Did Anyone Else Experience THIS???

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#1 Jan 9 - 8AM
onwithmylife
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Did Anyone Else Experience THIS???

I went with the EXNarc for 15 years off and on, thanks to his discarding me whenever he felt like it, and like a good puppy came running back when he would call or write me. But anyway, I would talk to him on the phone everyday, usually limited to one call per day as he was too cheap to get more cell mins to his plan, unless of course he had stuff to say, then he would call as often as HE felt like it.Could not leave messages as it cost him extra mins. I was over to see him every week for 2-3 days depending on my work schedule, it was an hour drive back and forth to his place. He NEVER suggested coming to my place and if he did he would complain about anything and everything so I would rather go there. Often when I did go over there, we had sex as soon as I arrived, and afterwards, he would usually sit or rest on the sofa and read his book for hours or else watch TV, what he wanted to watch and I would sit with him or another chair and feel like an OBJECT, I sometimes wonder why I came over in the first place, other than being horny, because we never had any INDEPTH communication, like couples do over different things. the only time I felt we were on the same page were the few times we almost bought a house together, but even then he did not discuss or take my wants/needs into consideration. I remember once he was talking to a male realtor and he told him stuff we had never discussed about before,what to do in the way of remodeling, and I was floored and said why did you not discuss this with Me before we met with the man, and he just looked dismissively at me and said you would have complained!!!He really had no respect for women I see in hindsight and i believe it was for how his mother treated him as a young boy.He said one day to me, you are just over here for "the sex and food', maybe he was right, for what else was there, sure no real two way,committed relationship with a loving, caring man!!??? I think I was kinda like a prostitute, without actually being one, if that makes sense at all,really absurd when I look back at it all..............

Jan 15 - 5PM
neverlookback
neverlookback's picture

YES YES YES

Experienced the same thing, I found it strange too because everyone else I had ever dated or been with enjoyed being with me and we did things together, movies, dinner, games, music, whatever and with this man it was just sex right away the second I walked in the door he was all over me then NOTHING - treated me as if I was a NOTHING, just a sex toy and that was all I was good for when I KNOW I have many talents he never wanted to see or care about. They WANTED to see us as just that, prostitutes but that is NOT what we are and dont ever ever doubt yourself into believing just because this disordered person only saw that in you that defined you, NOT SO. It was always THEM that was sick, their perceptions of us were sick, god forbid if you were a woman who had sex you automatically were a whore in their eyes, because I had sex with a man does not make me a prostitute or whore, it means I am NORMAL and he will never never project on to me his sick perverted ways of thinking to what normal healthy sexuality is. I mean its almost like you want to say to them, oh no no nice girls dont have sex, if I had sex with you then I become a whore in your eyes - they are so twisted and mentally deranged - the way they separate with the madona whore complex thing is pretty wacky, dividing women into either saints or whores. I am neither a saint or a whore I am just a normal woman.
Jan 15 - 6PM (Reply to #39)
onwithmylife
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nerverlook back

your comments are so great, i felt like a sex toy or masturbation object to the man, he always tried to loosen me up and said i was too up tight.and then when he asked me if i would screw another man and for shock sake, I said yes, if you would watch,{ I never would screw a stranger by the way, I am too health conscience,} then he said i was very loose, always asking me what sex was like with my ex-husband or other men early in my life.Now he has it in his sick m ind "I am a cougar on the world wide web,' what a joke and you would laugh your head off if your really knew me, he never did it is obvious, only what he wanted to know and that was just the sexual side, where we happen to link together very well.you are SO right, we are just normal women who enjoy sex but with these men you are damned if you do ,and damned if you don't!! It is true to them you are either a whore or saint,no in between, but that is in keeping with their black and white mentality.I know the Narc had a one track mind,he just wanted me for sex, even if I was too sick to come over and drive an hour, which i did not do that time to satisfy his hornyness..
Jan 14 - 3AM
Scotchy71
Scotchy71's picture

