take wit these predators. One step at a painful time in many cases. Certainly in mine - till your "business" feels closer and closer to finished.
Mar 23 - 12AM (Reply to #30)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

This forum is great

thanks for all of the insight. We had a great dinner with 6 people. I didn't treat him any special - avoided most eye contact which was difficult. He again was the kindest, sweetest, self-effacing person at the table - and I'm sure the most accomplished. He really does have quite the resume. He was praising me all night long - that this investment is so lucky that I am running this company. And it all comes off as so genuine. The firm is ready to invest lots in us. They were very impressed. But only if we commit to being together for FIVE YEARS!!!!!!! OMG!!!! We did walk out to our cars together. It always just happens naturally. And we parked next to eachother. He waited for everyone else to drive off and then just talked to me about the how the night went. And then we did give a goodbye hug - and I could not resist telling him "you looked absolutely hot tonight!" To which he responded "stop it now..." with his sweet little smile and humility. Lord help me. How can someone seem so perfect to me for 20+ years. But I know that there are 10+ other women that feel the same way, all after him, and he is playing each one of them to a different level. And I know that when I do something that is not satisfactory to him, he will tear me apart. How can their be such a Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde. Tonight it seems so real and normal. Not a hint of any Mr. Hyde.
Mar 23 - 4PM (Reply to #32)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Oy!

I hope you can distance yourself enough from him to be able to get some clarity. NC is so important. You are already able to recognize him as a narc. That's a good first step. All the guys I've been with except my first bf were narcs or abusers. I wish I could have met a good guy who would fall in love with me. Narc's can sweep you off your feet like no one else, but it's a hard fall down when they drop you - and they always do. Good luck.
Mar 23 - 5PM (Reply to #33)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

run screamin'

you should NEVER have told him he looked good. EVER. A simple 'goodbye' would suffice. REALLY think about if you want to commit to 5 years around this soul-sucking predator. No amount of money may be worth that! ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Mar 23 - 2AM (Reply to #31)
rache
rache's picture

I feel so bad for you

that he isn't ~FOR REAL~.Mine is most always Mr Hyde.Dr was fleetingly there to get me hooked,and,in this psycho-not even close to being a gentleman.PHONY.
Mar 22 - 5PM (Reply to #20)
loveofmylife
loveofmylife's picture

thanks everyone

good advise for tonight. And yes, my husband knows and yes I am still married. It came out about 3 years ago or so. He even suspected it way back 20 years ago, but his suspicions were confirmed. He doesn't like it, but he is a good guy and has learned to live with it because he is a Christian and believes that he must stay dedicated to me and work things out.
Mar 23 - 5AM (Reply to #26)
Healingnow
Healingnow's picture

Sad

Yes, This is so sad, another good person gets caught in the web of the devil. Lucifer does not like goodness. He can lure you away from a kind christian man and kill two birds with one stone. You know when this satan thing decides it's your time, you will know it and he will have so much ammunition that he will be able to destroy you and your husband so neatly and coolly. You will not know what is happening until the final blow when you are on your knees. He's just enjoying the game with you for now. You are just in a few scenes towards the big finale. OOOhhhhh I never want to go back there. I feel so scared for your life and your husbands. I am talking about your soul here. He has totally 'got you' anasthetised and he can do with you what he wants. Like my son said yesterday snap (clicking his fingers) you are back in the room lol!
Mar 23 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
wallaby (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Beautifully said Healingnow

I get exactly the same vibe on this situation. The opening lines to a TS Eliot poem (The Love Song of J alfred Prufrock") come to mind... If I recall right they are: Let us go then, you and I when the evening is spread out against the sky like a patient etherized on a table. Let us go down certain half-deserted streets - the muttering retreats of restless nights in cheap one night motels.... and sawdust restaurants with oyster shells. Streets that follow like a tedious argument of insidious intent - That lead you to one overwhelming question... Oh do not ask, "What is it?" Let us go and make our visit.
Mar 23 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Very True

You summed it up very well, thanks again!
Mar 23 - 2AM (Reply to #21)
rache
rache's picture

I feel sorry for both you,

and,your husband.But,with God all things are possible.Satan just threw you a curve ball with Mr Jekkel and Hyde.
Mar 23 - 9AM (Reply to #22)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I almost lost the best person in my life