owmlife

Mine talked - I listened, that's pretty much it. We never discussed much at all, he just told me all about the women who loved him and ALWAYS came running back to him and he ALWAYS rejected them. And the various ex's who dumped him for NO reason and the psycho ones who accused him of hitting them.... When he was blatantly ogling women in front of my face, I finally told him I felt he was being disrespectful after him doing it about 5 times to the point he didn't even hear what I was saying, he was too fascinated by a women's ass...after he raged, yelled "fu*k you" at the zoo where there were tons of kids, sat down to say we had a problem...the very next words out of his mouth..."You know I'm only observing people right"? I should have asked him what in his opinion staring at people was called. He works every year (actually volunteers) at the Sundance Festival because he gets to schmooze with the stars...one year Quentin Tarantino was so annoyed with ALL the fans when he spotted narc with friends (has none), and ASKED if he could join them for a beer and then, Isabella Rosalini asked him where to get a nice cup of coffee..... The bs is relentless...
Jan 14 - 11AM (Reply to #36)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

this is hilarious and the

this is hilarious and the observing people bullshit was used on me too.
Jan 16 - 12AM (Reply to #37)
strongerthanever
strongerthanever's picture

the flirting

Yes, same here. We would be holding hands walking and he would check out a girl and say hi. Some didn't notice i was right there and when we did make eye contact, they quickly looked away. The first family holiday, he flirted with a neighbor and served her dinner before me. Of course, i was blamed as being insecure and jealous. What came first, his crap or me being insecure. Never was like that before. Nor was I ever the type to expose a mans lies and affairs to everyone he knows or even approaching the women. I've done more crazy stuff with this guy, than all of my 43 yrs on this Earth.
Jan 10 - 5PM
Susan32
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Unable to have philosophical, intellectual conversations

The ex-Psych professor was incapable of conversations that don't even involve relationships&feelings. I'd try to have an in-depth discussion about philosophy with him (yes, just philosophy, he was supposed to be the TEACHER!)--and he'd go off on tangents about himself. He'd gripe about how stupid his students were, how his colleagues didn't appreciate his genius, it was sulking. He was a self-anointed Wittgenstein expert, yet he wouldn't discuss Wittgenstein. He'd basically say "Go study Wittgenstein yourself." Well, I still have my Wittgenstein books, and still read that great philosopher... in spite of him. (As a sidenote, Wittgenstein was probably autistic/high functioning Asperger's) His favorite book was (and is) "War and Peace",but he said "I'll keep you from reading 'War and Peace.'" Three years later, it was "Anna Karenina" instead of "War and Peace." (He was probably ticked because I wasn't disappointed&angry-I could relate to it, with Anna being stuck with a cold, passionless Narc husband) Back in '09, he did a course about Schopenhauer. Interestingly, his course description didn't really go in-depth about Schopenhauer's philosophy or ask any questions. It was "Schopenhauer influenced arts, politics, etc, and influenced Richard Wagner, Nietzsche (grocery list of famous people)" It read like one of my grocery lists. He threw a tantrum during the Q&A session after his first lecture. It basically ended with a massive D&D to his audience... just ending it abruptly. There might've even been foot stomping involved.
Jan 10 - 11AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

onwithmylife

I would do all the planning and conversations were HARD as hell because his input never made sense to me. He tried to keep communicaation with me, but I was so done with him that I couldn't respond. It was horrible to live with him towards the end. They are empty inside and your post is an example of how empty. SEX and FODD?? WTF? I'd like to tie him to a tree.
Jan 10 - 4PM (Reply to #33)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Blue Eyes

Yup, he said I was just over to his place for" sex and food,'shows you how little he thought of himself, why else would someone go over there? his company hahahahahahhahaa I will help you tie him to a tree!!!!!
Jan 9 - 6PM
Anne_
Anne_'s picture

onwithmylife

he never talked about stuff that mattered, was it his thoughts our mine, we pretty much lived next to each other. He lied all the time. I felt really connected when he was talking about buying a house together, till I noticed that he was planning to sell MY apartment without consulting me first. My father paid for half the apartment, so I had an agreement with him not to sell it without consulting him first, but xN wanted to sell it anyway. He was always deciding what we were going to do. We watched what he wanted, and if we watched a movie that I liked and he didn't, he would stop watching. He actually said that i was his free prostitute. He had really no respect for women, he treats his own mother very badly. He never respected me, and our whole relation was based on lies. I feel so very sad today. Allthough we broke up months ago I have not started to feel better. I can only say that it is good that you got out. That you're here, that you are trying to get help. Please take care of yourself. He is a pathetic little narc, and the way he treated you was totally out of limits. Hugs, Anne
Jan 9 - 7PM (Reply to #29)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Anne for you

Well he called me his little whore, so we are on the same playing field! Not trying to be flippant, but it is all so ridiculous, maybe if you see the lighter side of it all, you may feel a little better. Anne, it has taken me 2 years, so no worries, you WILL recover, if I can! If i wanted to see a TV show that he did not like, he LEFT the room, could not even sit on the sofa and read a book to keep me company, while I always did that for him, but then, we are NORMAL considerate people!it will always haunt me that he cared more for the money I had, which is not a big amount, but was more than he had, than he did for ME, but these people are not human and do not know how to give or receive love from a human.NOW he has not me or my money, how is that for them apples??!!!!
Jan 10 - 7AM (Reply to #30)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

onwithmylife

I would do the same. I would crochet while watching whatever he wanted to flip on the T.V. He couldn't and wouldn't do the same for me. No consideration but yet they would turn everything around and say they have done EVERYTHING for us and we never appreciated them. It's so frustrating!! We are considerate people with real feelings. I want to bang my head against a wall for ever getting into a relationship with a narc.
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #31)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Happy 1

this is kinda making me laugh in a way,it is all so ABSURD with these men. He would say to me from time to time, "you always want more than I can give you", well he was darn right, I wanted a normal relationship with a man, but could not figure out that he is ABNORMAL, now I know after 15 long years of D and D..........Save your head and we just need to move on, easier said than done I know..
Jan 9 - 6PM
gettinbetter
gettinbetter's picture

The first time we talked

The first time we talked about lots of stuff but as time worn on it became that the discussions became about the relationship. This time around the discussion were about the past and the realtionship. This time we never just talked about stuff. It was always about what happened way back when and that he loved me and wanted me back and when the next time I would see him would be. Thats it. Nothing about news or this or that nothing.
Jan 9 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

onwithmylife

I'm very sorry. Yes, I can relate to you. I would see my narc 2-3 days a week as well before he moved in. The same thing but it did get worse when he moved in. I really noticed it. The same stuff. He wouldn't discuss anything with me. He would only want to hear sex talk if we talked and when we had sex he would go sit down and watch TV and watch what he wanted. This was his routine daily with me when he moved in. I would get up when he did and go make his coffee and a quick breakfast for him to eat on the way to work. I would then get ready and I would go to work. He would come home at 6:30 on the dot and I would have dinner ready and waiting for him. He would take his dinner and sit down and not say two words to me and eat, watch TV, play with his Iphone and ignore ignore ignore me. I would try and talk but he wouldn't give me anything. Just one word responses. I was so frustrated and felt so alone and he was sitting right there next to me. I was screaming on the inside because my heart wasn't listening to my head to end it. My heart always won the battles. I would make up excuses in my head. He too would discuss things with others that he never ever spoke to me about. It hurt so bad and when I would mention he said it's nothing that would interest me or he can do nothing or say anything to make me happy. OR the big one was that I was so insecure about him talking to anyone that I need to get a grip. Yes, so much appreciation and I thank you for asking this today because it just reminded me what an as-hole this guy truly is. I hate his guts and he doesn't deserve to share the same air as I do. Yours either because holy crap he sounds like my exNarc. Thanks, Happy1
Jan 10 - 9AM (Reply to #23)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