Over the narc! I thank God every day I didn't. I knew it was wrong, I knew this guy was so not worth me breaking up my family & leaving my home behind. Even after i found out i was pregnant my husband begged me to come home & he would raise the baby as his own, I still couldn't leave the narc! I was brainwashed, in a fog, I don't know how else to put it. Until he devalued & discarded me, the fog started lifting...Thank you God! This girl that works in my sister's office is a physic. My sister showed her some pictures of when she came to visit me. The next morning she told her that she was awoken & startled by what she saw around me! She said she saw snakes & evil surrounding me. She said that i needed to pray to get that evil man out of my heart so i could go on with my life & have peace. She said all the anger & hate that i was harboring was making me sick physically & spiritually. She said satan was controlling me through the narc & that satan loves turmoil in people's lives! She said God will handle the narc, to just release him from my heart & all the anger, hate, & sadness will be gone. She said pray, pray, pray, & see him for what he is...evil! I am back with my husband & our two sons & daughter. I am where i need to be & after 7 yrs with the narc, i am glad to have a normal life again... (Just so you know, when i left, i took my babies with me, i didn't leave them too!) If you've ever seen one of the shows about hauntings & they do a cleansing on the house, the homeowners say their house seems lighter, that the heaviness is gone...that's how it feels when you let go of your narc!!! (Lol!)
Mar 23 - 8PM (Reply to #25)
ForeverLearning
ForeverLearning's picture

Great Story

Thanks for sharing that story, and I am SO GLAD your husband took you back (and that you got your mind free and went back to your husband) and you are now safe and sound and in good hands. God bless you and your family!!
Mar 23 - 4PM (Reply to #23)
rache
rache's picture

TexN

Wow.This should be enough to CONFIRM stay away from that NARC.Wish you could show my pic to the girl in your sisters office.I think GOD is using her for sure.PS: you have my permission to get my email address from Barbara.Totally amazing how GOD is confirming it all to you.God is an AWESOME GOD.
Mar 23 - 10PM (Reply to #24)
TexN (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Rache

The office girl was "laid off" last week! I would have liked to have asked her more questions! If i find out of any other good physics, I'll let you know. She told my sister she used to charge for her readings but something, really, really scary happened to her one nite...I'll have to tell you tomorrow though. My husband works nights & I'm home alone....
Mar 20 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
Kelly
Kelly's picture

Getting away with

Yeah. The unfortunate truth about narc's and psychopaths is they can get away with the emotional consequences of causing someone pain. But it does help when you instead think of all the things he is getting away from ;) He is getting away from ever experiencing the joy of an emotionally mature, loving, intimate relationship. He is getting away from people who are interested in providing him real and lasting happiness. He is getting away from the pain normal people experience with loss - a very human reaction that reminds us that we have loved and cared for someone outside of ourselves. He is getting away from reality. You're not. You're alive and real and you will be able to experience all the things he isn't capable of ever experiencing because you have the courage to face reality. Not get away. It takes a long time to heal. Not having the luxury of NC really makes it all the more difficult, so in your situation, I think you will really benefit from reading everything you can here, therapy, journal writing, living your best and learning to love yourself again. You are wonderful. You don't need the narc to validate your feelings. He will do everything to push you down. It's got to come from within yourself. 18 days is a short short time. Stay strong! You're already ten steps ahead of the game!
Mar 20 - 1PM (Reply to #14)
enoughalready
enoughalready's picture

agree

Having NC for 18 days now has been peaceful. It use to really bother me when he checked out every woman. And when I checked out his facebook for the first time as I have never been interested in any sites as such. It was filled w/ bodybuilder's bikini bodies and model bodies as all his friends. And other women I'm sure he met online or wherever. It was if I never existed in his life. I felt like an idiot. So-now I'm glad I'm not in his world- as if I ever was....
Mar 20 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

dinner

enoughalready, big congrats on 18 days girl!!! narcmagnet, LOL @ Spock commet...very good visual... loveofmy...I say this with the best intentions... Please listen to everyone here. This isn't "All My Children", this is your life. The reality is you can wind up with even more hurt & pain, worse than you already are, and more PTSD issues which can be PERMANENT..if you don't jump off the drama bus and take this advice. Business only, don't look at him if you can help it. Don't play games and flirt with the other men. Treat everyone as business acquaintances ONLY. IF Mr. D-Bag brings up personal anecdotes about YOU, smoothly change the subject. You are a strong, successful business woman. You can do this. Ask the most non-threatening guy there if he wouldn't mind to please walk you to your car afterward since it's dark. No "special" goodbyes. Good luck!
Mar 20 - 12AM
Kelly
Kelly's picture

No nothing

It's a business dinner. Keep it strictly about business. If he tries to talk feelings, keep it short and sweet. "I'm doing well, thanks." Don't tell him anything personal!! If you want to frustrate him, just don't give in when he tries to get you to feel. Focus the conversation back to business. Be Mr. Spock. Don't try to make him feel. He can't. It will only serve to frustrate you and keep you guessing. It's tempting. I know. But don't go there! You will be so happy after dinner when you can reflect at how cool you were and that you kept it professional. That's the best revenge you can get from a narc. He's not a normal person. Don't think about how you would respond. He will try to get at you relentlessly using pity, maybe apologizing, complimenting you . . . maybe he will do the opposite - - who knows - - just don't react! It's all just a game in his head - if he can't win (evoking a reaction from you) then, you win! Good luck!
Mar 20 - 12AM
rache
rache's picture

The BEST revenge

IS IGNORING him.