Happy1

Boy, mine and yours are twins, I swear to God. How it used to hurt when he'd talk for hours or go out for hours with other people and converse about everything under the sun. He could not say a word to me. We went out to dinner once (which was very very rare). We were at this beautiful restaurant on a snowy night, having drinks, I was all dressed up and had gotten his brother and his girlfriend to babysit so he wouldn't have to worry, and I said, "They say it's going to snow a foot tonight" and he rolled his eyes and said, "Honey, you're not going to be talking a lot, are you?" And then he got up and went outside to smoke and talk on his phone for twenty minutes. When I found out he'd gone to CA to visit another woman and not the guy friend he'd claimed, I didn't even care about whether they'd had sex. I wanted to know WHAT THE HELL THEY TALKED ABOUT FOR EIGHT DAYS!
Jan 14 - 12PM (Reply to #25)
Jean
Jean's picture

eye rolling, contempt etc

Your comment about how the N acted in the restaurant, God how insulting and cruel. I had the same kind of experience with most recent N when I went to welcome him back from out of town (our whole "relationship" -HA! took place at work). And when he saw me he rolled his eyes, slumped his shoulders, and sighed. It was the weirdest thing. I told my husband about that as an example of rude behavior that made no sense (just before he'd left town he was flirtatious and full of insinuation). . .my husband said, "well there are always times when you see someone, even someone you like, and it's just not a good time to talk." So then I tried to explain why this was different and he just didn't get it. It was like that feeling of contempt was always always there but he just usually had enough energy to cover it up. Like I saw the "real" him - if he wasn't getting something, why pay attention to me? And that feeling that I was ANNOYING him by my very presence. Ugh, it just makes me appreciate real, feeling, caring, normal people so much more.
Jan 16 - 4PM (Reply to #26)
Susan32
Susan32's picture

He couldn't bear being treated the same way

The ex-Psych professor idolized the fictional character of Prince Andrei in "War and Peace",who treats his pregnant wife Lise contemptuously&abandons her (leading her to her death in childbirth) He'd treat me with utter contempt, but he was the MOST contemptuous after I declared my love. It was after the final D&D, I was the one rolling my eyes during his Narc temper tantrums, and speaking in a very haughty, superior way. He couldn't handle it. He couldn't even look me in the eye. I made it THAT painful for him. "I was ANNOYING him by my very presence"-That's terrible in a spousal/romantic relationship, and just as bad in a teacher/student one. The ex-P always considered his students annoying. He saw teaching merely as a way to pay his bills. The ex-P couldn't stand being mocked, so when I was the one smiling proudly, nose in the air... it was like I was dumping Himalayan salt into his wounds.
Jan 10 - 11AM (Reply to #24)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

helldweller

It is crazy how similar the 2 are! I feel so bad for you and I would have chatted away at dinner with you! I think we are better company than they could ever be! But, yes I understand how you feel about wondering what he spoke to her about in CA. It's emotional cheating which is worse than physcial in so many ways. They wouldn't share one minute of what they were thinking but would share with anyone else who would listen. God I just want to run away from the freaks! We don't have to deal with the drama of the Narc now. Happy1
Jan 9 - 2PM (Reply to #18)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Happy 1 and Helldweller

As we ask each other all the time did we date the same MAN??!!!It really feels good to get your responses, along with the others, to know it was not just ME going through all this private HELL because that is what it was, one day I felt so lonely sitting besides him, I wanted to go back home and damn well be alone, but I never wanted to rock the boat, for fear he would leave me, I was so obsessed about the thought of the man LEAVING me, if that is not a sickness within me at the time, I do not know what is, maybe more a need than a sickness, perhaps I am being too hard on myself.He filled some desperate need of mine I guess. but to hear from you all, I cannot put into words the validation it gives me, love you all!!!!!Happy, i did live with him for a year and actually was not too bad initially because it was all new, later on I felt like a prisoner in my own place and dreaded going to my place,if I said the wrong words,.like "what is on the agenda today", while he was making breakfast for his daughters, he raged at me that"couldn't I see he was busy." I never asked him to drop everything and do something else, he misinterpreted and misunderstood so much ................
Jan 9 - 2PM (Reply to #19)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

onwithmylife

I agree our stories are so similar that it's eerie to me. It's just so confusing to me because are they really programmed to do this? How is it that they did this same stuff? It's so screwed up. Yours getting mad for asking the simplest of questions like "what's on the agenda today". Him getting mad at you asking such a question. God! I remember those days and it gives me chills to read your posting. I did not live with my narc long because frankly I already knew what he was when he moved in and I was fighting him left and right when he entered because I knew he would beat me down to nothing. I was never allowed to plan a day or ask about what we were doing. He would say 'let's go' and we would go get in the car and I would have no clue where half the time. I would have to ask him and he would tell me maybe in a hush tone so I would have to fight to hear him or he would pretend he didn't hear me. That was always a favorite of mine. His specialty was ignoring me when I asked a question. Did you have that as well? I ended up towards the end getting extremely pissed off for this and would say it again especially LOUD. Where, previously I would ignore the fact that he just ignored me and most of the time didn't repeat the question. You said he misinterpreted and misunderstood so much... They definitely take everything to the negative and never ever ever would we be able to do enough or say the right thing or be perfect enough for them. They are miserable and only wanted to make us feel the misery they do. 8-) We don't have to! 8-)
Jan 9 - 3PM (Reply to #20)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

Happy1

I swear to God we must know the SAME man!!!??? He would usually, depending on what side of the bed he woke up on, answer my questions, but if he did not feel like it, just remain silent,or sidestep the question with a complaint about me, and he also liked to not tell me where we were going, he loved surprises, like a little kid, and once when i asked him if we could go to a certain town, he really knew i wanted to go, but NO, because i wanted to go, NOPE we DID NOT..he was a very punishing man and looking back because I think his mother punished or tried to do so with him until he became too much of handful and bully, which he was in school, that tells you a lot of his child rearing.Nothing was good enough for him and /I once said do I have to lay myself on the road and let a huge truck run over me, would that satisfiy YOU, he said nothing, that was his response, I could tell my words were not sinking in, something is truly wrong with their mental capabilities, I swear to God......./This is my take, HAPPY, they do the same stuff because they have the SAME NPD illness, wouldn't you agree. there can only be so many variations of the disease.
Jan 9 - 3PM (Reply to #21)
Happy1
Happy1's picture

onwithmylife

I guess what confuses me is I thought we were all built different in this world and had different personalities! Right? But this is all the same. Too many of these narcs are exactly the same. Your exNarc sounds exactly like mine! I have told him "I love you" so many times without a response. At thanksgiving with the boys I asked the boys what they were thankful for and they and ask Narc. The boys had a lot of nice things to say by the way. The Narc said he was thankful for his job. That was it! He didn't say he was thankful for any of us or our new engagement or our living together. NOTHING! He was thankful for his job. He ate then and never looked up the entire meal. It was a horrible experience. But now that you mentioned it, I think I may post the question because I think this is where I have been stuck is how similar they are but I thought we were all made different in this world.
Jan 14 - 11AM (Reply to #22)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

F F F F F F ack these freaks

reading this makes me get angry all over again . i realised theres no point posting my version its all exactly the SAME!!!! i eventually got so tired of him not listening or responding I grabbed him by both ears and shook him like a dusty mat. The look of confusion turned to a scowl but no lights cane on. Vacant, Vacant I tell you completely vacant. this post should be read by all those who were left by the Narcs, those who longed for marriage. This this is what you would be living! you dodged a bullet, death by frustration OMG its absurd!!!!
Jan 9 - 2PM (Reply to #17)
StillHurting
StillHurting's picture

These stories make me sad....

Thank God I never got to live with my Narc. I think I would have expected it to be so beautiful, but seeing how he acts, what goes on at his house with his wife is probably nothing I would want in a relationship or marriage. I am sorry you had to live like this with these men. I think all we really wanted was someone to love us back in the way we love them. It is all very sad indeed. There is someone nice out there for all of us who will appreciate the kind of love we are capable of; it's just that these men could not, they didn't have the depth for it.
Jan 9 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

onwithmylife

All I can say is that I'm sorry. So sorry. Yes, it was the same with me. I remember one rare occasion when he actually let me come over. We were always always at my place. He said it was nicer at my place, but I realized later that I was supposed to be an escape from his life so I couldn't be in his home. It had to be somewhere else. Also he didn't want to use his dishes, mess up his house, AND I now beleive that because I am a woman he didn't want me in his house. I really believe this. So he would come to my house just about every night late (I had to wait until my daughters were asleep and then wait up for him sometimes until midnight)and then I'd make him food, drinks, do whatever bizarre sexually stuff he wanted me to do. Anyway, on this rare occasion that I went over there, we had sex right away, on a towel on the living floor, of course, because I wasn't allowed in his bedroom, let alone his bed. Afterwards, he put on the t.v. and we sat on the couch. I asked if he could make us a drink and he rolled his eyes and sighed. I said "I'll make them, honey" and went to get up and his pushed me back down on the couch and said "No THAT's ok! I'LL DO IT! Is there ANYTHING else I can do for you???!!"
Jan 14 - 12PM (Reply to #15)
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

onwithmylife crazy

this is just un f*nking belivable, I bet you miss him like crazy????
Jan 9 - 8AM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

Their comments, when they are in N Rage are Projection

Very sorry to hear you had to endure this kind of horrible treatment, it is hideous the things they say when they enter Narcissitic Rage. The enter into this other "realm" when they are not the center of attention, or feeding on their supply. So his realtor deal was his power deal. Can't be shared with anyone close. They are not close with anyone onwithmy life, despite their total act that they are. His comments, though hurtful, are not a refelection on you. My feeling is you were not just there for food and sex, if you are like most of us, you probably were looking for a real relationship. You mentioned that you never had indepth conversation. Shows that is what you wanted, and what was missing. You noticed that about him, huh! Well they do not share their dark world with others. They keep much of their life to themselves, and are very sneaky, and secretive. In ways that would baffle you and I. They do the strangest (not good) things, and it usually means some one else gets hurt, worse yet, damaged because of THEM. Yes, I have had horrible things said and done to me. Horrible statements that didn't make any sense, and they were all projections. Projections are what they are doing, but put it on you, and accuse you of being or doing it.
Jan 11 - 4PM (Reply to #13)
Redhead1
Redhead1's picture

You put my thoughts into

You put my thoughts into words. You folks are so healing!! Hugs to you all!
Jan 9 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
onwithmylife
onwithmylife's picture

AMAZED

I was just kidding about the part of "food and sex", I always longed for a real relationship with him, like we all wanted, but his comment about" food and sex', shows you how little he values himself and who on God's earth, would want to be with him??????You are so right, I never realized how little he revealed to me about himself, and he was never close with anyone, not even his own children, like a prisoner in his own body, he was very secretive and paranoid, I noticed that trait as well.
Jan 9 - 11AM (Reply to #3)
Jean
Jean's picture

paranoia

I had a boyfriend a long time ago, when I was 22 and I could legitimately claim to be "young and stupid" who was 20 years older than me. He had a chronic drug addiction (cocaine and painkillers) and all sort of sexual problems. . .but most of all he was paranoid. At the time I really didn't get it, I just thought he was "interesting" and kind of exotic . . .he was very very smart and had led an interesting life which is what attracted me to him, anyway. . . he would never invite me over to his house. Said I would probably go through his stuff. I can sort of understand now how paranoia breeds more paranoia because when someone says something like that, it makes you WANT TO GO THROUGH HIS STUFF! I mean for gosh sake's- what's the big mystery???!